Thursday, September 11, 2008

i don't know

i thought i had a plan... yeah drummer boy and i could "date" or whatever without really defining it. sure i knew that there would be some level of emotional attachment and all but frankly i wasn't prepared for this.

the emotional attachment got pretty deep. and then suddenly i found myself doing things which i normally don't do. i started going down some strange thoughtful girlfriend-ish path. and then came the pulling back which left me in a state of distress. initially it was all good... that's the thing that kills me. it was great... and then suddenly it wasn't. but it was too late, he had already wormed his way into my heart and there was no way of yanking him out unless i ripped up my heart (and yes a lil gruesome analogy i know haha!).

today i thought bout really and truly letting it all go. heck i go back and forth on this all the time. for my sanity, i probably should. but then my heart isn't really listening to my head. i tried to play it cool but sometimes it's hard. he still IMs me and when that happens, it's normal for me to be my natural effervescence. which doesn't fall into the category of playing it cool.

i wondered bout even attempting to have a talk. maybe i shouldn't even bother. just act like all this doesn't phase me and phase him outta my life like i've done to other guys before. and yet maybe it's for my sanity that i try and give it one last chance to really talk it out and deal with the consequences. i don't know.

i'm trying to figure out what is the purpose that i'm trying to achieve with a talk. does this mean that i wanna be in a proper relationship with him? gosh i don't know. i want to and yet i'm too scared to. and i can't shake off the feeling that this doesn't really have the makings of a lasting relationship anyway. maybe all i want to achieve is clarity and understanding. why he's acting the way he is. and what does it all mean.

but that said, i've been toying with the idea of just giving up dating for the time being. i'm tired of it all and maybe instead of my usual method of multi-dating, maybe the best thing for now is to retire and hermit myself.



At 1:25 AM, OpenID nevergoingbackagain said...

well i definitely wouldnt retire and hermit altogether but i understand completely. i've tried to go on a "hiatus" from dating so many times...but i think this time i truly am going to do it. well, other than SF...but the guy is moving to Alaska, how much of a relationship can we have???

At 6:39 AM, Blogger Jade said...

Don't hermit yourself...but I do understand the frustrations the men and "relationship" ideas bring.

Treat yourself to something chocolate or wine OR shoes. You deserve it.

At 7:45 AM, Blogger SaneAndSingle said...

Don't hermit! Trust me! I've done it, and it cures nothing.

At 9:16 AM, Blogger Anomylous said...

ditto, hermiting sounds good on paper-just retreating til it all goes away and rights itself-except that's not what happens, instead you spiral downward into a bad place. i don't recommend it.

At 11:56 AM, Blogger jo said...

ALL: so i hear the consensus here is that i shouldn't be hermitting?
what bout if i just pour all my energy into work (since at any rate it's going to get crazy busy soon) and sports training and whatever time i have left with family and friends? does that constitute as hermitting?

i guess i'm just so tired of attempting to date. most of the time it doesn't even get beyond a couple of dates. and on the off chance that it does seem to be going well (like with the ad-man and drummer boy), it then just goes south really really fast. and i'm wondering what's the point in torturing myself like this. getting my hopes and then getting crushed.

At 7:50 PM, OpenID nevergoingbackagain said...

i think putting your energy into other things is a good idea...check out this article :

it kind of gave me a reason to go on a "hiatus".

At 1:54 AM, Blogger jo said...

nevergoingbackagain: i think the article is right... and also right bout detatchment being damn hard...

i spent my friday night working late and then reading in a bookstore all alone. not exactly the crazy partying i normally do but it was a nice change.

is that hermitting?

At 9:18 AM, OpenID nevergoingbackagain said...

no that is not hermitting...that is what i call my "me" time :)


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