the draft series: dec 2006

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original date: 08 dec 2006
title: untitled

yesterday was a long, busy and tough day at work. i was spent and in a lousy mood by the time i left the office. i was supposed to meet some friends for dinner but i concluded that i was in no way able to socialise effectively without having a drink first.

so i popped into a bar that i used to frequent which was conveniently located near the dining place i was supposed to meet my friends at. incidentally this was the very same bar that i went to for my first (and previously only) drink alone in a bar after a particularly messy crash and burn with prick04 back in 2004.

there must be something bout that bar. as i sat there totally alone with the red wine coursing through my veins, i began to relax.

and then i began to think.

the day before i had met up with my friend hunnybear (who incidentally was one of the friends i was going to meet that night as well) to catch up with her after she had quit her job and went to visit her new boyfriend in new york for a few weeks. i don't always get the chance to talk to her but whenever i do, i always feel pretty open. which in itself is pretty rare since i'm not known for my self disclosure (though if you've been reading this blog, you probably couldn't tell).

one of things we talked bout was the articulation of emotions. it was the very thing that her new boyfriend had impressed her with. his ability to articulate his emotions effectively. the same ability which she herself feels she lacks. i thought bout my own self and shared that perhaps i too was the same. hunnybear and i have always been pretty similar in a lot of ways.

she then asked me if it was 'coz i wasn't aware of my emotions or was it just that i found it hard to articulate 'em. hunnybear usually asks a lot of interesting questions and i always find her questions rather thought provoking. i thought bout it some and shared that perhaps i wasn't as 'emotional' 'coz i didn't dare to let myself feel and experience my emotions too much.

and this was what i was thinking bout as i sat alone in the bar yesterday evening.

what was it that made me scared to feel and experience my emotions too much.

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hunnybear and i have pretty much lost contact but i know that she has since married that then new boyfriend and they welcomed a baby girl bout a year ago.

other than that, i don't know if much has changed since then. maybe a slight tendency to be repressive is my natural resting state. or maybe i'm just scared to be vulnerable. or maybe that's just what happens after facing rejection so many times.

the draft series: nov 2006

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original date:17 nov 2006
title: untitled

lately due to some radio ad i keep hearing, i've been thinking bout first kisses.

the thing is, i don't really remember my first kiss. i don't believe i ever tried to kiss any boys when i was a kid. or if i did, i certainly don't remember. i'm a really late bloomer so as far as i can recall, i believe my so-called my first kiss was with a total stranger in the club. a cuban (i think) guy who's full name i never got (and the part of his name i did get, i'm not sure if it's his first or last name). all i know is that he works on a ship and has wicked dance moves.

maybe that might have set the tone for the future of club kissing. in fact my so-called second kiss was in that same night. it was the cuban guy's spanish fellow ship worker friend. actually i'm not even sure which spanish guy it was 'coz there were 2 and i later kept in touch for a while with one of 'em. i think it was that guy but i probably won't ever really be certain.

but see, this is what i think... i think i've never been kissed. i mean sure i've been kissed and some even by guys i was seeing, but i've never really been kissed.

it's kinda like what drew barrymore's character says in the movie never been kissed:

"that thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realise that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."

even though i've never been a real geek, i sometimes feel like drew barrymore's character. a working adult in her mid 20s who somehow missed out on some of those 'life experiences' as a teenager.

****

reading back on this now, i think i did try and kiss some boys when i was a kid. i can't imagine why i didn't remember this since i remember my parents laughing and telling me bout this. i was apparently a rather forward little girl to one particular boy who i think has since grown up to be a none too attractive fella haha!

but that said, i don't know if i can say that i've ever felt that way in a kiss like how drew barrymore's character put it. sure, my first kiss with the alpha boy was pretty special especially since it was the first time i ever kissed anyone for the first time who was a boyfriend. and before that, i hadn't kissed anyone in bout 3 months which was quite a long lull period for kiss-slut me back then. but honestly, over 2 years later now still with the alpha boy, i can't say that there are fireworks everytime we kiss.

maybe all that fairytale romance and kisses are all fiction?

the draft series: oct 2006

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original date: 18 oct 2006
title: the intimacy timeline

when i was young... waay before i had any real contact with guys... i used to have what i now call the intimacy timeline.

somehow i thought that physical intimacy with guys had to go through stages. one step at a time.
1st step: find a boyfriend
2nd step: holding hands
3rd step: holding waist / thigh
4th step: kiss on the cheek / forehead
5th step: kiss on the lips
6th step: french kiss
7th step: marriage
8th step: sex

but in reality, oh man did those steps get all jumbled up.

the first thing i've noticed is that the 1st step: find a boyfriend doesn't even need to be satisfied in order to progress to the other steps. the 4th step: kiss on the cheek / forehead is usually more of a friends thing. the 5th step: kiss on the lips tend to be more of a grey area. where it's like you're friends and yet not quite just friends. and the 2nd, 3rd and 6th steps are usually all lumped together where the 2nd step is likely to be missed out very easily. and i didn't take in consideration the forgotten step: groping which in itself could be split into a few steps.

as for 7th step: marriage coming before 8th step: sex. well let's just say that while that's a lovely and romantic idea, it's not exactly the most commonly popular behavior.

sometimes i wish for those innocent and naive young days where things seemed more black and white. where things progressed at a steady pace instead of a hop, skip and jump. it would probably be less confusing.

i think that would be nice.

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i still think it would be nice. maybe not usually realistic but nice. and i'm glad that for the most part, the alpha boy and i followed that timeline. or at least the 1st step was actually our 1st step which i thought was refreshing and sweet.

as for everything else? yeah well that was jumbled...

the draft series: sep 2006

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original date: 21 sep 2006
title: the guys in myspace

yes, i have a myspace account. but i hardly go on there and don't even pimp my page. all i have is a bare bones page with some normal pics posted. but somehow it seems that whenever i have logged into myspace to check a message or comment that one of my actual friends have left, i get a flood of messages from random guys immediately after.

i think there is something innately wrong with the guys in myspace.

sure every now and then i get a message from a random guy who seems nice and normal...

"you don't know me but i was hoping you could help me real quick. i'm likely moving to *where i am* within a few months and i am just trying figure out what life is going to be like over there"

"i'm going to *where i am* and i just saw your profile and you looked cool so i thought i'd ask you about *where i am*... what can i do when i go there??? your photos are very cool by the way"

apparently my version of the nice and normal random guy is one who asks me for tour guide advice haha!

but more often than not, i'm getting messages and requests to be friends from guys who are just plain weird.

first of all, i do not understand why would some guys request to be my friend when they haven't even sent me a message. and a message simply saying hi is not really a message. it just shows that they have no idea what to even talk bout.

then there are there are the flattering messages...

"i think you are beautiful. i think you looke good with the *my hair style*. i wish i could meet you for a couple night on the town..."

i never understood if he meant 'couple of nights' or a 'couple night'. either way i wasn't interested. plus his big burly muscles scared me off.

"noticed you big expressive eyes and sweet wide smiles..."

i have neither big expressive eyes nor sweet wide smiles.

"dearest pretty, how are you today? hope you are cool... pls could i know more about you. i will like us to be friends and know ourselves too well..."

dearest pretty? that's just too funny. and no thanks, i already know myself too well...

"hey lil mama... looking darrn fine i had 2 send a shadout!... darrn kip doin wat u doin babygurl... hit me aite..."

i couldn't figure out if he had really bad spelling or if he was just too ghetto.

then there are the job ads kind of messages...

"would you like to join me as a *car brand* sales exec? i thought you have the looks which plays some part in car sales industry."

"wanted to let ya know that im doing the latest *sports shoe brand* photoshoot. if ya interested, let me know ASAP"

and of 'coz the inspiring messages...

"hi joe! liked your profile! hope your career will grow from strength to strength, year by year, and always trust yourself when you make major decision in your life. give as much as you would like to receive in this world, and always take care and protect the helpless"

wow! i may not know him but i'll take that blessing on my career anyday. but if he was trying to be my friend, maybe he would have liked to get my name right... it's jo not joe... i'm not a man...

and the obviously forwarded chain messages...

"sweet words are easy to say, sweet things are easy 2 buy, but sweet people are difficult to find. life ends when u stop dreaming, hope ends when u stop believing, love ends when u stop caring, friendship ends when u stop sharing. so share this with whom ever u consider a friend. to love without condition... to talk without intention... to give without reason ... and to care without expectation... the heart of a true friend..."

hands up to those who actually read that. i didn't. i lost him halfway.

"LOVE starts with a SMILE , grows with a KISS , and ends with a TEAR. DON'T cry over anyone who won't cry over you. good FRIENDS are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget. you can only go as far as you push. ACTIONS speak louder than words..."

yadda yadda yadda... he wrote so much that i think he must have compiled every chain letter he had into one message.

a variation on that would be the compilation of pickup lines...

"you know what i think? i think it should be illegal for someone to be as beautiful as you. i'm that guy your mom warned you about. but hey, we both know that you never listened to her... anyway... you probably couldn't handle me, but i thought i'd give you a chance anyway"

i thought that maybe i don't wanna take that chance.

of 'coz there had to be the propositioning ones...

"i'm a funloving guy looking to enjoy life to the fullest with no regrets or strings attached. BUT i'm attached and only looking for discreet pleasures"

i'm guessing his girlfriend doesn't have a myspace account

"im interested in initiaing an intimate love or dating with u. the type that will usher us into marriage"

whoa! dude are you mad! i don't even know you...

i think the best one is this one...

"application for friendship: hi! i am glad to come across you. are u willing to stop and take a look at my profile and decide if i am the type of friend you want?? please drop me a line after you have fully read through my profile and think i can be a worthy friend to u."

that got him this response from me...

"hi! your application for friendship has been reviewed. i'm pleased to inform you that upon succeeding to crack me up and the addition of cute animals pics, your application has been approved. however it must be proven that you are indeed not a hamster. have a nice day!"

after a while we stopped messaging. not that i care.

then take a look at these guys... some don't put up pics of 'emselves which i feel isn't very fair especially if they get to see mine. those who do put up their pics look like some pervert or narcissist. i do not need to pics of their huge biceps. and then there are others who state their age as 91, 99, 101. why on earth would someone even think of doing that? that's not even funny.

but what most of these guys have in common are their friends. they don't have any male friends at all. and all their female friends look like porn stars. short of 'em working in the adult entertainment industry, how likely is it that they only know female porn stars lookalikes? and even more disturbing of all... which part of me looks like a porn star?? in case that wasn't enough of a rhetorical question, let me clarify that the answer is none at all.

i guess that places like myspace are just a breeding ground for weirdos...

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a really long one. i'm amazed at myself... that took a fair bit of compiling to come up with this. obviously now most everyone just uses facebook instead myspace. srangely enough, i haven't come across as many weirdos in facebook...

the draft series: aug 2006

there are times in life where you start something off only to abandon it along the way. some are mere shadows of what you envisioned it to be while others seemed rather complete just as it was but for some reason still didn't make the final cut and was left forgotten.

i was looking through my blog posts from the past and realised lying in between over 5 years of relatively regular posts were those that never made it to be published.

seeing as how my current life has pretty much essentially turned (i dare say it...) boring, i thought i'd dig up these lil "gems" and finally post 'em for all the world (or just my tiny group of readers) to see.

what better place to start then right at the beginning... with the very first draft post that didn't make it...

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original date: 25 aug 2006
title: untitled

i'm not much of a girly girl. if anything i'm probably more rock chick. i don't like too much mush but i like teen flicks. it's almost as though i never quite grew up from those teenybopper years. of 'coz my theory is that i must have missed out on a lot of those 'life experiences' or whatever and hence am trying to 'relive' 'em through the movies.

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5 years may have gone by but i'm still a big lover of my teen flicks. maybe i'm "reliving" vicariously the "life experiences" i never had. or maybe i just have a peter pan syndrome.