here's looking at my changing marriage timeline

i've always wanted to get married. ever since i was a wee child, i knew that i wanted that happily ever after with a guy. what changed was the age at which i thought was marriage appropriate.

it started out with me thinking that 24 - 26 years old was the ideal age range. that notion stayed with me for the longest time... until i started drawing near to that age... marriage was nowhere in the cards. it's kinda hard when you don't even know anyone remotely possible needless to say have an actual boyfriend.

it was then that i revised my age range up by a few years to 26 - 28 years old. there, i thought that was more achieveable. surely i would be more matured and more settled by then. afterall my mom married at 28, i too should be able to hit that age. yeah well think again... there was still nary a boyfriend in sight and i had gotten too used to the single partying lifestyle and was accustomed to hanging out with my single party girlfriends who were in their 30s.

i decided not to think bout it too much but secretly probably pegged the age range to be 30 - 32 years old. in less than 2 months time i turn 30. the big 3. yes, i have a boyfriend of over a year. it looks entirely possible that i could meet my twice-revised to-be-married age range. except that strangely enough, all of this scares me.

i realised that i don't feel old, despite knowing the truth and truth is, i am kinda "old". but i suppose besides looking at least a good 5 years younger than my actual age, i sometimes have a bit of a peter pan complex (even though at the same time, in my typical contradictory manner, i'm rather mature). and oddly enough, i still feel young. too young to settle down in marriage. i feel like so much of my life is still up in the air. i still have a ways to go in my career. i'm not ready for marriage and the responsibilities that come along with it. things need to change but in some ways i'm happy right where i am.

somehow it was strange to hear that drummer boy was talking bout marriage with his current girlfriend of a year. they aren't looking to get married as yet, but it's in the cards in the next 3-5 years. well that's some planning there i suppose as they are starting to look for a suitable place to buy.

the alpha boy and i have talked bout marriage. he more than me. in such conversations, the time frame seems to be in the next 1-2 years though neither one of us are actually planning anything in order to hit that mark. and since there is a fair bit of planning to be done, i'm half likely to think that it's either he suddenly makes a ton of money such that finances isn't an issue or it's a really really small relatively unplanned wedding or marriage in the next 1-2 years wouldn't be possible. i'm not sure what i think of it all. i'm happy with the alpha boy in exactly the stage we are at now.

i still want to get married. that never changed. i just think that perhaps i'm scared to even think of taking that step towards that big giant leap and i still need some time to wrap my head around it.