Wednesday, November 11, 2009

like an ostrich with my head in the sand

we all have our pasts. and while i'm essentially a level-headed, considerable virtuous and a totally late bloomer type of girl, i am somewhat ashamed to admit that i do have some sort of a past.

it was as a result of the partying lifestyle that i adopted since 2005 till the end of last year. where i found myself randomly kissing strangers and friends amongst other things. it seemed like i was always seeking a new high and felt like i was leading a somewhat self-destructive life 'coz when i thought bout it, i always knew that this wasn't what i really wanted for myself.

i did some things which i'm not proud of and some other things which i can't ever talk bout 'coz it was too wrong for my own conscience to even wrap around.

i always knew that i wouldn't ever really divulge this time of my life to whoever my partner would wind up to be. honestly i doubt that he would really want to know anyway. i remember a conversation the alpha boy and i once had when we were then just friends. he was curious as to how many guys i had kissed. the number of girls he's kissed was a very modest less than a handful (despite getting a much much much earlier headstart than i did). and while i admitted that mine was more than twice his, i didn't dare to admit to just how much more.

we don't talk bout this. but he knows that i've certainly had some colorful moments. he just doesn't know how colorful some of them might have been. though honestly it's nowhere as exciting as most others, it's just that in comparison to him and what my true prudish nature is like, it just seems like a big deal.

the alpha boy can't ever know some of these things. ever. i worry that if he does, it will forever change his impression of me and that would be something i want to avoid. in any case, those times weren't really a reflection of the real me.

so i just like to pretend that all that never happened.



At 11:18 PM, Blogger Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

But when you say, thats not what you're really asking each other is it? I couldn't count how many people I've kissed, not a clue. My boyfriend has probably kissed just as many. But I don't care about that number. Kissing boys and boys kissing girls...that's just growing up. Thats just kissing. Now how many people he's had sex with, that's a whole other matter and one discussion I don't want to have. Although most of the time, we pair ourselves with those similar to ourselves so often the number is really not a surprise.

At 12:59 AM, Blogger jo said...

please don't eat with your mouth open: actually when i say kissing, i really mean kissing haha! i'm not entirely sure how many people i've kissed but i kinda have a rough ballpark figure. and so does the alpha boy. and his is far less than mine. i don't necessarily have a problem with that but i hate to admit that i have done my fair share of random kissing and kissing of the wrong people, both of which i'm not exactly proud of.
as for how many people he's had sex with. well i chose not to ask that question though from conversations, other inferring and knowing him, i kinda knew his number. it was only recently confirmed but no surprises there. and yeah i think you're right in that most of the time we pair ourselves with those similar to ourselves. well okay except for the kissing bit in this case haha!

At 11:40 AM, Blogger Dater at Large said...

I've always been a firm believer that a lot of one's dating past is totally irrelevant to their dating present, and therefore none of your current bf's business. Not all, but most.

What matters is the relationship you are having, how you behave to your current boyfriend.

You shouldn't feel bad about your past and about not sharing it with your current. And you shouldn't worry about his past, either.

At 12:22 PM, Blogger jo said...

dater at large: i agree with you that the past is largely irrelevant. but i admit that i do think twice when i find out that a potential guy has cheated on a previous girlfriend before. or if i know that he's been quite promiscuous.

At 9:50 PM, Blogger Kate said...

I agree with DAL I mean no matter what you were doing before it is who you are now that matters. I certainly went though a bit of a wild stage following breakups in the past. I suppose I feel everyone has a past as long as they are faithful to me now and are finished with all that it is fine.

Kate xx


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