P.S. i love you

the setting: a fastfood place where i'm rushing an evening snack and he is waiting for me to finish eating

the mood: he is looking off into space doing one of his thinking things

the words: he suddenly nods his head solemnly to himself and says "i love you" while possibly looking in the direction of the fastfood counter staff

the response: i look at him for a beat and then reply "i love you too" while possibly looking in the direction of the corner of the wall

and there, in a fastfood place somewhere in the world, a counterstaff and corner of the wall feels the love.

well i guess it's better than nothing at all.

delete and move on

it's nice how drummer boy and i are kinda friends. obviously we're not the let's talk for hours and meet up regularly kinda friends (and yes, that was a slight dig at the alpha boy's close friendship with the "other woman"), but i would think we're the let's IM occasionally kinda sorta somewhat friends.

recently in one of our IM conversations, he asked me how was the alpha boy and in return i asked how was his love life. turns out he just started seeing someone for less than a month. everything seems to all well and good and his mom thinks she's nice.

i can't imagine why i would be surprised but i suppose in some ways i was. it's silly really. i mean i can't exactly expect him not to move on right? but maybe it's just the usual surprise you feel when someone you used to date or fancy has found someone else.

i'm glad he's happy with his new girlfriend. and i know the way he'd be attentive and the constant texts to her. and the way he would hold her, hug her, kiss her...

it's funny how i should hear this news when i was just in the process of deleting his past texts from my phone. yes, partly laziness and partly inability to really move on has caused me to leave these texts in my phone for far longer than they probably should have been. but they are simply taking too much memory... from my phone and perhaps even from my own memory.

so i guess we've all moved on... and somehow stayed amicable and somewhat reasonably in touch. that sounds better than most of my previous "relationships".

this probably wouldn't be the last we hear of this

i guess i shouldn't be surprised... afterall it seemed like he was being too understanding. but strangely when the alpha boy brought up the issue i have with the "other woman", i was still a bit surprised.

we were having one of our late night conversations. and then he ended my call to pick another. an hour later he called me back. turns out it was his ex. yes, he ended my call to answer hers. okay so i'm trying not to get too bothered. afterall he did tell me much earlier that he was going to catch up with her before she left for her 3-week trip the next day.

he told her bout how i felt and she was suitably bummed out. turns out she tends to lose close guy friends 'coz they get attached and their girlfriends are understandably unhappy with that close friendship. yes, that's why women should have other women as close friends.

of 'coz he then decides that he's kinda bothered that i'm kinda bothered and decides to find out just how bothered i am bout it all. i suppose it did annoy me a wee bit that he would even have to ask (but okay so the dude ain't a mind reader). i've told him before and he should know by now that i wouldn't ever say anything unless it bothered me enough. i'm someone who is really bad at talking bout feelings and emotions and hence most of the time i try to rationalise or just push 'em away. i only feel the need to say something when rationalising and pushing it away doesn't help me feel any less bothered.

i sorta reminded him bout that. and that yes, i'm bothered enough. he said that he understood where i was coming from. but frankly i'm not sure if he really did get it. i tried to explain it using words such as "inappropriate", "lines must be drawn", "emotional "cheating"" and whatever i could to try and explain. i'm not sure if i explained it well enough. or maybe it's just a girl feeling to have and he just wouldn't really understand.

i'm not wrong to feel the way i do. i know that for sure. and given most anyone else, i think they would have been likely to get more upset than i am. all the same i'm just really wondering if this will ever be resolved properly...

and we're moving along at the speed of light...

love is a funny lil thing.

there have been times where i'm sure that i "love" (i use apostrophes 'coz i'm partially commitment phobic like that) someone even though i'm not with the guy though he has most certainly made it to my heart. but 'coz of the obvious lack of true commitment to each other, it was easy to put those apostrophes and say that maybe it's not really love anyway.

but what happens if you're in a relationship and you start to feel those familiar tinglings of what you've deemed previously as signs of budding love? the kind of signs where you profess outloud your love for him to yourself just to see if you can even get the words out. and you'll know how you feel by the way your gut rejects it or your heart smiles.

let's say that you think you love him. but then every other movie out there always makes it seem like actually vocalising those words to the intended loved one is such a big deal that you need to wait months, years, forever, before you even think of saying it. that is assuming you don't stutter in your attempt to say it out.

so in my case, the alpha boy and i have on previous occasions somewhat implied "i love you". generally more so for him than for me (not 'coz i don't think i feel the same but 'coz i'm partially commitment phobic like that). he said things like "i love you just the way you are", "i love you, not your dog" (and please don't start on how wrong that sounds but well it was in response to my "love me, love my dog" saying), "don't worry i still love you" and various other implications.

after the whole discussion bout the situation with the "other woman" had him text me...

the alpha boy: in case you haven't alrerady figured this out i love you and i want you to feel secure..

whoa wait a min... did he just say what i think he did? and so i decided that i just had to make sure.

the alpha boy: yes you do.. i love you dear

and i said it back in return.

but so far neither one of us has actually said it to each other verbally...

****

so the first plan to meet up with his family didn't quite happen. the second plan was a sunday lunch... except that it wasn't just with his family... it was also his extended family.

his mom thought that maybe with more people there, it would seem less like they (meaning his parentals) were interrogating me. but instead i found myself being "interrogated" by 3 sets of parents!

his mom is pretty cool and so were his 2 aunts and uncles. the cousins were too young to bother talking to me and his brother seemed a lil shy to talk to me. this side of his extended family is like a melting pot of various nationalities, and i haven't even met the other members of his extended family of different nationalities as well. but i reckon 'coz i'm me, i was able to get along with all of 'em pretty well. so well in fact that the alpha boy thought it appropriate to essentially leave me there for a bit to get grilled by all the parental types while he played fooseball with his cousins.

yes, he left me alone!

he claimed that he felt like i was confident enough to handle it all and i seemed to be doing fine and dandy. yeah well but besides getting grilled to a nice well done, i reckon i survived it all.

and now i know why they say talking bout it is better

last night the alpha boy and i met up with his ex and then with one of her guy friends. when she first saw us, she surprised me by enveloping me with a hug and then giving the alpha boy a hug as well. i mean i only just met her briefly less than a week ago and wasn't expecting a hug from her. this time after walking around together for a bit and then having dinner together, i got to know her a bit better.

and i definitely do like her. strangely enough i could even see the possibility that if this carries on in the future, we could actually wind up to be friends. according to the alpha boy, the "other woman" doesn't really have close female friends. frankly i'm not surprised. for one, she thinks most women are flaky (which i suppose can be somewhat true though i'm not really the flaky kind) and for another, i can imagine the guys all being into her. there's just something bout her. i don't necessarily think she's a flirt, but she is rather touchy (though still not overly so). and has the kind of infectious energy to back her up. and of 'coz let's be honest here, she's very attractive. that always helps.

i suppose in some ways it made sense and maybe somewhat made things a wee bit better when she's that way with the alpha boy. he's a close friend and that's just how she is with everyone. so at least i know that it's not a super special treatment towards him. but then again when i think bout their long regular phone conversations, i think to myself, okay i still feel weird bout that.

so i couldn't quite take it anymore and decided to tell him... of 'coz via text.

jo: so ive thought bout this for a bit n i think tt e whole situation w u n *insert name of the "other woman"* is still a lil strange to me. i think maybe e thing is tt im not entirely sure how comfy i am knowing tt there is another woman in ur life tt ure tt close to, talk tt much to n confide in. e whole ex thing also doesnt help. i feel strange telling u this coz i do trust u n i actually like her n i meanits not like ive known u for very long. but yeah just letting u know i suppose.

i guess his reply was rather reassuring...

the alpha boy: hmm alright sweets... i'm glad you told me... better than stewing in it! since that's the case i guess i'll cut down on the time i spend on the phone with her? truth is i don't really spend as much time with her on the line anymore...

i know that he has already cut down the time he spends with her on the line, but that's the scary part... with it being cut down, it's already quite a lot. well i guess it's a good thing that i told him and he seems to be rather understanding of how i feel. let's hope this works out for the better.

the "other woman"

i've decided that the idea of meeting the alpha boy's ex-girlfriend is scarier than meeting his mom!

the alpha boy and i were out on friday night with 2 of his friends when we had a quick lil private conversation of our own and did our usual asking of the other's plans for the next day. he had plans to have a quick meet-up with his ex to help her with some travel insurance thing (though i'm not entirely sure why but oh well it's hard to know the whys of these things between 'em) and asked me out along to meet her. he figured that i had just bout met every one of his close friends except for her and i might as well meet her.

yes well, i knew that i was going to meet her one day. and frankly i was as curious as i was nervous bout that.

i've seen some of her pictures from a year ago and from 'em i thought that while she wasn't unattractive, she didn't seem particularly good looking to me.

except that sometimes pictures lie.

in real-life, i found her to be rather attractive. she had flawless skin, a good figure and just that something very interesting in her features that made you want to keep looking at her. in other words, i definitely thought she was hot. oh well afterall she is an actress and model.

and she was nice. she was friendly and even though we only met very briefly, i reckon that i could probably actually get along with her. there were times when i felt like we were on similar wavelengths. i could totally see why the alpha boy got together with her.

i actually like her. but i'm not sure if this makes me feel okay with the alpha boy being that close to her in that long hours of regular phone conversation kinda way.

i mean i trust him and i'm convinced that it's all platonic. even on her part. sure, she did tell me some lil tidbits bout him which no doubt some of which she probably drawed from her time with him and others probably from simply being close friends with him for that long. but it was also a bit hard for me not to try and imagine 'em together in that way if you catch my drift. i think the weird thing for me is that i'm not sure just how comfortable i am knowing that there is another woman in his life that he is that close to. and it certainly doesn't help that she's also his ex.

i haven't decided as yet if i should say anything to him. a part of me wonders if i should wait and see if that feeling subsides, or simply wait for a better time (though i might never know when that would be... maybe when it festers inside me long enough?) or if i should just say it soon. and by say, i really mean text since there pretty much is no way that i think i can actually say it out in words...

it was then that some kind of weird line was crossed

the other day the alpha boy was on a full-day course. at around after lunch time, i decided to text him just to check in on how his first half of the day went. in reply, he decided to call me instead.

it was then that i heard the familiar tell-tale echo-y sounds from the phone.

"are you in the bathroom?" i enquired suspiciously.

"yep," he replied

and then i heard the unmistakenable sounds of water trickling.

"are you peeing???" i asked incredulously.

once again he replied in the affirmative.

i laughed so hard.

"so basically you called me while you were peeing??!" now i just thought that the situation was really quite hilarious.

"yes i did," he said rather nonchalantly.

"you do realise that some kind of weird line has been crossed here right?" i laughed.

not that i'm neccessarily weirded out, 'coz i'm not. afterall i don't have a problem peeing in front of immediate family members or my girlfriends. and evidently he doesn't really think it's weird either that he called me while he was peeing. but yes, some kind of weird line was crossed. and maybe we're in a more comfort zone with each other. i can only assume the farts, burps and other bodily functions would come next...