"the one"

Even when it came to first deciding on the sub-header of this blog (currently called the 'search' for 'the one'), I had always known that I didn't really believe in "the one". I had just used it, with quotation marks and all, because it was a convenient way of explaining my purpose of dating. I've mentioned before about how I don't believe in "the one" but in "the few" and how the alpha boy is one of the "few" for me.

So here's what I now think...

The alpha boy is still one of the "few" for me. Like I said, I truly believe that there are a few people in the world who, based on personality and character traits, would be suitable for one person. I've certainly met a (small) number of people who I believe would have been quite suitable for me. Some of them were already attached, some were geographically apart, others didn't fancy me back or maybe the timing just wasn't right and I also think that there must have been others who I just never even got the chance to cross paths with.

But what makes one of "the few" to be "the one"?

I think "the one" is really "the one who I eventually choose". Because we all have a choice. Sometimes our choices are right and sometimes they are wrong. But we have a choice and we usually make it even if the choice isn't to make one. But for those who do choose, you choose that person to be the one you will be with. You choose that person to be the one who you will accept. You choose that person to be the one who you will love.

But does that mean "the one" is perfect?

Of course not. Afterall no one is perfect. And frankly we are always going to be able to be completely annoyed by or find fault with someone else. But you make the choice and so you work at it... unless (or until) you eventually decide that you don't want to work at it or can't anymore. But that's something else entirely.

The alpha boy and I aren't perfect. We aren't even perfect together. But we do have certain life views that align. And despite having had some tough times where we almost thought we wouldn't make it, ultimately we realized that we do care enough to choose to work through our differences. Those differences aren't all resolved, they may never truly be. But we also chose to take the risk to give it a shot anyway. We are still 2 very different people. But also 2 different people who made the same choice, us.

Not a bridezilla

People like to ask me if I'm excited about the pending nuptials.

Honestly (and this might sound terrible), I don't really feel anything yet.

Sure it's a huge step to take and I don't deny it. But we've always been together for ages such that it's not altogether a surprising step to take either.

The thing is... I've never been a gushy schoolgirl type. In fact all my friends tell me that I'm such a man in a relationship and they probably aren't wrong. I've always known that eventually I would get married, but I was also never in a rush. I'm not opposed to having children, but I don't have a biological clock.

I'm a series of contradictions.

I plan events. And now that we're in the planning phase, it's really just been that... another event to plan. And sometimes I see why some people choose to just "elope" or not have any kind of proper celebration at all. Not that it's exhausting (I'm not nearly at that level yet) but because there is so many other nitty gritty things to do in addition to your regular life which keeps me busy enough as it is.

In general I know what I want and like in my own wedding but I haven't exactly been scrapbooking wedding ideas for 20 years, or any number of years for that matter. I much prefer to keep things as simple as possible.

And if you think I'm chilled out, the alpha boy is even more so. So far I have been nearly single-handedly doing all the preparation work. And with my spreadsheets of guests, checklists, schedules etc, I like to think that I still have it under control.

Word of mouth

I'm not one to broadcast anything too private in my life on social media. So it made sense that I wasn't going to announce my engagement to the "world" that way either. And I guess I still feel sort of shy to talk about it. In general, the last thing I want is too much attention on me.

So I've been choosing times to tell different groups of friends. I have a limited number of friends that I hang out pretty regularly so that was easy. The harder one was to tell my colleagues. The way my work goes is that I work with different groups of people from different countries at different times. For the most part, I like all of them but it doesn't really mean that I'm planning to invite everyone or am ready for everyone to be all up in my business.

I told my closer group of colleagues first. These are the office girls in my location who I lunch and hang out with. And then of course subsequently other colleagues saw my ring and realised.

My boss is based overseas so I waited till I got to see him in person (which was good timing since I usually only see him once or twice a year and typically towards the end of the year). I told my HR lady in person as well because I assumed that's what people do right? Tell HR?

And then I kept silent for a while. I wanted to be the one to tell "wayne rooney" myself but due to various different work commitments I had and I knew that he had, I wanted to make sure that we weren't smack in the middle of a  mad season. I chose my time. I suppose in some weird way I also waited to tell him because I didn't really know what/how to say. Our past chemistry / attraction probably didn't help make things easier. But because I will always have a soft spot for him in my heart, I wanted to invite him, even though it meant that he had to fly over.

So I just told him. And he said that he had already heard about it though he didn't know from who or where.

Well that kind of spoiled things especially I wanted him to hear it from me. Oh well.

I can't help but wonder who else has heard through the office grapevine. It's amazing how its reach is far and wide and spanning across countries.

Where do we go from here?

When I first started out in this little blog space way back in February 2006, it was solely to chronicle my "search" for "the one". I kept discussions limited to being about guys and dating and I preserved my anonymity the entire time because that was the only way I knew I could be totally open and honest.

And though circumstances has since changed (pretty radically) from almost 10 years ago and I'm no longer in the same phase anymore, I have been reluctant to give this up. I have been toying with the idea of "coming back" though I'm not quite sure what to come back to or create.

Certainly it wouldn't be about dating different guys anymore. But I'm also reluctant to divulge too many details of my own personal life with the alpha boy either. And let's face it, horror dating stories make for so much better content fodder.

So what happens next?

I don't know but I'm curious to find out.

Life goes on...

Yes I know that I have practically abandoned this little blog. But much like an old friend who you may not have much contact with because of differing life paths yet there's always a special place in your heart for that friend, this little safe haven is always close to my heart. And recently I found myself suddenly remembering it again.

This year I have seen a sudden surge in attachments / engagements / weddings / pregnancies among some of my friends in their mid-late 30s / early 40s. There are still some who remain single but those are diminishing. It's good to know that there's still "hope" for the not-quite-so-young-anymore female. It's true what they say about 30s being the new 20s.

There's still the occasional conversation about guys when various girl friends get together but that has mostly given way to talking about wedding plans and pregnancy processes, house hunting and mortgages, nice dinners out and chill out drinks at home.

Almost all the boys who made it to the right sidebar, who once upon a time were a point of interest for me to talk about, are now forgotten. Even as I browse through some of the (nick)names and stories, there are many who I can't even remember their real names anymore. Not surprising since I am no longer in contact with them. Out of everyone, only "wayne rooney" and the best friend remain in my life. I no longer think that either of them has any real potential, haven't for a while now. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for "wayne rooney", it's hard not to when we have as much natural rapport and chemistry as we do. But I also know that even though he's a truly great guy, he will also always be too oblivious to be sensitive to another person's needs. The best friend on the contrary comes out top in being thoughtful and delights in giving little surprises. But he is totally immature and (possibly therefore) financially unstable. Anyhow he has now found himself a new girlfriend and I think this will work out perfectly because she's a nice simple girl, a waitress from a foreign Asian country.

Life has changed, to say the least. And it will only continue to change as I grow up and embark in a different phase of life.

In the last 2 years since I "disappeared", the alpha boy and I have been actively trying to work things out. I was probably more honest than ever before about things that I wasn't happy about and also learnt to be more communicative which as a more private / repressive person, wasn't something I naturally possessed. But it's been good and I'm happy that we are in a much better place than ever before.

And now I'm joining the ranks of people who have decided to settle down. Wow, that just sounds so adult! But the dating (psuedo or otherwise) is over folks... I'm engaged.

No, I'm not really back...

... But every now and then I do take a walk down memory lane and even if this little blog is no longer part of my present, it's been very much an integral part of my past. I've spent plenty of time (way too much!) here sharing my thoughts, feelings and happenings and reading the same of other people I've "gotten to know" along the way. And it's still a home that I hold dear to my heart.

So why now? And why write again? And ultimately the question, what has changed since?

There must have been something that drew me back. There always was. I've come back occasionally from time to time in the last almost 1.5 years that I've remained silent, and almost always to read old entries and be reminded of a particular situation that I knew would have been documented here.

But somehow it is only now that I ever felt the need to write here again... Even if only for now.

I've since taken to penning down long excessive emails to a few selected friends, sharing my life and fulfilling a certain need to think and express myself in the written word. But the truth is, my life has gotten a lot less interesting, the way it seems to be as you grow older. Here was always a place where I only discussed my dating life and specifically kept the other aspects of my life separate. And I guess as time passed, the other aspects of my real life seemed to happen more frequently than any exciting escapades.

So where then are we all now?

My previously constant partner-in-crime, my (now ex) party girl moved back again after having left the country for 2 years. But we've stopped partying for much longer than that and have since moved onto dinner, casual drinks and early nights.

As expected, most of the guys featured here are long gone and out of contact with my only source of any information on their life being from Facebook, if at all.

I am however still working with "wayne rooney" and the last I saw him in March, we are still as "close" as ever. But we also still remain based in different country offices.

And 4 years on, the alpha boy and I are still together. There have been ups and downs and right now I'm not even quite sure if I'm on the way up or down. But well, somehow we are still hanging on and trying to make this work.

I've met a few new guys especially in the last year through work and church (as I tried to get more in touch with my spiritual side) but all truly platonic and whom I'm thankful that they have become guys that I think I could really call as friends. The most interesting thing on the guy front to have happened to me this week was having a guy tell me about how he was telling someone else that girls like me are not all that common and that  lucky he's leaving (the country) or he would probably have been chasing me. And the compliment was all that more sweet because he seemed like a genuine, decent, funny and even quite attractive bloke. Though I'm not all that sure how complimentary it is that he felt thankful that he was leaving the country haha!

Essentially I'm at the point in my life where partying, excessive drinking and making out with random guys are not just my past, but no longer of any interest to me... at all. And it's pretty much the same for my friends too. What has now occupied our time have been proper dinner catch ups and mini vacations. Our conversations have progressed from parties and the latest guy we met (though both still have their place) to career, financial planning and purchasing a home. Some of us embraced our singlehood, others our coupledom and for others both at one point or another. But we've all grown up and moved on... Together.

the reason i write is...

… not really for everyone else to read, though there is a certain comfort in knowing that someone out there understands or is going through something similar. but the real reason i write is to document a portion of my life.

many things happen in life and sometimes it’s not the big decisions that you wind up making but the little things that occur along the way. different little things that seem significant enough to write bout at that time but in the end of it all may not have meant much.

my little space here doesn’t always tell the full story, it merely outlines that moment in time. my thoughts, my feelings. captured at that one moment in time. almost like confiding in a close friend who passes no judgement... you get to be irrational, impulsive, inane.

uninhibited

words that have been used to describe me

i've always been considered sporty. it's funny 'coz i'm naturally lean and even if i didn't do a single exercise at all, i'd probably be just bout as lean.

but i do exercise. up until a few years ago (and my "excuse" now is leg injuries) i was an avid runner. i ran everything from 10Ks to marathons. the craziest thing was that i was never that active in school. but nowadays i'm more familiar with spinning classes and pilates.

and the gym was what we talked bout recently when i was catching up with my post grad friends. but it was not the only thing we talked bout. apparently one of the guys admitted that back when he first met me, he wouldn't have thought it entirely impossible if i were lesbian. even though there is absolutely no indication that i would be.

so apparently i am sporty and also possibly lesbian.

that got me thinking. what bout sexy?

now that has never been a word to describe me. ever. i just don't have it. that certain sexiness that some girls just effortlessly have.

i wish i did. it would be nice to be considered sexy for a change.

what happens if i say right now i don't?

other than that time (years ago) where my parents actually volunteered to pay for me sign up with a religious matchmaking agency, they haven't actually been all up in my grill bout the whole marriage thing. sometimes i think maybe they (and the rest of my extended family) just forget how old i actually am.

they must have suddenly remembered it now 'coz lately that's all they've been talking bout.

i'm being reminded bout how i've been seeing the same guy for 2 years, how i'm 31 this year and that frankly, girls are at the losing end of the "age battle".

i know all of this. but somehow i'm just not ready for happily ever after. strangely scarily enough, it's almost as though i've convinced my mind to think that i am actually 25 (just 'coz i happen to look 25).

sometimes i wonder if it's me. i mean the alpha boy is 3 years younger and has been aluding heavily and even downright expressly articulating bout us getting married. and yet while it's nice to know that someone wants to marry me, it freaks me out like none other 'coz i really don't think i'm ready.

the parentals know this. after all the pressure from them bout how i should think bout getting married, i felt it was only right that i let 'em know that right now, that's not in the cards for me. i just feel like there's too many other things i need to settle in my life first before embarking on such a life changing decision. my mom mentioned bout how you can do both. and i suppose that's also true...

i guess i'm just left wondering if it's me... am i just not ready and balk at the thought of marriage... to anyone. or is it the alpha boy? is he not the one i want to marry?

oh to be 30, (not so) flirty and thriving

being born in the later half of the year usually means that i get a good part of the year to get used to turning another year older before i actually technically reach that age.

turning 30 last year was fairly "difficult" as i had to come to terms with leaving my 20s and reaching the big 3. however the strangest thing is that now that i'm just bout nearly 30 and a half, i'm actually starting to feel pretty good being in my 30s.

don't get me wrong, there is a definite benefit of youth and the first one that comes to mind is a far less achey body haha! perhaps it's just that possibly a large part of my 20s was spent over analyzing, wondering and doing some crazy things that i would have thought is uncharacteristic of me which ultimately turned out to be tiring, unproductive and pointless. but now, i feel so much more stable, less "flighty" and more career-minded. it's almost as though i'm (eeks!) maturing!

i still have a ways to go though. i'm not nearly where i want to reach in my life but somehow i just feel more focussed, less distracted and less interested to do the crazy song and dance merry-go-round of my 20s. and now i can actually "snigger" at the antics of the young 'uns and think bout how surely i wasn't ever that young right?

yeah i think that it'll be a good decade... or maybe half a decade until i turn 35 and have to mentally cross another barrier and physically tick another age checkbox...

somewhere between dreams and destiny

when drummer boy and i do get a chance to have an engaging conversation (and by that i really mean via IM), we do actually have a good time. perhaps it was the aftermath of having run into him after 2 years but recently i had a dream bout him.

it was a strange and hilarious dream. i don't even remember it all too clearly except that he was living on a boat or something like that and was a father of 3 kids with (no, not me!) his current girlfriend.

something as ludicrious as this meant that i had to tell him. and so i did. with us having a bit of a laugh. and admittedly with him initially thinking that he had those kids with me. ha! he wished!

so we had the ball rolling and the makings of a pretty good conversation going. it then turned into a topic of tarot card reading as an extension of what the bookstore was hosting that day i saw him.

i'm unsure bout these things. i know some friends who regularly gets a reading from some really spot on readers. in fact i myself have gotten a free reading nearly 3 years ago. the scary thing is that a fair bit of what the tarot card reader said to me then actually came true or at least seems to be coming true. both for love and my career.

in a rare moment of honesty (and probably 'coz i don't feel a thing now), i actually 'fessed up to drummer boy that the tarot card reader had told me bout him before he came into my life. yes, he was the guy i would meet and have that exciting relationship with but i would not be able to fully commit to.

but here's the scary thing... the tarot card reader also told me then that she sees my true love coming in a few years and he wouldn't be local. in fact she paused and pondered for a bit after saying that and then confirming again that she's pretty sure he wouldn't be local. i met the alpha boy at the end of that year. and he's local.

drummer boy said that sometimes the reading "expires" so to speak. and honestly i'm too rational and know too well to let such things control my life. but yet, it's something that i can't help but feel is hanging over my head. especially when a recent conversation with my mom (who has nothing against the alpha boy per se) had her mention that someone with my personality and type would have been better off with a non local guy who was open-minded, adventurous and seen the world. and when sometimes i actually agree with her.

go figure this whole things freaks me out a bit.

i ramble 'coz there are some things i'm not even sure how to put into words

before i finally got attached, i was single for over 28 and a half years. i've dated a bit here and there since i was 17 with my dating history being slightly more here than there only after i turned 25.

so the thing is this, i've pretty much known what it's like to be perpetually single. the single mindset? that's easy for me to get into. i know the scene, the fun and the frustrations so well. now, i love being in a relationship in the whole warm, fuzzy, there's-someone-who-i-trust-and-can-lean-on kinda way but admittedly it's been hard on my other friendships.

i have friends. but i don't have heaps of friends. i never had. and since my best friend moved away years ago, it hasn't ever really been the same. but then i got close to my (now ex) party girl and it's been that way for the last 6 years. except that now she too is moving away.

i've met some other friends along the way, including the ones who i hang out with my (now ex) party girl like the yummy mommy and the ungirly hottie as well as others outside that circle. but increasingly i'm beginning to feel less a part of them.

my inability to spend every weekend with them anymore certainly must have played a part. i make it a point to get together with them as and when i can and ask them out as well but i just don't get asked out by them as often as i used to.

it's been bothering me. no doubt bout that. these sort of things have always bothered me. though in my rational mind, i kinda know that this is just how life is. besides i've always known that i didn't really want my life to turn out like theirs. not that there's anything wrong with being single in your late 30s but i've always just wanted my happily ever after with someone special. and while we should maintain our own friendships, nurturing a current romantic relationship kinda does take precedence.

i think it's just hard 'coz i have too many friends made primarily in the party scene. they are still basically in the same place in life as when i first met them. but i feel like i'm in a different place now. and yet the place where they are in is one that i'm all too familiar with. it's weird.

honey, you're the one (of the "few") for me

every now and then i get various people (my best friend, my friend, the alpha boy's friend) asking me if i think that the alpha boy is the one. and every time i can never give them an actual answer.

i mean seriously who knows? it doesn't mean that i'm unhappy with the alpha boy or that i want to date someone else 'coz that is so far from that. maybe i haven't been with him long enough? though a great number of people have gotten married in less than the amount of time i've been with him. or maybe it's 'coz i'm not entirely convinced bout the term "the one".

as kids, we've always talked bout "the one". the romeo to your juliet, only far less tragic. the clyde to your bonnie, only far less criminal. the ben to your jerry...

the point is, we are looking for someone to, as jerry maguire says, "complete me". someone who would make you look back on your sometimes too darn crazy single days (the good and the bad kinda crazy) and think dang you sure wouldn't wanna be back there again.

for the longest while, i too was swept away by the romantic notion of "the one". but as time passed, i started looking at it from a more logical point of view.

i don't really believe in the "one", i believe in the "few".

i realise that this suddenly makes it sound like i'm either into polygamy or lack the capacity for a committed relationship but neither is the case. i just think that if you think bout it, the "one" doesn't really make sense. all it takes is for one person to mess up and choose someone who wasn't the "one" for him/her (and you know that that is bound to happen) and a whole bunch of other people could be coupled with non "ones" or simply be forced to stay single.

when i say that i believe in the "few", i mean that i think that there are a few people who, based on personality and character traits, would be suitable for one person. and then it's simply a matter of free will, opportunity, geographical location and other real life reasons that make or break relationships.

this does not make it any easier to find someone.

but it does make the alpha boy one of the "few" for me.

but really what do i know?

a few years ago some guy friends joked that i could write a book bout dating. something to provide guys with a female perspective and give them some information on how to date.

it's funny 'coz i don't think that i have a lot of dating experience. yes, i have dated some. and yes, i have been exposed to the party lifestyle (those guy friends haven't) which have allowed me to see and experience some less conventional dating styles. but that's bout it... some personal paltry psuedo dating experiences with mainly men who weren't even worth it.

but perhaps it's exactly that that makes me want the good guys to win. it's almost like i sometimes feel the need to try and help these good guys (who mostly seem to come across as pretty shy) to step up, level the playing field and beat the players out there whose expertise seem to run only to breaking girls' hearts.

there are guys like shy (now ex) colleague (who i have always nicknamed as my angel boy), who is a lovely guy but seemed to be getting the short end of the stick from a girl he's pseudo dated. i think girls need more guys like him, sweet and sincere. but at the same time my advice to him was not to take this crap. i mean obviously you gotta be nice to the girl you're interested in but not in that bend-over-backwards way that i've seen some guys do. sure, you might eventually get the girl after prolonged periods of being her doormat, but how is that sustainable? he needed to be confident, to know his worth and believe that a girl who didn't see him as a catch just wasn't worth the trouble anyway.

it was the same advice i found myself recently giving to another ex colleague. he's a 22 year old ex intern who has strangely always reminded me a lil of my angel boy. maybe it's in the youth (my angel boy is just a year older than he is), maybe it's just something in their personality. but they are both good guys. good guys that i seem to have a bit of a soft spot for and want to see winning the girl.

after our IM chat, the ex intern echoed the same sentiments as my guy friends did years ago and told me that i could write a book on this.

and i'm the girl who only recently just got a boyfriend. i think it's safe to say that i'm not qualified for this.

like an ostrich with my head in the sand

we all have our pasts. and while i'm essentially a level-headed, considerable virtuous and a totally late bloomer type of girl, i am somewhat ashamed to admit that i do have some sort of a past.

it was as a result of the partying lifestyle that i adopted since 2005 till the end of last year. where i found myself randomly kissing strangers and friends amongst other things. it seemed like i was always seeking a new high and felt like i was leading a somewhat self-destructive life 'coz when i thought bout it, i always knew that this wasn't what i really wanted for myself.

i did some things which i'm not proud of and some other things which i can't ever talk bout 'coz it was too wrong for my own conscience to even wrap around.

i always knew that i wouldn't ever really divulge this time of my life to whoever my partner would wind up to be. honestly i doubt that he would really want to know anyway. i remember a conversation the alpha boy and i once had when we were then just friends. he was curious as to how many guys i had kissed. the number of girls he's kissed was a very modest less than a handful (despite getting a much much much earlier headstart than i did). and while i admitted that mine was more than twice his, i didn't dare to admit to just how much more.

we don't talk bout this. but he knows that i've certainly had some colorful moments. he just doesn't know how colorful some of them might have been. though honestly it's nowhere as exciting as most others, it's just that in comparison to him and what my true prudish nature is like, it just seems like a big deal.

the alpha boy can't ever know some of these things. ever. i worry that if he does, it will forever change his impression of me and that would be something i want to avoid. in any case, those times weren't really a reflection of the real me.

so i just like to pretend that all that never happened.

this is the part where i realise i have turned into a boring old lady

halloween weekend meant that i saw many exciting pictures posted on the online social utility site loudly proclaiming all the fun that everyone else was having and loudly proclaiming in my mind to remind me all the fun i wasn't having.

i used to be the fun girl. i partied it up weekly and drank copiously. i laughed, i danced, i had heaps of fun. nevermind that occasionally i would come back down realising that it wasn't all that fun and exciting afterall.

i've always had my moments where all the partying would take its toll on me and i would feel the urge to run away from it all. and i've never felt more like this than since this year. it didn't help that i got attached and partying without your significant other loses it's fun when half the time you have to be careful not to drink too much and accidentally engage in some random making out. it also makes matters worst when my party girl is now very much a stay home girl. she works long hours and is pretty tired out and lately it's been even harder to get her to head out for dinner much less to party.

my new party BFF is still partying it up with the others in the group but frankly, i've never actually been all that close to them and i highly suspect that my new party BFF no longer keeps me in the party loop simply 'coz she assumes i will have plans with the alpha boy.

all this just makes me realise that honestly i don't have a whole lot of friends. i mean if i wanted to party, i could probably still round up a few enthusiastic party girls. but if i'm looking for dinner and perhaps some chill out drinks with someone i can just talk to and share with, i'm kinda batting at zero.

my best friend is located far far away and my party girl will soon be moving to far far far away next year. i have a few other friends here and there who i do make time to catch up with but it's not a regular thing. which basically leaves me with practically no friends left.

maybe it's another phase of life. and much as i've always told myself that i won't forget my friends even when i'm attached, i never quite bargained that my so-called friends would be the ones to forget me instead.

i guess i just can't quite help but sometimes feel like i'm alone.

today is the first day of the rest of my life...

... or maybe just for the next 30 days.

yesterday i was just browsing through amazon's website looking for interesting books to read when i suddenly chanced upon this book called "become your own matchmaker: 8 easy steps for attracting your perfect mate".

after reading the excerpt i think i've decided to embark on a dating detox for 30 days. i thought bout when exactly to start. afterall i'm leaving tomorrow for a short beach holiday with my new party BFF, ms cool cat and 3 other girlfriends i got to know through 'em. and you know how these beach holidays go... when there are 6 single girls and plenty of partying and alcohol... i wasn't entirely sure if i could detox under those circumstances 'coz those circumstances just looked like ingredients for a random makeout receipe.

but that said, it's a holiday with the girls. it's a getaway, spending time with friends, doing something that will make me happy. if that's not bout me (as opposed to bout guys), then i don't know what is.

hence it will start today. the dating detox. and it will end on 22nd april.

and here are my own rules:

1. it will be bout me and finding myself
2. i will do things that makes me happy
3. i will try new things
4. i will spend more time developing better friendships
5. i will change my attitude bout guys
6. i will stop dwelling on the past failed "relationships"
7. i will not be bitter
8. i will be hopeful
9. i will be careful when it comes to guys who have already made it to my heart
10. i'm allowed to party with my friends and i'm even allowed to talk to guys i meet in the clubs and exchange numbers but i'm not allowed to have random makeouts
11. i will not ask a guy out but i'm allowed to respond to messages
12. if a guy i'm interested in going out with asks me out, i will tell him that i'm on a dating sabbatical and take reservations for when i'm detoxed
13. i will not worry that i will lose a good guy 'coz i happen to be taking 30 days off from dating
14. i will know that a good guy will wait for me if he thinks i'm worth it
15. i will remind myself that i'm worth it

and when i disembark from my dating detox, i'm hoping to come out more confident and upbeat and ready to face the dating world again with hope.

is it my turn yet??

i think that if i'm completely honest with myself, i'd admit that i'm barely holding it together. i'm a complete mess, falling apart and my self esteem is taking a nose dive.

maybe in part it's what the alpha game player said to me. yes, even though he's hardly mentioned, we are still in contact and do have lil quick impromptu meetings. i'm pretty sure he's not interested and i'm pretty sure i'm not interested either. but somehow he says these things that can have the latent ability to affect me. i can't even always remember what he says exactly. i mean he could pass remarks like how i'm hot like fire but we gotta go shopping. or like how i only attract a very select few men but with my "method" (which btw there is no "method"), i would lose guys.

see, i already know that with my type of quirkiness, it's not easy to find guys who will like that. all the years of singledom is testiment to that. but this just makes me feel even worse. and i wonder if maybe i should play the game or market myself better or make my interest more known. but the thing is that i just don't know how to do it. i've pretty much always just been me. and it makes me think that being me isn't good enough.

and if this isn't enough to make me feel like such a failure, there's other things in my life to remind me of that. it's tough. i mean seriously. i feel like i'm suffering in despair. and it's taking all the effort in the world to keep carrying on.

and of 'coz i'm still juggling between my latent feelings for drummer boy as well as my current feelings for the swedish guy. both of whom aren't giving me the time of day. and honestly i just don't get it. i mean i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. why don't i deserve a happy ending for once??

oh happy day

happy new year and all that jazz.

it seems like the past few days (or maybe weeks?) have been spent partying. on new year's eve i met up with my party girl, the yummy mommy and bunch of other girls (some i knew and some i got to know). it was a pretty fun time. as long as i don't have to spend it alone (and family doesn't count though fam time is awesome and all), it's all good.

last night i went out partying with essentially the same bunch of girls again. and again, it was a pretty fun time.

don't get me wrong, i guess i do have my fun when i'm boozing (in somewhat moderation) and dancing (in no real moderation). but it would have been a lot more fun if i had my mojo.

yes, my mojo has left me once again. left me quite badly i must say. all my girls were getting hit on left and right and i was the only one who no one hit on. it felt like being left on the shelf. i should know shouldn't i?

dammit why do i have to have such hot girl friends? it's not that i think i'm unattractive. it's more like recently i've been feeling unattractive. maybe it's a vicious cycle. mojo leaves me, i feel unattractive, hence i lack confidence (or whatever), guys avoid me like the plague, it validates my feelings of unattractiveness... lather, rinse, repeat. not that i should be validated by guys, but you know what i mean...

i'm trying to get outta this sick cycle carousel. i promise that normally i'm a lil more well adjusted than this. really.

but i just can't help feeling the way i do at the moment. when everything seems to be in the dumps. when i'm fighting against a welling sense of panic and desperation. when i can't even seem to get the attention of anyone these days. when the past seems to haunt me more than i dare to admit. seriously it's not even funny.

so yes, i'm sad. there i said it. i'm just plain sad. and i can't quite admit it to anyone else except here. no, to everyone else, i put on my happy face. game face on right?

what can i do?

i was having a brief IM chat with my family friend when he invited me over to his place on sunday for one of his usual group gatherings. incidentally it was in one of those group gatherings where i first got to know my family friend's setup. since i'm more of a backup then the lead, i haven't hung out with this group in at least over a year.

i guess any anticipation on meeting my family friend's setup again was quickly squashed upon hearing this...

family friend: but *insert my family friend's setup's name* and *insert a girl's name* will be there fyi
family friend: i don't think its an issue, but just to let you know

i saw that IM too late and by that time my family friend had already logged off. and i thought it would seem too eager if i texted him asking who was that girl? 'coz i don't know who she is. and i'm dying to know who she is. 'coz the way my family friend put it, it seemed like she was my family friend's setup's girlfriend or something.

i'm not sure how to feel. but i would also be lying if i said that i didn't feel a thing.

my family friend's setup was the first guy in a long while who made me think that there was real potential. in fact he's probably the second guy to ever really make it to my heart. and in some ways he's left his mark there. so yes, i feel strange at the possibility of him having a girlfriend.

but of 'coz i gotta get real right? i mean it's obvious that he was never really into me. we were probably always just friends... and not even really good ones at that. but i guess it still sucks.

recently ecrivain's post where she said "had this sense of being left behind, you know? like, everyone else is pairing off and there i am, left off of noah's ark, waiting for the flood to wipe me out completely." has left me thinking and realising that that is exactly how i feel.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this way and everyone would probably tell me that i'm awesome and it just takes some time but i'll be able find someone... but honestly geez why does it have to take that long?? and frankly sometimes i'm almost convinced that there must be something wrong with me.

it seems like i just don't seem to be able to find any guy who really does like me. most just fizzle away quickly. and the ones i do like never seem to like me back or at least not even close to being in the same measure of my liking 'em. and it's not like guys are knocking down the doors to ask me out. i just seem to lead a really solitary life.

and sometimes it's just really frustrating.

i wanna try again but i fear that maybe a part of me still isn't ready to try again yet. at least judging from the way my recent foray back into online dating is going. i'm bored with the choices out there in the virtual world and frankly i don't even get many hits anyway.

but i also miss the feeling of possibility... the way my heart feels when it... feels... even if i'm scared that it will just all come crashing down. i also miss making out... but yet while it can be fun sometimes, i'm a lil tired of the random tipsy makeout.

should i fake it till i make it? or should i just give up at least for now ('coz fully giving up makes me think that i would really wind up walking the earth alone and that scares me) till i feel i'm more ready or whatever?

i don't even know what to do anymore.

****

the "booty caller" has struck again. he asked me over IM if i wanted to meet up tonight. the plan was to head to the beach (seriously i have no idea what's his fixation with the beach) and the implied plan was to make out.

the thing is that both of us had our own dinner plans. so the plan obviously didn't include dinner. and since he doesn't drink, i don't suppose it includes drinks either. so i can't help but feel a lil "used" when it seems like he doesn't intend to buy me dinner or drinks or even attempt to get to know me and yet i'm supposed to make out with him. i mean maybe that might actually fly if i were already tipsy or he's an absolute hottie, but i'm not and he's not.

however i am missing making out and after 3 months of no action whatsoever, i'm starting to think that i'm waay outta practice... and yet tempting as it may be to break this drought, i'm not sure if the "booty caller" is the right person for the job.

and neither is the guy who was looking for "chats of a naughty nature". he just told me over IM that he was offering his services to me should i feel any urges.

er... thanks?

****

it's been bout 4 months since we met randomly and the med student and i have still been continuing to IM ever so often. we've never met again (though yesterday we were both in the same relatively large bookstore at the same time) but strangely i can't help but still feel a certain connection with him.

maybe it's 'coz we have a fair amount of similarities... and there's definitely still a certain attraction (at least on my part). if he wasn't attached, i would be even more tempted to give it a try with him... not that he's really asking of 'coz...

but i have to say that as i think of guys that i'm attracted to, i'm reminded of what i do want in a guy. and while for the most part i do think that my standards are achievable, i sometimes wonder if there is anyone out there for me...