On the same separate path...

Maybe we live oddly parallel lives...

Over 6.5 years ago, just when I was starting my first proper relationship with the alpha boy, he had also started dating his first girlfriend. At that time we were still in some kind of very very brief contact via IM and he had volunteered his girlfriend's name.

As years passed, we stopped contacting altogether though remained Facebook friends. Not that I stalked and not that he posted much, but I got the sense that at some point things ended with that first girlfriend. I never knew if he was seeing someone else new... until now.

Recently I saw a post that he was tagged in that confirmed it all. It was for a marriage preparation course.

She's almost as tall and as largely built as him (which would be pretty tall and large for a girl), fairly plain but looks like a nice girl. I'm sure she must be a really nice girl. And more than that, she's a very lucky girl. Because someone is a truly great guy.

We may not have been in contact for a long time and even when we were, we may not have been close at all. And the boat may have sailed even before it ever docked. But I think there will always be a special place in my heart for him. A different kind of special place. Where it comes from a first "love", an unrequited "love". Where it comes from the way he's always inspired me to be a better person without ever realising that he has. Where it comes from his big natural heart-warming smile, zest for life in all its fun and seriousness.

But while I used to see how we could actually be good together, I've since realised that I wouldn't be good for him. I was too messed up for his togetherness. And we just figured life out on our own. Separately.

And 6.5 years later, we are both taking the next big step in our lives. Marriage. To different people.

this is how the universe must be playing it's little april fool's joke on me

when i was younger i used to have this little april fool's joke that i would play on my best friend. it was the same every year. not so much an actual prank or joke but a pathetic joke between us. every year i would tell her that someone professed his interest in me. we all knew that it couldn't be true. afterall if it didn't happen for 10 years, it's likely to ever happen. and yet, it was our own little joke.

so this morning i was wondering if i should pull the same "joke". maybe i'm too old for this. the joke isn't even valid anymore since both of us have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years... to different people. as i walked into the office thinking maybe i was indeed too old for april fool's jokes anyway, i was at the receiving end of not one but two jokes from the universe.

i checked my online social utility site only to find a personal message from dj guy asking me how i have been. and barely before i got over that shock, i received an IM from my family friend's setup (who i last shared an IM conversation a few months ago but who i last saw 2.5 years ago when we went for an art exhibition together) essentially asking if i wanted to go for that same art exhibition we went to last which comes round every 2 years.

amazing. 2 guys who at one point in my life, i really liked and made it to my heart. but whose heart i ultimately never managed to capture.

yes, the universe has it's own lil way of playing a joke on me.

now i just need the swedish guy to contact me too. third one would definitely be a charm.

some things are new, but some things are the same old...

i'm rarely ever ready for new years. my first thoughts aren't towards the "oh yay it's a brand new year of possibilities" or the "this year is going to be even better" kind of varieties. not that i'm being pessimistic and don't think these things. but for the most part, my first thought is always how on earth did time fly so fast? and then i think of my ever increasing age and experience a slight "panic".

but yes, happy new year to everyone.

so far the new year hasn't been that bad.

the alpha boy came over on new year's eve where he cooked burgers and we watched decidedly unromantic dvds like conan the barbarian (of which i was stunned to find that there was nudity). new year's day itself, somehow we both woke up so early that we decided to go for a pancakes breakfast before heading back to nap.

while that was nice and all, i'm still a girl who needs to go out and be social (vs the alpha boy who shuns any social thing like the plague). and i decided that this girl needed to get out. so i met up with the ungirly hottie and a few other girlfriends for dinner at one of the girl's place. she cooked, we ate, we watched reality tv and then decided to head out for a drink at a lovely cafe/bar type place. except that we all drank tea or coffee. too funny. but it was an awesome time.

the second day of the new year rolled in and i made plans to have lunch with a good friend from post-grad school, her husband and some of his friends who i've met before. it was great. and to top it off, at the last minute, the alpha boy came over for dinner.

with all of this happening, i almost forgot... today is someone's birthday... almost, but not quite.

your picture speaks a thousand words to me

he posted some pictures on his online social utility site page.

pictures showing what happened after he went to support his girlfriend's dance performance. pictures showing them beaming happily together. pictures showing him spontaneously carrying her.

maybe it was his all too familiar and heart-warming smile. maybe it was the light hearted, fun-loving side that i feel is lacking in my current relationship. or maybe 'coz it's him... those pictures somehow caused a dull ache in my heart and seeked to remind me bout how someone will probably always have a special place in my heart and that a part of me would probably always still be "in love" with him.

that must be what happens when he's the first person you "loved" and the longest, nevermind that you never actually even dated him.

sue me, i "stalked"

technology is an amazing thing. oh the things you can do and find out...

there i was being all "bothered" bout someone being attached. and there he was, his online status on IM all too apparent in my list of friends. with an IM nickname saying "very much attached!", he was practically begging me to ask him more bout it. and so i did.

we didn't have a long conversation but in that short time, he graciously volunteered his girlfriend's name without me even asking. and we all know that you can go so far with just a name. a relatively rare name in fact. one that i've actually seen appear in his online social utility site page.

so upside is that i'm better looking than her. however downside is that i'm better looking than her. but yeah i'm sure she's a lovely person. i mean someone is one of those really great guys... really really great guys. so she must be pretty awesome herself to have gotten him. and whoever is with him is one really lucky girl... one really really lucky girl... that incidentally isn't me.

yeah yeah i know i'm already off the market... but well you know... oh well i'll get over this... eventually...

you know that you really have to move on when you find out that he already has...

we all have that someone in our lives... that someone who we consider our woulda coulda shoulda. that someone who may or may not have been our first loves and may or may not have ever been with but nonetheless the one person we think bout every now and then.

i've known my someone for over 12 years. and for practically the entire time, i've irrationally liked him. when we first met, i thought that maybe he could have been slightly interested. but nothing happened. i made excuses but it wasn't till a long time after that that i finally admitted to myself that it's blatantly obvious that he's never really liked me. afterall he never quite made an effort to keep in touch and any time we actually did see each other, was mainly orchestrated by me. but for some reason it was practically impossible to move on entirely. somehow i always just "loved" him, was "in love" with him and saw all the ways why we would be good together.

of 'coz i dated here and there in these 12 years. and at times i even let in some guys into my heart. i "loved" some of them, was "in love" with some of them but never quite saw the ways that i would be good together with some of them and was never quite "in love" with 'em for as long. someone still dominated the larger part of my heart. and knowing that he was still single the entire time somehow gave me some false hope and happiness.

then enter the alpha boy and our relationship. and while i "love" him and am committed to him and in making it work... honestly? i always knew that a part of me was still hung up on someone.

i always dreaded this day... the day when i find out that someone is no longer available for my forever fantasy. a lil status update on his online social utility site page burst that bubble. i can't lie and say that i'm not affected. maybe it's hypocritical of me to have wanted him to be single even while i wasn't. but i'm affected all the same. it almost feels like a part of my heart is breaking.

i wonder if i will ever really truly truly get over him. or is it just one of those things that i will have to live with for the rest of my life. never quite relinquishing that special place he has in my heart. i have this strange feeling that a part of me will always be "in love" with him...

a massacre party

it turned out to be a great valentine's day. one of the very best i've ever had.

my party girl, the yummy mommy and a few other girl friends went to the valentine's day massacre party at a club. it was really fun.

when we walked in, they gave us all a pair of handcuffs and said that in order to get the free beers, we had to be handcuffed to somebody. so they weren't exactly the fluffy handcuffs that i like but i was still massively excited by 'em haha! we wound up having a good time handcuffing ourselves to each other in some strange 5-way.

since we were early, there was also a free tarot card reading. not that i really believe this stuff but damn she was pretty spot on.

i could ask 2 questions... so i asked bout love and career.

she told me that for love, even though my numbers (based on my birthday, i'm a number 6) said that i was romantic and even sexual (or was it sensual? haha!), my tarot cards showed that i was pretty happy being single and that the environment around me made it difficult to find love. which is true 'coz i always say i have lack of opportunity. and she told me that if i have been in love before, that i should truly move on and put it behind me. i don't know if i have been in love before, but when she said that i thought bout someone. but she said that this year i would have an exciting relationship though i may not want to fully commit. she sees my true love coming in a few years time and she said that he wouldn't be local haha!

and bout career, well there's no real place for those details here...

in general she said that my numbers showed that this year will be a year of crossroads and a lot of decisions to be made.

besides the rather interesting tarot card reading, i also had a good time dancing and having fun.

there was this guy who kept hanging around me, even giving me a pink heart-shaped balloon. he asked for my number and called me later to see if i had reached home and also asked for my IM address. he seemed nice. rather youngful looking for someone a year older than i am. but at the same time he just seemed boring.

on the other hand there was this other guy... a total player. he must have hit on at least 6 girls that night alone. but he was also fun to just play around with. he tried to kiss me a couple of times. he only succeeded once on the lips when he caught me off guard. but seriously, he was just too hilarious to even take seriously at all.

but all in all it was a really good valentine's day night out.

some sort of a new year's resolution

so as i finished the last of my exams yesterday (yes, those evil powers-that-be scheduled my exams to ensure that i had neither a christmas nor a new year celebration), i poked my head outta my "hibernation" and had that first taste of true freedom...

what better way than to send fun emails to my best friend... gotta love that...

jo: so guess what day is today?
jo's best friend: hmm let me see... *insert someone's name* birthday... why are you still remembering?
jo: apparently YOU'RE remembering too haha! i can't help it... i think it's one of those dates that is just gonna be stuck in my head forever. shall i tell you when *insert the variation of dj guy's name that we've given him* birthday is? let's just say 2 days after yours haha!

but you would be glad to know that thus far i have not wished someone. it's crazy how i do this every year. remembering and resisting the urge to do the friendly thing and wish him. some years i succeed in ignoring it completely (if you don't count the fact that i totally remember it). other years i cave in and wish him.

oh and my family friend's setup has returned from being missing in action and has been sighted on IM. i'm pretty sure he must have been away on holiday the past over week... not that he cared to tell me. nor did he respond to my text wishing him happy birthday. and even though he's back from wherever, he hasn't IMed me so i'm gonna be resisting to contact him first.

well this year is the year of me not being a doormat. the year of me (in the words of incubus) not letting "fear take the wheel and steer" but breaking away from the conditioning and realising that "i should be the one behind the wheel" and hopefully "find that when i drive myself my life is found".

so i'm trying not to bother with boys that don't bother with me. and i've decided to try and pretty much do whatever i want, whenever i want, however i want. so i'll be good if i want to... and i'll dirty up that clean slate if i want to. i want to play by my rules and only answer to me.

i claim that i don't really do new year's resolutions... but has that turned into some sort of a new year's resolution??

au revoir 2007, bienvenue 2008

it's amazing how time flies... and yet another year is coming to an end... and it's always around this time that i get nostalgic...

2007 has been purely crazy. a lot of things happened and didn't happen but it was almost always eventful in some way or another.

on the guy front... this year has seen a lot more introductions of new guys than any other year. as well as more alcohol, more hormones, more questionable behavior, more mistakes, more emotional attachment, more open honesty and more heartbreak. it was also a year that saw more exits of guys. as well as less discernment, less holding back and less bothering bout questionable behaviors.

so i told myself that i had till the end of the year to get rid of the baggage and residual emotions for past guys.

afterall why bother with a guy who says that you guys should go out but doesn't follow up on it. someone who doesn't tell you how he feels bout you after you've pretty much expressly told him how you feel bout him. and then when a drunken mistake happens after his best friend hits on you, acts as though you've utterly wronged him beyond redemption even though there was no commitment in the first place. and yet despite the fact that he's so wrong on paper, manages to make you somehow 'fall' for him which ultimately leaves you heartbroken.

and why bother with a guy who confuses you so much on whether you guys are on a 'date' or not 'coz you guys go dutch. someone whose company you obviously enjoy and who seems to enjoy your company as well but you can't even tell if it's totally platonic or platonic bordering on the maybe future not so platonic. and yet somehow he worms his way into your heart. makes you open that heart in a long while. only to leave you wondering where he's suddenly disappeared to 'coz he hasn't replied to your text wishing him happy birthday.

and definitely don't bother with a guy who you've liked for almost 11 years ago. the guy who you would have been willing to give up all that sometimes meaningless partying and making out with random guys. so what if he means that much to you? he's never even been interested.

so yes, the only 3 guys to have ever really made it to my heart. each and every one of 'em has to be yanked out.

tabula rasa. it's time for a new slate...

and as we say hello to 2008, i wonder what next year will be like. will i resolve to be good this time (goodness knows i wasn't exactly all that good in 2007) or will i continue on with even more antics 'coz 2007 was certainly a record high.

as every new year dawns, i can't help but remember what my good friend joked with me 2 years ago...

a new beginning with a new clean slate. ready to dirty it up?

hmm... i don't know... i just might be...

till the end of the year

neither my party girl nor the yummy mommy was looking to head out on friday night, so it seemed like an opportune time when my family friend asked me to join him and a few other friends (some of whom i know including my family friend's setup) to party.

i was much earlier than the rest so while waiting, i spent some time staring at a fountain nearby. now, i love water bodies. i've always said that when i'm in the water, i'm in my element. which might be a lil ironic (or perhaps just makes a whole lotta sense) since i'm supposed to be a fire sign. not that i really believe in any of that. but i digress... anyway so i'm staring intently at the fountain, losing myself in the flowing water and drowning out the busy sounds around me to just only hear the sound of the rushing water. it's amazing. i felt so calm.

and then i started thinking...

it occured to me with a bit of a shock that since i first liked someone in the beginning of 1997, i've never really been fancy free. that's close to 11 years of for the most part at least having some sort of a crush. i wonder if i've forgotten how to be truly fancy free.

i thought bout how i really need to start over, wash the slate clean just as water washes things clean. and it seemed fitting that it's nearing the end of the year. what better way than to start the new year afresh. to rid myself of the guys baggage, to be fancy free.

but of 'coz a lil cheeky thought crept into my mind... that means from now till the end of the year i get to dredge up as much past guys as i want haha!

and i think i almost did...

it was my first time partying with the guys and for the most part it was kinda fun. there were quite a few young girls there as well and they just seemed so... young. i say it like i'm really old but somehow sometimes 22 year old girls just come across as so immature. so i just pretty much left my not-so-platonic ex-friend to chat with the young girls, one of whom is his colleague who he admitted to me does it for him. yes, that's just the charm of my not-so-platonic ex-friend. he's too wrong and i couldn't be bothered anyway. besides that just means i'm safe from any of his blatant attempts to try and hit on me right? yeah well in a way i suppose... 'coz by the end of the night he did kiss me on the lips twice. thankfully no one saw... i hope...

but aside from young girls and trying to avoid my not-so-platonic ex-friend, it wasn't too bad. one of the guys who i know told me that he was glad that i was there 'coz he was starting to feel like he was babysitting the young ones. i was glad that he was there too 'coz we get along pretty well. he's a funny fella.

and i was especially glad that my family friend's setup was there. and even more so when it seemed that we got along really well. maybe it's the alcohol but it was all very jokey and friendly... and maybe even a wee bit flirty? perhaps it's in my mind, but i liked his eye contact. i felt completely at ease with him. which is probably dangerous coupled with my attraction to him 'coz i'm sure i was pretty cheeky and somewhat touchy feely. but then again when i'm comfy, that's just me. i hug my male friends so it's not that big a deal to me. but later i wondered if it was a good idea to have hugged my family friend's setup after he walked me to my doorstep. i'm just not sure what's going on in his mind.

i like him. i definitely like him. i just have till the end of the year to indulge myself in such thoughts before his mark on my slate has to be wiped clean... but i still keep hoping that he will step up to the plate...

thoughts over drinks

lately i've been thinking a fair bit... and nothing quite helps propel the thought process like chilling out with a drink... or perhaps 5 drinks.

last night i met up with my party girl and the yummy mommy to head to a different bar for some live music. while it was rather nice to chill out in a different place, we didn't stay long and wound up at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar instead. my party girl left rather early while the yummy mommy and i stayed on till pretty late just chatting with some of the regulars. somehow conversation with one of the regulars turned to questioning my single status. for some reason that kinda got me thinking.

i admitted to 'em that one of the main contributing factors to my single status was that i haven't found the right guy. i've met really nice guys who treat me well but somehow i don't quite have that physical attraction yet. and then the guys who i have a physical connection with aren't exactly the most suitable guys. and then there's the guys who i get along with and am attracted to but they don't give me the time of day. it's just tough.

it came to a point where i had to excuse myself for a while to sit in my lonesome and just contemplate things. kinda just sort things out in my brain. that's when it hit me bout why i wasn't ready to be more than friends with the guy based in missouri. of 'coz the long distance was an important factor... but i realised it wasn't 'coz i didn't trust him. strangely even though i didn't know him for that long, i felt that i could trust him. the problem was that i couldn't quite trust myself.

i can't safely say without a doubt that i can stop trying to 'date' or make out with other guys or that i even want to. i don't think i'm willing to give that up.

that said, the realisation then hit me that for someone, i was willing to give all that up. for him, i could stop the sometimes meaningless partying and making out with random guys. 'coz he would (and honestly probably still does) mean that much to me. and that was worth whatever i was getting in random albeit sometimes fun play. but it's just stupid of me 'coz he's not even interested.

and the only other person to really come close to making me feel somewhat the same way is my family friend's setup. where there seemed to be that one defining scary moment where i realised that i was opening my heart to let him inside. and of 'coz we all know how that seems to be turning out...

so last night, the bartender aka dj guy seemed to be in some sort of strange mood swing. on one hand he would come by and give me hugs and tickles and lean his head against mine, but then some other moments it almost seemed like he deliberately stayed away from me even though i had walked over to him. and then at the end of the night, i texted him basically just bout asking him out. i told him to let me know if he's ever free for dinner, say on a sunday. he never replied.

that made me realise that once again i just might have gotten emotionally attached. dang this emotional attachment crap.

i'm starting to think that perhaps i need to find someone new to help stop me from liking dj guy that much. there is just too much physical attraction and chemistry there that always messes with my mind... and hormones...

the process of forgetting and getting over

my phone beeped...

jo's mom: just 'saw' *insert someone's name* at *particular location*
jo: you saw him?
jo's mom: yes. 'talk' 5 secs. he going library. you still got 'sparks' for him?

i don't even know how to answer that.

i've been trying my best to get over him. afterall he's not into me at all. that should be blatantly obvious by now. but i've liked him irrationally for the longest time ever that it's kinda hard to just get over him like that.

recently i actually resorted to verbally saying that i'm no longer interested in him. maybe i'm trying to cheat my heart. every time i should even have a slight "aww" feeling bout him, i try and stop myself. that said, i think a part of me will always be 'in love' with him. and i might as well just deal with that. even if chances are that we will probably never ever be together. in all probability we will just be acquaintances at best.

but getting my mom's text just messed with me a lil...

dammit what does it take for a girl to truly forget someone?

trying to keep unaffected...

it's been kinda a crazy time lately. what with exams and a stressful and fast paced new job. i guess i kinda went a lil crazy this weekend...

friday night i was just chilling out in the cozy hole-in-the-wall bar with my party girl and the yummy mommy. the bartender aka dj guy and i were joking around a lil as usual. the yummy mommy and the female bartender actually asked me if i liked him. i found out that he's single again. we've always had some kind of chemistry and sometimes it feels like something could go on but maybe it won't ever will. that said, at times i feel like i should just straight up tell him to kiss me already so i don't have to keep wondering what it might be like.

that night i ran into scottish cat man. now that's one guy that i haven't seen in absolutely ages. in fact i was so shocked to see him. but we reconnected again and after turning down his impromptu offer to go over to his place on saturday night, i met up with him for a quick cuppa on sunday night. we're supposed to meet up for dinner some time this week. will see how that goes. but so far he's been texting me everyday since friday.

on saturday night, my party girl, the yummy mommy and i met up with a few other friends to play pool and have a drink. feeling annoyed that the youngest one didn't reply to my text, i decided to text the aussie podiatrist. we wound up joining him and his friends in another club. that's where things got a lil strange and confusing...

my party girl and the aussie podiatrist got along really well. maybe too well... i'm not sure how i feel bout it. in between their conversation, he and i managed to have a bit of a play fight which left me with a bruise on my wrist. that turned into a kissing session. he's not a bad kisser but he's not the best either. but it was fun that he's a playful kisser. though it's hard not to, i keep telling myself that i can't afford to think that this means anything. afterall he didn't contact me again. and after i left he went with my party girl to another bar so i'm not sure what happened there. it's not that i necessarily mind my friends getting along with a guy i like but if i'm honest i admit that it was a lil weird for me that my party girl and the aussie podiatrist got along that well. i don't know...

i think maybe the whole prick04 and my oldest school friend drama kinda affected me more than i realised. or at least i'm less over it then i thought i was. but i suppose at least this time i'm more open in saying something. so even though i was tempted to just pretend everything was okay, i didn't. and kinda brought up the subject to my party girl rather hesitantly. i didn't say much. just outlined why sometimes i feel weird. i'm not sure what will happen but this much i know... i'm getting scared 'coz i think i'm liking the aussie podiatrist too much...

and the youngest one never did reply to me. i should have let it go, be done with it. but 'coz today is his 21st birthday i decided to IM him. apparently he was drunk by the time i texted on saturday and spent the whole weekend hungover. well i told myself i'm done here. i probably am.

thankfully one of the funniest things was when shy colleague and i went to watch a movie. when we were buying the tickets, the lady at the ticket counter asked if we wanted a couple seat. there was a beat of silence as we were both stunned for a moment then i couldn't quite stop giggling.

and of 'coz there was this whole banana cake incident with someone...

i saw him while he was selling some stuff for a fund raising event. he was promoting his mom's banana cake. of 'coz i had to buy some. and they were yummy. so i texted him joking that he should learn to bake. he then suggested that i go learn from his mom. of 'coz i was like yeah. i mean like duh right? he said that he'll see if he could get a few other interested people. i didn't dare say that i would even go alone. anyhow i'm not holding my breath. at least i'm trying not to.

this is hard. suddenly everything in my life seems so hard...

oh so natural

when i was watching because i said so, i was immediately drawn to the musician guy as opposed to the rich and successful guy that the mom wanted to fix her daughter up with. later shy colleague asked me why.

well the standard answer would have been 'coz i just found the musician cuter. but beyond that it wasn't just his looks that attracted me but his personality.

it was then that i realised that it was bout that one word... natural.

the musician guy seemed so natural compared to the rich and successful guy who was too smooth and too suave. and i realised that it wasn't just movie characters but it was also evident in the real life guys i've liked.

i've always said before that the reason why i was attracted to cutie classmate was 'coz he had a very natural air bout him. he just seemed like he was comfy in his own skin and being his own person.

someone has also always been open and unpretentious. even to the point of lounging around and being absolutely comfy with my parents upon first meeting. he was just him. and that was what i liked bout him.

i like that feeling where i feel that the guy seems real, like he's not hiding some deep dark secret. that what i see is what i get. that's he comfy enough with me not to have to pretend. it makes me feel a lot more at ease. and that makes me more natural as well.

an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other

waay back in the days when i actually thought that prick04 was a nice guy trying his best to pursue me, i had actually wondered that between someone and prick04, who would i choose. of 'coz back then it was probably already silly since someone never expressed any real interest even though truth be told i always preferred him to prick04. of 'coz now i know that prick04 is a real prick and wouldn't choose him even if he were the last person on earth. but i remember back then thinking bout how someone was like an angel on my shoulder while prick04 was like a devil on the other shoulder. someone always managed to inspire me to be a better person. whereas prick04 always seemed to bring out the 'bad girl' side of me.

forward to now... and i find myself in yet another similar situation...

recently i've been talking to two 21 year old guys. i have no idea why i'm suddenly meeting and getting along with these young ones. shy colleague and i have been steadily talking via work IM for practically the entire time we're at work. sure we still do our work effectively, but that's still a whole lotta conversation. the youngest one and i don't talk as much but we still have our fair share of IMs, texts and late night phone conversations (after we make out for an entire night that is).

but these two 21 year olds couldn't be more different.

shy colleague is a real nice guy. shy and innocent though wacky at times. someone surprisingly mature and level-headed who i can have pretty deep conversations with and shares similar views as i do. he flatters me and somehow makes me feel secure, as though i have the 'upper hand'.

the youngest one however is a bad boy biker type. a nocturnal person who likes to sleep from 7am to 7pm and hangs out with his friends in the middle of the night. he's experienced and almost cocky though occasionally showcases a certain 'never quite grew up' quality that's kinda endearing. he kinda gives me a run for my money 'coz i never quite know what he's thinking. he's asked me out twice but both times cancelled out on me 'coz he was too tired. he's told me twice that he likes me and thinks i'm pretty, but he had been drinking then and besides that was before we even kissed. does kissing change things? does it mean anything more that he keeps kissing me? i think he knows the effect his kisses have on me. 'coz most dangerous of all he possesses great making out abilities and makes me realise why some people might choose to have friends with benefits.

an angel. and a devil.

not that either of 'em are actively pursuing me. and not that i'm even really considering either of 'em. but this time, it might be different... i have a feeling that if it would have come down to it, i would have picked the youngest one. 'coz somehow that draw is just too strong... it's like this raw primal need...

i suppose girls always like a lil bad boy in their guys...

then again if it were between someone and the youngest one. someone would win hands down. no contest.

which probably proves that while girls like the bad boys, what we really want is the good guy.

or maybe the fact that i would even think it were to be between someone and the youngest one could mean that i just like and want someone i can't have.

tell him

last night i had the rare chance to catch up proper with my best friend face to face. we talked bout the guy she liked and she confided that a few days before she had emailed him admitting that she liked him.

she's never done this before. and i really admire her guts 'coz i'm not sure if i could ever do that. despite that for the longest time ever known to mankind, i've been into someone. and if there's someone that i should tell that i like him, it would be someone. sure i've thought bout telling him and even gotten somewhat close in the form of actually writing out a proper letter. but i never gave it to him.

my best friend's reason in admitting it to the guy she liked was so she could get over him and move on. afterall the guy has a girlfriend. and she admitted that it was easier to tell him 'coz he had a girlfriend 'coz she knew then that his rejection wouldn't be 'coz of her.

she hit the nail on the head. that's the exact reason why i was and still am too nervous to let someone know. 'coz since he's single, his rejection would mean it's me. he doesn't like me. not that his actions don't already show that he's just not that into me. but at least in my pleasant ignorance, i can sometimes console myself with certain positive vibes that he occasionally gives out.

until i find the guts to actually tell him. though it's been so long... too long... such that telling him now might just seem really strange to him...

times like these

obviously no one told someone that you can't ask someone for their hospital ward number and then don't visit or send flowers or whatever. i was perfectly okay with the fact that he replied to my text message and inquired how i was. then he asked for my hospital ward number. and that made me anticipate him visiting me, sending me flowers... something. but that didn't happen. even though he did reply after i texted him to let him know that i was discharged.

sometimes it's times like these when you know who are the people who truly care.

i'm not writing off someone as an uncaring person 'coz at least he did reply. i'm just noting that he has more growing up to do. (side note: i just read from his blog that he's intending to join the same triathlon i'm interested in this year. it will be his second triathlon. i was already impressed when he went for his first sprint triathlon last year. now he's going for the olympic distance. wow! i'm really impressed. i myself am definitely not ready for that...)

pool boy remembered to text me the day before i was warded. i didn't expect that. he does continue to surprise me a lil. he didn't follow up after though. i told out of office eye candy at the last minute and he replied but that was it. i guess i would have expected a lil bit more given that we have a fair bit of work interaction and we're also somewhat friends. i told another guy colleague that i'm pretty close to at the last minute as well and he followed up with me a few days later apologising that he didn't have the time to visit me but was hoping that i was doing well. and perhaps even more strange was that the key account executive actually called me minutes before i was warded 'coz he just saw my email. that i totally didn't expect.

but it's also times like these where you realise that all this doesn't always matter as long as you've got the people closest to you by your side... gotta love family and friends.

consider my day made

for the last 2 weeks, someone and i have been trying to find some time to meet for a bit so that he can introduce to me a female friend of his so that i could check out her group. that sounds like a whole lot of contact but in actual fact it's not. just a few text messages being exchanged. which then again is a fair bit of contact when it comes to someone and me.

over the weekend, we finally got that chance. it was really brief. no more than half an hour. but since his friend had to rush off for a meeting, more than half of that time was actually spent with him.

it has been a really long time since i last got to talk to him properly face to face. and i miss that. all the thoughts and feelings just came rushing back to me.

when he first walked over to me waving and smiling his big bright smile, i was so nervous that i could hardly return much more than a small smile of my own. then we walked side by side to meet his friend. i noticed immediately how close he walked next to me. i'm not sure if he was trying to steer me in another direction since i was on his left, walking straight and he wanted to head left. perhaps. but that wasn't exactly the vibe i felt. or maybe i was just more conscious of his proximity as compared to if i was walking with other guys. then again i've always felt that he does stand pretty close to me (if we even have a chance to be standing next to each other and talking at all) but it felt nice. being that close to him. maybe it was a bit weird since we were at a place where a lot of his friends were and i'm pretty sure some of 'em were looking at us with teasing eyes. or maybe that's just me being self conscious again.

his friend was nice. we seemed like we would be able to get along. it's a pity that i didn't get a chance to talk to her longer. then again that wasn't that bad a thing either since i got to spend most of the time talking to someone.

we had a nice conversation. he talked bout what he did on his birthday and what some of his friends did to celebrate for him. it sounded like a lot of fun. his friends gave him a huge 'happy birthday' balloon and made him hold it the entire time at a meeting that they had. i told him that i would have gone as far as to put his face on that balloon. he laughed and told me not to give his friends any more ideas. we also talked bout relationships. i think we're kinda all at that age where it's inevitable that such talk will come up. there was a lot of laughing and a lot of joking. definitely a fun time.

it's a pity that we couldn't chat more 'coz his friends were looking for him so that they could start doing something. i had other plans too. so we said goodbye. i think he was going for a handshake (yeah we're proper like that even though with some other guys i wouldn't even think twice bout a hug and cheek kiss) but since i'm not used to that i was already waving. he waved back. we parted ways.

definitely made my day!

on this special day

today is someone's birthday. and although every year i can't ever seem to forget the day, i haven't always wished him. but it seemed like in the last month we've been particularly in contact what with the christmas event and new year and whatnot. so i decided that the friendly thing to do would be to wish him...

jo: happy happy birthday!
someone: thank you :)
jo: gosh 27... time really flies... when i first knew you, you were 17!
someone: whoa. yah 10 years
someone: so since you've known me until now, is there any difference?
jo: it doesn't seem like 10 years...
jo: but yeah definitely there's a difference
someone: what's the difference?
someone: i want to see from the people around me. how much have i transformed.
jo: haha! well i think you've definitely gained a lot more confidence. you seem surer of yourself. who you are and who you want to be
someone: amen!
someone: so you do agree that i was shy right?
someone: haha
jo: haha! yeah... and in some ways i still think you're shy. maybe that's just you. and that's not even necessarily a bad thing. hey i consider myself shy too haha!
jo: it's been so long... i mean we've all grown up right?
someone: yeah
jo: so how do you think you've changed in the last 10 years?

and that was when he went all someone on me. he launched into an answer which awed me as usual. if there's one thing that someone is so different from anyone else i've ever met it's that he inspires me. and in a rare moment of true honesty i told him just that...

jo: honestly you've always been an inspiration for to me. talking to you always makes me want to be a better person
someone: that's great to know...
someone: anyway i must say that the questions you ask me always makes me reflect more. ha ha. like when you asked me how i've changed in the past 10 years. gave me a chance to really think about it and write it out. that is going to be on my blog!

can it be true? that we mutually inspire each other to reflect and think more? that just sounds too good to be true.

the christmas weekend

merry christmas!

it's been a kinda hectic time so be prepared for a looong one...

on friday i met up with my ex-classmate based in china who was back home for the week. my oldest school friend and another ex-classmate also joined us. later the 4 of us girls went to meet some of my ex-classmate based in china's friends in a club. they were supposed to be having a boy's night out. and i suppose we were supposed to be 'invading' it. so at promises of meeting cute guys, we all trooped to the club.

the night turned out to be somewhat boring. i'm not exactly sure why i thought that it wouldn't be since i've been bored all the times i've gone to that particular club. i don't like the crowd and i don't like the music. usually i try and stay away from there. as for my ex-classmate based in china's guy friends. well i did talk to a few of 'em and i did get along pretty well with 2 in particular. but for the most part those guys weren't really my type. and some were even married!

so in a bored-and-looking-for-excitement mood, my oldest school friend and i asked this married guy (who wasn't wearing a ring so i had to ask him pointblank first if he was married like i heard from another guy) if he thought kissing another girl was cheating. he said something bout a feeling. and then later sorta admitted that he didn't exactly think it was cheating. so i turned the tables around and asked if he would consider it cheating if his wife kissed another guy. well to him that was cheating. talk bout double standards.

****

almost 2 weeks ago pool boy and i made plans to meet and saturday was the day. we got along well. just as we had the first time we met in the pool. i'm strangely rather comfy with him. and he's pretty sweet. he had just gotten back from a week-long vacation in taiwan and had bought me a bracelet. i totally didn't expect that and thought that it was nice of him to think of me. maybe he did 'coz he hasn't been on a date in 6 months. i have no idea why he told me that. and i found myself thinking "we're on a date??" okay so i probably know that that was a date but i've just never liked the word 'date'. he also told me that he's been single for 3 years and though he does club, has never asked a girl for her phone number in the club before. apparently he just asks girls he meets in the pool. i guess the impression i got was that he isn't a player type. and he's not too bad in the looks department as well. but somehow i just don't think i'm all that attracted to him. i don't know why. he seems nice and all but i'm just not feeling it.

****

christmas eve i had that christmas event that someone 'invited' me to join. but the night before i received a text from him.

someone: "hey, tmr we are gathering in *gathering place*. bus is catered for down to *place where event is held* :)
jo: okay cool. see ya then! :P

i thought that was it. and honestly that would have been perfectly fine. but then he goes on to send this which just messes with me...

someone: "i must apologise that i can't be with you more often. heh. hope you understand cos i am program in charge. so will need to be running about most of the time
jo: no worries. maybe we can catch up again after you're less busy
someone: i will still be busy. but will make time. heh. :) really glad u can join us in this. want to join our group? heh. :)
jo: haha! i'll hold you to that so no excuse for you anymore haha! :P i'm definitely glad to be able to be a part of this. i wouldn't mind checking out your group.

so just as he predicted, i hardly saw him on the event day except for one moment when i was carolling and we smiled. but it didn't matter 'coz i was busy with the event and having fun. even though it was soo tiring, it was also very rewarding and fun. and i even got to make some new friends.

after the countdown was over and as we were gathering to head back, i saw someone again. i had hoped that we would be able to wish each other a merry christmas. but somehow he was just too busy with all his friends. i'm positive that he saw me. we were practically next to each other at one point. but he chose to ignore me and i chose to do the same. it's like we're back in school playing a game. that really messes with me. one minute he's all friendly and the next he's ignoring me. it's just crazy.

but what's crazier still is that i still like him. gosh! i'm pathetic.