looking for a complication

i started this blog almost a year ago with the sole purpose to talk bout guys under the protection of total anonymity. and under this safety net, everything that's been recounted here is true. however i admit that just like everyone else, i've chosen to omit some information. and lately i've noticed myself holding back more than usual.

it has something to do with key account executive. and i realised that it's 'coz somehow i'm afraid of being judged. even if it's by people who have no idea who i am (i am actually much more than what perhaps is portrayed here) and who i have no idea who they are.

i've attracted too many attached or married men in my lifetime (okay it may not be a whole lot but any is already too many) and that's really not my thing. i'm not the cheating type nor do i want a guy who cheats. though i have kissed 2 (that i know of) guys that were attached. but in my defense i didn't know then and only found out later... by someone else.

i don't know bout key account executive's marriage status. it's vague but i'm very sure it didn't go well at all. maybe that's my rationalisation of why i can't seem to get him outta my mind. maybe it's the connection we seem to have. that great conversation. those text messages.

i can't help it. but i'm attracted to him. and somehow this particular attraction for him has led to me being more proactive when in the past i've been less proactive with a whole lot more interest. i admit that i was the one to contact him first via email after our initial hitting it off at the work event. i was also the one to boldly give him my number (i already had his) 'coz i knew that i would be away from the office for some time when i was warded. but he was the one to call me twice. i was the first one to text just to let him know that i was going back to work. but then he was the first one to initiate a long flirty text conversation a few days later. he was the one to suggest meeting up. but 2 weeks later i was the one who actually suggested a day to meet up. and he was the one who didn't reply.

yes, i can't believe i did it. i certainly thought bout it long enough but i have no idea where i actually found the guts (or stupidity) to do it. maybe 'coz i was in the fun mood as i was on the way for some ladies night partying with my best friend and other friends. perhaps that's just an excuse. maybe i'm just looking for a complication, trying to push the limit. and it's easier to do that with him 'coz in all probability, it's not a long-term thing. and he's cool enough and almost just like me enough to handle and give the flirty banter.

but i can't believe he didn't reply. i mean all that great conversation and flirty texting and he doesn't reply? a 'no' would have sufficed... i'm a big girl...

****

today (almost a week later) he sent me and a few other colleagues a work email. so he was online at that very moment. i wondered if he would mention anything to me in a separate note. and he did.

he sent me a personal email to apologise. basically he was too busy that he forgot. and he was apologising genuinely from the heart. i graciously accepted his apology but also told him that it would have been nicer if he had remembered earlier.

i guess i'm glad that he did acknowledge it somehow... 'coz even if it was late, a worser thing would have been to totally forget or pretend that i didn't send that text.