scaredy cat

i don't like dtrs (define the relationship). and i think it's mostly 'coz i'm scared. i'm just plain scared.

when the guy is interested and i'm not sure if i can reciprocate, i get scared. partly 'coz i like to maintain status quo and not rock the boat with "the talk". partly 'coz i'd like to preserve the friendship and avoid any of that awkwardness which inevitably comes after. and probably even a part of me wonders if maybe i'm just being too picky and maybe, just maybe, i should just give it a try 'coz afterall he likes me. but does he really make me want to give up the single life?

and when i'm interested in a guy and not sure if he can reciprocrate, i get scared. 'coz aboveall it's just bout the scariest thing on earth to put your heart on the line. and if you have to actually tell the person you like him? that's even scarier. it could go wrong in so many ways 'coz if it could go right, then shouldn't he have just showed it a bit more in the first place?

and that's why i avoid dtrs. 'coz if i had to explain it all, i wouldn't even be able to say it out properly in words. i'm terrible with emotion. and i'm probably even worse at having to express these emotions into words. i've been told by the ad-man that i'm cryptic and closed and this coming from a guy who knows that i think i've been the most open to him. for all the chatty, friendly person that i am, when it comes to talking bout how i feel, i just naturally clam up. it's like i've been too used to bottling it all up all along. i think i'm damaged and i don't even really know how that happened.

so i say i don't want to play games, but maybe subconsciously i do. and if so, it's not 'coz i like the game-playing or i think it's fun or i'm playing hard to get. no... if i do, it's 'coz i'm scared.