it's not that i care, i'm just curious

the online social utility site is an amazing stalker device. and i'm not even gonna deny it, sometimes i do stalk.

recently i realised that i have a "favorite" person to stalk. i don't stalk that person often but on the off chance that i do see any status update, i do take a peek into the person's profile and see what other updates i've missed.

and i'm not exactly proud to say this but that person is the ad-man.

now that's someone who i haven't talked bout in bout a year. and that's simply 'coz i don't care. okay maybe i might since i'm still checking out his profile every now and then. but i've justified this as 'coz being as eloquent as he is, his status updates and comments are generally well thought out and interesting (at least as much as it can get in a couple of sentences). and being as attractive as he is, his pictures are visually appealing. and okay okay i'm also curious bout his love life.

sue me. i think mostly i'm just still slightly disgruntled bout how things ended between us (that is assuming that we even started). as in they didn't really end. we went from chatting online for hours every day for months and meeting up with each other semi frequently to him suddenly not even appearing online at all (i highly suspect that he blocked me). that's enough cause for a girl to go a lil bat shit crazy wondering what happened. as far as i could tell, nothing happened. we didn't have a falling out. he wasn't offended by something i said. i didn't stalk him. i believe he just met someone else and got attached soon after.

which is fine. i mean come on, i'm a big girl. you don't even have to have any kind of talk with me where you let me down gently bout how you don't think this will ever work out and all that jazz. all it would have taken was a simple mention bout a new love interest or girlfriend and i would have gotten the hint real quick. i would have wished him all the best, set my own feelings aside and continue being friends. but no, he did not even have the decency to do that.

knowing his track record of past girlfriends and how half of them only lasted a month makes me extra curious bout how long the next girlfriend will last. the one he coupled up with right after he poofed on me lasted a month. and then he was single for a while (i don't know how long, i don't stalk that much). and then some time back (i don't know when, 'coz like i said, i don't stalk that much) he got coupled up with another girl who from my stalker skills i have inferred that he probably have known since his teenage years. she seems normal and they seem like they are still going strong so at least that breaks his one month record.

actually i don't really care too much. he lost so much points with me for showing poor character that in my eyes, there's no way he could ever redeem himself anymore. but i suppose i'm just curious. 'coz this is the one guy whose disappearing act made such an impact on me given the depth of our previous interactions and my subsequently growing feelings. this was someone i initially thought had great potential.

so yes, i guess maybe i just still like to know what he's up to. even if i don't ever want to talk to him or see him again. and maybe i even secretly wish that he would fail in love as some kind of payback for the way he treated me. perhaps that's why i check back in every now and then to see if his "in a relationship" status has since changed...

your picture speaks a thousand words to me

he posted some pictures on his online social utility site page.

pictures showing what happened after he went to support his girlfriend's dance performance. pictures showing them beaming happily together. pictures showing him spontaneously carrying her.

maybe it was his all too familiar and heart-warming smile. maybe it was the light hearted, fun-loving side that i feel is lacking in my current relationship. or maybe 'coz it's him... those pictures somehow caused a dull ache in my heart and seeked to remind me bout how someone will probably always have a special place in my heart and that a part of me would probably always still be "in love" with him.

that must be what happens when he's the first person you "loved" and the longest, nevermind that you never actually even dated him.

this is the part where i realise i have turned into a boring old lady

halloween weekend meant that i saw many exciting pictures posted on the online social utility site loudly proclaiming all the fun that everyone else was having and loudly proclaiming in my mind to remind me all the fun i wasn't having.

i used to be the fun girl. i partied it up weekly and drank copiously. i laughed, i danced, i had heaps of fun. nevermind that occasionally i would come back down realising that it wasn't all that fun and exciting afterall.

i've always had my moments where all the partying would take its toll on me and i would feel the urge to run away from it all. and i've never felt more like this than since this year. it didn't help that i got attached and partying without your significant other loses it's fun when half the time you have to be careful not to drink too much and accidentally engage in some random making out. it also makes matters worst when my party girl is now very much a stay home girl. she works long hours and is pretty tired out and lately it's been even harder to get her to head out for dinner much less to party.

my new party BFF is still partying it up with the others in the group but frankly, i've never actually been all that close to them and i highly suspect that my new party BFF no longer keeps me in the party loop simply 'coz she assumes i will have plans with the alpha boy.

all this just makes me realise that honestly i don't have a whole lot of friends. i mean if i wanted to party, i could probably still round up a few enthusiastic party girls. but if i'm looking for dinner and perhaps some chill out drinks with someone i can just talk to and share with, i'm kinda batting at zero.

my best friend is located far far away and my party girl will soon be moving to far far far away next year. i have a few other friends here and there who i do make time to catch up with but it's not a regular thing. which basically leaves me with practically no friends left.

maybe it's another phase of life. and much as i've always told myself that i won't forget my friends even when i'm attached, i never quite bargained that my so-called friends would be the ones to forget me instead.

i guess i just can't quite help but sometimes feel like i'm alone.

the hows, whats and whys of it

sometimes the alpha boy and i are still quite surprised at how we even wound up together to begin with and sometimes we talk bout our interactions before we got together as almost a way to find out what the other was thinking "way back then".

recently we were having one such conversation. basically when we first got to know each other, despite it being via the online dating site, we both viewed it as a friends thing. he's not the type to mack on girls (simply 'coz usually all the girls are throwing themselves at him on a regular basis anyway) and i found out that his initial motive was to sell me something (that's part of his job). on my part, i was kinda seeing the swedish guy and i also vibed off the alpha boy's friendship vibe and concluded that he wasn't looking for anything serious anyway.

and hence a friendship blossomed.

i'm not even sure exactly when that friendship looked like it was turning into something more. it could be when he started calling me ever so often where we would spend hours on the phone together. he told me that with every new girl he meets, he very quickly knows just where they stand. and for me, he always placed me as "platinum grade" who was high on the "wifeability" material (and i do quote him on that). it was just a matter of whether he was ready for a commitment or not.

likewise could be said for me. having being single all that while, i had a natural nervous reaction to commitment not 'coz i necessarily didn't want it or thought i couldn't keep to it but simply 'coz i didn't know what it was like.

i'm glad that the alpha boy was as smart as he is to have figured that the best way to get through to me would be to pre-empt me. and that's why our conversations then were peppered with him frequently painting scenarios where i was required to think of him as a future boyfriend and him asking pointed questions such as which ladder (after a conversation where i told him bout the ladder theory) i had placed him on hence forcing me to really think bout it.

he is really good at reading people. and while i've always known that i'm not always the easiest person to read ('coz i tend to keep my own counsel), having him tell me that back then he never really could tell if i was actually interested in him made me realise that i must indeed be really quite difficult to read.

it's the self preservation defense mechanism kicking in i explained to him. i guess after dating around as much and as long (though really it's not that much or that long), you realise that you gotta play your cards close to your chest and try not to get too emotionally involved. or at least in my case, not let 'em know you're already emotionally involved.

we then discussed the things that transpired on the actual day that we got attached. how he had already previously decided that it was only a matter of when that he would officially ask me but where he himself didn't even know that it would be that day. i also called him out on the general space invader behavior on that particular day. he laughed saying that he purposely did that to get me comfy with the idea of being physically closer to him. i told him that the funny thing was that i actually felt like he was the one who needed to get comfy with the idea since with each space invader move, he'd then look a lil nervous. i figured that perhaps he's not used to it was 'coz he doesn't believe in physical contact with any girl who isn't his girlfriend.

it's fun to "dissect" it all and to realise that sometimes things do just happen. stars align or whatever and you somehow find yourself sitting on a bench taking shelter on one rainy night agreeing to couple up.

the weekend in point

the weekend that passed was certainly some sort of interesting. but a time spent with the "other woman" sometimes seeks to "drain" me or plant further questions in my head that it sometimes just gets tiring.

so since i seem to be lacking in the ability to construct full sentences and paragraphs on the time spent with her, i'll do this in point form:

• i've decided that she's kinda flaky. she suggested that we all have dinner together on saturday night before the play but at the last minute could not decide if she wanted to have dinner though in the end (as circumstances, which i have no desire to get into 'coz it's just long and boring, would have it) we did all have dinner together. another case in point being that she suggested that she and i meet up on monday but at the time when we were supposed to meet, she had just woken up. i decided not to rush to meet her and called it off.
• the play was pretty funny and i did enjoy myself
• i'm known to be pretty bubbly and energetic but she's so hyper that i realised that i tend to be quieter around her
• i did not appreciate it when she briefly leaned her head on the alpha boy, rested her hand on his hand/arm/knee or told him albeit somewhat jokingly, "i love you darling" when he helped her carry her heavy bag
• while i did not appreciate it, i had no idea what exactly to say
• i find myself really wishing she would get attached
• but much as i know that it's really hard for me to find someone (reasons being i've been told that i'm rather intimidating to most guys even though i'm seriously not trying to scare anyone), it's much harder for her 'coz she's rather fiesty and hard to deal with to boot
• but of 'coz she has like tons of guys interested in her and who would bend over backwards and do anything for her. anything.
• which then makes me wonder how come i never got that. ever.
• oh right maybe 'coz she's hot and an actress who used to model
• okay so maybe, just maybe, my esteem takes a wee bit of a hit with her
• but honestly she's nice and i do like her. and i'm not just saying that
• i'd like her a heck of a lot more if she were just more normal friends with the alpha boy

sunday was a much better day when the alpha boy came over to my place and it was just us chilling out watching a dvd, chatting, sorting our some of his work things and stuff. i could do with more of that.

this is how we celebrate

the alpha boy just passed his 26th birthday on monday and since last weekend it's been what i deemed a "series of celebrations", only that we didn't actually do a thing.

which i suppose can be nice i guess. we just hung out over the weekend by ourselves and then i was over at his place on sunday to have a chill out dinner with his parents where we then proceeded to just laze around alone watching a b grade movie (somehow dungeons and dragons wasn't that bad when it was with him). his actual birthday itself wound up to include his friend/colleague/business partner (who i know quite well anyway so it's not a problem) as some work thing was supposed to crop up (which in the end didn't). i had various plans to celebrate his birthday which in the end didn't happen as things kept changing. but i guess all in all it wasn't too bad.

there is another celebration which has been planned for tomorrow. the one including the "other woman". she decided to buy him a ticket for a play as his birthday present and extended the invitation for me to join them of which i accepted.

things are still a lil strange with her i suppose. she actually called me on monday to chat with me for half an hour though i presume it was 'coz the alpha boy was at a work training. i know that she still calls him a lot (like my guestimate is at least a few times a week) though they don't necessarily have long meaningful conversations (i'm putting a guestimate of 5-10 mins of conversation where normally she's talking).

i'm still not thrilled bout it. at all. the alpha boy knows it. we had another passing conversation bout it where we both agreed that she's just reliant on some of her close friends (all males with girlfriends mind you) and feels the need to talk all the time and simply just spreads out her need for attention amongst the 3 of them.

i'm still not sure if it will ever get better. not unless she finds a boyfriend for that purpose. or the alpha boy just tells her that she can't be calling ever so often. that doesn't look like it's gonna happen. and it also seems like i can't exactly do a damn thing bout it either. thankfully she's nice is what i remind myself.

i needed to hear just that

the alpha boy and i have never been unhappy together. this is why when bout 2.5 months ago, after 3.5 months of happiness, he confessed that sometimes he's had doubts bout us and handed me that maybe we're platonic angle bombshell, i was entirely taken aback.

since then that topic has never been brought up again. and while i think that we actually became even happier together, i guess a part of me never quite really knew if we had buried all that behind us.

yesterday the topic resurfaced again. but in a good way.

we were talking bout the other jo and her taking a break from her (now ex?) boyfriend in what seemed to be a relevant topic bout doubts when the alpha boy brought up his previous doubts bout me.

turns out he's never had those doubts again. he's just happy being with me.

i guess i sorta guessed. judging from the way he looks at me and tells me constantly that he loves me. i guess that usually pretty much means you're not having doubts right? but it was also really nice to hear it from him. a least now i don't have to almost naturally jump to that conclusion as a reason for some of his actions.