the big secret

in recent months there's sorta been something going on... which then heightened in the last 2 weeks. it's something i've been holding as a secret. only 2 people in the entire world know. me and him. only 'coz it's so entirely wrong. and a secret it's going to stay. but i feel like i'm gonna burst if i don't at least try to sort all the thoughts in my head.

last night it came a time for a possible forced conclusion.

i hate it when it has to be all or nothing. but he can't do middle ground. he quoted lobo's don't expect me to be your friend...

"i love you too much to ever start liking you
so let's just let the story have an end
i love you too much to ever start liking you
so don't expect me to be your friend"

since last night my body and mind have been all outta whack. he sent me the song and hearing it made me cry. my emotions are all crazy.

and i don't even know why.

is is 'coz despite how wrong it is, i did develop some feelings for him?

is it 'coz i would be losing him as a friend? i've learnt to regard him as a close friend and confidant. and it kills me to think that i won't have that anymore.

i just wished we could rewind time to a month ago where we were good friends and nothing more had happened between us. but i suppose if we had continued being this close friends, something would have happened eventually. especially when he confessed that he had been denying his feelings for me for 10 years. way back when we barely even knew each other...

given his professions of love it's probably unfair of me to want to at least remain close friends. and given the circumstance perhaps even good friends is potentially wrong. on one hand i don't want to lose his friendship. on the other hand i'm not prepared to take this further 'coz it's just so wrong. too wrong for me to handle. and truthfully not the way i imagined things to be. not the way i imagined myself to ever act.

and that is why this secret will remain with me... and him. the only 2 people in the entire world to ever know.