i don't know

i thought i had a plan... yeah drummer boy and i could "date" or whatever without really defining it. sure i knew that there would be some level of emotional attachment and all but frankly i wasn't prepared for this.

the emotional attachment got pretty deep. and then suddenly i found myself doing things which i normally don't do. i started going down some strange thoughtful girlfriend-ish path. and then came the pulling back which left me in a state of distress. initially it was all good... that's the thing that kills me. it was great... and then suddenly it wasn't. but it was too late, he had already wormed his way into my heart and there was no way of yanking him out unless i ripped up my heart (and yes a lil gruesome analogy i know haha!).

today i thought bout really and truly letting it all go. heck i go back and forth on this all the time. for my sanity, i probably should. but then my heart isn't really listening to my head. i tried to play it cool but sometimes it's hard. he still IMs me and when that happens, it's normal for me to be my natural effervescence. which doesn't fall into the category of playing it cool.

i wondered bout even attempting to have a talk. maybe i shouldn't even bother. just act like all this doesn't phase me and phase him outta my life like i've done to other guys before. and yet maybe it's for my sanity that i try and give it one last chance to really talk it out and deal with the consequences. i don't know.

i'm trying to figure out what is the purpose that i'm trying to achieve with a talk. does this mean that i wanna be in a proper relationship with him? gosh i don't know. i want to and yet i'm too scared to. and i can't shake off the feeling that this doesn't really have the makings of a lasting relationship anyway. maybe all i want to achieve is clarity and understanding. why he's acting the way he is. and what does it all mean.

but that said, i've been toying with the idea of just giving up dating for the time being. i'm tired of it all and maybe instead of my usual method of multi-dating, maybe the best thing for now is to retire and hermit myself.