maybe it is in our dreamscape that we bring the subconscious to the conscious

lately my nights have been filled with strange dreams. last night was no different, only yet, it kinda was.

before i hit the sack, i was on the phone per usual with the alpha boy. sometimes he has this uncanny ability to say the most annoying things which is all the more annoying when i'm trying to tell him something else. last night was one of those times.

perhaps i went to bed irritated at him. and maybe that somehow shaped my dream...

he dumped me. i don't even remember how he said it. i was shocked. but i said okay. and asked if this is it. he nodded. what i do remember vividly is the aftermath wave of emotions. i've never been in an official relationship before. i've never officially been broken up. for the most part i imagine it to feel rather terrible but i wouldn't really know.

and now maybe i kinda know. the awkwardness. when i saw him and had to call him by his name instead of terms of endearments that i've gotten used to. the absence of physical intimacy. when it was no longer appropriate to kiss him hello and goodbye and the most i would ever get is a lackluster hug. and definitely no other physicality. the pain. when i know that i've lost him forever and there wasn't a thing i could do bout it but wonder how did i manage to lose him in the first place. the uncertainty. when i realised that this meant i had to be back into the market again and wondered if i would ever find someone or be destined to walk the earth alone.

i tossed and turned in bed, drifted in and out of consciousness.

the sound of my alarm clock ringing was almost a reprieve as i woke to reality. it was almost as though the universe was giving me a peek as to what it would be like if we weren't together. those aren't exactly just reasons not to be apart, but it made me remember other reasons to stay together. reasons why i chose him in the first place, reasons why i love him. reasons i hope to remember the next time i'm annoyed with him.