Monday, September 15, 2008

here lies the problem(s)

so most everyone just says "oh you should talk to him"... yeah i know communication is supposed to be the key and all that but honestly, it's really difficult sometimes.

let's say i decide to communicate... what medium should i use?

1) text
2) IM
3) face to face

text doesn't look too good 'coz i wouldn't know if a slow reply meant that he was busy at the moment or that he was freaking out and didn't know how to respond.

IM is the happy middle. it's interactive and real-time enough and yet spares everyone that embarrassing face to face chat. but the problem is that i've kinda attempted it before and it didn't seem to work too well...

face to face would be best if i wanted to "force" a timely response. but it's also the scariest thing to do ever. for real. and it brings up other problems of it's own...

like given the ways things have been going lately (and i'm starting to wonder if saturday's happiness was just an anormaly 'coz he seems very disconnected again, maybe even worst?), i would probably have to ask him out yet again. unless he somehow miraculously asks me out... which then if he did, i wouldn't feel quite as nervous bout the talk to begin with.

so then should i wait for him to ask me out (and possibly maybe wait till eternity or maybe just explode from bottling everything up) or sacrifice my dignity and ask him out again?

and if i do ask him out again, will it seem like i'm being too desperate?

my best friend's advice was not to think too much and just do. but how is that even possible? the only way i can not think too much is if i just gave up caring entirely. and sometimes i really wished i reached that point... 'coz then it would be so much easier...

but well the truth is, i care. which means that i can't stop the thinking. i wonder if he still likes me, why the reason for this disconnect, what kind of game he's playing, what is he thinking bout... all these kinda things that ultimately just messes with my mind.

or maybe to save my pride or whatever, i should just forget bout attempting to have the talk. maybe i should just pretend like all this doesn't bother me at all till hopefully i reach the point where it really doesn't bother me at all. what was that saying? fake it till you make it?

unless i drive myself crazy first with all these thoughts and emotions swimming around in my brain and heart...

then again a talk doesn't really guarantee that things will even be settled in some way or form. maybe i might come out of it just as confused. or maybe i will have my heart crushed. but maybe just maybe i might embark on an exciting relationship.

but then i would have to figure out what to say (should i even say it)... i have no idea what to say. i'm probably in search of a "script" to help me out.

i'm at such a loss. i don't think i've ever really been at such a loss like this before. what did i get myself into??

i need HELP!!!



At 7:14 PM, OpenID nevergoingbackagain said...

you owe it to yourself to talk to him. i have been in that place of uncertainty so many times & the thoughts and feelings aren't going to go anywhere...

the least he could say is 'no....' and then even though it will hurt a little you know that you tried and made an effort. at the end of the day though, do you want to be with someone who is going to leave you with so many questions and open ended feelings?

you deserve someone that wants to love you and be with you and do everything in his power to know that you know!

ps. that's a tricky one about "how" to do it. i tried the phone w/SB but it didnt work out that way so then i tried it over texting & he never responded and i havent heard from him since that text. but i guess no answer is the answer.

At 11:01 PM, Blogger Scotty said...

and if i do ask him out again, will it seem like i'm being too desperate?
Not at all!

Alright Jo... yes, can be difficult to start talking when you arent really used to it. So, please do not do via text, that is not-so-good.

Yes, definitely agree that IM would be easier. Talking would be the best, so lets take a little of each.

Type him an email. Tell him everything there, but also tell him that you dont want a response in email, just a time when he would like to talk about it face to face.

If you do the email with talking afterwards
1)email will be easier for you to write, since you will be able to think things out
2)with email you wont have the nervousness of waiting for what he is going to say after every sentence you write (instead youll just have to wait for a response to the email :) )
3)with email you can tell him you want to talk face to face
4)with email you will get a chance to say everything you want to, and give him a chance to think about it. It could be a bit to digest :)

If I were in your shoes, thats what I would do. In short, it takes everything, puts it in a basket, and makes him have the decision as to what to do with it.

At 2:50 AM, OpenID nevergoingbackagain said...

I agree with Scotty!

At 5:28 AM, Blogger SaneAndSingle said...

Pick up the phone and call him!!! Talk to him like that!

At 9:05 AM, Blogger Anomylous said...

I think you're just going to drive yourself nuts if you don't do it face to face, because man, I have tried to have talks over IM or even email, and it's so hard. Did you know that something crazy like 95% of effective communication is transferred through tone of voice and body language and only 5% is the actual words? haha, yeah, I learned that in my "Difficult Conversations" class.

I think you just need to say something like, "I feel like maybe something's going on between us, like, we don't communicate as often as we did when we first started dating." and see what he says, maybe he thinks all this is normal, but maybe he thinks it's weird too.

Or you could say, "I feel like you don't initiate talking or dates like you used to." I don't know, I mean, I've never had one of these talks before, but I think it's good to structure it like "when you do [this], it makes me feel like___" One thing I learned from my class was that you can't EVER assume the other person's intentions and the only way to find out is to ASK. Another important thing is to admit a little blame, as in "It might be my fault for not asking you this or bringing this up, which has kind of made it worse..." Because it deflects the blame off the other person and makes it seem like less of an attack.

Sorry, I don't mean to lecture, but for me, I found those things to be SO useful. I hope you figure out what to do. :o\

At 1:36 PM, Blogger jo said...

nevergoingbackagain: "you deserve someone that wants to love you and be with you and do everything in his power to know that you know!" -i thought you said that really well... it's just what i want...

scotty: omg! i can't believe it never occured to me at all to email! thanks so much. you've given me an excellent suggestion.

saneandsingle: he and i aren't realy the phone types so i think talking on the phone is kinda out.

anomylous: "difficult conversations" class eh? yeah i think this should be counted as a difficult conversation haha! but i love all your suggestions. the whole "i feel ___" and taking some of the blame are good advice.


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