Thursday, February 16, 2006

order me a can of worms

what is it that they say bout guys from the past? not to go there again?

lately prick04 and i have been keeping in touch again. and it's confusing me so much that i'm no longer sure if he still warrants the nickname prick04 that i bestowed upon him after a particularly complicated crash and burn in 2004. he says that he's changed and i can actually maybe even see that that could be true... he seems less prick-y than before. but i can also tell that his feelings haven't changed. he's definitely still looking to be with me. but i'm just not sure.

honestly he's almost always treated me well... except for a select few prick-y moments. i can say without doubt that he's the one who has loved me the most. but unfortunately i can't say that he's the one i have loved the most. is he loving me the most enough? that's the thing i've struggled with. and somehow i haven't been able to subscribe to that notion. no, 'coz i, like every other romantic, feel like it should be a mutual love. and we would be happy and ride off in the sunset. but is all that fairytale dream just a fairytale?

so yeah, we've been hanging out a fair bit lately. and it's strange. he provides for some reasonably fun entertainment and we can actually sorta get along. i think we just choose not to think of everything that has happened in the past. he's occasionally sorta touchy feely but i try not to encourage him too much without shutting him out entirely.

i don't think i've ever thought bout him so much in 2 years as i have in the last 2 weeks. i keep trying to figure out my feelings and what's going on. i wonder if i'm missing out on something possibly great with him but yet if it's meant to be, shouldn't i feel more sure bout things and less like i've opened a can of worms?

but i think that maybe i have come to some sort of conclusion for now. i'm actually happy with things with him as it is. i don't think i'm ready for any commitment. and if i'm being honest, i'll admit that whatever my latent feelings for him are, they aren't strong enough for me to really want a commitment right now anyway. but if i have already come to an apparent conclusion, why do i still feel so confused?



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