so maybe that's just like me...

i know i said that i was gonna pull away from drummer boy... but i seem to be failing at that.

i've texted him, IMed him and heck even practically just bout asked him out on saturday. on his side, he's responded to the texts and IM and he's meeting a friend on saturday.

however, he's free on friday night.

and i'm doing everything in my power to not even suggest meeting up then. i'm supposed to meet up with my party girl and some of her friends for dinner and drinks. frankly for some reason i'm not really looking forward to it. but then again should i really give up meeting with my friends for him again? i mean even after he's gone from my life, my girlfriends will still be around (hopefully).

not that he's asked me out for friday... 'coz he hasn't.

seriously this hurts. and it's so hard. half the time i can't get him outta my head.

i've been listening to crossfade's invincible. there's something bout the lyrics that speak to me...

i memorized all the words for you
but if you only knew
how much that's just not like me
i wait up late every night
just to hear your voice
but you don't know that's nothing like me

i think it's precisely the whole "this is just not like me" element that keeps repeating in the song that my emotions are relating to. the way i feel for drummer boy, the way we always text or IM, the way that i actually more or less opened up bout my feelings, the things i do... it's not really like me.

but maybe it's always been in me. maybe in the grander scheme of things, the only purpose of this pseudo relationship with drummer boy was to make me realise that i can feel and do all that.

it still doesn't make the pain any less...