this is how the universe must be playing it's little april fool's joke on me

when i was younger i used to have this little april fool's joke that i would play on my best friend. it was the same every year. not so much an actual prank or joke but a pathetic joke between us. every year i would tell her that someone professed his interest in me. we all knew that it couldn't be true. afterall if it didn't happen for 10 years, it's likely to ever happen. and yet, it was our own little joke.

so this morning i was wondering if i should pull the same "joke". maybe i'm too old for this. the joke isn't even valid anymore since both of us have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years... to different people. as i walked into the office thinking maybe i was indeed too old for april fool's jokes anyway, i was at the receiving end of not one but two jokes from the universe.

i checked my online social utility site only to find a personal message from dj guy asking me how i have been. and barely before i got over that shock, i received an IM from my family friend's setup (who i last shared an IM conversation a few months ago but who i last saw 2.5 years ago when we went for an art exhibition together) essentially asking if i wanted to go for that same art exhibition we went to last which comes round every 2 years.

amazing. 2 guys who at one point in my life, i really liked and made it to my heart. but whose heart i ultimately never managed to capture.

yes, the universe has it's own lil way of playing a joke on me.

now i just need the swedish guy to contact me too. third one would definitely be a charm.

i remember at the last world cup...

i've always been into the world cup and make it a point to catch the key matches especially from the knockout stages. as each new world cup starts or concludes, i find myself thinking back on how time has just flown by since the last world cup 4 years ago and it seems like i knew almost just exactly what happened at that time. since the world cup has just concluded, i thought it appropriate to reminise on the last world cup fever in 2006...

the opening match in 2006 saw me sitting in the somewhat "sister bar" of cozy hole-in-the-wall bar watching it. that was where i ran into dj guy after not having seen him in a while and probably where things started again as we shared our first kiss (albeit a peck).

as the world cup continued on, i found myself in europe on vacation with my family, spending most of my time in france where i caught most of the matches. anyone who remembers the last world cup would have known that france went all the way to the finals so imagine the celebrations each time france won a game. it was an amazing atmosphere.

after the end of the final match, i was headed for london where i spent some time with my london guy friend. i didn't expect to spend half as much time with him. and i certainly didn't expect to wind up having half that amount of feeling that i wound up having for him. but nonetheless it was a fabulous time.

by comparison this world cup was far more sedate. i didn't share any first kisses, i didn't travel anywhere and i didn't wind up fancying anyone new. but i did spend my first world cup fever being attached, even if the alpha boy doesn't actually watch the matches...

and that's why...

dj guy and the other girl have officially broadcasted their relationship status via the online social utility site. the first comment was from a mutual friend (incidentally she's the girlfriend of dj guy's best friend who i also know) saying "is that news?". i echo the new girlfriend's comment "hahaha... not really right.." 'coz yes, we all knew, nevermind that i wasn't actually told... but that's why i make a good sherlock holmes.

and i also know just why texas curly and i could never keep in touch. 'coz he never really tries to keep in touch. after that lone email i received from him over 3 weeks ago that i replied to, i never got a reply.

this is where i act like sherlock holmes

there are days when i purport to do some stalking on the online social utility site. and recently that's precisely what i did. i had a glorious time going through various profiles when i somehow wound up at dj guy's page.

early last month i found out (via my favorite stalking device and some inference) that dj guy and his ex fiancee broke up. but what i found out this time is that it looks like he's attached to someone new.

so basically in september his ex fiancee posted a pic of them together with the caption "my luv and i". that leads me to believe that they were still together then.

but come november, dj guy is tagged in a couple of other cozy pictures with another girl. now, that isn't too surprising in itself. afterall he does take cozy looking pictures with different girls that could really have just been intepreted as friendly. but my spidey senses were set off when i saw that this same girl had been leaving lovey-dovey wall messages of the "love you baby! *muacks*", "gud morning beibi ~~~ missing u so much! *cuddlez&kisses*" and "miss u lotz darlz... *muacks*" variety. (and incidentally, yes, i nearly gagged at the messages and spelling) hence i concluded that she isn't just a friend. and that was proven by an "in a relationship" status message i saw on her site in december.

again that's all well and good. except that you have to note that in that 3 months from september to december he had somehow broken up with his fiancee of 1.5 years who was also his on/off girlfriend for years before and started dating someone new?? better yet, the three of them are all friends as seen from the sharing of mutual friends, various pictures and messages that the ex fiancee leaves on the new girlfriend's page. and of 'coz there was the whole changing back and forth from being "in a relationship" and "it's complicated" status messages on the new girlfriend's page.

go figure they say "it's complicated".

perhaps you should do as i say and not necessarily as i might do

i don't know the full details but i reckon it went something like this...

he got together with her. she cheated on him. twice. they broke up. she was still into him. he probably always had a soft spot for her. they got back together. soon after they got engaged. 1.5 years later they broke up again.

and this is the story (to date) of dj guy and his ex girlfriend / fiancee / whatever.

i realised that with this particular couple, i could never quite say which way it was likely to go. i saw reasons why they probably could have been together. at the same time i saw reasons why they probably wouldn't eventually wind up with each other. and maybe it all came down to the reason that i think if it didn't work out once, it probably wouldn't still work out.

and yet, i also know of cases where a couple broke up, got back together and was stronger than before. then again there also have been plenty of cases where it was clear the whole back and forth thing was just not going to work.

i tend to be in that camp. i tend to think that unless you're really willing to work at whatever problems you guys initially had, getting back with an ex probably isn't the best idea.

and now add cheating into the mix. what happens if you guys broke up 'coz one of you cheated? is once a cheater, always a cheater?

without a shadow of doubt, i used to think so. i don't know. i suppose sometimes people really do change. and sometimes (possibly most times?), they probably don't.

maybe that's why i thought in some ways, dj guy's relationship with his ex girlfriend / fiancee / whatever was probably doomed to fail from the start when she cheated on him.

i found myself wondering that if i were still single, would i have tried to get back into contact dj guy in an attempt to restart things? and i realised that i probably would have. even though i know how that story will end, or rather how that story won't even have a proper start.

so yes, getting back with an ex may not be the best idea, but i would probably have still wanted to try again with my "ex" anyway...

i guess this just makes me confused, or simply normal?

the past, the future and everything in between

i know that i haven't been updating too much lately. i guess when you're in a relationship, it's kinda hard to find good blog fodder. afterall it's not like i'm out there having many different dates with many different guys having many different interesting stories.

so far everything is going relatively fine... i suppose. i don't know. i mean i do like him a lot or maybe "love" him or whatever but there are other things that make me wonder if i can be with him forever (and i know that he pretty much thinks forever). we're just quite different personalities and the side of him that is totally opposite to my tolerant, easy-going, even-tempered side does sometimes make me worry. but other than that and some other lil things that bug me (which i have yet to even find a way to tell him bout), we're doing more or less good.

though that doesn't mean that i stop thinking bout the past boys.

every now and then i find myself thinking bout the swedish guy. maybe 'coz he was the guy just before the alpha boy. maybe 'coz if he had shown me more interest then, my life would have taken a different path. maybe 'coz i still have no idea what happened and wonder why.

and then there's dj guy. my party girl and i finally met up on friday. it's been bout a month since we last met 'coz she's been really busy at work. we decided to head over to the club that dj guy now works in. yeah after over 6 months of not working in nightlife, dj guy is finally back. which makes it easier to see him again.

it was definitely nice seeing him again. evidently for him as well 'coz he left me a message on the online social utility site saying just that. which is something he never did. we've never been the contact each other types. heck, he never did anything like that even when we were kinda "together" (which by that i really just mean making out every week at his former workplace in cozy hole-in-the-wall bar). but we've long since passed that. it was just the kind of friendly we are. joking and jesting. we will both move on with our own lifes and loves. but there will always be something there between us. that certain soft spot for the other. (that seems evident to others as well) that will always be there. always.

dredge up the old memories and make new ones

friday night i met up with my close friend from uni. we had a late dinner and then drinks to just catch up. since we were around the area, we thought to head over to a club where we liked the live band. i guess it also wasn't exactly a coincidence that i particularly liked the idea since i knew that that would be the place dj guy was celebrating his birthday.

it was strange when dj guy and i saw each other. i mean admittedly i didn't quite know what to expect. but even i wasn't expecting this. we hugged long and hard like old friends who hadn't seen each other in ages. well we hadn't seen each other in ages. we didn't get to chat much since he was with all his other good guy friends and you know how guys are.

dj guy's best friend was there. (well you know that story there...) and so was dj guy's best friend's girlfriend. it may seem strange how even after everything that happened, i can still get along pretty well with his girlfriend. dj guy's fiancee too for that matter. it's funny how despite everything, no one's relationship changed. except for mine and dj guy's of 'coz.

but i guess some things still don't. we hugged frequently. and he called me 'sweetheart' like he usually does. he ruffled my hair and kissed my head/cheek. and i'm reminded of how no matter what, there's probably always just gonna be something there between us. as my party girl and the yummy mommy said before, we just have a soft spot for each other.

****

after bouts of phone tag and postponings of meeting ups, i finally met up with the guy from the online dating site on saturday.

we arranged to meet at a bar for drinks and after half an hour, i was glad that he had declined meeting for dinner 'coz it would have just prolonged my suffering. i wasn't attracted to him... which honestly from his pictures, was something i expected. and while he seemed seemingly nice enough there were things that irked me. in essence, i was uncomfy with the way he seemed to treat the staff at the bar. he repeatedly asked for his drink or his change barely after 5 mins of taking his order or paying the bill. and he seemed unnecessarily impatient with 'em.

he also seemed to have an array of questions to quiz me on from "what was the reason for your screen name" to "tell me more bout your family". i asked him some stuff in return but frankly i didn't really care to know. i just didn't want him to know too much bout me.

and while i'm not necessarily an uber prude, i wasn't comfy with him touching me 5 mins after we met. his frequent touching of my arm, squeezing my thigh, putting an arm around me, rubbing my fingers or touching the neckline of my top annoyed me. and hence i nicknamed him touchy brit even though frankly i practically can't be bothered to nickname him.

1.5 hours later at 10pm, touchy brit suggests that we leave 'coz he's tired. and then a few minutes later changes his mind and asks if i would like to have another drink. i nearly wanted to just end the night and my increasing annoyance. but at the same time i was hoping to at least have some fun so i suggested the place next door. touchy brit had talked bout wanting to go there and i had been there once with the swedish guy for comedy night on halloween and loved the band there.

the night picked up for me as i listened to the band. but the whole night i was just thinking bout the swedish guy. from the glenmorangie whisky i drank (the swedish guy first introduced me to that brand) to the club where the swedish guy and i had our first "date". my thoughts were definitely on him. even while realising that there were an array of guys who were checking me out even though i was with another guy.

but then my thoughts quickly shifted to drummer boy when i got his text. i can't remember getting a text from him in bout 4 months. and it's not like it was a drunk booty call either. it was just a text of which the intentions i have no idea.

so admittedly we flirted a wee bit. well at least i flirted a wee bit. what could i do? i was a lil bored and i mean it's him, it's drummer boy. and later when i was alone, for some reason or another... maybe i had some alcohol or maybe for the simple reason that it's him, it's drummer boy... i cried a lil. 'coz it's him, it's drummer boy. and i can't ever truly forget him.

let this be another lesson to learn

it's almost weird how recently drummer boy and i have been back in kinda contact... well at least we're sorta IMing at times. but now that i'm interested in the swedish guy, how i feel bout drummer boy is different.

not that i don't still like drummer boy. 'coz i do. and if there's anything to go by, my recent dream would probably say it all. i dreamt that i was hanging out with his friends and he was there with his new girlfriend (btw i have no idea whether or not he does have a new girlfriend or is seeing anyone in real life). admittedly even in my dreamscape, it still felt strange for me. seeing him with his arms around another girl, kissing her. it was hard for me.

but i guess i have more or less made peace with the fact that no matter what, he will probably always have a special place in my heart. i can know that we won't work out, i can accept that it's for the best and i can even like someone else... but i can't ever truly forget him.

it's kinda the same way i feel bout dj guy. there's always just gonna be something there. and i remember him even more so today... on his birthday.

i texted him to wish him... just like any other friend. he didn't reply. yeah well when would i learn?

haunted by the past

recently my IM went all wonky and i somehow lost all my blocked contacts list. this basically means that all the people i've blocked before are now able to see me online.

that's not good news 'coz that means that i'll be getting unwanted IMs from guys that i've previously blocked... and i already have gotten quite a few.

it's time to re-block 'em...

****

on friday night i met up with my party girl and the yummy mommy. we wound up at the bar that dj guy now works in. i realise that much as i'm really glad to see him again, sometimes i come off as standoffish 'coz nerves just take over. actually that can be said for any guy i like. anyhow dj guy and i did have some time for a quick chat that i initiated. i was wearing a dress (and i rarely ever do) and he told me that i looked good in a dress. that was when i realised that dj guy makes me feel beautiful.

later as he walked past me, he playfully grabbed the back of my neck. i know he's engaged and all but i suppose in some weird way i was glad that at least that lil playful bit of "affection" maybe meant that he too was reminded of the feelings we once had for each other.

****

i'm purged outta my feelings for him and all but i must say that i was a lil "affected" at not seeing the ad-man online recently as i normally would. nevermind if he ignores my messages or if we don't talk but normally i'd still see him online.

this made me wonder if he took up my advice on blocking people.

anyhow i saw him wandering around the isles in church today. so i decided to text him...

jo: why r u parading around in church? haha!
the ad-man: haha i waaa looking for my firends, glad you're here

glad you're here?? ha! if he were really glad, he wouldn't have been exhibiting such a lack of character now would he?

but the bad thing is that i suppose a small part of me is still attracted to him. yeah i knew this would come and haunt me again.

though i try and tell myself that his relationship with his most recent ex-girlfriend didn't even last as long as my pseudo relationship with drummer boy. but of 'coz this pseudo relationship with drummer boy is currently on the rocks...

****

and yes, things with drummer boy are still in limbo. we still text each other quite a bit daily. but oh well i don't know.

i go back and forth with wanting to try and "date" other guys in order to help me be less emotionally attached to drummer boy but at the same time a weird part of me just can't seem to do that. it's almost as though i actually want to try and maybe make this work... even though i don't really know why and if it will actually even work at all...

that chemistry between me and you

there's something to be said bout physical chemistry. i know the "politically correct" answer would be that personality is more important and whatnot... and don't get me wrong, of 'coz i think personality is important... all i'm saying is that physical attraction is just as important. it doesn't matter if no one thinks he's attractive, you have to think he's attractive.

at the height of the whole thing between dj guy and me, i knew that we had that raw animalistic chemistry. massive chemistry. obviously he wasn't the only one i was ever attracted to in my life but he was the only one i ever felt such chemistry with. and honestly i wasn't sure if i would ever find that again.

until now.

well okay so the physical chemistry with drummer boy isn't as strong as mine was with dj guy. with dj guy there was literally electricity in the air. but the chemistry with drummer boy definitely comes close.

but physical chemistry isn't enough...

like how he said bout finding me intellectually stimulating, i too need to be intellectually stimulated. i think there's more to him beneath the surface than he lets on. but it's hard to get to that part. i realise that when i do get to that part, i like him even more. but if not, sometimes i get "bored". he doesn't show that side of him a lot and i don't even know how to get him to do that more. besides it's not like i'm a great effective communicator when it comes to anything to do with "relationships".

recently i've been feeling like the physical chemistry is overwhelming the intellectually stimulating part of our supposed psuedo relationship. and while i love making out with him, in the back of my mind it kinda makes me wonder if that's all he's into bout me. i mean it doesn't match with what he said before... but sometimes things change right? and i've just been feeling increasingly disconnected with him.

take yesterday night for example. i actually bailed out on my plans with my party girl and the yummy mommy to attend an absinthe house party in order to meet up with him later at night. i mean i gave up free alcohol to spend time with him. i can't remember the last time i ever did that for a guy. i'm trying, i think i'm really trying with him. even though at times i think i should be maybe starting to multi-date again. but for some strange reason, i just can't actually bring myself to do that as yet. so that's how i know that for some reason or another, this drummer boy actually means a lot to me. but is that reason purely physical?

even then, last night we were quite disconnected and he didn't even make a move to hold my hand or anything like he normally does. in fact i was the one who nearing the end of the night decided to reach for his hand instead. that in the end led to a makeout session which was nice and all but i still felt like something was missing.

i have this feeling that i really need to be having some kind of talk with him soon, much as i dislike having any such talks and have no idea how to even bring that up. maybe we are both bottling up questions for the other and assumptions bout the other that it's just festering. maybe a talk will set us clear. whether we wind up together or not...

birthday shenanigans

it's that time of the year again... yesterday i turned a "ripe old" age of 28.

my party girl, the yummy mommy and i decided to head over to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar on friday night for a lil countdown celebration. before it was even midnight, i was already starting to get a bit of a buzz. then midnight hit and the drinks hit me later even more.

we wound up at the bar that dj guy now works in. the club that he previously worked in after leaving cozy hole-in-the-wall bar closed and he sent out word bout over a month ago that he was now managing this new bar. i had planned to check it out eventually and turns out that my birthday was the very night i did check it out.

not that i remember it all too well. honestly i was pretty tipsy at that point. tipsy enough that i think this brit guy and i might have kissed. he's the younger (and much cuter!) brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar.

honestly i feel guilty. and it's not the kind of guilty i felt when i was making out with shrek boy while really liking the ad-man. it's not even the kind of guilty i felt when i made the greatest mistake by drunkenly making out with dj guy's best friend when i really liked dj guy. it's a different kind of guilty. i mean i'm supposed to be in some sort of a pseudo relationship now right? and i had to lie to drummer boy when he asked if i was good that night. i felt even worst especially knowing that i forgot to text him when i got home which caused him to basically have a night's worth of interrupted sleep 'coz he was a lil worried if i was okay. what can i say? i'm just not used to having to "answer to" someone else.

which of 'coz sometimes honestly worries me. what happens if me not being used to this becomes a future problem for me and whoever i'm with?

yesterday drummer boy spent my birthday with me. we went for dinner and a movie and then supper. it was a nice time. and as usual we were walking around town hand in hand like a couple. in the movie he was quite preoccupied with cuddling me. and i thought it was nice that he brought me to his usual place for supper so i could see where he hangs out with the boys. i was still a lil hungover (or maybe i was still tipsy!) and hence probably "zombified" but it was still nice to spend my birthday with him.

newsflash

you know how sometimes things just kinda sneak up on you? yeah well i'm beginning to feel that way bout drummer boy.

i know i said that despite being able to talk easily with him bout nothing at all, i don't think i can confide in him. well now i'm not sure. our last few conversations definitely had a confiding element in 'em. for both of us. he tells me that he really enjoys talking to me and i told him likewise. and i'm also starting to find him intriguing.

i think when we first started chatting, it was just a slight flirting thing going on. which don't get me wrong, is always nice. and while the flirting thing is still there, we have started talking a lil more bout our past relationships and other stuff. he even told me how he lost his virginity... er... didn't really need to know that... but okay...

maybe i'm finding it surprising that he seems to be deeper, more logical and well thought-out then i initially thought. i'm not one to judge appearances but you gotta admit that when you think of a hardcore rock drummer boy with piercings and tattoos, you don't exactly think all roses and sunshine. not that he is. but he doesn't seem to be all bad boy (okay maybe he's just reformed bad boy) either which is refreshing.

on wednesday night we met up again. i was out with my best friend's sister and then he came by to pick me up where we just went to get a non-alcoholic drink and chat. later when we got home, we texted and then chatted on the phone and then texted again for the next over hour.

so do i have a crush on him? maybe a teensy weensy bit? and i have this feeling he has a teensy weensy bit of a crush on me too. i still don't think there's any true potential for us, but at any rate i'm enjoying our conversations and for now i'll just settle for that.

****

my dinner on tuesday got postponed to thursday 'coz last minute he had a church dinner gathering. in a great IM conversation on tuesday afternoon, he told me that he "can't wait to meet" me. and i also learnt that i was the first online date he was going to have.

wow! way to put on the pressure. a virgin online dater? what happens if he somehow decided i was psycho? was i going to be his bad first online date story for years to come?

he was running late and as i was waiting for him, i started getting nervous... he might have been the virgin online dater, but i was starting to feel like i was it instead. so i did the only thing i knew which was to text my best friend...

jo: u know whats freaky? when ure waiting for ur date n u have no idea what he looks like coz u only had one pic to go from n u suddenly forgot all his stats...
jo: n it seems like e whole world is staring at u n u wonder if they recognise u from online dating or ure damn hot or u look like u just got stood up...
jo's best friend: haha i know exactly :) enjoy your date. stop being too paranoid.

when he finally arrived, i knew i had nothing to worry bout. he was cuter than i expected. dinner and the slow walk nearby while chatting was good. i think we actually managed to have a pretty open conversation. we're kinda on the same page bout a lot of things which is good. but i did feel some sorta pressure. i don't know... maybe that's just what happens when i "date" a christian guy and suddenly i feel like i'm this "bad christian" girl...

****

the following edited phone conversation (or maybe "interogation" if you choose to see it that way) took place at lunchtime on thursday:

jo: so how was last night's ladies night?
the yummy mommy: it was okay... more bad than good...
jo: bad? what's the place like?
the yummy mommy: it's dark
jo: er... as opposed to usual bar kinda dark?
the yummy mommy: you know those movies where they show vampire clubs? it's kinda like that
jo: haha! now you're just making me really wanna go there
the yummy mommy: haha! you should go
jo: is it something bout the decor?
the yummy mommy: i don't know... maybe...
jo: so did you last all the way till 3am?
the yummy mommy: nah i didn't drink much, i was mainly playing pool
jo: is *insert dj guy's name* behind the bar?
the yummy mommy: i think he's overseeing the place
the yummy mommy: hey did you know that he's engaged??

and there you have it. newsflash for the day. it's been confirmed that dj guy is indeed engaged.

pucker up (or not) and just try to deal with it

so i'm thinking that maybe dj guy and his ex girlfriend (or current girlfriend or fiancee or whatever) might really be engaged.

yes, i'm still on that topic. you have to realise that this is a guy who made it to my heart. one of 4 guys (the others in the line-up being someone, my family friend's setup and the ad-man) in my very non-illustrious non-dating life to have made it to my heart. so having him engaged actually really bothers me. especially since i'm not really truly over him yet. and maybe that's just the way it is when it comes to guys who made it to your heart. but i have to be over him right? since he's engaged and all...

so why do i say that maybe dj guy is really engaged afterall? well it had to be those pics he uploaded on the online social utility site. pics in a folder called "my lady" (someone please kill me and put me outta my misery). pics of her with (what i guess to be) his young nephew. pics of her and someone else (maybe her friend). pics of just her. pics of her and him kissing in (what seems to be) bed.

hmm maybe i should upload the pic i have of him and me kissing on my birthday. just for old times sake. afterall i never did send him that pic... i'm kidding (at least bout uploading that pic). no one should ever see that pic... at least no one who don't already know my party persona... and probably already saw us making out in person before...

but yeah... so there you have it. i think dj guy is engaged. honestly this wasn't what i expected. (oh sue me for thinking that he should have given me another chance or at least be pining for me or something) and with his ex girlfriend (or current girlfriend or fiancee or whatever) no less. afterall they broke up a year ago after she cheated on him twice. and he claimed that he won't get back with her again. then again this is the same girl who's always been very close to him even after the breakup and has been trying very hard to get him back. this is the girl who i know i can't compete with. oh well i lost anyway...

dj guy is definitely missed. i think my heart just hasn't really accepted all these news yet...

the fun thing bout a cough...

so i'm not exactly lil miss i-have-an-exciting-life lately and no thanks to the fact that i've been battling the tail-end of a nasty cough.

now the most exciting thing bout this cough is this random off-the-shelf cough syrup that i happened to buy years ago that i'm currently taking. and here's why:

indications: stopping coughs and reducing phlegm, relieving flatulence and dispersing the accumulation of pathogenic evils

i had no idea that coughs, phlegm and flatulence were all related. and the dispersing of pathogenic evils?? do tell what are pathogenic evils?

so the indications on this cough syrup tickle me to no end such that i had to put it as my IM name. well that brought about another "exciting" happening...

dj guy: can u take a PHOTO of yr cough mixture n send it to me
jo: hahaha! are you serious?
dj guy: yes
jo: may i ask why though?
dj guy: i find it amusing tt it says it disperses pathogenic evils

and may i add that dj guy is not a communicative sorta guy. he just doesn't talk. probably worst than most other guys. he seems to find other ways to use his lips... probably better than most other guys...

but i guess it was a fun impromptu conversation with him. and right now i'll take whatever "fun" i can get...

i then decided to take this opportunity to ask him bout what was really on my mind...

jo: so you're engaged??

he never replied... i did say that he's not communicative right?

i don't know how much more of this i can take...

late sunday night (or rather early monday morning) the ad-man and i made plans to watch a movie on monday night. we had been talking bout that for the past week but had yet to set a day. i told him to let me know the time and place to meet. but come monday evening 6pm, i had yet to hear from him.

this is the thing i never quite understand bout guys. how they have the ability to somehow totally forget that they were supposed to let you know the time and place to meet. it's almost as though they can't be bothered to remember their plans with you in the first place.

so i was doing some "game playing" by seeing how long i could refuse to contact him. obviously i'm a loser in this "game" so i gave in and contacted him as i expected i would. he remembered the meeting up but forgot that he was supposed to let me know the time and place to meet. well given the fact that he was feeling a lil sick and had been pretty much sleeping the day away (a fact that i only knew later when i met up with him), i decided not to get mildly annoyed.

the movie and dinner though rushed was pretty good. seriously, i wished he would just hurry up and realise that he likes me.

****

in other news, it's amazing what you can learn through the online social utility site. and the last thing i expected to learn was that dj guy is engaged... to his ex girlfriend no less!

of 'coz i'm assuming she must be his current girlfriend... or fiancee or whatever now. and apparently he did get past the whole she cheating on him twice thing. (yes, i admit that i'm a lil sore that i don't get offered the same level of forgiveness for doing something far less hurtful.)

but it's a lil strange i must say... 'coz i'm reading the messages she left on his site and the most recent one had her actually questioning his engagement...

dj guy's ex girlfriend: wat?!? ur engaged????......

you would think that if she was the one being engaged to him, she'll know right?

and since i was there, i saw another message she left a month ago...

dj guy's ex girlfriend: i shall always Luv u... u shall always be a part of me and my life... keep in touch my darlin luv... am missin u deeply... am luving u til i take my last breath

okay that was a lil too much mush for me.

so how do i feel bout all of this? honestly i would be lying if i said that this didn't affect me at all. 'coz as strong as my feelings are for the ad-man and as much as he helped me "get over" dj guy, the feelings i do have for dj guy never really did truly go away. i suppose just like any feelings you have for any guy that made it to your heart, they never really truly go away even if you've found someone new who is so much better for you.

in some weird way, it's almost as though it has come full circle for the complication that is dj guy and me. afterall how we started in the first place was when one day he suddenly asked me if he had ever told me that he was engaged 'coz if so, that wasn't him.

and now, he's really engaged... or maybe he's not... i don't know, it's too complicated... just like it's always been with me and him. but yes, i don't deny that as crazy as it is, he's still in my heart...

[edit]

and 'coz i exhibit stalker tendencies like that, i just checked out dj guy's page on the online social utility site and i found out that the message from his ex girlfriend questioning his engagement (to her no less!) has been deleted making it seem more like they are really engaged. except that i did see that deleted message... which makes it seem more than ever like he's trying to get rid of someone's unwanted affection?

that's the draw of dj guy that i never quite figured. somehow this bad boy type (maybe that in itself explains it?) just gets all the girls falling in love with him... and i hate to say that even i wasn't an exception...

when we kiss

you see him right across from you. it doesn't matter if he's next to you or far across the room. 'coz when your eyes meet, there's a zap of electricity. and as far as you're concerned, you're the only ones there.

there's something in his eyes, in the way he looks at you. longing. desire. anticipation.

the air grows thick and you find yourself hardly able to breathe. he's watching your every breath. the way you close your eyes and open 'em slowly to try and calm yourself down.

he takes a step closer. that one little step that seems so strong and manly. invading your personal space. showing you that he wants you.

then his lips finally meet yours.

it could be hot and furious. like an unleashing of raw physical chemistry that feels so good. it leaves you breathless and wanting more.

it could start off gentle. teasing you for more to come. and then he draws you closer to him than ever before. and you find yourself drawing him closer as well. his kisses are harder, deeper, more probing. his breathing more labored. his hands find their way around your body. you find your hands around his neck, tugging his shirt, scratching down his back.

you break apart to catch your breath. he cups your face in his hands. your eyes meet. and you find him looking at you as though you're the most beautiful girl in the world. he whispers telling you how much he wants you.

then he leans in again... and you know that you don't ever really wanna stop.

and that's how it feels when dj guy and i kiss.

it's a small world afterall

since that time that i exchanged IM addresses with nice shirt guy, we weren't ever actually online at the same time.

until today.

we were chatting when suddenly nice shirt guy brought something up randomly...

nice shirt guy: i just found out that an old friend of mine is a bar manager at *insert name of club that dj guy now works in*
jo: uh oh
jo: which friend?
nice shirt guy: indian dude
jo: name?
nice shirt guy: *insert dj guy's name*
jo: ohmygosh

i must admit that it freaked me out a lil. my party life is a bit of a "dirty secret" which only a few (the party scene people) really know bout. and it's even funnier when you think bout how i met nice shirt guy in the first place... as in he was interested to get to know me. and now i realised that his old friend (who could probably be considered my "old friend" too) at one point did get to know me pretty well...

it was even more shocking when i found out that dj guy also knows the rich kid and some of the other guys who i got to know through the rich kid and nice shirt guy 'coz they all used to live in the same estate neighbourhood and hung out when they were kids.

this world is just too small.

just get it over and done with

my recent foray back into the world of online dating had me IMing 2 guys pretty regularly. one was a guy who found me on the online dating site. he's asked me out for coffee a couple of times but somehow i wasn't all that keen enough to rearrange my schedule. but today i did.

not that i'm keen. i knew right from the start that i wasn't keen. but i think it was just a natural progression from the IMing. so when he asked again to meet up, i finally agreed. afterall it was just a quick coffee for bout an hour near my place since he was around the area to teach one of his students. i thought that perhaps this was a good time to just get over and done with this meeting up thing.

it may have only been for slightly more than an hour... but gosh did the hour feel long. as expected i was not attracted to him physically at all. and honestly i got irritated with the conversation especially when he implied that me pushing myself in my sport meant that i had something to prove to the world.

i was bored and annoyed and counting the minutes while trying not to look at my watch too obviously. thankfully the annoying mouth-clicker had to leave by a certain time and i just bout chased him off to his appointment with his student.

even though it wasn't fun at all (and due to some timing issue i actually wound up paying for his drink and decided not to claim back from him 'coz it wasn't that much anyway), i don't regret meeting the annoying mouth-clicker. i think it was just something that needed to be done. a certain short 'sacrifice' i needed to make so that it would be easier to make up stories bout why i was busy for the indefinite future.

and as much as i hate to admit it, it was also to trick my warped mind into thinking that the rich kid isn't as big a deal to me as i initially thought. yeah well, i don't think that's really working. i'm still remembering that the last time we IMed was on monday where he said he would let me know if he was heading out on wednesday. i'm trying to ignore him on IM but i already caved in today with no response.

add it to the mix that i've been thinking bout dj guy again recently. there's just something bout him that makes me miss him... sigh...

i definitely need a new guy to makeout with... or maybe a makeout session with a certain few guys from the past...

dreamscape mixed with reality

just when i was starting to think that maybe i'm starting to get over dj guy, i had to go and have a dream bout him.

my dream had dj guy and i standing very closely. at first it started out with us just standing there very closely looking at each other. it's happened before in real life. us just staring at each other. and it was easy to be reminded of the intensity that that could bring. then we started rubbing noses slightly just as we did in real life.

and then it seemed like we were going to kiss. but he kept repeating something to the effect of how he couldn't go back on his promise to himself, which in essence was that since i wronged him, he couldn't just go back to me again.

but yet in my dream i could feel that he wanted to. our strong mutual feelings were still there. it's that feeling i still get every now and then when i see him in real life. afterall he did give me a peck on the lips once after the whole situation with us went bad.

unfortunately my dream didn't play out long enough for the to-kiss-or-not-to-kiss "dance around" to come to an eventual conclusion.

it's just like in real life...

i think it's suffice to say that i still miss him and obviously haven't gotten over him. sigh.

st patrick's day weekend

all of friday at work i was kinda feeling under the weather. but i'll be damned if i was going to miss out on the st patrick's day barhop organised by a beer brand and a men's magazine (and no, not that type haha!).

my party girl and i went barhopping on a bus to 4 different irish bars. we had coupons for the beer but since we're not beer drinkers, we must have had only less than 1/4 pint at each location.

i've never been to a barhopping event before and i must say it was kinda fun. i got to know some random people from some of the bars we were at. and also talked to some of the people who were at the event as well. 2 guys even seemed a lil interested in me but we didn't exchange any contacts so whatever. doesn't really bother me. though one of 'em wanted to take a picture with me and did.

later my party girl and i headed to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar for the relaunch party.

the yummy mommy as well as a few regulars who i haven't seen in ages were there.

one of 'em was a guy who freelance dj-ed for a while but ever since dj guy quit, he hasn't been back. we always got along well so it was a time of catching up for us. as well as a bit of reminiscing. he felt that the new cozy hole-in-the-wall bar wasn't as cozy as before and he missed dj guy behind the bar. i knew exactly what he meant. we then started talking randomly bout dj guy and he mentioned that when dj guy laughed, you never quite knew where that sound was coming from. i had to laugh at that. the memory of his smile. that's something quite precious. i had to smile at that. i also found myself remembering the first time i met dj guy over 2 years ago and i just bout dragged him to another club and we danced there. and i know dj guy fully remembers that time as well. he remembers that's when we held hands. sigh... memories.

as if those memories weren't enough, i had to see dj guy's best friend there. the last time i saw him we were making out. in a way i was over that situation enough to be able to greet and chat with him normally. he's still flirty. i suppose that's just what he's like. it was just a big big mistake on my part to get dragged into that. he was with his girlfriend. i chatted with her for a while. i still like her. but i guess i can't help but feel a wee bit resentful that his relationship with his girlfriend wasn't affected by what happened. but the 'relationship' between dj guy and me just bout changed forever.

anyhow it was a very sober night but still quite a lot of fun. i headed home relatively early and when i awoke, i found a text received at 3:51am...

the mind-reader: you out?

and i could almost feel myself being suckered in again...