that elusive spark

i was catching up with a friend for dinner just over a week ago and we had the rare chance to actually really talk. and 'coz when girls get together, we inevitably talk bout guys, that's what we did.

she was kinda surprised and pointed out that despite the alpha boy and i having been together for only a lil over 3 months, we seemed to have talked bout some serious stuff. in turn, i found out that she was still a lil confused bout her boyfriend of over a year.

her boyfriend is this amazing guy. he treats her so well that i'm sure all of us girls can only wish and hope our guys would reat us that way too. he's really nice and handles everything that my rather fiesty friend throws at him. the problem is that i've always known that she's not really all that physically attracted to him. he's actually kinda cute but unfortunately he isn't that tall and has a rather slender built. he could look like her younger brother.

she talked bout how even though she can't imagine her life without him and considers him her best friend, she's actually thought bout breaking up with him 'coz she isn't sure if she feels the spark and wonders if he's just mr. right now.

now there i was being sympathetic with how she was feeling. and really i am. i've always claimed that the spark is very important. but little did i know that i would soon find myself possibly in the same situation... only in the reverse.

over the weekend, the alpha boy landed me with a bombshell. he shared that for the last few weeks, he's been sometimes having some doubts bout us. not that he's not happy with me 'coz he is. but like he wonders if maybe we will still have it as good as now if we were just friends and if we should have just stayed as friends. he loves me, but he doesn't always know if he loves me as a friend or a girlfriend.

he was hesistant in sharing this but decided to 'coz he thought it was only fair for me to know and so that we could try and work things out. he took a risk that i could have broken up with him over this despite him not wanting to break up with me.

now all this pretty much just broke my heart. i was so hurt and surprised 'coz i thought that we were doing pretty well. and also 'coz this seems like a kiss of death. the platonic angle. it's also frustrating 'coz this isn't something that i can actually do or change to fix things.

at the same time i kinda find it strange that he would feel that way. we had a talk bout it and he said that he likes making out with me and all that which generally would mean that we're not platonic. he tried to reassure me by saying that it wasn't as bad as i imagined it to be. it's just that sometimes he has his doubts.

we talked more. and he came to the conclusion that it's probably just early relationship jitters. i mean that i understand. i'm not asking him to be 100% sure right now. i'm not even 100% sure myself. i guess i just thought that if it was just the normal doubts, he shouldn't have phrased it such that it made it seem like he only thought of me platonically. i really don't know. and then i find myself wondering if maybe we aren't that coupley 'coz of this reason and not 'coz we're both not really used to the whole relationship thing (what with me being new at this and him being 7 years outta the last relationship).

but well we've decided that we do love each other (though goodness knows if it's just platonic love for me on his side or not) and are happy with each other and want to work at making this work. i guess i'm just trying not to think too much bout it for now. but it's hard. i find myself almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. and i don't want that shoe to drop...