the draft series: dec 2006

****

original date: 08 dec 2006
title: untitled

yesterday was a long, busy and tough day at work. i was spent and in a lousy mood by the time i left the office. i was supposed to meet some friends for dinner but i concluded that i was in no way able to socialise effectively without having a drink first.

so i popped into a bar that i used to frequent which was conveniently located near the dining place i was supposed to meet my friends at. incidentally this was the very same bar that i went to for my first (and previously only) drink alone in a bar after a particularly messy crash and burn with prick04 back in 2004.

there must be something bout that bar. as i sat there totally alone with the red wine coursing through my veins, i began to relax.

and then i began to think.

the day before i had met up with my friend hunnybear (who incidentally was one of the friends i was going to meet that night as well) to catch up with her after she had quit her job and went to visit her new boyfriend in new york for a few weeks. i don't always get the chance to talk to her but whenever i do, i always feel pretty open. which in itself is pretty rare since i'm not known for my self disclosure (though if you've been reading this blog, you probably couldn't tell).

one of things we talked bout was the articulation of emotions. it was the very thing that her new boyfriend had impressed her with. his ability to articulate his emotions effectively. the same ability which she herself feels she lacks. i thought bout my own self and shared that perhaps i too was the same. hunnybear and i have always been pretty similar in a lot of ways.

she then asked me if it was 'coz i wasn't aware of my emotions or was it just that i found it hard to articulate 'em. hunnybear usually asks a lot of interesting questions and i always find her questions rather thought provoking. i thought bout it some and shared that perhaps i wasn't as 'emotional' 'coz i didn't dare to let myself feel and experience my emotions too much.

and this was what i was thinking bout as i sat alone in the bar yesterday evening.

what was it that made me scared to feel and experience my emotions too much.

****

hunnybear and i have pretty much lost contact but i know that she has since married that then new boyfriend and they welcomed a baby girl bout a year ago.

other than that, i don't know if much has changed since then. maybe a slight tendency to be repressive is my natural resting state. or maybe i'm just scared to be vulnerable. or maybe that's just what happens after facing rejection so many times.