trying to get back on track

i admit it… i’m weak. i caved in. i told myself not to contact drummer boy but last night i couldn’t help it and i initiated a conversation via IM. if you could in fact call it that… a conversation.

and that started me thinking…

i’ve never really thought that i had a self esteem issue. sure i’ve had times when i was filled with insecurity. but i reckoned no more or less than the average person. but sometimes i wonder if i may have a bit of a self esteem issue in the area of guys.

i mean i thought i knew my self worth. that i was worth more than that. worth more than the way i’ve sometimes been treated by some men. worth more than to tolerate the crappy way i’ve sometimes been treated. worth more to know not to settle and that i can eventually find that great guy who will treat me right.

i should know all that right?

and yet, sometimes from my previous guy happenings, i’m beginning to be not so sure if i actually do.

sometimes i wonder if i’m sending out some wrong vibes or something ‘coz i seem to be meeting a whole lotta crappy men. and that in turn gets me more jaded which in turn might make me send out even more wrong vibes. and hence perpetuating the vicious cycle.

not that i think that my jadedness is unfounded. in fact i think everything i’ve seen and gone through have made me learn not to be naïve. but now i have to learn not to get sucked into all of this. to be able to still believe that there can be a great guy out there.

so i was thinking that maybe this would really be a good time for me to just try and find my way back to sanity again. for me to rediscover myself and what i might be like underneath all the jadedness and the penchant to be familiar with melodies played in a minor key.

i have been going back and forth on the whole starting to “date” again thing. a part of me thinking that i should get back on the horse, so to speak. and another part of me being too tired and disillusioned to. yet after all that back and forth, i still arrive to the same conclusion.

i think i’m going to stop trying to “date” for a while. i mean if it does happen to come along then all well and good. but maybe all that trying in the past has just left me more jaded than when i started and i’m starting to think that that’s getting me nowhere.

i don’t promise it’s going to be easy. afterall i’ve been “serial dating” for too long that sometimes i wonder if i’m almost addicted to the drama of it all. and i’m definitely going to miss the making out. and all this not even pointing the obvious which is that i have to get over drummer boy.

but maybe all this is necessary for me to get back on track again. even though i’m not even sure exactly how to get back on track anyway…