Looking away...

I hadn't seen him or thought about him in nearly a year and even then the last time was just to return him his books. Despite pleasantries on how we should catch up again, there were no real illusions or expectations that we would. After all these years it was fairly clear to me that we wouldn't actually be friends, we would just be people who once casually dated briefly.

It was weird to run into him. Funny how the thought never really occurred to me though given that the world is small and my city smaller, it wouldn't have been that far fetched.

I was in the train with the alpha boy and in walks him and another girl, right in the same carriage. I applaud myself for my fast reflexes. I don't know if I got a good look at him and I certainly didn't get a good look at her but I knew instantly that it was the swedish guy and that she was his girlfriend. And I looked away.

For the next few stops I continued to look away. I don't know if he saw me too or if he didn't but one thing for sure was that neither of us was going to acknowledge the other.

As fate would have it, we stopped at the same stop. He got out pretty quickly and I saw him walking ahead hand in hand with his tall, ordinary, Asian-looking girlfriend with the wavy bob hair and they soon disappeared from sight.

I don't recognize her, nothing in his Facebook pictures had ever alluded to him and her. And while it seems silly because it's been years and I have long come to terms with the fact that ultimately he was never really that into me (despite the fun that we've had), a part of me still wonders why. But I guess life goes on and so we move on.

we already know how this ends

it was my “turn” to pick where to go and as terrible as i usually am at deciding on where to eat, i managed to select a cosy quiet Italian place. we settled in comfortably with calamari rings, pizza, pasta, wine and beer.

i returned him his book. i went through that one really fast. not a book i particularly liked but nonetheless i found it interesting and thought provoking.

that’s what i like best bout reading. reading each new book is a fresh, engaging, thought-provoking and addictive experience that takes you on a journey… all without ever having to change your actual external environment. and i’m a kind of person who always seeks a new high. who almost needs a new high.

he passed me 2 books and then realised that he should have brought along another book that the book club were discussing in the next meeting. a meeting which I can now make due to a last minute change in my work travel plans. a meeting i was eager to make since it would be my very first book club meeting, something i’ve been wanting to attend for ages.

it was decided that would swing by his place to pick up that book. i realised that i hadn’t been to his place since 3 years ago. he has moved 3 times since, settling into this current place half a year ago.

it was a nice spacious place. i stared enthralled at his bookshelf, mentally taking note which other books i had to borrow since transporting his entire bookshelf wasn’t exactly an option.

he offered me a drink, bailey’s irish cream. tasty.

we moved to the couch where he put on some mellow music. his type of music.

he showed me a book of photos that his friend did to commemorate their group mountain climb last year. it was amazing, with fantastic, hilarious copy text. i jokingly teased bout how he looked younger back then. he responded by tickling me. like how he used to.

i asked to see his photos from his recent mountain climb. they were gorgeous, full of blue skies against the stark brown/yellow rocky road. i laughed at how his cave man look (sans shaving and showering) resembled keifer sutherland. we googled keifer sutherland. he did not agree.

we started youtubing different music and he started singing along. like how he used to.

it started getting late. wboth got up. he showed me his bedroom as proof that he could not fit in all his luggage. and then wound up standing and chatting in the wide expanse of his living room in front of his golf bag.

we talked bout golf. he’s started to get into it again. i still haven’t started. But i shared what i heard from a professional player on how your feet are positioned can subtly affect which way your ball goes.

he playfully stepped on my foot. once. twice. i finally stepped back, accidentally stepping harder than i intended to. he laughed and held my waist perhaps to steady me as stepping on his foot threw me slightly off balance.

it was just a fleeting moment. the moment soon passed. we still stood there talking. apart.

and then i decided it was time to leave. he walked me out to get a taxi home.

i know how this plays out. the song and dance. where we can do this for months and then finally giving in to kisses. but then that’s all there is. he can say that he’s ready for a steady relationship and to settle and put some roots but in reality he’s probably too busy living his fulfilled life and travelling for any of that. and it’s probably that very fulfilled life that contributes to his draw, that energy.

but all it leads to is me, 3 years later, still kinda wondering “what if” and stepping into dangerous waters.

taking a page outta his book

recently he's been my library. but of 'coz there's more reasons to meeting up with the swedish guy than to simply return his book and borrow another.

conversation is effortless and engaging. we talked bout our travels, me spending the last 2 months on the road being in 3 countries for 3 events and heading to another next month and he coming back from his trekking trip to nepal. we talked extensively bout books, discussing our thoughts on the same books we've read. it was like our own 2-person book club. he's in a book club (has been since i met him) and i've always wanted to be in a book club. what better way to get the chance to be introduced to different genres of books that i would not usually pick. we talked bout relationships. we talked bout the pursuit of learning something new.

i've always been open with him but i think this time i took it another step further when i honestly told him that he's probably one of the few people i know who constantly pushes himself out of the box. to explore, to try new things and to actively do this all the time. i meant it as a compliment of the highest form.

what i didn't tell him was that in essence, it was still that energy that he possessed that was and is so captivating.

somewhere in the middle of all that conversation, i had a sudden flashback on our time "together" when we were "dating". it was strange. somehow it was all too easy to forget that at one point we did have some sort of a thing going on. and at the same time still being attracted to him as a person. it doesn't quite make sense.

we've always been able to talk bout everything but for some reason or another i almost feel like our conversations are even better now than before. then again i do feel i've changed in the last few years. i've experienced more, been more adventurous and have pushed some boundaries. and i can't say that the swedish guy didn't play a tiny part at all.

home away from home

it's the time during my season of work where i move to be based in another nearby location and have the craziest busiest time of work. this year my boss wanted me to move up earlier and so i moved almost a week ago. and thankfully it hasn't gotten crazy busy yet. so what i've been having so far has pretty much been fun.

sometimes i relish being somewhere else. away from it all, from everyone. where the only thing i have to be concerned with is work... and where to have dinner and drinks. it's always fun with my colleagues, where "wayne rooney" is one of them. we all know how fantastic we get along. in fact we're thinking of doing a day road trip this weekend to do a passport run. a day stuck in the car with him? we might kill each other... or we might get along like a house on fire!

i've also ventured into being social outside of work... the swedish guy had a business trip right where i was and last night we decided to meet up. we went to a pretty good spanish place that i like (i do like my tapas!) where i tried a new beer (tasty!) and then we proceeded to try this new popular bar where we had 2 different mojitos each. there were so many different mojitos flavors that it was a shame we couldn't work our way down the list.

and then there was the conversations. we talked bout books, new year resolutions, travelling, chinese horroscope, the difference between 9/11 and the hiroshima bombing, human nature and everything else under the sun. it was all very engaging and i knew i wasn't the only one who loved our meeting up, in a foreign place no less!

i may also try and catch the serial dater stud/slut at some point as well as he's on a business trip here too. but of 'coz he presently has one of his girls from this place shacking up with him in his hotel. the slut. haha!

and to top it off, despite rubbish internet connections, the guinea pig has still been bbming me every morning and night. nothing much is actually being said but i just get the feeling he's feeling lonely over there with nothing much to do.

i think despite being away from home, i'm still doing relatively well.

something new

i'm a pretty avid reader, almost nothing makes me happier or more excited than finding a new book that i really want to read. while i love my usual genre of books, i also like to try new things and new genres.

one of the topics that the swedish guy and i have always discussed were books. right when we first "started" even till now when we're not exactly in contact and yet not exactly totally out of contact either.

months ago we talked bout meeting up and months later, recently, he texted me out of the blue. this time we actually locked down a day to meet where the intention was for him to pass me a book he recommended written by last year's nobel prize winner in literature.

i admit i was a lil nervous bout meeting him. it's been so long. what happens if it's just awkward?

and frankly, initially it was. until we got into our usual swing of things. then it was full on laughs and joking where i remembered and admired that amazing zest of life that he has. we went from dinner to drinks (at a quaint pub dubbed as the oldest english bar which i've been before but forgot all bout), chatting the whole way through bout books, travelling, new places local and overseas to go, movies and work. through it all, i tried new things, such as a restaurant i meant to go to (he had planned to bring me to another one but it happened to be closed so we just rolled with it and headed somewhere else nearby) and a few different beers (some of which i really liked).

i had a fabulous time. i came back home feeling energised and alive.

i've been thinking more again bout my current relationship. there are very good traits that the alpha boy possess, the most important being that he really does love me and truthfully i do love him too, but i'm wondering if it's enough.

i realise that what's lacking is mental stimulation, excitement, that zest for life. all of which i get outside when i'm with my other friends. which is probably why i relish my time with them, away from the alpha boy where topics of conversation involve more than just talking bout how tough work is, where i learn bout different things and get to try different things. i understand why the alpha boy isn't all those things but i still can't help but find him leaning towards the side of being too anti social / awkward in social situations, not being open enough and not exposed enough to life and other things out there for my liking. even my parents (who don't dislike the alpha boy per se) admit that they think i could do better.

but i don't know. isn't the whole idea supposed to be to find someone who actually truly loves you?

i may like pickles, but i sure don't like being in one

going through my blog post achives, i'm really surprised that i didn't mention this before since it was a fairly surprising and "panic" inducing discovery back in late february when i realised from photographs being tagged that the swedish guy knows my oldest school friend through some mutual friends who included a classmate of ours (me and my oldest school friend).

i don't know how they all wound up knowing each other and actually organising relatively frequent social gatherings together but it freaked me out to know that the world is too small. and it's the swedish guy to boot. admittedly i have always had a soft spot for him since he was the one just before the alpha boy and the one i would have chosen if he showed me more interest then. there are some amazing things bout the swedish guy's personality which i can't quite forget and we just had natural chemistry.

recently i decided to make it a point to reconnect with my old school friends. we were so close when we were younger and had all that history together. and somehow just drifted apart as we grew older even though some were still close to each other. so since then i've been making a definite effort to keep in touch via emails (as it seems to now be one of the best ways) and i think it's paid off.

last night i was invited for dinner with my oldest school friend, her boyfriend and a few of her (and now his) other friends. it was a lovely time where i really enjoyed myself thoroughly. at the end of dinner, there was mention of a whisky night coming up of which invites were sent out by her boyfriend a few days prior.

now, i'm a big fan of whisky and an even bigger fan of social gatherings and making more friends. naturally i thought this would be a perfect social occasion for me. i expressed my interest and they were eager to extend to me the invite as well.

as proof of their sincereity, i received the invite first thing in the morning. it was a forwarded invite. and i saw everyone else who were previously invited in the earlier email.

yep, it was the swedish guy. and i had just told the alpha boy the night before that perhaps he could join me for the whisky night.

so here now lies my dilemma... i really want to go for this. i can't really think of reasons not to (other than sheer awkwardness) and yet i really don't want the alpha boy and the swedish guy to meet. in any case, the alpha boy isn't good in unknown social settings whereas i relish and usually shine in them. i don't want him to feel uncomfortable but i don't want to be held back either. it gets even more complicated 'coz due to the alpha boy's work schedule, he's only free on saturday nights and sundays.

i can't think of a way for me to go for this without the alpha boy and yet spend some time with him somehow and keep him happy. sigh maybe this wouldn't have been as much as a problem if the alpha boy were more sociable.

it's only exciting if you're doing these things with me

the swedish guy is one who makes new year resolutions. they are generally in the form of deciding that he's going to learn or do something new or doing something more (like travelling) or less (like drinking).

which is why i wished him happy new year a few weeks ago when the new year was still relatively new. i was curious to find out what was he intending to learn or do this time.

he is probably one of the people i've met who was the closest to what i wanted in general. we always had fun and it was with him where i got the chance to do different things be it watching a bollywood movie or dancing to the wilbury twist by the travelling wilburys or laughing as we watched the entire season of fawlty towers or watching casablanca, one of the old classic movies i always wanted to watch, or lying on his bed talking bout books and life, exchanging book suggestions (which is how he got to read a book from my favorite medical thriller genre and i read the philosophy book, zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance) or playing mini golf or dancing salsa by the roadside. of 'coz there was also the cuddling and making out.

he just had this amazing zest for life. to me, that was always the most attractive thing bout him. the energy. i miss being with a person like that.

unfortunately he was also someone who was so busy doing so many other exciting things that he didn't have time to include me in his life. or more likely, he didn't care enough to.

this is where we've been and look where we're going

it's amazing how time flies. this blog has been home to my thoughts on dating and relationships for the last 4 over years. and it's grown to become a special and important part of my life which i hide from everyone else in my "real" life.

recently i've been reading through my past entries, looking back on where i've been, how far i've come and it's been an interesting walk down memory lane. some random guys i could hardly remember, others who i wondered what on earth came over me to be so smitten with them, and a few that back then took a shine to me.

but i suppose for the most part, there's no real loss. the guys themselves have moved on. most vanished completely from my life, a select few who i still "keep in touch" with (or at least i still could if either of us wanted to) as technically they are still on my IM or online social utility site friend list, and some others who i make a point to know what's going on in their lives even if they don't always know it (yes, i "stalk" haha!).

it was in mid-walk of this memory lane that i decided to try and hunt down past people that i "dated" randomly, basically the boys that i've mentioned here in the last 4 years. some of them i already pretty much knew where they were at now but others weren't on my friends list (and even after hunting them down, i still wasn't intending to add them) and i thought it would be interesting to try and see if i could even find any information on them.

and here are the results of my find:

dj guy - i may not have seen or talked to him in at least over a year and even back then he was already engaged. but from my own nosy sleuthing i know that he's since broken up with his fiancee and has a new girlfriend.

london guy friend - he's on my friends list which have led me to find out that his (i think) german girlfriend gave birth to their son in february. they got married a month later. seems like the wedding must have been quite a surprise to even his friends.

texas curly - based on our last email "communication" in january, he told me that he got married in april 2008. he's also since started a tailor shop making custom made suits. a lil research (it's not really considered snooping if he gave me his company name to begin with haha!) showed that he came in second place in a new entrepreneur of the year award and made me even more impressed. i also found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic of a fun picture with him and his gorgeous wife. did i mention that she's gorgeous? i thought for a very long time (and trust me, i really did) and in the end decided to add him to my friends list... and hope he never really wonders how on earth i found him online...

marvy's setup - i found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic. he's looking good though (to be fair, he always looked better in pictures than in real life) and also looks like he's happily attached / married. i'm not sure if she's the "love of his life" from china that he met right after he got set up with me.

(now ex) key account executive - i keep in touch with him on IM every now and then when he signs in. bout a couple of years ago he had a kid but is still continuing to battle marital woes.

the aussie podiatrist - i couldn't find him on the online social utility site and for some reason, i was determined enough to dig up something that i googled him. i didn't realise that he's been responsible for giving the expert's opinion on certain podiatry related press releases. i found out that his (now not so) new workplace is actually rather close to mine. there was also a picture of him. he's not looking as good as before... i think he's balding.

family friend's setup - i'm still in contact with the friend who set us up and very occasionally i drop an IM to say hey to my family friend's setup (in fact just after writing bout him, i dropped him another IM). but from our friend, i found out that he has a slightly on/off girlfriend. our friend doesn't even know what's going on. sometimes it's good, then it's off, then it's on again. apparently she's a great girl though.

the french banterer - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have 2 mutual friends (though i only really consider one of those girls my friends. i'm pretty sure he knows her through work.) i browsed through a few of his photos. somehow he looks different or maybe i just can't recognise him anymore. i'm unsure bout his relationship status though.

poet guy - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have a mutual friend... incidentally it was my uni classmate that i "dated" who since got married to our uni classmate. i couldn't see much other than his profile pic but he looks like he's happily attached / married.

chatty triathlete - i found him on the online social utility site, and as expected, we have a mutual friend in the form of my friend's (who was formerly based in dubai who subsequently became my colleague) husband. and as i heard, i saw evidence in photos that he got married in dec 2009, a year after he got together with her. he doesn't look too bad but i'm still definitely way cuter than her.

the serious one - not that he's important but i've been running into him recently near wherer i work in town. in any case, he's on my friend's list and it was there that i learnt that he's engaged. i think she works near my workplace.

drummer boy - the only one who i'm actually quite in touch with over IM. and well i already mentioned that he's thinking of getting married in 3-5 years time.

the swedish guy - the last time i saw him was in december 2009. that said, i do think bout him every now and then. he's on my friends list and ever so often i'd see a status update stating that he was off to another one of his short holidays. i still think that's the main reason why we didn't get more serious. he claimed that he was ready for a girlfriend, but his lifestyle showed otherwise.

i guess the main theme is that almost everyone that i "dated" in the last 4 years is now coupled up be it married, engaged or just attached. it's good to know that i didn't remain completely single either.

this has definitely been one very interesting nostalgic walk.

i just need some fun and excitment

the online social utility site greeted me with updates on the latest pictures that the swedish guy was tagged in. a dodgy night out with hats. he looked like he and a whole bunch of friends were having fun.

it's not like i don't try and have some fun with my friends. in fact i just had a friday night with my (now ex) party girl, the yummy mommy and the ungirly hottie where we had dinner and spent all of 2 hours in a club with 2 drinks each. but it's just that somehow it's either i'm not in the loop of fun, not finding the usual previously fun things i used to do all that fun or that my closer friends aren't fun anymore.

so all i've been left with is the feeling that in the past year i've just been boring and i don't even know what to do for fun anymore. i feel like i should shake things up. enjoy myself. but i don't have heaps of friends left or enough time at all to do the all sorts of things that i don't even know what i could be doing.

don't get me wrong. i do find pleasure in the lil things like chilling out with the alpha boy at home and that's great. but i suppose sometimes i just find myself wishing that my life could be a lil more exciting and i don't even know what to do.

let's play true confessions

i love the alpha boy, really i do. but i also acknowledge that there are heaps of things that i recognise are undesirable bout him. what makes it even harder is his very strong personality. without going into too much detail, there are things that do make me unsure bout him and there are times where i'm not even sure if i can deal with this in the long run.

it's in those times that i find myself thinking of the swedish guy and sometimes "wishing" and wondering what it would have been like if he showed more interest. and recently texas curly popped in my mind. that in itself is quite rare as i met him at least 5 years ago and haven't seen him since and haven't kept in contact with him since 4 years ago. but when i do think of him, i always think of him fondly.

i think i should contact him to find out what he's up to and which part of the world he might be. if nothing, i really do like him as a friend.

and yes, i still love the alpha boy even though sometimes he scares me and drives me up the wall.

hey alpha, swedish ain't got nothing on ya

i hadn't met the swedish guy since march and it's not like we were in contact a whole lot after that either. just a few texts and emails here and there very sporadically.

but in the last possibly 2 months, we did talk bout (and by that i really mean text 'coz shocker if we actually ever talk on the phone) meeting up. and that only finally happened last night.

i must say that initially i felt a lil strange. you know, the whole meeting up with someone you used to go out with (even though it wasn't official or anything but you get my drift). but there was nothing in our texts to ever communicate any form of interest still existed on either side and so i felt somewhat safe that it was just friends and not a case where it's implied that we'd pick up where we may or may not have left off.

honestly, we do get along pretty well. and the dinner was filled with our usual laughing and joking around and talking bout all sorts of stuff including relationship talk that wasn't related to me or him or any vague reference to us.

i've always enjoyed his company, that's a given. and i have to admit that in some way, the 2-hour dinner we had reminded me of why i even liked him in the first place. but for me, the romantic feelings were no longer there. though subconsciously i suppose i might have done some mental comparison between him and the alpha boy.

the swedish guy was "better" 'coz he was reasonably mild tempered, more goofy and currently a lot more stable in his career. the alpha boy is better 'coz he's very true blue, loves me and is mine.

i kinda think that the alpha boy wins.

the past, the future and everything in between

i know that i haven't been updating too much lately. i guess when you're in a relationship, it's kinda hard to find good blog fodder. afterall it's not like i'm out there having many different dates with many different guys having many different interesting stories.

so far everything is going relatively fine... i suppose. i don't know. i mean i do like him a lot or maybe "love" him or whatever but there are other things that make me wonder if i can be with him forever (and i know that he pretty much thinks forever). we're just quite different personalities and the side of him that is totally opposite to my tolerant, easy-going, even-tempered side does sometimes make me worry. but other than that and some other lil things that bug me (which i have yet to even find a way to tell him bout), we're doing more or less good.

though that doesn't mean that i stop thinking bout the past boys.

every now and then i find myself thinking bout the swedish guy. maybe 'coz he was the guy just before the alpha boy. maybe 'coz if he had shown me more interest then, my life would have taken a different path. maybe 'coz i still have no idea what happened and wonder why.

and then there's dj guy. my party girl and i finally met up on friday. it's been bout a month since we last met 'coz she's been really busy at work. we decided to head over to the club that dj guy now works in. yeah after over 6 months of not working in nightlife, dj guy is finally back. which makes it easier to see him again.

it was definitely nice seeing him again. evidently for him as well 'coz he left me a message on the online social utility site saying just that. which is something he never did. we've never been the contact each other types. heck, he never did anything like that even when we were kinda "together" (which by that i really just mean making out every week at his former workplace in cozy hole-in-the-wall bar). but we've long since passed that. it was just the kind of friendly we are. joking and jesting. we will both move on with our own lifes and loves. but there will always be something there between us. that certain soft spot for the other. (that seems evident to others as well) that will always be there. always.

even if you're going forward, sometimes the past is still there...

yesterday was the swedish guy's birthday. i've always known that i was going to wish him. i suppose it was my own bid to reopen the lines of communication and leave the ball in his court.

jo: hey happy birthday! have yourself a good one :)

he replied.

the swedish guy: thank you!

that wasn't very inspiring. i guess that just bout seals the lines of any possible potential communication?

****

drummer boy has been continuing to try for another chance with me. that was definitely evident in the obvious IM flirting yesterday and asking me out for today. but i was on the phone with the alpha boy and wasn't really able to IM.

i've been trying to avoid having to meet up with drummer boy. i know that at some point really soon, i'll have to tell him that i'm attached. but for some strange reason i find it hard to do so. maybe 'coz it's drummer boy. and that history we have. technically i owe him nothing. he ended it 7 months ago by not replying to my email and acting all weird. but i suppose i still wanna be friends.

****

and a new friend i did make last night. some months ago i got to know this guy from the online dating site. we talked bout meeting up and actually once arranged a day but somehow or another we couldn't meet up till now. he was also the one who was the most understanding when i was going through my dating detox.

this time i was upfront and honest with him bout it being just as friends 'coz i was attached. and he was very cool bout it all. we met up and i had a surprisingly good time. online, he's not always as engaging. in pictures, he's not as attractive. but he surprised me by being more engaging and attractive than expected. we talked bout hanging out again. i think it would be nice to have a platonic guy friend who i don't have some complicated dating past with.

****

the alpha boy did his first sweet random thing by buying me a single red rose when we met up for lunch yesterday.

nevermind that he got the idea when he saw his business partner buying a rose for the lunch date he was having with the girl that he's currently interested in. it kinda hit him that "hmm i should do that for my girlfriend too". he admitted that big gestures and all that aren't really like him to do. but he's practiced. i guess some guys have it, and then some guys are just trained.

for now, it all seems okay with me.

trying to avoid trouble

this still feels unreal and i'm still trying to get used to it. it probably doesn't help that frankly just as we suspected, the alpha boy and i are kinda behaving the way that we've always behaved, relationship or not. i'm not sure if i need more. maybe more attention and more affection? i mean i'm not high maintenance but i'm not really that low maintenance either.

but that's something that i'm not overly worried bout. now, here's something that i kinda am though... the question of other guys.

being single for as long as i have (which is forever), i'm used to going out / flirting / making out with whichever guy without having to think too much bout it at all. i only had to answer to myself and no one else. of 'coz now that i'm attached (sheesh it still feels weird), that is a big no-no.

which is why drummer boy's sudden presence in my life is making it hard. he hasn't been overwhelming but i can tell that he's definitely trying to have another chance with me. and then there's the matter of my party girl's birthday party tonight as well as what was supposed to be a girls night in tomorrow night with my party girl, the yummy mommy and another girl friend but where i suddenly found out that the other girl friend has invited a bunch of swedish boys to join us.

they knew bout my brief time with the swedish guy and she must have thought that hey maybe she'd introduce even more swedish guys to me. which would be all well and good. except that a few of us (crazy) girls and a bunch of swedish guys together in a house... i don't know. maybe i should stay away from such temptation. what's considered as innocent and appropriate flirting? (i'm assuming of 'coz that said swedish guys are even cute to begin with)

and of 'coz when you say swedish guys, i think bout the swedish guy, my swedish guy (nevermind that he wasn't ever really mine to begin with). it's been 5 weeks since we last contacted. i'm disappointed that he didn't even think to remember me for 5 weeks. it's his birthday next week and as a friendly gesture, i would be wishing him. i remember thinking back then bout his birthday and wondering if by that time what might have happened between us. i was even thinking that if we carried on (like we did previously), i would have wanted to do something special to celebrate with him. but of 'coz everything's changed. strangely i had the feeling that it would. i guess i just don't have the greatest faith in men and for the most part think that it won't really last possibly 'coz i've been proven right all the time. the good thing is that at least with the alpha boy, i feel like he's gonna be around for a longer while than the others.

i just have to avoid trouble like the dickens. and even though lately i've been considerably better than i've been before, i have to be even better. or just stay away from alcohol haha!

i tried but apparently that didn't work

so okay this dating detox thing isn't quite working out.

basically 'coz the alpha game player has kinda said that we're dating. we've certainly talked bout the possibility of becoming a couple. but that said, we're both scared to be in a relationship and hence we're not a couple.

i'm not sure how i feel bout it all. frankly it all kinda took me by surprise. i mean we're going dutch, we're almost polar opposites, i thought we were just friends. admittedly a part of me does kinda like him. i suppose it's hard not to when he makes his presence known in my life by constantly keeping in touch. which is more than i can say bout the swedish guy.

it's been 3 weeks. 3 freaking weeks! and he has still yet to contact me. nary a call or text or IM, not that he usually does any of that anyway. i guess it couldn't be any clearer bout how he's just not that into me.

problem is 'coz a part of me is still into him. if all things withstanding and the swedish guy was showing me as much attention as the alpha game player, i probably would have picked the swedish guy. but life doesn't usually work out that way does it?

but since apparently the dating detox is kinda off and while i may be apparently kinda dating the alpha game player, we're not officially together, i'm wondering if i should be allowed to say yes to other dates. no actual asking has been done but a recent text conversation had this guy asking if i was still taking time out and had me saying that i think i might have abandoned it... and of 'coz i'm still struggling with wanting to just contact the swedish guy... he's been on/off away practically every weekend like he usually is.

maybe i should just stick with working for what i possibly could get instead of reaching for the unattainable...

aren't i supposed to be on a dating detox here??

i've always loved reading and enjoy any chance i can get to sit down and just read. even though it's not necessarily my fave genre, recently i borrowed some chick lit books from an ex-colleague. i read them very quickly and enjoyed it. the problem is this... one of the books was frankly... rather hot.

i'm supposed to be on a dating detox here!

and it's not like i even needed those books (or anything for that matter) for me to remember and miss the swedish guy and drummer boy.

yes, i'm still hung up on drummer boy. somehow. it's crazy and sometimes i wanna slap myself. but yeah the truth is that i still think bout him and miss him and our time together.

hormones. maybe it's all just hormones.

and i blame those darn hormones for me to cheat a lil on rule 9... i IMed drummer boy. but after a one-word unengaging answer, i decided to quit while i was ahead (or rather behind) and not resopnd. i'm trying not to kick myself too much over it.

and i'm definitely trying not to contact the swedish guy. it's seriously hard. i'm practically counting the days since we last contacted. 2 weeks and a day. this is frustrating. i know that i'll contact him on his birthday at the end of the month. but is it too much to wish that he would miss me and contact me first before the end of the month? in fact like 2 weeks ago would have been good dammit!

but i've also got other things to worry bout...

first of all, what should i tell guys who ask me out? initially i thought that the honest way was the way to go. just tell 'em i'm taking some time off from meeting up. but now i'm wondering if honesty isn't the best policy here.

second of all, the alpha game player and i have been chatting a lot. i mean a lot. we're talking 3 hour conversations on the phone daily here. and i can pretend all i want that we're just friends but last night's marathon conversation basically had him telling me that he had a romantic interest in me. but 'coz i know him, i know that our meeting ups thus far aren't really considered as dates. i also know that once he decides that he is definitely interested in one particular girl, he will up his game and ask her straight up. i don't think he's there yet. i'm not even 100% sure that he will reach that decision. heck i don't even know my own decision.

admittedly in our time spent together, i've grown somewhat fond of him. we do get along and make each other laugh (or rather mostly i make him laugh). he's got some good qualities, the main one being that he's got a high moral standard which means that he's not likely to cheat. in a world like this, i think that's important. but there are also other qualities which i'm none too sure bout. i'm tolerant, natural and sunshine and he's predisposed to being bad-tempered, controlled and measured and more sullen. and most scary of all, he reads me like a book which can make me either wanna run to him or run away from him. (he's almost like the mind reader only far less slutty.) i'm just not entirely convinced that we'll be good in a relationship.

and now i have no idea what to respond when he asks to meet up with me. is it a date? is it not a date? aren't i supposed to be on a dating detox? i really have no idea what to do.

technically i still haven't broken the rules

this whole dating detox thing has been leaving me refreshingly free and yet somewhat careful that i'm not breaking any of my pre-determined rules.

on tuesday night, 3 of us ex-colleagues met up for drinks where i shared bout this dating detox. later we hit the club that we usually wind up at. i find that i rather like it there on a weekday 'coz while the live band is playing and still awesome, it's far less crowded and we can actually get some service, seats and more importantly room to dance.

we had a few drinks, sat for a bit, danced for a bit and then sat back down for a bit. it was then that we were busy gawking at a group of guys dancing together. some were obviously tipsy as evident by the way they were channeling something akin to bruce lee martial arts moves on the dance floor. and some others who joined them were the hip hop types with their breakdancing. i've never seen such a big group (nor such an enthusiastic group) of guys dancing together. ever. it was hilarious. and perhaps even kinda embarrassing for 'em when they wake up the next day with a hangover and their friends telling tales of 'em busting out those moves. but for us girls, we were thoroughly entertained.

i wasn't looking to meet anyone. obviously. but this older guy suddenly sat himself down next to me and chatted me up, using the group of dancing guys as an opening line. he was friendly. i was friendly. we chatted. sparks never flew. but he was nice and we had a nice time chatting. turns out he's an australian pilot and he occassionally stops over on my side of the world for a few days. we then chatted bout different clubs in the area and i mentioned one that i like to go but is only good for the weekends 'coz it's dead during the weekdays.

and then the girls decided that they wanted to hit the dancefloor to watch the live band and dance and we joined 'em though i wasn't exactly dancing with him (i wasn't really dancing with the girls either 'coz we were all busy watching the live band) and somehow he disappeared off.

but just before we decided to leave, i saw him in my path so i decided to be friendly and say goodbye. i kinda thought that was it and didn't think too much bout it. well apparently not. 'coz after a good distance away, i suddenly found that he had just come up behind us and told me that the next time he was in town during a weekend perhaps we could all head to the club i suggested. he asked for my number and i gave it (though i never got his and he hasn't tried to contact yet). i must say that i was entirely surprised that he actually walked out of the club, looked around to find out which way i went ('coz there were 4 different ways i could have walked) just to ask for my number. the girls laughed at how among all of the girls, he had to pick the one who wasn't dating.

that reminded me of how i met the swedish guy in the first place. it was in a club where that night i had already decided that i wasn't going to even bother bout any guys. and then i wound up meeting a great guy. where in time to come progressed and then stopped and then i find myself once again trying not to bother bout any guys...

5 days into the detox and...

so i'm back from my short beach holiday with 5 other girl friends and it was a great time. it was amazingly chilled even though we managed to finish the following amounts of alcohol:

• 1 carton of beer
• 1 bottle of red wine
• 1 bottle of white wine
• 1 bottle of champagne
• 2 bottles of macallan
• 2 bottles of vodka

no one got drunk or puked or met anyone or madeout randomly with anyone. then again maybe 'coz we finished all that alcohol by ourselves in the villa laughing and playing card drinking games.

when i got back online again, one of the guys from the online dating site who i have been chatting with for a few months promptly IMed me. after the usual pleasantries, he asked...

guy: how's your schedule to meet up this week?
jo: bout meeting up, i'm kinda taking some time off for a while from meeting up...
guy: okay sure :)
jo: perhaps end april if you still wanna
guy: sure
jo: cool! thanks for understanding :)
guy: if you are not fussy about how a guy looks :)
jo: haha!

we were always talking bout meeting up and one day even actually came really close to it except that at the last minute he cancelled. i pretty much gave up after that and frankly didn't really bother too much bout it either. but all the same i'm glad that i was given a chance to practice my i'm-not-dating-right-now speech. all in all i think it went pretty well.

and then i got to say it proper...

"booty caller": still want our makeout session? :p
jo: so bout that...
jo: i'm making some changes to my life and i think at this point, that isn't something that will be beneficial to me
"booty caller": huh?
jo: yeah
"booty caller": ????
"booty caller": :(
jo: i'm also taking some time off from meeting up
jo: but if you still want to meet and for us to get to know each other better as people and not just a makeout thing then i'm fine after april
"booty caller": after april?
jo: yep taking a month off from meeting up
jo: going to concentrate on myself
"booty caller": so make out after a month?
"booty caller": i'm confused
jo: nah i meant that after a month, i will consider meeting up with guys again
jo: but the making out will still be for when something more is established
"booty caller": what happened
jo: nothing happened
jo: i think it was something that should have come bout a long time ago but i just got a lil lost along the way
jo: but now it's time to clean up my act and find myself again

the conversation carried on. where basically he said that it was just a kiss and that we promised each other and that he would take care of me and that he was waiting so long for me and how he felt conned and asked if i could just go with it for one last time. what a stellar guy. but i held my ground. and i told him bout how him just wanting a makeout session and seemingly thinking that i'm just good for that and not wanting to get to know me as a person made me feel used. i don't think he understood at all or didn't even try to.

i think there's a very high chance that i won't hear from him again. especially since he suddenly went offline after telling me that he didn't think of me that way and that if he just wanted a makeout then he would have met me a long time ago. yeah except that he's forgetting that i've always been the one holding him off on the meeting up. anyhow no loss since we never really established anything more than just flirty IMing on his part bout making out. we never met each other. we never even exchanged phone numbers. it's like in each other's world, the other doesn't even exist. he may hate me for thinking that i led him on. he may in time learn to respect the fact that i respected myself. it doesn't matter. all that matters is that i think i just took a big step in the right direction. and i'm immensely proud of myself for that.

but it doesn't help me to stop thinking of the swedish guy. i thought bout him even while i was away. it's frustrating really. and it's really depressing to know that he probably doesn't really care too much bout me anyhow.

and then there's the case of the alpha game player confusing me. he calls or texts me almost everyday. it's like we're just friends. and yet i'm not so sure. especially with his occasionally flirty texting or IMing bout how he was so lonesome when i was away. and yet we've technically never had a date. just 3 dutch meeting ups. maybe it's just all a game. and even if it weren't, i'm not sure how to take it.

i also learnt that my best friend's divorced 60 year old mother just found a boyfriend (her first since the divorce a few years ago. and he is 10 years younger to boot). she's great and deserves to be happy and while i'm happy for her, i can't help but think that there must definitely be something wrong with me if it takes me longer than she does to find someone.

i really wished i could escape from all these feelings inside me...

it's either sink or swim

in the past year i've felt that there were a number of times where my mojo kinda just packed up and took a vacation. in fact on friday night, my party girl and i discussed this and were both shocked at how little new men we met last year. we concluded that there was hence a direct corelation to the amount of alcohol we injested and the men we were able to meet.

so when i lose my mojo, i seriously think that my "game" tanks. nevermind the fact that i usually have no "game" to speak of to begin with. and frankly, i had almost gotten used to not having any mojo (not that i'm happy bout it but i had just bout began to embrace it) so friday night really surprised me. it was like my mojo came rushing back. it was swim all the way like michael phelps on his way to his olympic gold medals.

i met up with my party girl for dinner and then headed to a bar where we knew that in all probability a few of the old regulars who used to hang out at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar would be there. they were. and we just hung out there chilling and chatting.

it was there that i met this 21 year old local guy of mixed ethnicity. yes, i realise that i know how to pick 'em young ones haha! honestly i don't think there was any other interest on both our parts other than friendship. we just got along really well and was chatting the whole night. heck, we chatted more than i have ever done so with any of the other guys i've known for years. before my party girl and i left, we exchanged numbers where we were supposed to catch each other again later in another bar. however that didn't happen and he called later and said that perhaps we'd hang out the next day. well he definitely seemed cool enough so why not? (except that in the week the whole weekend passed and he didn't contact me again. oh well.)

so my party girl and i head on to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. that place is no longer the place that i knew and loved. the owner changed (though i know the new owner as well... he's the older guy whose girlfriend is a bisexual who i've kissed before), the name changed and the whole vibe of the place changed.

we sat ourselves at the only 2 places available by the bar which happened to be right in front of te dj console. cozy hole-in-the-wall bar's new owner's son has been spinning there for a while. and so technically he should have seen me around before. but for some strange reason, this was the first time when he hit on me.

he kept looking at me and smiling and touched my hand and held my face in his hand while he said that i was very beautiful. he asked for my business card and i don't like the whole giving out business card thing 'coz the last thing i want is a relative stranger to know is my full name and work place. so when i said that i didn't have one with me, he then asked how to find me via the online social utility site. (which btw he didn't)

now, this guy is a cutie. granted, he's gotten less cute as time passed, but a cutie nonetheless. but he's also an immense player. oh the stories i've heard bout him. so while i'm definitely not gonna be suckered into his game, a part of me is happy that at least a player thinks i'm beautiful (please ignore the fact that that just makes me sound like such a loser). the dude has a girlfriend who is both hot enough to be a beauty pagaent queen and yet brainy enough to be a vet. obviously his girlfriend wasn't there that night. he asked me and my party girl to a house party after and while initially we said yes, later we decided to head on to another club to meet up with another friend.

and so we made our way to the other club. we met up with our friend who then decided that she was leaving. and we ran into another guy who we knew years ago and haven't seen in years. and then this guy approached me asking me to dance.

i love to dance and he's a great dancer and so we danced a lil. but i was also a lil worried that my party girl was alone so i kinda made sure that we were always around her. i really wanted to let loose and dance but it was slightly annoying that the club was so crowded that there wasn't any room for that. the guy was pretty fun though i wasn't particularly attracted. he talked bout wanting to kiss me and i'm glad that i didn't go with that. in the end he kinda got lost in the crowd somewhere.

so i guess even though seemingly i swimmed, technically i really sank... and the one person i really wanted to swim with... well i tanked.

i have no idea what's going on with the swedish guy. in the end we did meet on sunday... but 'coz (sad to say) i texted him on saturday asking if we were still on. he hadn't heard back from his friend (that's my excuse for him) but once he did, he texted me later that night to say that we were on with our plans.

we had lunch near his place and then headed back to his place to watch an old movie. and then we headed back out again to town 'coz he needed to buy some books for his bookclub reading. honestly i'm not sure what to make outta it. granted he was pretty tired out but yet i'm not sure if it's maybe just that he's not as interested as he might have been before.

i can't help wondering if it's me. am i not interesting enough? sometimes i do feel like i don't have heaps of different interests to make me seem like a really interesting individual. am i not pretty enough? am i not whatever enough?? but then i try and convince myself that i am enough... though frankly it doesn't always work.

it's tough. tougher 'coz i had this sudden realisation that crap! the swedish guy has creeped into my heart. yes, he has joined the ranks of dj guy and drummer boy to make it to my heart.

and i hate it. 'coz it makes me vulnerable. it's especially bad when i'm having this feeling that he's not interested the way i am. i'm basically screwed... and not in a good way.

i'm fighting the incredible urge to just have a random makeout... maybe with the "booty caller" since he's the one that i think i can count on to be still interested in that. and yet i fight it 'coz a part of me is still holding out for the swedish guy. for whatever reason, i don't know.

well i'm the fool. hence i'm the one that's drowning...

i'm serious when i say that i just don't know

honestly i just have no idea at all. no idea what to think or how to feel. in fact i think i'm too tired out to even think in complete paragraphs.

so here's what's been kinda happening so far...

• i texted the swedish guy on wednesday to ask how he was feeling (he was sick on monday) and told him to let me know when he was well enough and free enough to meet up
• he replied that we could meet that very night
• i told him that i was busy and suggested thursday
• he replied that he was looking to watch a swedish vampire movie and invited me to join, mentioning something bout trying to get a small group together for dinner and the movie
• i declined 'coz while i'm curious bout a swedish movie, i don't do horror movies
• i had a chat with my friend who told me that if i was really interested in him, i could try and step it up before i went on my short beach holiday trip next wednesday
• i took her advice
• i texted him on thursday to ask if he was free on sunday or monday
• he replied that he was free that night
• turns out the movie thing got cancelled... but i was a lil disappointed that he didn't think to contact me when his plans freed up
• but we met up
• i was told to surprise him on where to go for dinner
• i eventually decided on a cozy sandwich cafe that i went once before half a year ago and wasn't even sure if i could still find it
• turns out that he was in fact always wanting to try that place so i guess that coincedence worked out
• after dinner we headed to his fave beer bar near his place
• despite a shaky conversation start in the beginning, we really had great conversation later over drinks
• we even talked bout meeting up on sunday (he wasn't sure if he was meeting some other friends) for a movie day at his place

and here's the thing...

• i'm not in "love" or anything but i'm very interested though sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm not as interested as i think
• but if that's the case, it's only 'coz i have no idea how he feels and i'm just trying to be self preserving
• i have no idea how he feels
• seriously i have no idea. how does one know these things??
• he travels waaay too much... and it's for leisure. i mean the guy can't seem to just stay here for a weekend!
• he has soo many friends and social stuff going on
• and yet he's said before that he thinks that what's missing in his life is a steady girlfriend and that he thinks he's ready for one
• then again he admitted that he doesn't fall in love easily and that he will need to think more when it comes to the next girlfriend

by the way did i mention that i just don't know?