somewhere between dreams and destiny

when drummer boy and i do get a chance to have an engaging conversation (and by that i really mean via IM), we do actually have a good time. perhaps it was the aftermath of having run into him after 2 years but recently i had a dream bout him.

it was a strange and hilarious dream. i don't even remember it all too clearly except that he was living on a boat or something like that and was a father of 3 kids with (no, not me!) his current girlfriend.

something as ludicrious as this meant that i had to tell him. and so i did. with us having a bit of a laugh. and admittedly with him initially thinking that he had those kids with me. ha! he wished!

so we had the ball rolling and the makings of a pretty good conversation going. it then turned into a topic of tarot card reading as an extension of what the bookstore was hosting that day i saw him.

i'm unsure bout these things. i know some friends who regularly gets a reading from some really spot on readers. in fact i myself have gotten a free reading nearly 3 years ago. the scary thing is that a fair bit of what the tarot card reader said to me then actually came true or at least seems to be coming true. both for love and my career.

in a rare moment of honesty (and probably 'coz i don't feel a thing now), i actually 'fessed up to drummer boy that the tarot card reader had told me bout him before he came into my life. yes, he was the guy i would meet and have that exciting relationship with but i would not be able to fully commit to.

but here's the scary thing... the tarot card reader also told me then that she sees my true love coming in a few years and he wouldn't be local. in fact she paused and pondered for a bit after saying that and then confirming again that she's pretty sure he wouldn't be local. i met the alpha boy at the end of that year. and he's local.

drummer boy said that sometimes the reading "expires" so to speak. and honestly i'm too rational and know too well to let such things control my life. but yet, it's something that i can't help but feel is hanging over my head. especially when a recent conversation with my mom (who has nothing against the alpha boy per se) had her mention that someone with my personality and type would have been better off with a non local guy who was open-minded, adventurous and seen the world. and when sometimes i actually agree with her.

go figure this whole things freaks me out a bit.

i'd say hi but i'd rather avoid the awkwardness

the alpha boy and i decided to head to a different mall yesterday for a change. incidentally it's the place where i went with the drummer boy a lot when we were seeing each other previously and i found myself wondering if i would run into him there.

so i don't really mention it here but in the last 2 years that we stopped seeing each other, drummer boy and i have still somehow managed to keep in touch via IM. i've "dated" many guys before and never really kept in touch so it's funny how drummer boy and i did. then again our pseudo relationship was the closest i had to a relationship before the alpha boy so maybe that explains it.

so the alpha boy and i were walking past a bookshop when i realised that it was hosting a tarot card reading. bells went off since drummer boy had since gotten very involved in a tarot card reading group and that very bookshop is the place where drummer boy's girlfriend works in.

i peered in and instantly saw him. he looks pretty much the same. not that i actually thought he would change. i also saw his girlfriend. she looks pretty much the same as the pictures i've seen. she's short, on the heavier side and isn't particularly attractive. i've never been "insecure" bout her in the way that one might be "insecure" bout a new gifrlfriend of an ex. i would have definitely walked in to say hi... after he and i are friends... except that i didn't really want the alpha boy and drummer boy to meet.

later as the alpha boy and i were walking around, i saw drummer boy walking in the opposite direction. thankfully he wasn't paying attention and shortly turned to the same corridor leading to the bathroom that we were intending to go. i slowed my walking pace but we were still headed for that same bathroom except that at the last minute the alpha boy realised that it looked crowded and decided to try a different one in the mall. whew! that was a close shave. it's just one of things where if we all did meet, it would be slightly awkward.

but 'coz drummer boy and i technically are still in touch, i texted him a little later (still in the same mall) to say that i saw him.

here's looking at my changing marriage timeline

i've always wanted to get married. ever since i was a wee child, i knew that i wanted that happily ever after with a guy. what changed was the age at which i thought was marriage appropriate.

it started out with me thinking that 24 - 26 years old was the ideal age range. that notion stayed with me for the longest time... until i started drawing near to that age... marriage was nowhere in the cards. it's kinda hard when you don't even know anyone remotely possible needless to say have an actual boyfriend.

it was then that i revised my age range up by a few years to 26 - 28 years old. there, i thought that was more achieveable. surely i would be more matured and more settled by then. afterall my mom married at 28, i too should be able to hit that age. yeah well think again... there was still nary a boyfriend in sight and i had gotten too used to the single partying lifestyle and was accustomed to hanging out with my single party girlfriends who were in their 30s.

i decided not to think bout it too much but secretly probably pegged the age range to be 30 - 32 years old. in less than 2 months time i turn 30. the big 3. yes, i have a boyfriend of over a year. it looks entirely possible that i could meet my twice-revised to-be-married age range. except that strangely enough, all of this scares me.

i realised that i don't feel old, despite knowing the truth and truth is, i am kinda "old". but i suppose besides looking at least a good 5 years younger than my actual age, i sometimes have a bit of a peter pan complex (even though at the same time, in my typical contradictory manner, i'm rather mature). and oddly enough, i still feel young. too young to settle down in marriage. i feel like so much of my life is still up in the air. i still have a ways to go in my career. i'm not ready for marriage and the responsibilities that come along with it. things need to change but in some ways i'm happy right where i am.

somehow it was strange to hear that drummer boy was talking bout marriage with his current girlfriend of a year. they aren't looking to get married as yet, but it's in the cards in the next 3-5 years. well that's some planning there i suppose as they are starting to look for a suitable place to buy.

the alpha boy and i have talked bout marriage. he more than me. in such conversations, the time frame seems to be in the next 1-2 years though neither one of us are actually planning anything in order to hit that mark. and since there is a fair bit of planning to be done, i'm half likely to think that it's either he suddenly makes a ton of money such that finances isn't an issue or it's a really really small relatively unplanned wedding or marriage in the next 1-2 years wouldn't be possible. i'm not sure what i think of it all. i'm happy with the alpha boy in exactly the stage we are at now.

i still want to get married. that never changed. i just think that perhaps i'm scared to even think of taking that step towards that big giant leap and i still need some time to wrap my head around it.

after it's all over

every now and then, drummer boy and i do engage in some IM conversing. and recently we had one of those again.

it started out with us talking bout our separate love lifes. more him talking than me in this instance. and then it moved on to talking bout older men and younger women. it was then that he made a joking reference if he was the last older guy that i attracted. he was, in fact. since technically he's bout 3 months older than the swedish guy.

and then he went on to say...

drummer boy: oh but i've always wanted to tell u this
jo: what?
drummer boy: it would set my heart at ease
drummer boy: oh i want to say sorry for anything that i did or did not do
jo: aww thanks for that
drummer boy: i really felt really bad abt it

we continued to have a relatively open conversation bout that. i told him that he could have handled it better at the end and caused me less confusion and torment. we both agreed that though we both thought that we got along very well, some part of our communication was lacking especially at the end.

he felt that he really needed to get it off his chest. 'coz he felt really bad especially since he knew that i was a good person. and he didn't want to be hated by a nice person like me. i assured him that i never hated him. nor did i actually ever held a grudge against him. i always still regarded him as a friend.

i also told him honestly that i have no regrets of our time together. at least i've learnt something through it all. and i'm glad that whatever happened or did not happen, we still somehow managed to stay friends.

and i really am.

delete and move on

it's nice how drummer boy and i are kinda friends. obviously we're not the let's talk for hours and meet up regularly kinda friends (and yes, that was a slight dig at the alpha boy's close friendship with the "other woman"), but i would think we're the let's IM occasionally kinda sorta somewhat friends.

recently in one of our IM conversations, he asked me how was the alpha boy and in return i asked how was his love life. turns out he just started seeing someone for less than a month. everything seems to all well and good and his mom thinks she's nice.

i can't imagine why i would be surprised but i suppose in some ways i was. it's silly really. i mean i can't exactly expect him not to move on right? but maybe it's just the usual surprise you feel when someone you used to date or fancy has found someone else.

i'm glad he's happy with his new girlfriend. and i know the way he'd be attentive and the constant texts to her. and the way he would hold her, hug her, kiss her...

it's funny how i should hear this news when i was just in the process of deleting his past texts from my phone. yes, partly laziness and partly inability to really move on has caused me to leave these texts in my phone for far longer than they probably should have been. but they are simply taking too much memory... from my phone and perhaps even from my own memory.

so i guess we've all moved on... and somehow stayed amicable and somewhat reasonably in touch. that sounds better than most of my previous "relationships".

leave the past in the past

for some strange reason, one of the hardest things was to figure a way to tell drummer boy that i'm attached.

given our recent "dealings" with each other, with him asking if he could have another chance and all that IM flirting he's been doing, i felt like i kinda needed to tell him. besides it was getting really hard to keep trying to avoid him. i guess i didn't think it was fair either. but it was hard 'coz of our history, how much he meant to me at one point and also 'coz i still want to be friends with him.

the opening came when we were IMing and he suddenly asked bout what i wanted from my other half. that sparked a bit of a conversation on that when i suddenly blurted.

jo: btw i recently got attached

i'm not sure what i expected. but it was nice to get a rather friendly reply.

drummer boy: serious?? congrats!!!
drummer boy: who's the lucky guy

i didn't really go into it. i didn't really want to and he didn't really persist. but we continued to have a nice conversation bout music and other stuff. all in all wasn't too bad at all. and i feel relieved that i've finally told him.

even if you're going forward, sometimes the past is still there...

yesterday was the swedish guy's birthday. i've always known that i was going to wish him. i suppose it was my own bid to reopen the lines of communication and leave the ball in his court.

jo: hey happy birthday! have yourself a good one :)

he replied.

the swedish guy: thank you!

that wasn't very inspiring. i guess that just bout seals the lines of any possible potential communication?

****

drummer boy has been continuing to try for another chance with me. that was definitely evident in the obvious IM flirting yesterday and asking me out for today. but i was on the phone with the alpha boy and wasn't really able to IM.

i've been trying to avoid having to meet up with drummer boy. i know that at some point really soon, i'll have to tell him that i'm attached. but for some strange reason i find it hard to do so. maybe 'coz it's drummer boy. and that history we have. technically i owe him nothing. he ended it 7 months ago by not replying to my email and acting all weird. but i suppose i still wanna be friends.

****

and a new friend i did make last night. some months ago i got to know this guy from the online dating site. we talked bout meeting up and actually once arranged a day but somehow or another we couldn't meet up till now. he was also the one who was the most understanding when i was going through my dating detox.

this time i was upfront and honest with him bout it being just as friends 'coz i was attached. and he was very cool bout it all. we met up and i had a surprisingly good time. online, he's not always as engaging. in pictures, he's not as attractive. but he surprised me by being more engaging and attractive than expected. we talked bout hanging out again. i think it would be nice to have a platonic guy friend who i don't have some complicated dating past with.

****

the alpha boy did his first sweet random thing by buying me a single red rose when we met up for lunch yesterday.

nevermind that he got the idea when he saw his business partner buying a rose for the lunch date he was having with the girl that he's currently interested in. it kinda hit him that "hmm i should do that for my girlfriend too". he admitted that big gestures and all that aren't really like him to do. but he's practiced. i guess some guys have it, and then some guys are just trained.

for now, it all seems okay with me.

trying to avoid trouble

this still feels unreal and i'm still trying to get used to it. it probably doesn't help that frankly just as we suspected, the alpha boy and i are kinda behaving the way that we've always behaved, relationship or not. i'm not sure if i need more. maybe more attention and more affection? i mean i'm not high maintenance but i'm not really that low maintenance either.

but that's something that i'm not overly worried bout. now, here's something that i kinda am though... the question of other guys.

being single for as long as i have (which is forever), i'm used to going out / flirting / making out with whichever guy without having to think too much bout it at all. i only had to answer to myself and no one else. of 'coz now that i'm attached (sheesh it still feels weird), that is a big no-no.

which is why drummer boy's sudden presence in my life is making it hard. he hasn't been overwhelming but i can tell that he's definitely trying to have another chance with me. and then there's the matter of my party girl's birthday party tonight as well as what was supposed to be a girls night in tomorrow night with my party girl, the yummy mommy and another girl friend but where i suddenly found out that the other girl friend has invited a bunch of swedish boys to join us.

they knew bout my brief time with the swedish guy and she must have thought that hey maybe she'd introduce even more swedish guys to me. which would be all well and good. except that a few of us (crazy) girls and a bunch of swedish guys together in a house... i don't know. maybe i should stay away from such temptation. what's considered as innocent and appropriate flirting? (i'm assuming of 'coz that said swedish guys are even cute to begin with)

and of 'coz when you say swedish guys, i think bout the swedish guy, my swedish guy (nevermind that he wasn't ever really mine to begin with). it's been 5 weeks since we last contacted. i'm disappointed that he didn't even think to remember me for 5 weeks. it's his birthday next week and as a friendly gesture, i would be wishing him. i remember thinking back then bout his birthday and wondering if by that time what might have happened between us. i was even thinking that if we carried on (like we did previously), i would have wanted to do something special to celebrate with him. but of 'coz everything's changed. strangely i had the feeling that it would. i guess i just don't have the greatest faith in men and for the most part think that it won't really last possibly 'coz i've been proven right all the time. the good thing is that at least with the alpha boy, i feel like he's gonna be around for a longer while than the others.

i just have to avoid trouble like the dickens. and even though lately i've been considerably better than i've been before, i have to be even better. or just stay away from alcohol haha!

this eventual reply could just open pandora's box

bout 7 months ago i wrote one of the most open heart-felt emails i have ever written in my life. to a certain drummer boy who left me remarkably confused. an email that he never answered.

since then i've dated and made out with other people or just dated other people or just made out with other people. drummer boy and i have had a few and far between IM conversations, we even met up for dinner once. i've realised that ultimately we aren't suitable for each other. though through it all i suppose a part of me never actually truly got over him. and i suppose a part of him never actually truly got over me either.

who would have thought that bout 7 months down the road, he would finally give me an answer in a particularly engaging IM conversation where we pretty much almost discussed what happened between us (though in typical uneloquent drummer boy fashion).

drummer boy: is it possible to start over and maybe get to know each other again?

i'm not even sure how to answer that. but 'coz i'm better than he is, the best i could do was to tell him that i couldn't quite give him a definite answer.

if this came earlier, i would be lying if i said that i wouldn't have been happy to give it another try. but in the light of the alpha game player, i'm just not so sure anymore. that said i could just delude myself into thinking that drummer boy and i are just friends. afterall the alpha game player himself is going out with a girl who is interested in him and who he was interested in. but of 'coz we all know that he doesn't touch anyone who isn't his girlfriend. how does that work again? then again maybe that method really does work...

aren't i supposed to be on a dating detox here??

i've always loved reading and enjoy any chance i can get to sit down and just read. even though it's not necessarily my fave genre, recently i borrowed some chick lit books from an ex-colleague. i read them very quickly and enjoyed it. the problem is this... one of the books was frankly... rather hot.

i'm supposed to be on a dating detox here!

and it's not like i even needed those books (or anything for that matter) for me to remember and miss the swedish guy and drummer boy.

yes, i'm still hung up on drummer boy. somehow. it's crazy and sometimes i wanna slap myself. but yeah the truth is that i still think bout him and miss him and our time together.

hormones. maybe it's all just hormones.

and i blame those darn hormones for me to cheat a lil on rule 9... i IMed drummer boy. but after a one-word unengaging answer, i decided to quit while i was ahead (or rather behind) and not resopnd. i'm trying not to kick myself too much over it.

and i'm definitely trying not to contact the swedish guy. it's seriously hard. i'm practically counting the days since we last contacted. 2 weeks and a day. this is frustrating. i know that i'll contact him on his birthday at the end of the month. but is it too much to wish that he would miss me and contact me first before the end of the month? in fact like 2 weeks ago would have been good dammit!

but i've also got other things to worry bout...

first of all, what should i tell guys who ask me out? initially i thought that the honest way was the way to go. just tell 'em i'm taking some time off from meeting up. but now i'm wondering if honesty isn't the best policy here.

second of all, the alpha game player and i have been chatting a lot. i mean a lot. we're talking 3 hour conversations on the phone daily here. and i can pretend all i want that we're just friends but last night's marathon conversation basically had him telling me that he had a romantic interest in me. but 'coz i know him, i know that our meeting ups thus far aren't really considered as dates. i also know that once he decides that he is definitely interested in one particular girl, he will up his game and ask her straight up. i don't think he's there yet. i'm not even 100% sure that he will reach that decision. heck i don't even know my own decision.

admittedly in our time spent together, i've grown somewhat fond of him. we do get along and make each other laugh (or rather mostly i make him laugh). he's got some good qualities, the main one being that he's got a high moral standard which means that he's not likely to cheat. in a world like this, i think that's important. but there are also other qualities which i'm none too sure bout. i'm tolerant, natural and sunshine and he's predisposed to being bad-tempered, controlled and measured and more sullen. and most scary of all, he reads me like a book which can make me either wanna run to him or run away from him. (he's almost like the mind reader only far less slutty.) i'm just not entirely convinced that we'll be good in a relationship.

and now i have no idea what to respond when he asks to meet up with me. is it a date? is it not a date? aren't i supposed to be on a dating detox? i really have no idea what to do.

when nothing came outta an opened pandora's box

so drummer boy and i have been in contact recently. and yes, granted, there's been some flirty IMing or texting where making out was discussed.

we then decided to have an impromptu meet up.

i haven't seen him in possibly bout 5 months and i was nervous and didn't know what to expect. but it turned out much better than i expected. he was chatty and friendly and teasing me and was generally just like himself... the way he used to be before it went downhill.

despite all the making out talk, there wasn't actually any physical contact. sure he stood pretty close to me at times and one time lightly touched my thigh. but that was bout it. that could have been us on our third date.

i'm not sure if i'm disappointed or not. i mean i never really stopped being attracted to him physically and i admit that a part of me was probably even hoping for a bit of a making out session. but i also know that since the swedish guy, i'm not really into drummer boy like i used to be. i know that drummer boy and i aren't suitable for each other. but especially with things with the swedish guy being in such a limbo as it is, i must just be itching to open pandora's box anyway.

so yeah i'll go out on a limb and say that i was mildly disappointed that nothing happened with drummer boy.

how to deal

there was another one of those event nights during the event where we look for an excuse to drink. i got to know some of the pro athletes’ “helpers / advisors” and some various other people working on the event. by the end of the night we had a group of the core team hanging around drinking and chilling out.

later in the night cutie aussie colleague, a woman from another company that we work with and i decided to head down to a club to meet up with some others including the cute aussie of the namecard giving and his girlfriend (who also happens to be our client contact and she and i have become somewhat “friends”). i hadn’t danced it out in what seems like ages. i reckon dancing wise, it was a pretty fun time. cute aussie of the namecard giving’s girlfriend is fun to party with. but i must say that i was also a bit disappointed...

cutie aussie colleague and the woman from the other company that we work with was joking around a lot and dancing together. it hit me harder when he was dancing behind her with his hands on her waist. that made me feel that much less special when we previously danced together… not that we really danced together this time anyway... and he didn't wrap his arms around her waist or had his hands running down her arms... at least i don't think so... not that i stared... i mean i don’t really have a reason to think that this necessarily means anything ‘coz this woman is getting married at the end of the year. and besides this pro athlete’s “helper / advisor” was doing the same thing with me... okay well he had his arms around my waist... i suppose in part i kinda went along with it ‘coz i was trying to be unphased by cutie aussie colleague and the pro athlete’s “helper / advisor” was cute. but it didn’t mean much anyway since we weren’t ever properly introduced and i reckon we both acted a lil too cool to care when he said goodbye to the rest of the group. i saw him the next morning at the event and at least we acknowledged each other with a smile. i suppose that’s bout it. i can deal.

but it’s harder to deal when you actually like the guy. and like how it’s harder to deal with cutie aussie colleague, it’s harder to deal with the swedish guy not contacting me at all for a week. i really do like that guy and i thought that we had potential. and then nothing. he knew that this was my big week… event week. and you would have thought that he would just drop me a message every now and then to find out how i was. but he obviously doesn’t care or think of me enough.

it sucks. i mean seriously. and i’m pretty much sick and tired of it all. i’m tired with wondering what’s wrong with me that i’ve never been able to find someone. it’s demoralizing. and it’s not like all other areas of my life is going so fabulously well that i should feel that it’s “okay” to be short-changed in this area.

i think i must have been trying in my own way to forget bout the swedish guy (plus the fact that i mean it's drummer boy) 'coz i engaged in some flirty IMing with drummer boy. we essentially kinda agreed that we should make out. i'm not sure if that will ever happen again though frankly i don't mind though logically i probably shouldn't but hey it's drummer boy.

but then that might not serve the purpose of helping me forget all the boys in my life... sometimes i really wonder if i should switch camps and bat for the other team. afterall i did have a very highly ranked lesbian pro athlete checking me out...

dredge up the old memories and make new ones

friday night i met up with my close friend from uni. we had a late dinner and then drinks to just catch up. since we were around the area, we thought to head over to a club where we liked the live band. i guess it also wasn't exactly a coincidence that i particularly liked the idea since i knew that that would be the place dj guy was celebrating his birthday.

it was strange when dj guy and i saw each other. i mean admittedly i didn't quite know what to expect. but even i wasn't expecting this. we hugged long and hard like old friends who hadn't seen each other in ages. well we hadn't seen each other in ages. we didn't get to chat much since he was with all his other good guy friends and you know how guys are.

dj guy's best friend was there. (well you know that story there...) and so was dj guy's best friend's girlfriend. it may seem strange how even after everything that happened, i can still get along pretty well with his girlfriend. dj guy's fiancee too for that matter. it's funny how despite everything, no one's relationship changed. except for mine and dj guy's of 'coz.

but i guess some things still don't. we hugged frequently. and he called me 'sweetheart' like he usually does. he ruffled my hair and kissed my head/cheek. and i'm reminded of how no matter what, there's probably always just gonna be something there between us. as my party girl and the yummy mommy said before, we just have a soft spot for each other.

****

after bouts of phone tag and postponings of meeting ups, i finally met up with the guy from the online dating site on saturday.

we arranged to meet at a bar for drinks and after half an hour, i was glad that he had declined meeting for dinner 'coz it would have just prolonged my suffering. i wasn't attracted to him... which honestly from his pictures, was something i expected. and while he seemed seemingly nice enough there were things that irked me. in essence, i was uncomfy with the way he seemed to treat the staff at the bar. he repeatedly asked for his drink or his change barely after 5 mins of taking his order or paying the bill. and he seemed unnecessarily impatient with 'em.

he also seemed to have an array of questions to quiz me on from "what was the reason for your screen name" to "tell me more bout your family". i asked him some stuff in return but frankly i didn't really care to know. i just didn't want him to know too much bout me.

and while i'm not necessarily an uber prude, i wasn't comfy with him touching me 5 mins after we met. his frequent touching of my arm, squeezing my thigh, putting an arm around me, rubbing my fingers or touching the neckline of my top annoyed me. and hence i nicknamed him touchy brit even though frankly i practically can't be bothered to nickname him.

1.5 hours later at 10pm, touchy brit suggests that we leave 'coz he's tired. and then a few minutes later changes his mind and asks if i would like to have another drink. i nearly wanted to just end the night and my increasing annoyance. but at the same time i was hoping to at least have some fun so i suggested the place next door. touchy brit had talked bout wanting to go there and i had been there once with the swedish guy for comedy night on halloween and loved the band there.

the night picked up for me as i listened to the band. but the whole night i was just thinking bout the swedish guy. from the glenmorangie whisky i drank (the swedish guy first introduced me to that brand) to the club where the swedish guy and i had our first "date". my thoughts were definitely on him. even while realising that there were an array of guys who were checking me out even though i was with another guy.

but then my thoughts quickly shifted to drummer boy when i got his text. i can't remember getting a text from him in bout 4 months. and it's not like it was a drunk booty call either. it was just a text of which the intentions i have no idea.

so admittedly we flirted a wee bit. well at least i flirted a wee bit. what could i do? i was a lil bored and i mean it's him, it's drummer boy. and later when i was alone, for some reason or another... maybe i had some alcohol or maybe for the simple reason that it's him, it's drummer boy... i cried a lil. 'coz it's him, it's drummer boy. and i can't ever truly forget him.

let this be another lesson to learn

it's almost weird how recently drummer boy and i have been back in kinda contact... well at least we're sorta IMing at times. but now that i'm interested in the swedish guy, how i feel bout drummer boy is different.

not that i don't still like drummer boy. 'coz i do. and if there's anything to go by, my recent dream would probably say it all. i dreamt that i was hanging out with his friends and he was there with his new girlfriend (btw i have no idea whether or not he does have a new girlfriend or is seeing anyone in real life). admittedly even in my dreamscape, it still felt strange for me. seeing him with his arms around another girl, kissing her. it was hard for me.

but i guess i have more or less made peace with the fact that no matter what, he will probably always have a special place in my heart. i can know that we won't work out, i can accept that it's for the best and i can even like someone else... but i can't ever truly forget him.

it's kinda the same way i feel bout dj guy. there's always just gonna be something there. and i remember him even more so today... on his birthday.

i texted him to wish him... just like any other friend. he didn't reply. yeah well when would i learn?

'coz really, there are other things going on too

i've been a lil too wrapped up in the swedish guy to really mention anything else in my lil quiet world of "dating" so no time like the present... heads up, it's a looong one.

****

since the first time the alpha game player and i met up, we've met up again for dinner. fast food. dutch as usual. and he's also been texting or calling me or asking me out. don't get too excited, afterall i'm not... i'm quite sure that somehow we've gone straight into the whole buddy thing. whatever, i suppose.

****

quite a few years ago my best friend and i signed up for speed dating. but due to a gender imbalance, it was cancelled. a month ago, a friend of mine and i signed up for a dinner "matchmaking" event. it was cancelled due to a gender imbalance.

seriously with 2 strikes, i'm not sure i'm cut out for this.

it was funny when recently that friend (who is a journalist) called me up with the intention of doing a valentine's day article on this and getting some quotes from me. i mean how did that happen? me being the "spokeswoman" for having tried to be proactive and put myself out there and having failed twice?

maybe the real reason for the gender imbalance is that there just isn't any men out there who are willing to try "matchmaking" events.

****

bodybuilder friend: hey there just wondering but will it always take months to see you one time?

omg! where the heck did that come from? what to respond? what to respond?!

jo: haha! nah... normally it shouldn't be that bad
bodybuilder friend: is it cause since we don't have common friends and if this continues, this is just getting a bit tiring...
jo: maybe bout the no common friends thing
jo: but mostly 'coz i'm really just busy or tired out

it's true. i've been busy. honestly. i mean work has been demanding a fair bit of my time lately and will only get worst for at least the next month. and with whatever free time i do have left, i have to prioritise. but i guess truth be told, he is low on the priority list.

bodybuilder friend: k no offence to you jo, if really you know we only gonna meet so rarely, just say so now...
bodybuilder friend: cause if it is so, to me it is just gonna be meet once every 3mths
bodybuilder friend: then once every year then sooner or later we gonna lose contact anyway and god knows i never gonna meet your friends and you not gonna want to meet mine

this is where i really started to think that he was being overly drama bout it all. given how busy everyone's schedule is, there are times where friends do meet once every 3 months. granted perhaps not close friends. but it's not like he and i are good friends.

and i don't care to let him meet my friends, nor am i even interested to meet his. in some ways my social life is sacred. i don't just let anyone meet my friends... and i mostly hang out with the girls anyway and it's so strange to bring a guy along especially when it's not like he means all that much to me.

from then on i just wanted the conversation to end. and so i quickly decided that it was time to sign outta IM...

and i'm definitely gonna think a few more times before even wanting to meet up with him again.

****

it was kinda strange the way the serious one essentially just invited himself to join me and some friends for dinner at my friend's house.

i mean it's not like we are good friends. i hardly know him. how can i when we only met once and any IM conversation really mostly just consisted of him saying hi, me replying with a hi and then him going quiet or offline or sending me youtube videos.

****

just when i thought i had lost my mojo... apparently i might still have some left. i went out with my party girl, the yummy mommy and some other mutual girlfriends to a latin club and i got picked up by this guy.

best part is that i didn't even realise that i was getting picked up until he took my hand and wanted to dance with me. i honestly thought that he wanted to lead me to where some of my other friends 'coz i had been looking out into the dance floor hoping to find 'em.

i stupidly exchanged numbers with him and he's called twice since. i missed the first call on purpose but picked up the second one while in the midst of a family dinner and used that as an excuse.

i'm just glad that he's only in town for a few days...

****

there's this local programme on tv where they feature local bands. recently i saw the trailers and i'll be damned but that's drummer boy's band being featured!

i couldn't see him too well in the trailers but there was one unmistakable shot of the whole group and he was laughing.

i remember the laugh. the way he looked. i loved it when he laughed or was being cheeky. that just opened a floodgate of emotions for me all over again.

truth is, i haven't really gotten over him yet. i mean i know why it probably won't work and i do really like the swedish guy and all that, but a part of me still wants drummer boy. it's crazy 'coz we haven't met in bout 5 months and even before that we were only "together" for bout 2 months. it doesn't make sense that i should still feel this way. then again i suppose emotions doesn't always make sense.

and 'coz i have to set myself up like that sometimes, naturally i watched that episode of the local tv programme. i've never seen him play before... he was looking kinda serious as he was working the drumset. later when the host interviewed the lead singer, i reckon that drummer boy's brother (who is the bassist) must have been saying funny things 'coz drummer boy was just cracking up.

he's definitely looking good. and i couldn't help but feel a lil stabbing pain in my heart as it hit me once again that i'm never gonna see his face close to mine again or his arms wrapped around me in a warm embrace again. it was definitely hard.

****

the swedish guy and i haven't contacted since saturday... and i'm wondering if i should contact him 'coz we talked bout heading out in the daytime on saturday.

and yes, incidentally it is valentine's day. if i do meet him, i'm breaking all my usual rules of not going out with a guy (who isn't my boyfriend) on valentine's day. but it was just a lot more casual than that. no big deal. i'm not even sure if it's considered to be any kinda deal. afterall it was more like a "hey let's do this and that and oh hey we're free on saturday and oh look what do you know, it's valentine's day" kinda thing.

besides he's meeting up with his friends for some singles party at night and it's not like he invited me along.

so yeah... i'm not sure if i should try and ask if we're still on for saturday...

****

other than that, there isn't a whole lot going on...

and drumroll...

to the boy who despite beating my heart, still manages to put a beat in my heart...

happy birthday.

of losing a date and gaining another

liking someone gives 'em the power.

i've definitely realised that since i sorta came to the conclusion that i could possibly like the swedish guy.

i mean i actually invited him for drinks and quiz night at a pub with my colleagues on wednesday. since when have i ever done that? okay i suppose let's not read into that too much... after all he texted me and happened to mention that he would be around the area. and out of some weird thing on my part, i invited him along. i guess i also figured that he would be pretty comfy with my international colleagues.

it went well. and the next day he even texted me and we had a lil joking almost flirty text conversation that made me think ooh maybe he does kinda like me.

and then came today. we were supposed to meet up for mini golf and to finish watching the movie we started on the other time. but since he never confirmed the time and place to meet, i had this nagging feeling that the meet-up wouldn't happen. especially after i learnt that he was going to a private party on saturday night.

it was 3pm when he texted me having just woken up. apparently he still remembered that we were supposed to meet. he asked for a raincheck and suggested that we meet next week instead. well okay i suppose. i mean what can i ask for right? that he should have pre-empted that he might not function with too much alcohol and too lil sleep the night before and just decide to ingest less alcohol and get more sleep? yeah well he isn't me.

i was prepared for an entire day curled up in bed with a book when a guy i got to know from the online dating site IMed me asking if had wanted to have an impromptu dinner. "nothing elaborate" he says. yeah well why not since he was willing to come by near my place and i was feeling a lil disappointed at not meeting the swedish guy that i nearly half wished i could meet the "booty caller" for a makeout session to take my mind outta things.

instead i did the healthier thing... which was to meet this new guy for dinner. we had a massively non elaborate dinner and went for ice cream. dutch.

in general i'm not quite sure what to make of him. he's not unattractive or unintersting per se... but it's just that he's so serious. i kept thinking to myself "why so serious?" save for a few and very far between moments where he seemed to show a slightly more humourous side, for the most part the serious one wasn't laughing or smiling.

i guess that might be hard for me since i'm normally quirky and goofy and love a good laugh.

anyhow i can't help but realise that first dates tend to remind me of drummer boy. not that we had a such a memorable, roaring good first date. i mean it was definitely a good first date then but well i've had other good first dates too. no, it's being reminded of what happened after the first date with drummer boy. where essentially he contacted me every day since. it's the follow up that i miss. and oh boy do i miss that.

without you

i think i'm in one of my don't-feel-like-trying moods. i mean i go back and forth on that so many times like a see-saw. but somehow it also teeters on the side of not wanting to try.

sure i've been partying. but while i might have previously attempted to flirt and not beyond a random makeout, now i just seem to stay clear away of any eye contact or guys in general.

sure i've been chatting on IM with a few guys from the online dating site. and some of 'em do seem reasonably nice enough. and some of 'em has asked to meet up. and i have sorta agreed except that no firm date was set.

and yet nope i don't really feel like trying.

perhaps i'm still not truly over drummer boy. i wished i could sing the lyrics of hinder's without you and truly mean 'em.

it's safe to say that i'm ready to let you leave

without you, i live it up a little more everyday
without you, i'm seeing myself so differently
i didn't wanna believe it then
but it all worked out in the end
when i watched you walk away
well i never thought i'd say
i'm fine
without you

heck what am i saying? i know that i'm not truly over drummer boy. and recently the memories have started flooding me again. and the what ifs. and along with 'em some tears fell.

it is arguable that i might not know what love is, but i'm pretty sure that this comes up to one of the closest i've ever felt (or thought i felt) to being in love.

it didn't help when somehow in an IM conversation with my family friend's setup, the drummer boy situation was outlined briefly.

i haven't been chatting with my family friend's setup. not since early last year. and since i found out that he has a girlfriend, i've pretty much decided to avoid contact a lil. so sue me, it still stings a lil 'coz i did have pretty strong feelings for my family friend's setup.

anyhow he initiated an IM conversation recently. and somehow it got to asking bout my love life (or lack thereof as it obviously is) and somehow it led to drummer boy. talking bout it doesn't help it hurt any less.

well turnabout is fairplay and i found out that he's been seeing someone for the last few months. the funny thing is that i have this feeling that she was introduced to him by my family friend... the very guy who introduced my family friend's setup to me.

i think i'm pained till i'm almost numb.

but yet even though i'm still thinking of drummer boy and missing him and not being truly over him is playing a part, there's still something more...

i think i might be interested in the swedish guy. shocker i know. when did "just nice" turn into attraction? and even more shocking of all, when did i morph into a "monogamistic dater"?

this is me we're talking bout. i'm supposed to be more of a "serial dater" type. of 'coz when you've been single for all your lifetime, and happen to meet up with a few guys at the same time (like say 4 "dates" in a week?), then yeah, you're supposedly "serial dating". but apparently somewhere along the way i must have changed without even realising it. i don't even know if that's a good thing. i mean should i be "closing off" options? and yet why bother if i just don't feel it right?

but who knows what the swedish guy is feeling. for me or otherwise.

he admitted that while he's not ready for marriage or whatever as yet, he does think he's ready for a serious relationship (despite all that travelling that he does). and i guess yeah, i think i'm ready for a serious relationship too. only with who, i don't know...

i just want this pain to stop.

reeled back in again

for the second night in an almost row, i received an impromptu IM from drummer boy.

this time an all too friendly query on my work. which then turned into a relatively long-ish IM conversation regarding work and just a bit of what we were up to. same old i suppose. the conversation was nothing to shout home bout, but it was one of the "best" in a long while with him.

my reaction was the expected "oh crap" feeling. oh crap 'coz i can't believe that he's now attempting to be a bit friendly. oh crap 'coz i don't know what's going on. oh crap 'coz a part of me wishes he wouldn't make me suffer. but most of all oh crap 'coz a greater part of me can't help but be glad to hear from him again.

so yes, i admit that a part of me still misses him and a part of me still likes him. it's the part of me that doesn't make any sense at all. it must also be the part of me that is a sucker for pain.

but yet at this point i'm not strong enough to truly let it go. to delete his name from my IM list, to delete his photo from my phone, to delete him from my life.

somehow in some way i must be holding on. holding on to what i don't know. afterall, it can't be hope can it?

missed

on thursday night, i received some texts...

mr. metrosexual: whatcha doing tomorrow evening?
mr. metrosexual: was wondering if u like to have dinner and perhaps catch a movie

i had made plans to meet up with my girl friends. and told him that.

later it turns out he had some big formal industry event thing that he wanted to invite me too. hmm... didn't he say it was dinner and a movie? he didn't say anything bout a ritzy event?

and ritzy it certainly was as i found out in a later IM conversation.

mr. metrosexual: i went alone, so it was quite odd when they announced my name stepping out of the limo and i was alone. ha ha
jo: awww
jo: dang i should have gone
mr. metrosexual: it felt like the oscars. seriously.
mr. metrosexual: red carpet, photographers and all.

dang i should have gone. seriously.

mr. metrosexual: i was dressed like a penguin
mr. metrosexual: our suits and dresses were supplied

now i really know that i should have gone.

mr. metrosexual: it was very... stiff-upper-lip, formal dinner kind of setting
mr. metrosexual: three rows of long banquet tables
mr. metrosexual: we all had hotel accomodations too

and he lives right here in this place. talk bout full pampering.

mr. metrosexual: my esteemed journalistic colleagues thought you might be there actually, cause i told them we went out
jo: they know bout me??
jo: exhibit A... jo
mr. metrosexual: i told them about you, yeah
jo: what did you say bout me??
mr. metrosexual: witty, charming, smart... about the same things i said to you as well

maybe i can try to be insanely attracted to him?

****

maybe "just nice" isn't too bad afterall... i mean why else would i suddenly find myself liking the swedish guy more and more?

we met up on sunday. as usual it was nice. we had coffee, shopped around for sunglasses for him (where the store assistant mistook me for his wife or girlfriend haha!) and then impulsively decided to head to his place to watch a bollywood movie.

the dvd was scratchy so we didn't get past an hour of the movie before it became obvious that we couldn't watch it properly. and then we headed out nearby for dinner, went back to his place and chatted some more and watched some tv.

it was a nice chill out time. we spent a total of 9 hours together. and yet in the 4 hours of us being alone in his apartment, nothing happened. he did attempt to tickle me a fair bit throughout the day. but other than that, there was nothing to hint if he liked me or not.

maybe i was too nervous (as i ususally am) to attempt giving him any come hither eyes.

****

and i was massively nervous when i received an impromptu IM from drummer boy with regards to my IM name. it was part of the lyrics of a song. a song that i like. a song that also reminds me of him.

i can't even begin to say how wildly my heart was beating. i'm surprised and a lil appalled that i should react this way. apparently somehow i still miss him...

getting over him is much much harder than i ever expected...