Pseudo Dating

it's not that i care, i'm just curious

2009-11-04T16:06:00.003+08:00

the online social utility site is an amazing stalker device. and i'm not even gonna deny it, sometimes i do stalk.

recently i realised that i have a "favorite" person to stalk. i don't stalk that person often but on the off chance that i do see any status update, i do take a peek into the person's profile and see what other updates i've missed.

and i'm not exactly proud to say this but that person is the ad-man.

now that's someone who i haven't talked bout in bout a year. and that's simply 'coz i don't care. okay maybe i might since i'm still checking out his profile every now and then. but i've justified this as 'coz being as eloquent as he is, his status updates and comments are generally well thought out and interesting (at least as much as it can get in a couple of sentences). and being as attractive as he is, his pictures are visually appealing. and okay okay i'm also curious bout his love life.

sue me. i think mostly i'm just still slightly disgruntled bout how things ended between us (that is assuming that we even started). as in they didn't really end. we went from chatting online for hours every day for months and meeting up with each other semi frequently to him suddenly not even appearing online at all (i highly suspect that he blocked me). that's enough cause for a girl to go a lil bat shit crazy wondering what happened. as far as i could tell, nothing happened. we didn't have a falling out. he wasn't offended by something i said. i didn't stalk him. i believe he just met someone else and got attached soon after.

which is fine. i mean come on, i'm a big girl. you don't even have to have any kind of talk with me where you let me down gently bout how you don't think this will ever work out and all that jazz. all it would have taken was a simple mention bout a new love interest or girlfriend and i would have gotten the hint real quick. i would have wished him all the best, set my own feelings aside and continue being friends. but no, he did not even have the decency to do that.

knowing his track record of past girlfriends and how half of them only lasted a month makes me extra curious bout how long the next girlfriend will last. the one he coupled up with right after he poofed on me lasted a month. and then he was single for a while (i don't know how long, i don't stalk that much). and then some time back (i don't know when, 'coz like i said, i don't stalk that much) he got coupled up with another girl who from my stalker skills i have inferred that he probably have known since his teenage years. she seems normal and they seem like they are still going strong so at least that breaks his one month record.

actually i don't really care too much. he lost so much points with me for showing poor character that in my eyes, there's no way he could ever redeem himself anymore. but i suppose i'm just curious. 'coz this is the one guy whose disappearing act made such an impact on me given the depth of our previous interactions and my subsequently growing feelings. this was someone i initially thought had great potential.

so yes, i guess maybe i just still like to know what he's up to. even if i don't ever want to talk to him or see him again. and maybe i even secretly wish that he would fail in love as some kind of payback for the way he treated me. perhaps that's why i check back in every now and then to see if his "in a relationship" status has since changed...

your picture speaks a thousand words to me

2009-11-02T23:44:00.002+08:00

he posted some pictures on his online social utility site page.

pictures showing what happened after he went to support his girlfriend's dance performance. pictures showing them beaming happily together. pictures showing him spontaneously carrying her.

maybe it was his all too familiar and heart-warming smile. maybe it was the light hearted, fun-loving side that i feel is lacking in my current relationship. or maybe 'coz it's him... those pictures somehow caused a dull ache in my heart and seeked to remind me bout how someone will probably always have a special place in my heart and that a part of me would probably always still be "in love" with him.

that must be what happens when he's the first person you "loved" and the longest, nevermind that you never actually even dated him.

this is the part where i realise i have turned into a boring old lady

2009-11-01T15:38:00.000+08:00

halloween weekend meant that i saw many exciting pictures posted on the online social utility site loudly proclaiming all the fun that everyone else was having and loudly proclaiming in my mind to remind me all the fun i wasn't having.

i used to be the fun girl. i partied it up weekly and drank copiously. i laughed, i danced, i had heaps of fun. nevermind that occasionally i would come back down realising that it wasn't all that fun and exciting afterall.

i've always had my moments where all the partying would take its toll on me and i would feel the urge to run away from it all. and i've never felt more like this than since this year. it didn't help that i got attached and partying without your significant other loses it's fun when half the time you have to be careful not to drink too much and accidentally engage in some random making out. it also makes matters worst when my party girl is now very much a stay home girl. she works long hours and is pretty tired out and lately it's been even harder to get her to head out for dinner much less to party.

my new party BFF is still partying it up with the others in the group but frankly, i've never actually been all that close to them and i highly suspect that my new party BFF no longer keeps me in the party loop simply 'coz she assumes i will have plans with the alpha boy.

all this just makes me realise that honestly i don't have a whole lot of friends. i mean if i wanted to party, i could probably still round up a few enthusiastic party girls. but if i'm looking for dinner and perhaps some chill out drinks with someone i can just talk to and share with, i'm kinda batting at zero.

my best friend is located far far away and my party girl will soon be moving to far far far away next year. i have a few other friends here and there who i do make time to catch up with but it's not a regular thing. which basically leaves me with practically no friends left.

maybe it's another phase of life. and much as i've always told myself that i won't forget my friends even when i'm attached, i never quite bargained that my so-called friends would be the ones to forget me instead.

i guess i just can't quite help but sometimes feel like i'm alone.

the hows, whats and whys of it

2009-10-31T01:03:00.003+08:00

sometimes the alpha boy and i are still quite surprised at how we even wound up together to begin with and sometimes we talk bout our interactions before we got together as almost a way to find out what the other was thinking "way back then".

recently we were having one such conversation. basically when we first got to know each other, despite it being via the online dating site, we both viewed it as a friends thing. he's not the type to mack on girls (simply 'coz usually all the girls are throwing themselves at him on a regular basis anyway) and i found out that his initial motive was to sell me something (that's part of his job). on my part, i was kinda seeing the swedish guy and i also vibed off the alpha boy's friendship vibe and concluded that he wasn't looking for anything serious anyway.

and hence a friendship blossomed.

i'm not even sure exactly when that friendship looked like it was turning into something more. it could be when he started calling me ever so often where we would spend hours on the phone together. he told me that with every new girl he meets, he very quickly knows just where they stand. and for me, he always placed me as "platinum grade" who was high on the "wifeability" material (and i do quote him on that). it was just a matter of whether he was ready for a commitment or not.

likewise could be said for me. having being single all that while, i had a natural nervous reaction to commitment not 'coz i necessarily didn't want it or thought i couldn't keep to it but simply 'coz i didn't know what it was like.

i'm glad that the alpha boy was as smart as he is to have figured that the best way to get through to me would be to pre-empt me. and that's why our conversations then were peppered with him frequently painting scenarios where i was required to think of him as a future boyfriend and him asking pointed questions such as which ladder (after a conversation where i told him bout the ladder theory) i had placed him on hence forcing me to really think bout it.

he is really good at reading people. and while i've always known that i'm not always the easiest person to read ('coz i tend to keep my own counsel), having him tell me that back then he never really could tell if i was actually interested in him made me realise that i must indeed be really quite difficult to read.

it's the self preservation defense mechanism kicking in i explained to him. i guess after dating around as much and as long (though really it's not that much or that long), you realise that you gotta play your cards close to your chest and try not to get too emotionally involved. or at least in my case, not let 'em know you're already emotionally involved.

we then discussed the things that transpired on the actual day that we got attached. how he had already previously decided that it was only a matter of when that he would officially ask me but where he himself didn't even know that it would be that day. i also called him out on the general space invader behavior on that particular day. he laughed saying that he purposely did that to get me comfy with the idea of being physically closer to him. i told him that the funny thing was that i actually felt like he was the one who needed to get comfy with the idea since with each space invader move, he'd then look a lil nervous. i figured that perhaps he's not used to it was 'coz he doesn't believe in physical contact with any girl who isn't his girlfriend.

it's fun to "dissect" it all and to realise that sometimes things do just happen. stars align or whatever and you somehow find yourself sitting on a bench taking shelter on one rainy night agreeing to couple up.

the weekend in point

2009-10-28T13:00:00.000+08:00

the weekend that passed was certainly some sort of interesting. but a time spent with the "other woman" sometimes seeks to "drain" me or plant further questions in my head that it sometimes just gets tiring.

so since i seem to be lacking in the ability to construct full sentences and paragraphs on the time spent with her, i'll do this in point form:

i've decided that she's kinda flaky. she suggested that we all have dinner together on saturday night before the play but at the last minute could not decide if she wanted to have dinner though in the end (as circumstances, which i have no desire to get into 'coz it's just long and boring, would have it) we did all have dinner together. another case in point being that she suggested that she and i meet up on monday but at the time when we were supposed to meet, she had just woken up. i decided not to rush to meet her and called it off.
the play was pretty funny and i did enjoy myself
i'm known to be pretty bubbly and energetic but she's so hyper that i realised that i tend to be quieter around her
i did not appreciate it when she briefly leaned her head on the alpha boy, rested her hand on his hand/arm/knee or told him albeit somewhat jokingly, "i love you darling" when he helped her carry her heavy bag
while i did not appreciate it, i had no idea what exactly to say
i find myself really wishing she would get attached
but much as i know that it's really hard for me to find someone (reasons being i've been told that i'm rather intimidating to most guys even though i'm seriously not trying to scare anyone), it's much harder for her 'coz she's rather fiesty and hard to deal with to boot
but of 'coz she has like tons of guys interested in her and who would bend over backwards and do anything for her. anything.
which then makes me wonder how come i never got that. ever.
oh right maybe 'coz she's hot and an actress who used to model
okay so maybe, just maybe, my esteem takes a wee bit of a hit with her
but honestly she's nice and i do like her. and i'm not just saying that
i'd like her a heck of a lot more if she were just more normal friends with the alpha boy

sunday was a much better day when the alpha boy came over to my place and it was just us chilling out watching a dvd, chatting, sorting our some of his work things and stuff. i could do with more of that.

this is how we celebrate

2009-10-23T17:23:00.000+08:00

the alpha boy just passed his 26th birthday on monday and since last weekend it's been what i deemed a "series of celebrations", only that we didn't actually do a thing.

which i suppose can be nice i guess. we just hung out over the weekend by ourselves and then i was over at his place on sunday to have a chill out dinner with his parents where we then proceeded to just laze around alone watching a b grade movie (somehow dungeons and dragons wasn't that bad when it was with him). his actual birthday itself wound up to include his friend/colleague/business partner (who i know quite well anyway so it's not a problem) as some work thing was supposed to crop up (which in the end didn't). i had various plans to celebrate his birthday which in the end didn't happen as things kept changing. but i guess all in all it wasn't too bad.

there is another celebration which has been planned for tomorrow. the one including the "other woman". she decided to buy him a ticket for a play as his birthday present and extended the invitation for me to join them of which i accepted.

things are still a lil strange with her i suppose. she actually called me on monday to chat with me for half an hour though i presume it was 'coz the alpha boy was at a work training. i know that she still calls him a lot (like my guestimate is at least a few times a week) though they don't necessarily have long meaningful conversations (i'm putting a guestimate of 5-10 mins of conversation where normally she's talking).

i'm still not thrilled bout it. at all. the alpha boy knows it. we had another passing conversation bout it where we both agreed that she's just reliant on some of her close friends (all males with girlfriends mind you) and feels the need to talk all the time and simply just spreads out her need for attention amongst the 3 of them.

i'm still not sure if it will ever get better. not unless she finds a boyfriend for that purpose. or the alpha boy just tells her that she can't be calling ever so often. that doesn't look like it's gonna happen. and it also seems like i can't exactly do a damn thing bout it either. thankfully she's nice is what i remind myself.

i needed to hear just that

2009-10-15T20:34:00.000+08:00

the alpha boy and i have never been unhappy together. this is why when bout 2.5 months ago, after 3.5 months of happiness, he confessed that sometimes he's had doubts bout us and handed me that maybe we're platonic angle bombshell, i was entirely taken aback.

since then that topic has never been brought up again. and while i think that we actually became even happier together, i guess a part of me never quite really knew if we had buried all that behind us.

yesterday the topic resurfaced again. but in a good way.

we were talking bout the other jo and her taking a break from her (now ex?) boyfriend in what seemed to be a relevant topic bout doubts when the alpha boy brought up his previous doubts bout me.

turns out he's never had those doubts again. he's just happy being with me.

i guess i sorta guessed. judging from the way he looks at me and tells me constantly that he loves me. i guess that usually pretty much means you're not having doubts right? but it was also really nice to hear it from him. a least now i don't have to almost naturally jump to that conclusion as a reason for some of his actions.

yes, you may step over another line

2009-10-12T20:55:00.000+08:00

it's biological. women take longer in the bathroom than men.

so imagine my surprise when recently i found myself having to wonder where on earth was he as i came outta the bathroom.

did i take a really long time?

nope. it's bout my usual length of time.

did i somehow walk past him without realising?

nope. i'm pretty sure i would recognise him.

did he wander around in some nearby stores?

nope. i checked and he wasn't anywhere.

and so i waited patiently for a while more

soon after the alpha boy breezes outta the bathroom casually saying,

"sorry dear, i bombed the mountain"

okaaay.

and i think another line was crossed.

validated

2009-10-06T00:20:00.003+08:00

in the midst of a conversation bout family, the alpha boy suddenly told me that his parents really like me.

score!

then again, in general, parentals tend to like me...

virtually official

2009-09-29T12:49:00.003+08:00

it's one thing to be in a relationship but somehow strangely another thing to declare to everyone that you're in a relationship.

when we first got together, the alpha boy decided pretty early on to "stake his claim" by sending me a lil relationship request via the online social utility site. i was still adjusting to this whole "in a relationship" status that i just wasn't ready to announce it to, what i deemed as, the world at large.

bout 2 months later, he unrequested his initial relationship request citing reasons that with the increasing amount of work-related people in his list of "friends", he wanted to keep the amount of information available to a minimum.

and we carried on our usual way.

fast forward to now. this morning as i logged into my online social utility page, i was greeted with that all too familiar relationship request. since i've had over 5 months to get used to this, i confirmed it immediately without feeling too anxious. however i couldn't resist asking the alpha boy bout his sudden change of heart again... he didn't let on anything but my suspicions was that it occured to him once more 'coz of a recent change in relationship status published by his business partner/friend.

i guess by right virtual life shouldn't really matter, it's real life that matters. but somehow in this day and age, it might only be natural that virtual life also takes on a fairly important role.

so yes, it almost feels like the alpha boy and i are official all over again. virtually.

quick quiet moments between 2 "jo"s

2009-09-19T15:11:00.000+08:00

my best friend is back in town for 10 days and i'm uber excited bout that. life has never been quite the same without her around and 'coz of our different life paths, it's likely that we might never be in the same part of the world together again for any long lengths of time.

this time, she's in town with her boyfriend who i've met bout 1.5 years ago when i was visiting her. however since the alpha boy and i got together semi-recently, she's never met him though she's certainly heard a lot bout him and vice versa. we arranged some sorts of a double date and i think that went pretty well.

last night we had a pretty big gathering including my best friend's sister (who i'm quite close to as well since we all grew up together), her cousin (who i used to be close to and then we drifted drastically apart) as well as my friend with the less than apparent sparkage with her (now ex?) boyfriend and said (now ex?) boyfriend. that friend shall now be called the other jo (since she is in fact, also another jo).

it was definitely a surprise when the other jo told me that she would be bringing her (now ex?) boyfriend along. and a greater surprise when i realised that in some ways, the 2 of 'em still act a lil coupley. but when i had a chance for a quick quiet moment with her and asked her what was going on with the 2 of 'em, she maintained that she was still undecided. frankly, i think she's confusing him even further by continuing to see him as much and to rest her head on his shoulder briefly. my heart went out to the (now ex?) boyfriend. i hadn't seen him in quite a while and while he always had a slightly dopey look to him, he just looked plain utterly sad last night.

the alpha boy came over to join us later in the night. he was with his friend and the "other woman". both came over as well, which i did not expect. but the "other woman" decided not to stay and join us.

in another quick quiet moment with the other jo, i quickly outlined the situation with the alpha boy and the "other woman". she understood my discomfort with their closeness. the only difference is that while i would have been equally uncomfy if it were any female friend, the other jo only felt that way 'coz it was an ex girlfriend. but yes, i acknowledge that the ex girlfriend status does not help. anyhow the other jo suggested that i should turn the tables around and do the same thing. we joked bout how i could change her name in my phone list into a guy's name and pick up calls from her when i was with the alpha boy and constantly talk bout meeting up and talking to "my friend joseph" (yes we actually gave her a fake guy's name haha!)

while that might actually be funny, i'm so not the type to actually be able to pull it off. but more importantly, the alpha boy is so not the type to fall for that. he's just too confident and secure and doesn't play that sorta game.

but that said, i can't say that i've never entertained the notion of having a really close guy friend myself. the problem is that i don't have an existing one. i mean there are guys who i can share with, but we don't talk to each other on the phone or see each other at all. and i can't just up and find that kinda friendship on the spot.

which leaves me in exactly the same situation i'm in. the alpha boy knows that i'm definitely uncomfy but yet i don't particularly feel like he's actually trying to distance himself. and in some ways, i actually do think that she's to blame for that 'coz it seems like mostly she's the one who calls him to fill him in on the lil details in her life or to meet up or something or another. i suppose she tries in her own way to be mindful in not calling him as much. but like i've said before, i think their lifes are simply too intertwined to ever really be the kind of guy-girl friends that i can truly accept.

it's frustrating for me. but i don't know what else to do anyway but to try and deal?

so question...

2009-09-14T10:57:00.003+08:00

...would you want to know if someone else told your partner that she was interested in him?

earlier last week, the alpha boy told me bout a somewhat "love triangle" situation that the exotic dancer told him bout. the background of this story is that this guy (let's call him D) introduced his best friend (let's call him S) to the exotic dancer and more or less tried to get 'em together. the exotic dancer has zero interest in S but S is all smitten. then in a weird turn of things, D decides that he likes the exotic dancer. and somehow the exotic dancer is now deciding that maybe she would couple up with D.

now that's what i heard earlier last week. but over the weekend, i realised that the alpha boy had missed out on some other information of the even more interesting variety. not on purpose, i believe. just that he had been too busy thinking that the whole situation was ludicrous that he missed out on some other more important information.

in an even weirder turn of things, the exotic dancer then told the alpha boy that she told D that she liked the alpha boy. so basically essentially she was just telling the alpha boy that she liked him. and the alpha boy being the alpha boy, is used to all this kinda thing from multiple women that he likened it to her having just told him bout the weather. but since he's not interested, he told her that no they are just friends and asked what has that whole the exotic dancer and D thing gotta do with him. she repeats that 'coz she likes him (being the alpha boy). hence making it patently obvious that she was hoping to make the alpha boy jealous in some way and force a favorable response from him.

i of 'coz upon hearing all that transpired decided to take the chance to chide him for not telling or implying to her in the first place that he's attached. my take on this is that we all knew right from the start that she was interested in him. so all this wouldn't have happened if he'd only let her know that he wasn’t available! though he later claimed that she must have somehow guessed or known that he was attached but just refused to face reality. but i think he just wasn't clear enough.

i'm pretty sure he still didn't get what i was saying. i think in his mind's eye, he felt that it was okay not to say anything 'coz it’s not like he encouraged her in any way. i do believe that he didn't, but i still think there's a difference between not encouraging and discouraging.

so anyhow, i also pointed it out to him that he, in fact, didn't tell me that the exotic dancer actually professed to him her interest for him. and that i think in future if that happens with anyone else, i would like to know.

which then brings me back to my question. would you wanna know? the alpha boy said that he didn't care either way if he didn't know. he only wanted to know if i didn’t tell the guy who was interested in me to buzz off.

i thought bout it for a bit… and yeah well i'd still wanna know…

indeed it wasn't the last we heard bout this

2009-09-10T11:10:00.009+08:00

as much as i like the "other woman", i always knew that that whole issue i have with her would come back to haunt me again.

and as predicted, recently it did.

i felt that it was kinda unnecessary that essentially the alpha boy had been meeting up with her every week for the last few weeks. granted a few times were to help her settle some school stuff. but honestly, i don't see why she couldn't have just bought her books and her printer by herself?

and i guess some of my displeasure did seep through and the alpha boy being occasionally sharp as he is on such matters, could tell from a text message that i wasn't too pleased.

he called me. i didn't hear my phone and hence missed it. i called him back but wasn't ready to talk bout it. i went off for a run while i thought bout it and came back feeling clearer bout what exactly i was feeling and texted him.

jo: hey hun im back from my run… which gave me some time to think i suppose... so while im not super upset per se, as ive mentioned before, im not entirely thrilled either. i think its just tt ur lifes r too intertwined w e reliance n e sharing n all tt. which i suppose makes me wonder how am i different from *insert the "other woman's" name* if u meet her, talk to her n share w her just bout as much. anyhow dear i reckon ur still out w her so we can talk bout this or whatever later…

no word from him till bout 2 hours later when he called me on his way home from meeting her.

we talked bout it and i think maybe this time he got it a lil better. i know that she's his good friend and good friends do things with each other and help each other and all that. but i explained that there's always some boundaries when it comes to good friends of the opposite sex. it's just different. and so i gave him an example of what happened if it were me being close to a guy friend and seeing that guy friend every week and what happens if to make matters worst, that guy friend was an ex boyfriend. when he admitted that he would be uncomfy with that, i think he got it.

i'm not sure if this whole issue is entirely over. it may very well not be. but i think that at least we're another step closer to him realising my point of view. in any case i hear that she might be getting attached soon… and that might bring a further change to the way things are between 'em… 'coz as it is, it seems to me that perhaps a larger part of the "problem" is that she contacts him bout every other day and he doesn't quite know how to stop that either...

i think i'm paranoid

2009-09-08T16:55:00.004+08:00

just yesterday my friend with the less than apparent sparkage with her boyfriend told me that she had just broken up with him.

i must admit that even though i knew she was having all these issues, it surprised and saddened me. somehow it still seemed sudden. she told him that she wanted to take a break though there were no discussions of what the "parameters" were. like how long would this so-called break be, would they revisit the issue again after an allocated period of time, were they allowed to see other people, would they still talk to each other... you know, stuff like that.

which of 'coz i can imagine would make the poor guy confused. he's understandably very sad. he's a lovely guy who tried for bout a year before he got her to agree to be his girlfriend. and now just after a year and a half, she decides that she wants to take a break.

the thing is that she's not feeling sad. in fact she said that she's feeling almost clinical bout it all. i'm not sure if it just hasn't hit her properly yet. anyhow it doesn't sound like a good sign?

which leads me to wonder if eventually they will break up properly and have that needed closure.

all this strangely affects me in some way 'coz i really do like him and think that apart from physically looking like her younger brother, he's a really sweet guy who is great for her. she's a lovely girl but can also be a bit too fiesty for most other guys to take. he seemed like the perfect compliment to her. in this seemingly short time, i've gotten used to 'em being a couple.

but beyond all that, this also affects me 'coz i then wonder what the future lies for the alpha boy and myself.

i mean we're doing good. possibly even better than we used to be. but i suppose a part of me hasn't quite fully gotten over his revelation on the maybe we're platonic angle. maybe i'm just being all paranoid 'coz like i said, in the last month since the big bombshell, we've been doing good. and i still can't see how on earth we can possibly be platonic when the physical aspect of our relationship is still going strong.

but that said, sometimes it's hard to not just naturally subconsciously project the outcome of your own relationship based on the outcome of someone else's relationship. not that i want that outcome. not in the least. it's crazy how it has come to bother me (more so than the alpha boy 'coz he's a lot more logical and practical while i'm more emotional) as much as it does if i were to think of us not being together.

i'm just trying to keep my head together, not get too paranoid and remind myself that i really do think that we're doing good.

okay, honestly speaking...

2009-08-31T23:17:00.006+08:00

recently i met another guy online... okay before we get all "accusing" here, let me state that i didn't meet meet him... yet?

so the background story is that he found me via the online dating site (which i promise i haven't logged into in ages) and recently added me on IM. we've since chatted some and frankly we get along really well. i found him to be nice, eloquent and with a sense of humor. his pictures also showed that he wasn't unattractive. honestly if i were single, i would have so thought of him as a potential prospect.

but i'm not.

and therefore when he kinda asked me out the first time, i wasn't sure how to react and kinda just brushed it aside ('coz he didn't really ask me out properly other than just a vague suggestion of possibly meeting up). but then he asked me out with a more proper plan in the form of a hey if you want to meet up tonight for a drink just buzz me kinda thing and that was when i started to feel bad.

i'm not really interested per se. i mean i could be. but i'm happy with the alpha boy and not looking for someone else to fill the status of 'boyfriend' in my life. but being attached isn't really something i just tell people either. it's sorta like a if you don't ask, i don't say kinda thing. but then i started thinking that maybe i should say something to him. not that i think that he's totally into me or whatever, but him finding me on an online dating site (even though i promise i haven't logged into in ages) kinda just makes certain implications such as i'm single and looking.

in the end, i told him that i was cool with meeting him but just as friends 'coz i was attached. he might have seemed a lil surprised but also appreciated that i let him know. and i just felt so much better after that.

and i think that kinda all worked out. we are still continuing to have engaging conversations on IM and increasingly realising how similar we are especially in terms of speech and words used. i have to admit that i'm curious to meet him. as friends of 'coz. i only wonder if that is considered okay?

when you find that maybe it's not as bad as you thought after all...

2009-08-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

she's good... that one... the "other woman"...

she was actually the one who suggested over the weekend to the alpha boy that we all meet up for dinner yesterday since she would be meeting him earlier as he was helping her settle some travel insurance claim.

and so we did. and she even got me a lil gift from her trip. i thought that was really sweet of her.

i was surprised at myself when i found myself hugging her hello and goodbye easily. then again i'm a big hugger so that has never been a big deal for me. even when she hugs him. okay well truthfully maybe a wee bit of a deal initially but i'm getting over that pretty fast.

dinner was enjoyable. i've said it before and i'll say it again, i really do like her. and i really do think we get along. i think in some strange way the alpha boy might be happy bout that 'coz then at least us girls seem to amuse ourselves.

i really don't think it's all some elaborate 'plan' of hers to get me on her side while she carries out some devious plot. i think she, probably like me, thinks that it's important that we get along since we're bonded by the alpha boy. and since i get along fabulously with all of the alpha boy's friends anyway, why should she be any different?

'coz she's his ex? yeah well i guess i'm kinda starting to just accept it...

and that's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) i like it

2009-08-21T16:03:00.001+08:00

one of the good qualities bout the alpha boy is that i think that he actually does take into account the things that i've mentioned that i'm unhappy with him bout.

let's take the recent situation bout us having not kissed properly of late. well i mentioned it and expectedly he explained that it was fatigue due to feeling under the weather for over 2 weeks as well as various work stresses. well i get that but i just needed him to know how i felt and all.

and bless his heart, the dear boy remembered that his girlfriend was starting to miss being physcially close to him and made it a point to amend that the next time we met. it wasn't even like an obligatory intimacy or even some regular horndog physicality, it just felt more like him and us and how we used to be. it was nice to know that that wasn't lost.

and i hope that it doesn't get lost again...

they say keep your friends close but your enemies closer...

2009-08-19T23:55:00.003+08:00

... not that i think of the "other woman" as an enemy... if anything, i genuinely think we could be friends.

but even then it was perhaps a lil strange that in the last few days since she added me on the online social utility site, we have been leaving lil posts and messages for each other.

i like her. i really do. but i wonder if i like her enough to not be bothered bout the issue. and it seems like she's taking an effort to actually befriend me and if the lil posts and messages are any way to tell, not just as her good friend cum ex's girlfriend either.

if her "plan" was to get me on her side so that i wouldn't feel as bothered bout how close a friendship she and the alpha boy has, then i think it might be working a lil. i'm still not entirely sure how bothered or unbothered i feel. but yeah, truth is, i really do like her.

after it's all over

2009-08-18T21:02:00.002+08:00

every now and then, drummer boy and i do engage in some IM conversing. and recently we had one of those again.

it started out with us talking bout our separate love lifes. more him talking than me in this instance. and then it moved on to talking bout older men and younger women. it was then that he made a joking reference if he was the last older guy that i attracted. he was, in fact. since technically he's bout 3 months older than the swedish guy.

and then he went on to say...

drummer boy: oh but i've always wanted to tell u this
jo: what?
drummer boy: it would set my heart at ease
drummer boy: oh i want to say sorry for anything that i did or did not do
jo: aww thanks for that
drummer boy: i really felt really bad abt it

we continued to have a relatively open conversation bout that. i told him that he could have handled it better at the end and caused me less confusion and torment. we both agreed that though we both thought that we got along very well, some part of our communication was lacking especially at the end.

he felt that he really needed to get it off his chest. 'coz he felt really bad especially since he knew that i was a good person. and he didn't want to be hated by a nice person like me. i assured him that i never hated him. nor did i actually ever held a grudge against him. i always still regarded him as a friend.

i also told him honestly that i have no regrets of our time together. at least i've learnt something through it all. and i'm glad that whatever happened or did not happen, we still somehow managed to stay friends.

and i really am.

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

2009-08-16T22:29:00.003+08:00

today i turn the last of my 20s. and i must say that to date, my 29th birthday is probably the strangest ever.

i met up with my party girl for a drink on friday. not that i actually wanted to drink or party at all. i've realised that i'm definitely over it (for now at least it seems). but i also wanted to spend some time catching up with my party girl and it seems hard to lately. i had a pretty sedate and possibly even slightly boring night. but oh well i wasn't looking for a crazy time anyway.

saturday night was spent with the alpha boy. we went out for dinner and ice cream and he gave me a modest present (which is perfectly okay 'coz i know he's been tight on finances lately) that he wrapped up in a box with some decorations. it was sweet and cute. and the card he wrote made me go all aww inside...

you're the best thing that ever happened to me... i love you :)

today was also spent with him... walking for 3 hours in multiple parks. it was fun but tiring.

not to nitpick... i mean i did have a good time... but i can't quite shake off the feeling that something still isn't right. okay i'll be honest here and say that we haven't had a proper kiss in 2 weeks. and frankly that's just weird for me. i know that he's been really busy and tired out lately with work stuff but at the same time i can't help wondering if maybe, just maybe, it also has something to do with that talk we had last week. you know the talk where he wasn't sure if maybe we were platonic?

and to make matters worst, when i decided that it was my birthday and i'd get a damn kiss even if i have to ask for it and actually asked for it, the kiss was far less than what was our usual proper kiss.

i've been trying really hard this entire week to get past that talk. and anyone i so happened to have randomly talked to bout this (i don't really give details on who said what so in all probability they think that i'm the one who thinks it could be platonic) doesn't think it's as big a deal. a guy friend actually provided me some pretty good perspective when he pointed out that things did indeed change for the alpha boy and me from when we were just friends as in we communicate and share more and of 'coz there's the physical aspect. and that it might not be that bad that we don't have a honeymoon period or that it's more slow burn than anything else. he reckons the better relationships are usually the ones based on friendship anyway.

that's all well and good and i was starting to almost feel a bit better... but then the whole birthday "kiss" happened and i was thrown off for a bit again. i just don't know anything anymore and i feel an overwhelming desire to tell him. afterall relationships are based on honesty right?

and 'coz i can't exactly talk bout anything, i texted... and tried to phrase it in the best way i could...

jo: so hey r things okay or is something on ur mind or uve just been really tired n busy? coz i realised tt we havent kissed properly lately n im kinda missing it...

waiting for a response is the scariest thing ever...

that elusive spark

2009-08-10T14:43:00.000+08:00

i was catching up with a friend for dinner just over a week ago and we had the rare chance to actually really talk. and 'coz when girls get together, we inevitably talk bout guys, that's what we did.

she was kinda surprised and pointed out that despite the alpha boy and i having been together for only a lil over 3 months, we seemed to have talked bout some serious stuff. in turn, i found out that she was still a lil confused bout her boyfriend of over a year.

her boyfriend is this amazing guy. he treats her so well that i'm sure all of us girls can only wish and hope our guys would reat us that way too. he's really nice and handles everything that my rather fiesty friend throws at him. the problem is that i've always known that she's not really all that physically attracted to him. he's actually kinda cute but unfortunately he isn't that tall and has a rather slender built. he could look like her younger brother.

she talked bout how even though she can't imagine her life without him and considers him her best friend, she's actually thought bout breaking up with him 'coz she isn't sure if she feels the spark and wonders if he's just mr. right now.

now there i was being sympathetic with how she was feeling. and really i am. i've always claimed that the spark is very important. but little did i know that i would soon find myself possibly in the same situation... only in the reverse.

over the weekend, the alpha boy landed me with a bombshell. he shared that for the last few weeks, he's been sometimes having some doubts bout us. not that he's not happy with me 'coz he is. but like he wonders if maybe we will still have it as good as now if we were just friends and if we should have just stayed as friends. he loves me, but he doesn't always know if he loves me as a friend or a girlfriend.

he was hesistant in sharing this but decided to 'coz he thought it was only fair for me to know and so that we could try and work things out. he took a risk that i could have broken up with him over this despite him not wanting to break up with me.

now all this pretty much just broke my heart. i was so hurt and surprised 'coz i thought that we were doing pretty well. and also 'coz this seems like a kiss of death. the platonic angle. it's also frustrating 'coz this isn't something that i can actually do or change to fix things.

at the same time i kinda find it strange that he would feel that way. we had a talk bout it and he said that he likes making out with me and all that which generally would mean that we're not platonic. he tried to reassure me by saying that it wasn't as bad as i imagined it to be. it's just that sometimes he has his doubts.

we talked more. and he came to the conclusion that it's probably just early relationship jitters. i mean that i understand. i'm not asking him to be 100% sure right now. i'm not even 100% sure myself. i guess i just thought that if it was just the normal doubts, he shouldn't have phrased it such that it made it seem like he only thought of me platonically. i really don't know. and then i find myself wondering if maybe we aren't that coupley 'coz of this reason and not 'coz we're both not really used to the whole relationship thing (what with me being new at this and him being 7 years outta the last relationship).

but well we've decided that we do love each other (though goodness knows if it's just platonic love for me on his side or not) and are happy with each other and want to work at making this work. i guess i'm just trying not to think too much bout it for now. but it's hard. i find myself almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. and i don't want that shoe to drop...

i would like to think that...

2009-07-25T00:17:00.004+08:00

while i'm not the hottest babe around, i would like to think that no one would consider me less than attractive. i've had my fair share of male attention but i've also certainly had many times where i've lost my mojo.

the alpha boy however somehow has the ability to charm all the women. he isn't the hottest dude around though (obviously) i find him very attractive. but he's just one of the rare guys who has somehow figured out the secret to attraction. and hence i'm almost used to having all the women checking him out regardless of whether i'm right there next to him holding his hand or not.

now i would like to think that i'm not really the jealous sort. afterall if all the women want my man then that must just mean that i've got good taste. and i also like to think that i do indeed have good taste. but admittedly sometimes the lil green horns of jealously does rear it's head.

in recent times i've been particularly "annoyed" with this one girl that he met via a networking event. let's call her the exotic dancer, not that that's her choice of career but 'coz she belongs to some dance group that does exotic dancing. i'm not too clear on it but i reckon it's basically that she's learnt it in a class. so anyhow right off the bat he knew that she was interested in him. he however was more interested in a possible business opportunity. somewhere after 2 meetings and perhaps a few texts / IMs, they sorta maybe became friends.

the thing is that the exotic dancer likes him. it's pretty darn obvious. i've never met her but i don't even need to meet her to know that. i'm a girl, i should know the lil tricks girls pull.

after their second business meeting, she found out that he was heading off to a mall to get some shirts and she decided that she too has not been to that mall and hence wanted to go along with him. of 'coz they then wound up having dinner and talking more. and then she IMed him asking him "relationship questions" such as his views on certain things and lamenting bout how she's single and wanting to find a good guy. yeah well, this guy is taken sister! and then there was the friendly text along the lines of "24 more hours before your trip" 'coz he's bout to go away on a week-long trip.

she may not be chasing him per se, but she's definitely dropping hints like none other that she's interested. the alpha boy is not interested. well 'coz he has me and he doesn't cheat and also 'coz even though he thinks that she's somewhat attractive, she's not really his type.

which brings me to my problem with this. while he's not encouraging her, he's not discouraging her either. and i think that when not encouraging her isn't enough to stop her, then i think he should be discouraging her. and from my personal experiences on being discouraged, i reckon there's only 2 ways to go. he either ignores all her texts and IMs or he just manages to find a way to tell her that he's attached.

but who am i to say right?

P.S. i love you

2009-07-17T14:24:00.003+08:00

the setting: a fastfood place where i'm rushing an evening snack and he is waiting for me to finish eating

the mood: he is looking off into space doing one of his thinking things

the words: he suddenly nods his head solemnly to himself and says "i love you" while possibly looking in the direction of the fastfood counter staff

the response: i look at him for a beat and then reply "i love you too" while possibly looking in the direction of the corner of the wall

and there, in a fastfood place somewhere in the world, a counterstaff and corner of the wall feels the love.

well i guess it's better than nothing at all.

delete and move on

2009-07-15T15:23:00.001+08:00

it's nice how drummer boy and i are kinda friends. obviously we're not the let's talk for hours and meet up regularly kinda friends (and yes, that was a slight dig at the alpha boy's close friendship with the "other woman"), but i would think we're the let's IM occasionally kinda sorta somewhat friends.

recently in one of our IM conversations, he asked me how was the alpha boy and in return i asked how was his love life. turns out he just started seeing someone for less than a month. everything seems to all well and good and his mom thinks she's nice.

i can't imagine why i would be surprised but i suppose in some ways i was. it's silly really. i mean i can't exactly expect him not to move on right? but maybe it's just the usual surprise you feel when someone you used to date or fancy has found someone else.

i'm glad he's happy with his new girlfriend. and i know the way he'd be attentive and the constant texts to her. and the way he would hold her, hug her, kiss her...

it's funny how i should hear this news when i was just in the process of deleting his past texts from my phone. yes, partly laziness and partly inability to really move on has caused me to leave these texts in my phone for far longer than they probably should have been. but they are simply taking too much memory... from my phone and perhaps even from my own memory.

so i guess we've all moved on... and somehow stayed amicable and somewhat reasonably in touch. that sounds better than most of my previous "relationships".

this probably wouldn't be the last we hear of this

2009-07-14T04:15:00.001+08:00

i guess i shouldn't be surprised... afterall it seemed like he was being too understanding. but strangely when the alpha boy brought up the issue i have with the "other woman", i was still a bit surprised.

we were having one of our late night conversations. and then he ended my call to pick another. an hour later he called me back. turns out it was his ex. yes, he ended my call to answer hers. okay so i'm trying not to get too bothered. afterall he did tell me much earlier that he was going to catch up with her before she left for her 3-week trip the next day.

he told her bout how i felt and she was suitably bummed out. turns out she tends to lose close guy friends 'coz they get attached and their girlfriends are understandably unhappy with that close friendship. yes, that's why women should have other women as close friends.

of 'coz he then decides that he's kinda bothered that i'm kinda bothered and decides to find out just how bothered i am bout it all. i suppose it did annoy me a wee bit that he would even have to ask (but okay so the dude ain't a mind reader). i've told him before and he should know by now that i wouldn't ever say anything unless it bothered me enough. i'm someone who is really bad at talking bout feelings and emotions and hence most of the time i try to rationalise or just push 'em away. i only feel the need to say something when rationalising and pushing it away doesn't help me feel any less bothered.

i sorta reminded him bout that. and that yes, i'm bothered enough. he said that he understood where i was coming from. but frankly i'm not sure if he really did get it. i tried to explain it using words such as "inappropriate", "lines must be drawn", "emotional "cheating"" and whatever i could to try and explain. i'm not sure if i explained it well enough. or maybe it's just a girl feeling to have and he just wouldn't really understand.

i'm not wrong to feel the way i do. i know that for sure. and given most anyone else, i think they would have been likely to get more upset than i am. all the same i'm just really wondering if this will ever be resolved properly...