it's hard

ever so often, i feel a stab in my heart as somehow some small random thing reminds me of drummer boy. it's then that i literally clutch my chest for a moment and verbalise an "ouch".

i know, i can't believe it myself at how long this process is taking. but i suppose it's slightly comforting that the stab is less that of a sharp steak knife (as it was before) and more of a blunt fish knife now.

i'm trying my very best to get past it. and maybe in some weird warped way, i'm hoping to get to know the younger brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. 'coz all thanks to the birthday kissing episode, he's "proof" that maybe my subconscious always thought that i wasn't ready to commit to drummer boy even though i thought i wanted to.

friday night i was out with my party girl and another girl friend of ours. we started off with a very quiet time at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar where we ran into the younger brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. he left soon after but not before we all talked bout perhaps maybe meeting up later to party. that was when i realised that he had my number all along. apparently i must have given him my number on my birthday without even remembering that i did. and apparently he gave me his number but it didn't get saved in my phone (in my defense, my phone does this repeatedly... not save numbers when i clearly saved it).

my party girl, another girl friend of ours and i decided to head to another club to dance and it was suggested that i ask the younger brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar if he wanted to join us. so i texted him and we exchanged a few texts where it was implied that he would be coming over with his older brother and some friends.

he never did. and he didn't text me to let me know either.

but i did have fun dancing it out. and i'm still keeping to my plan of not drinking too much. it's nice to have that natural high from the awesome live band music to be able to dance without being too fuelled. and maybe i'm also learning to be a lil less body conscious or whatever.

there were a few cute guys in the club but well nothing there. the only guy who tried to approach me was this annoying guy who suddenly just stood next to me and wrapped an arm around my waist. i was not feeling that at all. and i just removed his arm and politely pushed him away when he tried to hold my hands to dance with me. he soon moved on to a few other girls. yes, 'coz i'm special like that.

however it was a good night. even though i tried not to think too much bout how the younger brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar didn't come by the club like he said he would or bout how i keep missing drummer boy so much that it hurts.

it's hard.