serving "penance"

on friday night as i made my way to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar to meet up with the yummy mommy, i felt an overwhelming nervousness. not that dj guy was even still working there. afterall he had quit. but yet perhaps it was the whole going back to the "scene of the crime" that got me all jittery.

but once i got there and settled into a mixed feeling of relief, disappointment and overall strangeness at not seeing dj guy there, it wasn't too bad. i talked, joked around and took pictures with the regulars and even made some new friends especially this girl who was new to the bar, where we bonded over our mutual love of short hair.

perhaps i was done serving "penance". 'coz i had some drinks. so much for not ever drinking again after that incident. not that i ever thought i would really keep to it. but what i did keep to was keeping my alcohol in check. i drank slowly and rather little. i guess i still don't feel up to drinking.

when i was in a happier mood, i almost laughed off the craziness of the situation with dj guy and me. and reminded myself at how we weren't really together in the first place and though admittedly i didn't really do the best thing, but he didn't really have the "right" to get as upset as he was and to call off whatever it was that we might have sorta had going on. and he really should have replied to my friendly text the week before asking if he was okay 'coz i heard that he quit. and also my text that very night (yes, i know... kill me!) asking where he was working at now and joking that i had just become the bar manager's errand girl.

but just when i started to try and deal with it all and forget him, nickelback's how you remind me played. that's one of the songs dj guy likes to play if he ever gets a chance to utilise his playlist in the bar.

i've always loved that song. i can sing along to every word. and over the year, it became a song that reminded me of how dj guy and i have some similar tastes in music and cozy hole-in-the-wall bar in general. it's a song that somehow touches my heart.

and now, it's become a song that reminds me of dj guy.

as i sang along to every word, like i normally do, i couldn't help but get a lil teary eyed...

when i got home and fell into deep slumber... my mind drifted off to a fantasy land where dj guy and i were back together and we were happy... it made waking up difficult...

it's weird how i've always said that i know that he and i didn't have a future together, and yet somehow in my own warped way, i saw some sort of a future...

maybe i am still serving "penance" afterall...