this is where we've been and look where we're going

it's amazing how time flies. this blog has been home to my thoughts on dating and relationships for the last 4 over years. and it's grown to become a special and important part of my life which i hide from everyone else in my "real" life.

recently i've been reading through my past entries, looking back on where i've been, how far i've come and it's been an interesting walk down memory lane. some random guys i could hardly remember, others who i wondered what on earth came over me to be so smitten with them, and a few that back then took a shine to me.

but i suppose for the most part, there's no real loss. the guys themselves have moved on. most vanished completely from my life, a select few who i still "keep in touch" with (or at least i still could if either of us wanted to) as technically they are still on my IM or online social utility site friend list, and some others who i make a point to know what's going on in their lives even if they don't always know it (yes, i "stalk" haha!).

it was in mid-walk of this memory lane that i decided to try and hunt down past people that i "dated" randomly, basically the boys that i've mentioned here in the last 4 years. some of them i already pretty much knew where they were at now but others weren't on my friends list (and even after hunting them down, i still wasn't intending to add them) and i thought it would be interesting to try and see if i could even find any information on them.

and here are the results of my find:

dj guy - i may not have seen or talked to him in at least over a year and even back then he was already engaged. but from my own nosy sleuthing i know that he's since broken up with his fiancee and has a new girlfriend.

london guy friend - he's on my friends list which have led me to find out that his (i think) german girlfriend gave birth to their son in february. they got married a month later. seems like the wedding must have been quite a surprise to even his friends.

texas curly - based on our last email "communication" in january, he told me that he got married in april 2008. he's also since started a tailor shop making custom made suits. a lil research (it's not really considered snooping if he gave me his company name to begin with haha!) showed that he came in second place in a new entrepreneur of the year award and made me even more impressed. i also found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic of a fun picture with him and his gorgeous wife. did i mention that she's gorgeous? i thought for a very long time (and trust me, i really did) and in the end decided to add him to my friends list... and hope he never really wonders how on earth i found him online...

marvy's setup - i found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic. he's looking good though (to be fair, he always looked better in pictures than in real life) and also looks like he's happily attached / married. i'm not sure if she's the "love of his life" from china that he met right after he got set up with me.

(now ex) key account executive - i keep in touch with him on IM every now and then when he signs in. bout a couple of years ago he had a kid but is still continuing to battle marital woes.

the aussie podiatrist - i couldn't find him on the online social utility site and for some reason, i was determined enough to dig up something that i googled him. i didn't realise that he's been responsible for giving the expert's opinion on certain podiatry related press releases. i found out that his (now not so) new workplace is actually rather close to mine. there was also a picture of him. he's not looking as good as before... i think he's balding.

family friend's setup - i'm still in contact with the friend who set us up and very occasionally i drop an IM to say hey to my family friend's setup (in fact just after writing bout him, i dropped him another IM). but from our friend, i found out that he has a slightly on/off girlfriend. our friend doesn't even know what's going on. sometimes it's good, then it's off, then it's on again. apparently she's a great girl though.

the french banterer - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have 2 mutual friends (though i only really consider one of those girls my friends. i'm pretty sure he knows her through work.) i browsed through a few of his photos. somehow he looks different or maybe i just can't recognise him anymore. i'm unsure bout his relationship status though.

poet guy - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have a mutual friend... incidentally it was my uni classmate that i "dated" who since got married to our uni classmate. i couldn't see much other than his profile pic but he looks like he's happily attached / married.

chatty triathlete - i found him on the online social utility site, and as expected, we have a mutual friend in the form of my friend's (who was formerly based in dubai who subsequently became my colleague) husband. and as i heard, i saw evidence in photos that he got married in dec 2009, a year after he got together with her. he doesn't look too bad but i'm still definitely way cuter than her.

the serious one - not that he's important but i've been running into him recently near wherer i work in town. in any case, he's on my friend's list and it was there that i learnt that he's engaged. i think she works near my workplace.

drummer boy - the only one who i'm actually quite in touch with over IM. and well i already mentioned that he's thinking of getting married in 3-5 years time.

the swedish guy - the last time i saw him was in december 2009. that said, i do think bout him every now and then. he's on my friends list and ever so often i'd see a status update stating that he was off to another one of his short holidays. i still think that's the main reason why we didn't get more serious. he claimed that he was ready for a girlfriend, but his lifestyle showed otherwise.

i guess the main theme is that almost everyone that i "dated" in the last 4 years is now coupled up be it married, engaged or just attached. it's good to know that i didn't remain completely single either.

this has definitely been one very interesting nostalgic walk.

friday

after 2 fridays in a row of not heading out, i decided i had to try and get my usual party on. so i made plans with my new party BFF to party at the place that i've been currently making an appearance at.

i decided to text the rich kid to find out if he was there since he had asked me to party on wednesday (probably 'coz i was nice and remembered his birthday on monday) when i was too tired and i had told him that i might heading out on friday instead. i saw him there and we were pretty friendly.

the thing bout partying at that place is that even though i don't really feel the music and it probably wouldn't be the place for me if i really wanted to get down to dancing it out, i do kinda have fun 'coz of the friends i have gotten to know.

****

in other news, key account executive once again extended his dark proposal with a specific day in mind... friday night. admittedly there is a certain level of mutual attraction between us, but it's just too wrong for me and the right thing to do is to stay away...

****

just when i thought shrek boy forgot bout me, he contacted me on friday night...

shrek boy: hey there. hope you had a great week. sorry i have not called... am very sick after long week in *insert name of country where's he's based from monday to thurday*. have fun tonight.

not that i want him to be sick, but in a way i guess it's good that we didn't get to meet up this week. at least i don't get to feel "guilty" for "dating" someone else when i really like the ad-man.

as for the ad-man, our IM conversations are still going really strong. we even have our own private "sayings". i definitely really like this guy. and i know it 'coz i realised that i'm willing to give up my partying and sometimes random making out lifestyle for him. in fact even though i was having fun clubbing with new party BFF on friday night, i wasn't really interested in meeting anyone and my mind kept drifting back to the ad-man.

i'm a relatively private person but i find myself opening up to him more and more and actually wanting to open up to him. it's kinda scary when you realise that your heart is opening up to let someone inside... but i'm just trying to see where all this may or may not go...

the darker side proposal

key account executive has been MIA for the past 9 months. but in the last few days he's been suddenly making appearances on IM.

we have always gotten along before... and it's plain to see that even after 9 months of not contacting, we still get along. we did some cursory catch-up. he has quit his previous job (which was how i met him in the first place) and is now helping out his brother in the construction industry.

but what is conversation with ex key account executive if there isn't any flirty banter? he's a bad boy (yes how do i always seem to meet these types?) who seems interested to get me on the darker side. i admit that i can be cheeky and have my dark side... but him? that's a whole new level of the darker side.

so i think i've received a proposition. a proposal which i think i should be scared bout. my dark side isn't ready to go into his darker side. and all logical reasoning tells me that it should never be ready. once again i wonder how i get myself into these situations. sometimes i think trouble just finds me... or maybe i somehow left a trail for it to find me...

bout throwing in the towel

the weekend felt a lil more like my usual weekends... the ones i actually used to have before i lost my mojo. not that i found it back again but at least i wasn't home on a weekend night getting bored and being boring.

my party girl and i got to hang out all weekend. and it was nice. but i still obviously haven't learnt to keep my phone away from me. i texted the aussie podiatrist and key account executive. yes, apparently key account executive was back in the picture for the later half of last week when we were emailing back and forth a fair bit. but apparently he's out of the picture again since he didn't reply. at least the aussie podiatrist replied... the next day. he asked me what i was up to for the night and when i told him my plans and asked him bout his, he never replied. anyhow i've decided to put symbols in front of their numbers (like i did with the youngest one) to prevent further tipsy texting in the future.

and then i'm really gonna be done.

then again that's what i said bout the youngest one and look where that got me... IMing him on sunday evening that's what. and it was just like old times. it felt great. i really do miss that guy.

and as fate would have it, this morning at the bus stop and then again during lunch i sniffed out his armani code perfume. i literally went "uh oh".

but i guess i'm glad that even though the last time i saw any action was with the youngest one, i'm not that desperate enough to agree to a random guy in the pub's request for a kiss. he seemed okay in the beginning. an aussie golfer. we chatted easily. but then he started to exude kinda sleazy vibes at some points. his face was getting too close to mine... then he planted a surprise kiss on my cheek and asked if he could kiss me. the answer was no. even though i could do with some action, that's so not the guy i want anything to do with. i think at this point the person i really wanna have some action with is just the youngest one.

yep, so what did i say again bout being done?

looking for a complication

i started this blog almost a year ago with the sole purpose to talk bout guys under the protection of total anonymity. and under this safety net, everything that's been recounted here is true. however i admit that just like everyone else, i've chosen to omit some information. and lately i've noticed myself holding back more than usual.

it has something to do with key account executive. and i realised that it's 'coz somehow i'm afraid of being judged. even if it's by people who have no idea who i am (i am actually much more than what perhaps is portrayed here) and who i have no idea who they are.

i've attracted too many attached or married men in my lifetime (okay it may not be a whole lot but any is already too many) and that's really not my thing. i'm not the cheating type nor do i want a guy who cheats. though i have kissed 2 (that i know of) guys that were attached. but in my defense i didn't know then and only found out later... by someone else.

i don't know bout key account executive's marriage status. it's vague but i'm very sure it didn't go well at all. maybe that's my rationalisation of why i can't seem to get him outta my mind. maybe it's the connection we seem to have. that great conversation. those text messages.

i can't help it. but i'm attracted to him. and somehow this particular attraction for him has led to me being more proactive when in the past i've been less proactive with a whole lot more interest. i admit that i was the one to contact him first via email after our initial hitting it off at the work event. i was also the one to boldly give him my number (i already had his) 'coz i knew that i would be away from the office for some time when i was warded. but he was the one to call me twice. i was the first one to text just to let him know that i was going back to work. but then he was the first one to initiate a long flirty text conversation a few days later. he was the one to suggest meeting up. but 2 weeks later i was the one who actually suggested a day to meet up. and he was the one who didn't reply.

yes, i can't believe i did it. i certainly thought bout it long enough but i have no idea where i actually found the guts (or stupidity) to do it. maybe 'coz i was in the fun mood as i was on the way for some ladies night partying with my best friend and other friends. perhaps that's just an excuse. maybe i'm just looking for a complication, trying to push the limit. and it's easier to do that with him 'coz in all probability, it's not a long-term thing. and he's cool enough and almost just like me enough to handle and give the flirty banter.

but i can't believe he didn't reply. i mean all that great conversation and flirty texting and he doesn't reply? a 'no' would have sufficed... i'm a big girl...

****

today (almost a week later) he sent me and a few other colleagues a work email. so he was online at that very moment. i wondered if he would mention anything to me in a separate note. and he did.

he sent me a personal email to apologise. basically he was too busy that he forgot. and he was apologising genuinely from the heart. i graciously accepted his apology but also told him that it would have been nicer if he had remembered earlier.

i guess i'm glad that he did acknowledge it somehow... 'coz even if it was late, a worser thing would have been to totally forget or pretend that i didn't send that text.

fun with technology during work

it was another regular day at work where i was busy pounding at the keyboard when an IM popped up...

oldest school friend: "the busybody person that i am discovered that *insert prick04's real name*'s profile has changed from 'in a relationship' to 'it's complicated'

apparently this girl keeps more 'involved' in prick04's life than i even care to.

jo: hahahahaha!
jo: of 'coz it's complicated... i mean when is it NOT complicated with him??
jo: probably means he's trying to juggle a million different girls as usual
oldest school friend: haha
oldest school friend: probably spent too much time on prank calls
oldest school friend: between work, volunteer work and prank calls. where does he have the proper time for a gf!
oldest school friend: not to mention it's not like he's incredibly good looking or whatever
jo: hahaha! for sure!
oldest school friend: it's almost sad
jo: well he's kinda pathetic

****

later i was in a team meeting when i got a text message...

key account executive: halo! u in a meeting now?
jo: haha! yeah... with the rest of the department. you're waiting for *insert name of my colleague that he deals directly with*?
key account executive: yah... u getting used to working again? have enough alcohol in ur blood?
jo: will probably never really get used to working haha! honestly i already had some alcohol in my blood last weekend haha! why? you looking for more?
key account executive: honestly, i would love to have more alcohol... but i can't... sigh... my wives will nag nag nag...
jo: hahaha! then you should go and be a good boy... right?

key account executive then suddenly appeared upstairs in my office with my colleague that he was supposed to meet. he passed my workspace as he left some stuff on my boss man's table. i was talking to another colleague. we waved and said hi like we weren't just texting each other. but dang there's just something really attractive bout his looks...

jo: was that one of your many wives? haha!
key account executive: nah... not my type...
jo: haha! picky picky... what's your type then? male? :p
key account executive: slim and a face that i like :)
jo: and you didn't mention male or female... hmmm... very telling...

interesting day.

a proper conversation

key account executive surprised me when he called me on the day i was warded. and then i was discharged and i was a lil hesitant bout calling him to let him know. so i decided that i would drop him an email when i got back to work again in 2 week's time.

he beat me to it. today he called again to ask how i was.

and we proceeded to have a fantastic 45min conversation. somehow this guy and i really do get along. the conversation was friendly and open. and once again we talked bout some more personal stuff. the conversation only ended when both our phones ran outta battery.

i left the conversation feeling really happy. like finally i had an actual proper conversation with a guy that i could talk to.

this made me realise that it's been entirely too long since i've had a proper conversation with a guy. sure i talk to guys at work but more often than not it's bout work related stuff. and even if it does border on the more personal, it doesn't get all that personal. and we certainly don't talk with the whole 'getting to know you' purpose in mind. as for the random guys i meet in clubs, somehow those hardly got beyond idle chitchat, perhaps flirting and sometimes random kissing.

talking to key account executive made me realise that i've missed that. proper conversation. and in this day and age of texting and IMs, on the phone no less. it's been absolutely ages since i last talked to a guy on the phone.

so key account executive suggested us going to a salsa club for a drink once i'm all well again. and i agreed. anyhow it sounds interesting.

that said, i'm not gonna get all that excited since i'm still not sure bout his marriage status. at best he's divorced. and i'm not even sure how i feel bout that. and then of 'coz there's the whole work connection thing. but for now i'm just gonna go with the nice feeling of being on the same wavelength enough with a guy to just talk and have a good conversation.

times like these

obviously no one told someone that you can't ask someone for their hospital ward number and then don't visit or send flowers or whatever. i was perfectly okay with the fact that he replied to my text message and inquired how i was. then he asked for my hospital ward number. and that made me anticipate him visiting me, sending me flowers... something. but that didn't happen. even though he did reply after i texted him to let him know that i was discharged.

sometimes it's times like these when you know who are the people who truly care.

i'm not writing off someone as an uncaring person 'coz at least he did reply. i'm just noting that he has more growing up to do. (side note: i just read from his blog that he's intending to join the same triathlon i'm interested in this year. it will be his second triathlon. i was already impressed when he went for his first sprint triathlon last year. now he's going for the olympic distance. wow! i'm really impressed. i myself am definitely not ready for that...)

pool boy remembered to text me the day before i was warded. i didn't expect that. he does continue to surprise me a lil. he didn't follow up after though. i told out of office eye candy at the last minute and he replied but that was it. i guess i would have expected a lil bit more given that we have a fair bit of work interaction and we're also somewhat friends. i told another guy colleague that i'm pretty close to at the last minute as well and he followed up with me a few days later apologising that he didn't have the time to visit me but was hoping that i was doing well. and perhaps even more strange was that the key account executive actually called me minutes before i was warded 'coz he just saw my email. that i totally didn't expect.

but it's also times like these where you realise that all this doesn't always matter as long as you've got the people closest to you by your side... gotta love family and friends.

lil miss naughty girl

yesterday night i had a tobacco event for work. i'm not exactly sure what was the purpose other than an excuse to drink and have fun. and drink and have fun was exactly what we did.

a whole bunch of other colleagues were invited and these are the craziest bunch. the minute i stepped into the bar where the event was held, i was presented with a tequila shot by those guys. in my years working in the company, i have already somehow made a name for myself for being able to drink well. so i downed the tequila, had dinner and then downed more tequila and other mixes.

the conversations always seem so much more interesting when everyone is a lil tipsy.

at one point out of office eye candy came over to my couch to have a chat with me. but not before telling another colleague (regarding me), "i have to court her now or else i may not get another chance to court her."

inside i wanted to tell him that he could court me anytime.

we had a good chat. and later we even took a polaroid together. fun times.

i also had quite a nice chat with the new accountant. my guy colleague (who wasn't invited for this event) was right. the new accountant is pretty nice to talk to. and i may be mistaken but i think he was flirting with me at some points.

i think everyone was flirting with each other. one of my colleagues who is based out of the office was also flirting. i've gone out with him and another female colleague also based out of office before to play pool and we had great fun. but this time our conversation totally took a different spin when he brought up the topic of past relationships and what we wanted in a partner.

i was in full sparkle mode. this is my element.

but then things took a crazy twist...

my colleagues had all left while i was still waiting for my party girl to contact me 'coz she was having dinner with her boyfriend who had just come to town. our key account executive of our tobacco supplier convinced me to stay there till i heard from my party girl. so i did. and it was crazy.

he piled on the drinks and we were laughing and chatting the whole time. it was surprising how well we got along. he's too much like me that it's dangerous. we even managed to talk a lil bout more personal stuff though i could tell that he was reluctant to talk more bout his marriage which i gathered didn't go well at all since he seemed near to tears.

later another of his colleagues joined us. he was the polaroid photographer who we were all previously joking around with. he's married with a cute daughter. but he also told me that if he wasn't, he would go after me. he didn't understand why i was single 'coz i had all these good qualities such as steamy eyes (yes he said that!), looks and a fun personality. it's a good thing that i've had quite a bit of experience in married men hitting on me so i could just easily laugh it off and say married men is not my thing.

but the 3 of us talked and got on easily though it was pretty obvious that the key account executive and i definitely had chemistry. in fact the polaroid photographer readily pointed that out. i got kinda uneasy when the key account executive would keep staring at me so i would look away. he straight up called me on it and asked if i had difficulty with eye contact with a guy. i told him that it depends. but didn't tell him that i only have difficulty when i feel the guy's sparks but am not sure if that's the way i want to go. i mean i'm not sure bout his marriage status and he's my key account executive. we have to work together. that just sounds like potential complication. plus i don't want anyone at work to know. he dared me to look him right in the eyes and 'coz i don't back down like that, i do.

later the polaroid photographer drove us back since we all lived near to each other. i sat in the middle of 'em in the front seat of his van. the key account executive kept tickling me. and even though i'm normally rather ticklish, apparently i wasn't this time round. and he kept trying to make me ticklish. dangerous thing to do since he himself is really ticklish. but i've learnt that tickling is apparently one way a guy uses to try and touch a girl. well he didn't touch anywhere inappropriate even though the tickling itself probably wasn't very appropriate to begin with. later he walked me to my door. and we said bye.

thank goodness nothing exactly happened. that would have been waay too complicated. i'm really just hoping that nobody in the office will hear anything bout this even though a bunch already know that i stayed back at the bar. i admit that i'm a lil worried... i don't know...