consequences

i hate dtrs (define the relationship) and if i'm honest, i'm not always really honest with guys either. but i had to do it. i screwed up bad with dj guy and somehow i couldn't walk away from that.

so i headed down to cozy hole-in-the-wall to talk to dj guy. but when i got there, the bar was surprisingly crowded for a monday 7pm. and it threw me off even more 'coz his ex girlfriend was behind the bar with him... acting surprisingly close to him...

things were strained to say the least. but i couldn't help thinking that i'll be damned if i came all the way here only to wuss out on talking to him. finally i picked up my nerves and asked him if we could have a chat. he agreed.

and so i laid it all out. all my cards. my apologies. what happened. how i felt. i laid 'em out plain as day. more honestly than i have ever done so in my life. i almost passed out from all that honesty.

i could still see the hurt in his eyes. the way he was close to tears. and while he admitted that he liked me, his impression of me changed that night. and that basically ever since being cheated on twice by his ex girlfriend, he couldn't walk down that road again.

nevermind that i wasn't his girlfriend. or that technically we didn't owe each other any commitment even though we may or may not have been making out with only just each other. but i could understand where he came from. i mean i went through that whole drama with prick04 and my oldest school friend (though it's different 'coz prick04 was lucid and hitting on my oldest school friend who was also lucid). in fact i myself once proclaimed (in general) that my stand is that if either one cheats, then we're done. how could i blame him? but i never realised that i would be the one to 'cheat'.

so we hugged and cheek-kissed and are still friends. i'm glad that we talked 'coz it's much less strained now. but deep inside it really pains me. 'coz i realised that i really did like him and i messed up big time.

but i made my bed, i have to lie in it. i have to deal with the consequences of my actions. who knows that the future may hold... but for now there's no way. and i don't really wanna keeping wondering if there will ever be a way. i just need to move on and see how things go. besides i don't do the whole fight with another girl for a guy's affection thing.

all this is now forcing me to re-evaluate my life. i may never drink again... or at least not like that. not after what it has cost me... a possible chance with a guy i like. and that hurt look on his face is something i won't ever forget...

and i find sugarcult's song memory playing in my head (though i've mixed up the lyrics a lil)...

"this may never start
tearing out my heart,
can i be your memory?"