honey, you're the one (of the "few") for me

every now and then i get various people (my best friend, my friend, the alpha boy's friend) asking me if i think that the alpha boy is the one. and every time i can never give them an actual answer.

i mean seriously who knows? it doesn't mean that i'm unhappy with the alpha boy or that i want to date someone else 'coz that is so far from that. maybe i haven't been with him long enough? though a great number of people have gotten married in less than the amount of time i've been with him. or maybe it's 'coz i'm not entirely convinced bout the term "the one".

as kids, we've always talked bout "the one". the romeo to your juliet, only far less tragic. the clyde to your bonnie, only far less criminal. the ben to your jerry...

the point is, we are looking for someone to, as jerry maguire says, "complete me". someone who would make you look back on your sometimes too darn crazy single days (the good and the bad kinda crazy) and think dang you sure wouldn't wanna be back there again.

for the longest while, i too was swept away by the romantic notion of "the one". but as time passed, i started looking at it from a more logical point of view.

i don't really believe in the "one", i believe in the "few".

i realise that this suddenly makes it sound like i'm either into polygamy or lack the capacity for a committed relationship but neither is the case. i just think that if you think bout it, the "one" doesn't really make sense. all it takes is for one person to mess up and choose someone who wasn't the "one" for him/her (and you know that that is bound to happen) and a whole bunch of other people could be coupled with non "ones" or simply be forced to stay single.

when i say that i believe in the "few", i mean that i think that there are a few people who, based on personality and character traits, would be suitable for one person. and then it's simply a matter of free will, opportunity, geographical location and other real life reasons that make or break relationships.

this does not make it any easier to find someone.

but it does make the alpha boy one of the "few" for me.

but really what do i know?

a few years ago some guy friends joked that i could write a book bout dating. something to provide guys with a female perspective and give them some information on how to date.

it's funny 'coz i don't think that i have a lot of dating experience. yes, i have dated some. and yes, i have been exposed to the party lifestyle (those guy friends haven't) which have allowed me to see and experience some less conventional dating styles. but that's bout it... some personal paltry psuedo dating experiences with mainly men who weren't even worth it.

but perhaps it's exactly that that makes me want the good guys to win. it's almost like i sometimes feel the need to try and help these good guys (who mostly seem to come across as pretty shy) to step up, level the playing field and beat the players out there whose expertise seem to run only to breaking girls' hearts.

there are guys like shy (now ex) colleague (who i have always nicknamed as my angel boy), who is a lovely guy but seemed to be getting the short end of the stick from a girl he's pseudo dated. i think girls need more guys like him, sweet and sincere. but at the same time my advice to him was not to take this crap. i mean obviously you gotta be nice to the girl you're interested in but not in that bend-over-backwards way that i've seen some guys do. sure, you might eventually get the girl after prolonged periods of being her doormat, but how is that sustainable? he needed to be confident, to know his worth and believe that a girl who didn't see him as a catch just wasn't worth the trouble anyway.

it was the same advice i found myself recently giving to another ex colleague. he's a 22 year old ex intern who has strangely always reminded me a lil of my angel boy. maybe it's in the youth (my angel boy is just a year older than he is), maybe it's just something in their personality. but they are both good guys. good guys that i seem to have a bit of a soft spot for and want to see winning the girl.

after our IM chat, the ex intern echoed the same sentiments as my guy friends did years ago and told me that i could write a book on this.

and i'm the girl who only recently just got a boyfriend. i think it's safe to say that i'm not qualified for this.

like an ostrich with my head in the sand

we all have our pasts. and while i'm essentially a level-headed, considerable virtuous and a totally late bloomer type of girl, i am somewhat ashamed to admit that i do have some sort of a past.

it was as a result of the partying lifestyle that i adopted since 2005 till the end of last year. where i found myself randomly kissing strangers and friends amongst other things. it seemed like i was always seeking a new high and felt like i was leading a somewhat self-destructive life 'coz when i thought bout it, i always knew that this wasn't what i really wanted for myself.

i did some things which i'm not proud of and some other things which i can't ever talk bout 'coz it was too wrong for my own conscience to even wrap around.

i always knew that i wouldn't ever really divulge this time of my life to whoever my partner would wind up to be. honestly i doubt that he would really want to know anyway. i remember a conversation the alpha boy and i once had when we were then just friends. he was curious as to how many guys i had kissed. the number of girls he's kissed was a very modest less than a handful (despite getting a much much much earlier headstart than i did). and while i admitted that mine was more than twice his, i didn't dare to admit to just how much more.

we don't talk bout this. but he knows that i've certainly had some colorful moments. he just doesn't know how colorful some of them might have been. though honestly it's nowhere as exciting as most others, it's just that in comparison to him and what my true prudish nature is like, it just seems like a big deal.

the alpha boy can't ever know some of these things. ever. i worry that if he does, it will forever change his impression of me and that would be something i want to avoid. in any case, those times weren't really a reflection of the real me.

so i just like to pretend that all that never happened.

it's like we're taking turns

this weekend was all bout family time. his family and my family.

we went for his grandmother's birthday dinner on saturday and then proceeded to chill out at the alpha boy's place watching a movie. on sunday he came over to my place to watch another movie before we headed out for dinner with my parentals.

it was a good weekend. though perhaps a lil strange that essentially we just bout took turns to spend time with the other's family. and while it's nice 'coz we all get along, i'm still adjusting to how unreal it all seems.

it's not that i care, i'm just curious

the online social utility site is an amazing stalker device. and i'm not even gonna deny it, sometimes i do stalk.

recently i realised that i have a "favorite" person to stalk. i don't stalk that person often but on the off chance that i do see any status update, i do take a peek into the person's profile and see what other updates i've missed.

and i'm not exactly proud to say this but that person is the ad-man.

now that's someone who i haven't talked bout in bout a year. and that's simply 'coz i don't care. okay maybe i might since i'm still checking out his profile every now and then. but i've justified this as 'coz being as eloquent as he is, his status updates and comments are generally well thought out and interesting (at least as much as it can get in a couple of sentences). and being as attractive as he is, his pictures are visually appealing. and okay okay i'm also curious bout his love life.

sue me. i think mostly i'm just still slightly disgruntled bout how things ended between us (that is assuming that we even started). as in they didn't really end. we went from chatting online for hours every day for months and meeting up with each other semi frequently to him suddenly not even appearing online at all (i highly suspect that he blocked me). that's enough cause for a girl to go a lil bat shit crazy wondering what happened. as far as i could tell, nothing happened. we didn't have a falling out. he wasn't offended by something i said. i didn't stalk him. i believe he just met someone else and got attached soon after.

which is fine. i mean come on, i'm a big girl. you don't even have to have any kind of talk with me where you let me down gently bout how you don't think this will ever work out and all that jazz. all it would have taken was a simple mention bout a new love interest or girlfriend and i would have gotten the hint real quick. i would have wished him all the best, set my own feelings aside and continue being friends. but no, he did not even have the decency to do that.

knowing his track record of past girlfriends and how half of them only lasted a month makes me extra curious bout how long the next girlfriend will last. the one he coupled up with right after he poofed on me lasted a month. and then he was single for a while (i don't know how long, i don't stalk that much). and then some time back (i don't know when, 'coz like i said, i don't stalk that much) he got coupled up with another girl who from my stalker skills i have inferred that he probably have known since his teenage years. she seems normal and they seem like they are still going strong so at least that breaks his one month record.

actually i don't really care too much. he lost so much points with me for showing poor character that in my eyes, there's no way he could ever redeem himself anymore. but i suppose i'm just curious. 'coz this is the one guy whose disappearing act made such an impact on me given the depth of our previous interactions and my subsequently growing feelings. this was someone i initially thought had great potential.

so yes, i guess maybe i just still like to know what he's up to. even if i don't ever want to talk to him or see him again. and maybe i even secretly wish that he would fail in love as some kind of payback for the way he treated me. perhaps that's why i check back in every now and then to see if his "in a relationship" status has since changed...

your picture speaks a thousand words to me

he posted some pictures on his online social utility site page.

pictures showing what happened after he went to support his girlfriend's dance performance. pictures showing them beaming happily together. pictures showing him spontaneously carrying her.

maybe it was his all too familiar and heart-warming smile. maybe it was the light hearted, fun-loving side that i feel is lacking in my current relationship. or maybe 'coz it's him... those pictures somehow caused a dull ache in my heart and seeked to remind me bout how someone will probably always have a special place in my heart and that a part of me would probably always still be "in love" with him.

that must be what happens when he's the first person you "loved" and the longest, nevermind that you never actually even dated him.

this is the part where i realise i have turned into a boring old lady

halloween weekend meant that i saw many exciting pictures posted on the online social utility site loudly proclaiming all the fun that everyone else was having and loudly proclaiming in my mind to remind me all the fun i wasn't having.

i used to be the fun girl. i partied it up weekly and drank copiously. i laughed, i danced, i had heaps of fun. nevermind that occasionally i would come back down realising that it wasn't all that fun and exciting afterall.

i've always had my moments where all the partying would take its toll on me and i would feel the urge to run away from it all. and i've never felt more like this than since this year. it didn't help that i got attached and partying without your significant other loses it's fun when half the time you have to be careful not to drink too much and accidentally engage in some random making out. it also makes matters worst when my party girl is now very much a stay home girl. she works long hours and is pretty tired out and lately it's been even harder to get her to head out for dinner much less to party.

my new party BFF is still partying it up with the others in the group but frankly, i've never actually been all that close to them and i highly suspect that my new party BFF no longer keeps me in the party loop simply 'coz she assumes i will have plans with the alpha boy.

all this just makes me realise that honestly i don't have a whole lot of friends. i mean if i wanted to party, i could probably still round up a few enthusiastic party girls. but if i'm looking for dinner and perhaps some chill out drinks with someone i can just talk to and share with, i'm kinda batting at zero.

my best friend is located far far away and my party girl will soon be moving to far far far away next year. i have a few other friends here and there who i do make time to catch up with but it's not a regular thing. which basically leaves me with practically no friends left.

maybe it's another phase of life. and much as i've always told myself that i won't forget my friends even when i'm attached, i never quite bargained that my so-called friends would be the ones to forget me instead.

i guess i just can't quite help but sometimes feel like i'm alone.