the email

if i'm being honest with myself, i'll admit that when it comes to guys i'm not always very honest. i play games sometimes 'coz i'm scared. scared to lay my cards on the table. scared of a possible rejection.

this morning i received an email from the aussie podiatrist. his first email. finding his name in my inbox surprised me. and after all that happened on saturday i was a lil nervous. what could he possibly say? did it have anything to do with my party girl? could it be bout us? i didn't quite dare to read the email.

when i did, i wasn't sure what to make of it.

"i'm just emailing about what happened the other night. i just want to apologise for the way i acted. i was fairly drunk and it was wrong of me to kiss you the way i did. i don't want to sound rude, but it wasn't very nice of me to do so."

i was surprised that he even bothered to acknowledge what happened. all other random guys i've kissed never did actually acknowledge what happened (except for the youngest one. then again he was the only one i actually talked to for hours on the phone).

but of 'coz i knew there was a catch somewhere in this email...

"jo, i think you're a great girl, you're really funny and intelligent, but i can't offer you much more than being a good friend. i didn't mean to give you the wrong impression, but all i can offer you is friendship"

and there it was. the catch. the reason for his email.

"you deserve better than someone like me, someone who can actually offer you a quality relationship and spend time with you, not the dribs and drabs that i can offer"

along with it came the classic "you deserve better" statement. yes i already know that i deserve the best. then again it's hard to find someone who can actually offer me that quality relationship that i deserve.

"i'm very sorry jo, but can we just remain friends for the time being?"

the "let's be friends" is another classic statement. for the time being? what on earth does that mean? it's almost like giving false hope. not that i wished he had said "you?? no way!"

"please don't feel bad, you're an awesome girl and you can do much better than an average person like me."

there it is... the padding up. the "it's not you, it's me".

and of 'coz the final offer of the 'let's be friends' card...

"i hope we can still remain good friends. i'd like to be able to hang out with you still."

all that said, i have to admit that i admire his straightforwardness and courage.

"many other guys would have just stopped contacting or whatever and left the girl wondering what on earth went on there"

i should know. 'coz i've met my fair share of those guys.

"so i guess in some way i didn't dare to read too much into whatever that happened between us that night."

somehow i felt the need to be honest since he was being so honest. more honest than i usually am... ever.

"not that i regret anything or wished it didn't happen. i admit that i do like you but was also still in the whole getting to know you stage to seriously think of anything more than friendship."

now it was my turn to pad it up and accept the "let's be friends" offer...

"you're a great guy, funny and really nice to talk to and i would definitely love to hang out with you still and continue to get to know you better. wouldn't wanna lose a friend."

i still wasn't sure what to make of it.

then my party girl called me in the evening.

my party girl: babe did i give *insert the aussie podiatrist's name* my number?
jo: i don't know... why?
my party girl: 'coz he called me twice today

how strange. on the very day that he sends me a "dear jo" email. i admit that i felt weird and couldn't quite talk to my party girl bout it. though i appreciated that she wanted to let me know. they didn't talk much 'coz she was busy at work and i used that excuse to escape having to talk further with her.

but i admit that it messed me up inside.

and i realised that sometimes i'm scared that i'm scared that with every failure i'm becoming more beaten down. that sometimes it's soo tiring to keep going on and on with every emotional pain. and the worst thing is that i almost learned to live with the heartbreak.

later at night he called.

he apologised for emailing me instead of calling me but that he was busy. yes, and yet he could call my party girl twice.

i think it's kinda funny. he seemed nervous and stammered a lil when we were past the 'how was your day' pleasantries and got to talking bout the email. by comparison i was cool as a cucumber though the entire day i was pretty much a mess.

he explained that he just came to town and just got out of a relationship (which he told me bout before. his ex girlfriend of 6 years cheated on him.) he thinks i'm a (in his own words) top girl but that for the time being (what's up with him using this phrase?) we should just be friends. he then said that he wasn't that good a guy. i should have told him that a bad guy is already an improvement from a felon. before we ended the call, he said that he'd call me again and we'll hang out next week. we'll see.

anyhow i'm still not sure how i'm feeling bout it all. i think maybe i'll just try not to think too much bout it. doesn't help 'coz i do actually like the guy.