turn me on

it seems like recently i've been turning a few guys on in my IM conversations. not that i'm doing it on purpose much less some cyber sex chat thing. but apparently just chatting with me makes my not-so-platonic ex-friend "horny for" me and talking bout our past "dating" history gets this guy from the other online dating site "turned on".

which of 'coz then led to both of 'em essentially asking me out for a makeout session.

the decisions weren't exactly too hard to make...

i told myself before that i'm not gonna go there again with my not-so-platonic ex-friend. he's too wrong and it's wrong and i don't want to participate and perpetuate the cycle of wrong. besides he's a friend and i think it's best we leave it at that.

as for the guy from the other online dating site... well i admit that i was mildly tempted. i was feeling almost a bit reckless and possibly looking to shake things up. but at the same time i had to remind myself that i've never actually met him before. and a promise of a makeout session even before i even met the guy wasn't really an expectation i could handle. plus he was starting to kinda see this other girl...

and apparently even though the med student didn't ask me out for a makeout session, i still managed to "turn him on" in our IM conversation...

the med student: wait a min, i gtg bathe... i dun wanna my BO to diffuse all the way to ur computer
jo: hahaha! alritey :P
the med student: ur invited to join me if u wanna
the med student: its lonely to bathe alone... :P
jo: haha! well you're a lil far away...
jo: plus you don't remember me... and you shouldn't bathe with strangers right?
the med student: well... if we do share a hot shower, im sure ill remember u for life
jo: and if you have a cold shower alone, you'll definitely remember me for longer than that haha!
the med student: woah... ur so damn witty... wat a turn on

maybe i should stop engaging anyone in real life and keep it virtual since i seem to be scoring so well there...

so why bother?

my good friend predictably flaked on me again last night. really, why should i even be surprised? i mean we were supposed to catch up proper after her wedding (and honeymoon) but she's flaked on me so many times before that i think i must be the fool to even think that she wouldn't flake. anyhow once again i'm done there. i tried to be a friend but since she's not much of one, she's gonna have to decide when to meet me next (and possibly flake on me again).

anyhow that kinda left my wednesday night free. and my family friend's setup did initially ask to meet up so i decided to drop him a text to ask if he was still free. to cut a longer story short, turns out he wasn't. so we decided to meet next wednesday instead as planned.

and then i decided to meet up with my not-so-platonic ex-friend instead. okay so that part is a bit complicated. 'coz technically my not-so-platonic ex-friend did text me to ask what i was up to before i asked my family friend's setup if he was free to meet up. but i mean that conversation i had with my family friend's setup where he asked if i could meet was before my not-so-platonic ex-friend even suggested anything. i like to say that i have a "first come first serve" basis, though in this case even though it was that, it was probably 'coz i would have much rather gone out with my family friend's setup.

but even though i wasn't really feeling it, boredom drove me to meet up with my not-so-platonic ex-friend. we met up for beers and dinner with his colleagues. at some points the conversation got boring when they were talking shop. and then my family friend's setup turned up. kinda made me wonder if that was why he told me he wasn't free in the first place.

my not-so-platonic ex-friend's colleagues left and the three of us wound up at another bar for chivas. a female friend of my not-so-platonic ex-friend joined us there. a young, cute female friend. 'coz that's really anyone that he hangs out with. he did put some moves on me by constantly telling me privately that the way i smell drives him wild. yeah well he's still wrong and i think i'm not going down that path again... even if i haven't made out with a guy in too long.

so we just played card games and drank. i was definitely keeping the alcohol in check since i haven't exactly been feeling in the pink of health lately and wasn't really in the mood to get crazy drunk. for the most part i think i was just bored.

boredom drove me to head out... but boredom also drove me to head home.

at 12.15am i decided to call it a night. normally my family friend's setup sends me (and my not-so-platonic ex-friend) home since we live on the same side of town. but he was waiting for my not-so-platonic ex-friend to call the shots and he (my not-so-platonic ex-friend) didn't wanna head home yet. so i decided to find my own way back home alone.

the journey back allowed me some time to think. i laughed at myself for ever once thinking that my not-so-platonic ex-friend meant anything to me. or me to him for that matter. he's very wrong. that's always been a given. but even if the situation weren't wrong, he's still a very wrong guy in general.

as for my family friend's setup, there are still times when i remember why i ever thought that he had real potential. so maybe i don't see that much especially when he's with my not-so-platonic ex-friend who by the way is a terrible influence. but that said, i know that i just have to be unbothered with him. if he wants to, he knows how to find me. but it doesn't seem like he really wants to.

at 1.30am i received a text...

family friend's setup: hey i apologize if i said anything offensive tonight... a bit on the high side

only that he didn't say anything offensive (then again i'm not easily offended). he wasn't on the high side when i left him but he certainly was by the time he sent this text haha! gotta love the tipsy text.

i replied 'coz i'm nice like that and 'coz well... a part of me still does like him (dammit!!)

jo: offensive? nah not at all... i was just really tired and needed to call it a night. anyhow hope you guys had fun...

but honestly all this is just reminding me how i really just shouldn't bother. it makes me wanna date like a man. multidate. makeout without regrets. only that i don't have any candidates...

no chances

sometimes i wonder if i'm "sabotaging" my chances for some random stories...

like when i passed up a chance to meet up with not-so-shy texan in order to meet up with my party girl and of 'coz tipsy text dj guy.

today just as i was leaving the office, not-so-shy texan texted to ask me out to a club for drinks later at night. incidentally it was the place where we first met and made out. and one of the places where he hangs out on wednesday nights. so what did i do instead? i decided to head home. okay well i could have gone to meet him except that he was meeting his work friends first before heading to the club and he only invited me to join his work friends a lil too late... when i was already on my way home.

yesterday my not-so-platonic friend kinda invited me out for drinks with his colleagues. what did i do instead? i kept my appointment for a trial personal training lesson at the gym. then again it's obvious that my not-so-platonic friend has found other females to behave inappropriately with. other younger females. yeah well he's very wrong so i really shouldn't feel anything anyhow.

and then there were the 2 calls and a text that i purposely missed from youthful-looking guy. it's funny 'coz even though his number is saved in my phone (as kinda a reminder not to respond), for some strange reason my phone is not showing up his name when he calls or texts. it's like my phone is boycotting him all on its own.

and then suddenly it hit me that the last time i had a makeout session was over a month ago! and the last time i had a good makeout session was over 3 months ago!! that's just crazy!

yes, a lot of fun i'm certainly not having...

not quite 27 dresses just yet

last night my best friend's sister, her boyfriend and i went to watch 27 dresses. i was excited to watch it. i knew it would be just the kind of movie i would enjoy. and i did.

the movie got to me. when katherine hiegl's character talked bout how her favorite part of a wedding is when the bride walks in and how she likes to look at the groom, i could so relate 'coz that's always been my favorite part of a wedding too. seeing the look on the groom's face as he is so happy and in love. and i can imagine that when i do walk down that isle, i'll see my husband-to-be's face just like that. yes, i'm a bit of a sap like that.

i thought that james marsden's character was so sweet and proactive. i found myself wishing that i could meet a guy just like that. and if he looked just like that, that would be a bonus too (afterall when i first saw james marsden act in the tv series second noah over 10 year ago, i deemed that he was the perfect guy). i even like the whole play-fighting thing too.

but strangest of all, this movie made me feel sad and hopeful all at the same time...

maybe i need to help some friends plan their weddings. some 27 friends to be exact. well so far i've only been part of the bridal entourage 3 times. looks like i have a way more to go before meeting that awesome guy who will pick up my lost filofax (nevermind that i don't even have one... ooh maybe i should start keeping one...) and pencil his name in for an appointment with me every saturday. give me flowers, change my ringtone to "our song" and turn up at places where i'm expected to be. in fact he just might be like a creepy stalker type if he weren't as sweet and cute. i think i need a weird 'hobby' to make him intrigued. or do you reckon just being undeniably quirky is enough?

****

tonight i met up with chatty triathlete. it must have been one of the quickest meeting ups i've ever had... ever. we were done with dinner, returned each other's stuff and did a lil checking out of a sports store all in less than an hour flat.

so bout his new girlfriend... apparently she's nothing like me. she's 3 years older than him (i am 2 years younger than him), loves shopping and isn't the athletic type. but oh well something somehow must fit with him. 'coz they are talking bout marriage.

it's crazy. when did people suddenly skip right past the whole dating stage and went straight into discussing marriage after a month of being together? or is it 'coz we're all at the age where if you know (or at least think you have a pretty good idea) that this person is right for you, then there's no point in having a long courtship. might as well just get to it already.

thanks. way to go to put the pressure on a very single girl who hasn't had a date in months and can't even seem to find someone she likes who treats her right.

****

so after a really busy time at work recently and chatty triathlete leaving me at 7.30pm to head home to call his girlfriend (yes, i'm bout to puke from all that mush), i wasn't in the mood to head home just yet.

in the end, my not-so-platonic ex-friend asked me to join him and his colleague for some beers. i needed that. but i also wasn't looking to have a late night since i knew that work wasn't going to get any less busy and i needed to be fully functioning. but despite that, leaving at 9.30pm wasn't exactly what i had in mind either.

i guess it was somewhat fun. as usual my not-so-platonic ex-friend was winding me up a lil. and then he left me which reminded me again of why he's so wrong. not that i ever wanted to really go there anyway...

honestly my emotions are just all over the place. and i'm just struggling. damn, i just need something to work out in my life...

till the end of the year

neither my party girl nor the yummy mommy was looking to head out on friday night, so it seemed like an opportune time when my family friend asked me to join him and a few other friends (some of whom i know including my family friend's setup) to party.

i was much earlier than the rest so while waiting, i spent some time staring at a fountain nearby. now, i love water bodies. i've always said that when i'm in the water, i'm in my element. which might be a lil ironic (or perhaps just makes a whole lotta sense) since i'm supposed to be a fire sign. not that i really believe in any of that. but i digress... anyway so i'm staring intently at the fountain, losing myself in the flowing water and drowning out the busy sounds around me to just only hear the sound of the rushing water. it's amazing. i felt so calm.

and then i started thinking...

it occured to me with a bit of a shock that since i first liked someone in the beginning of 1997, i've never really been fancy free. that's close to 11 years of for the most part at least having some sort of a crush. i wonder if i've forgotten how to be truly fancy free.

i thought bout how i really need to start over, wash the slate clean just as water washes things clean. and it seemed fitting that it's nearing the end of the year. what better way than to start the new year afresh. to rid myself of the guys baggage, to be fancy free.

but of 'coz a lil cheeky thought crept into my mind... that means from now till the end of the year i get to dredge up as much past guys as i want haha!

and i think i almost did...

it was my first time partying with the guys and for the most part it was kinda fun. there were quite a few young girls there as well and they just seemed so... young. i say it like i'm really old but somehow sometimes 22 year old girls just come across as so immature. so i just pretty much left my not-so-platonic ex-friend to chat with the young girls, one of whom is his colleague who he admitted to me does it for him. yes, that's just the charm of my not-so-platonic ex-friend. he's too wrong and i couldn't be bothered anyway. besides that just means i'm safe from any of his blatant attempts to try and hit on me right? yeah well in a way i suppose... 'coz by the end of the night he did kiss me on the lips twice. thankfully no one saw... i hope...

but aside from young girls and trying to avoid my not-so-platonic ex-friend, it wasn't too bad. one of the guys who i know told me that he was glad that i was there 'coz he was starting to feel like he was babysitting the young ones. i was glad that he was there too 'coz we get along pretty well. he's a funny fella.

and i was especially glad that my family friend's setup was there. and even more so when it seemed that we got along really well. maybe it's the alcohol but it was all very jokey and friendly... and maybe even a wee bit flirty? perhaps it's in my mind, but i liked his eye contact. i felt completely at ease with him. which is probably dangerous coupled with my attraction to him 'coz i'm sure i was pretty cheeky and somewhat touchy feely. but then again when i'm comfy, that's just me. i hug my male friends so it's not that big a deal to me. but later i wondered if it was a good idea to have hugged my family friend's setup after he walked me to my doorstep. i'm just not sure what's going on in his mind.

i like him. i definitely like him. i just have till the end of the year to indulge myself in such thoughts before his mark on my slate has to be wiped clean... but i still keep hoping that he will step up to the plate...

that restless feeling

i've noticed that of late i've been becoming more restless on a wednesday night.

last night wasn't really supposed to be a night to head out... but i was restless and anticipating an early morning on friday so i suggested to not-so-platonic ex-friend to bring forward our meeting up tonight to yesterday night.

he had made informal plans to meet my family friend's setup and couldn't quite give me an answer though he suggested perhaps we all meet together. but in the end he decided to have a boy's night out in the girlie bars.

for some reason i was more 'affected' by it than i should be. afterall it's not the first time i've heard of boys and those girlie bars. i knew staying at home would have made me even more restless and unsatisfied. i just had to get out for a beer. but even as i made plans to meet up with my party girl, i could still feel myself being slightly 'annoyed'.

i can't quite pinpoint it... i mean i fully expect girlie bars to be not-so-platonic ex-friend's thing. and 'coz he's so wrong that i don't even think bout it, therefore it's okay. maybe it was just the feeling that i'm getting more and more distant with my family friend's setup and that i start to wonder if he's capable of the things not-so-platonic ex-friend is capable of.

it turned out to be pretty fun with my party girl. just what i needed to distract myself. we had a couple of beers in a bar that i've never been to before heading over to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar to chill out.

the bartender aka dj guy did a good job of distracting me. after most everyone had left except for a bunch of youngsters we don't know (as in they weren't the regulars) lounging around upstairs, we made out at the bar. the process of me actually getting out of the bar turned out to be a 15 mins affair 'coz i kept getting distracted by dj guy's kisses. it was sweet. a lot of soft kisses (he says he loves my lips) and a few intense ones thrown in for good measure. it was also cheeky in that playful biting way. we almost couldn't quite stop kissing.

but eventually i got out of the bar and not into the store where he half wanted to bring me to... and i half wanted to follow him into...

in denial

it's been over a week since my family friend's setup and i have met up. and strangely it feels kinda weird. 'coz for the last at least 1.5 months we've been meeting up weekly.

maybe he's busy. afterall he does have work and school. i mean i'm busy with work and school too. in fact next week is exam week so i've been on a self imposed hibernation. but we could still do our weekly lunches right? except that sometimes he doesn't come into the office till later. or that he doesn't ask though i've asked at times.

i suppose i still don't get the feeling that he's interested. we get along great, that's a given. but interested? i'm just not sure.

the problem is that on friday night, as i was walking alone late at night from one club to another, confused and post 3 drinks, i admitted to myself how i really felt bout my family friend's setup. and the truth is i feel quite strongly.

which of 'coz in my typical fashion, should make me wanna run for the hills. to reel back my feelings, to want to find someone new to help me stop liking that person that much.

i'm terrible with emotion.

i admitted this to not-so-platonic ex-friend after he noted that i had brushed off a romantic comment of his with a joke.

not-so-platonic ex-friend: i think you guard yourself against it
not-so-platonic ex-friend: denying you feel anything
not-so-platonic ex-friend: for fear that feeling will bring hurt

i don't deny that.

i am scared. i don't dare to let myself feel too much. liking someone that much makes me vulnerable and gives him too much control. a lot of things in my life is spinning outta control, so i like to try and have some control. even when i know i really don't.

so i just try not to get too emotionally involved. it's hard. it's practically impossible. i'm probably lying to myself 'coz truth is, i do get emotionally involved. i just try to deny it in hopes that i can get out of that emotional involvement.

waiting for the other shoe to drop

i was everywhere on friday night. trying to juggle all my different friends who somehow all wanted to party on one same night.

i met up with my party girl and her guy friend (who i also know) for dinner. and then i made a short detour to meet up with not-so-platonic ex-friend who was out having drinks and asked me to come join him.

so not-so-platonic ex-friend and i have recently become friends again. and for some reason, a part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. i didn't know that he was having drinks with his colleagues. so it was a lil strange to have him hit on me in front of 'em. he was all huggy veggy and trying to be kissy with me. he even told his colleagues that i was going to be his new wife. it made things more complicated when it was obvious that one of his colleagues (a cute guy a year younger than me) was totally trying to flirt with me. so there i was, suddenly at the receiving end of attention from 2 guys.

and it felt weird.

normally it probably would have been almost an ego boost. but given the complicated situation, all this just felt strange.

after bout an hour of such weirdness, i left to join my party girl and the yummy mommy at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. it was a nice chillout time per usual. which was good to stop my mind from racing and thinking bout what just happened.

the bartender aka dj guy and i had a brief lil chat. nothing too exciting. we didn't kiss. not even a simple peck on the lips. it would have been interesting if we did. then at least i could say that i pecked 2 guys in one night.

later i went to join some ex-colleagues in another club. it was good to dance it out. it's just been so long since i've danced. too many of my going-out nights have been spent chilling out at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. don't get me wrong... i totally love it there. i just feel absolutely comfy there and of 'coz there's always dj guy to get me distracted. but sometimes it's nice to be in another club listening to a live band and dancing it out.

after all the excitement, i still managed to go back home early like i planned.

i awoke briefly at 6.48am to my phone beeping a message...

not-so-platonic ex-friend: it's amazing how your fragrance stays on my hands so long. love the way you smell.

things are just so complicated. i have no idea what i'm doing or what is happening. it's all so wrong. and through it all, i'm just afraid of things going sour and losing his friendship entirely.

it still feels like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...

while waiting...

so i haven't really been talking bout my family friend's setup much lately. doesn't mean that i haven't been talking to him or meeting up with him. in fact we talk a lil on IM almost every work day. and i've been meeting up with him once a week... even if it's just for lunch.

things are pretty much as normal. which means that we have a great time together but that's bout it. we still go dutch. and i still have no idea if we're totally platonic or platonic bordering on the maybe future not so platonic.

that said, try as i might, i still find that currently he's the one with the most potential. but since nothing is actually happening, i'm still out there 'in the field'.

am i a player?

i really don't think so...

i was talking to a good friend in vancouver bout the recent happenings with my family friend setup and dj guy...

vancouver friend: hahaha - wow, you're like a player!!!
jo: i'm not! haha!
jo: i've known him for years
jo: we've always had this chemistry thing going on
vancouver friend: that's so cool of you guys to go for it
jo: there isn't a future for us
jo: it was just a chemistry thing
jo: so it was nice to go for it just based on chemistry
vancouver friend: you're like my hero right now! lol
vancouver friend: i love it!!
vancouver friend: you're making out with guys you don't care about, just cuz you can! and you're dating other guys at the same time and just chilling out taking your time sorting through them
vancouver friend: that's awesome

i don't know if it's all that awesome.

i mean it would be nice if i could find someone who i actually liked, who liked me back. it's just that while i'm waiting for that person to appear, i'm trying to have some fun.

that said the weekend was rather slow.

my party girl and i did hang out at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar for a while. but it was really crowded and thus losing it's cozy feel which is part of the reason why i love it there in the first place. and somehow i just wasn't feeling the crowd. the bartender aka dj guy was just bout going crazy with handling the bar pretty much on his own. we did a lil eye contact flirting across the bar but he was definitely too busy for any lip locking action. oh well... hopefully this weekend...

for the last 3 weeks, my not-so-platonic ex-friend has been back to being my friend again. we've been chatting on IM and things seem to be the same as they were before. though i have been very hesistant in meeting up with him alone 'coz i know how things will go. and i'm afraid that things will go sour. i need him in my life too much to want things to end badly again. he also admitted that he needed me in his life. and that wasn't meant as a come on. he said that i bring out the best in him. i believe he meant literary wise. i'm like his muse. but while there is admittedly a fair amount of chemistry, it's still very wrong.

so what am i doing with all these guys who i have no future with? is good chemistry good enough for now? ultimately it's still all random... and i would like something a lil more settled...

i guess i'm just waiting it out...

a dating 'process'

it has been a busy weekend...

on saturday i met up with shy (now ex) colleague. a few weeks ago he had just gotten back from a 2-week holiday in europe and i was eager to see his pictures and catch up with him. we had a really great time. despite our 6-year difference, we get along amazingly well. i think that if there wasn't such a large age difference and that we liked each other romantically, i would have definitely considered him.

yesterday i met up with poet guy. he came to meet me with 3 stalks of purple roses. it was quite a surprise. and admittedly a lil overwhelming. we've talked online quite a lot but somehow face to face we didn't quite hit it off. maybe 'coz i felt zero attraction for him and there just wasn't any chemistry. he wasn't eloquent (and that is rather important to me) and he wasn't attractive either. whenever he touched my arm lightly i would have this urge to jump a distance away. we watched a movie (which thankfully spared us 2 hours of having to make smalltalk) and had dinner. by 9pm i decided to use the excuse that i was under the weather the day before (well it's the truth) and said i wanted to head on home to rest early. i kinda feel bad... he seems like a nice guy... a lil overwhelming but a nice enough guy i guess... but i think we should just be online friends.

in other news the french banterer has booked me for 14 aug and invited me to a concert by a rather famous singer. i have a feeling it's sorta like my birthday treat from him.

the random guy from my friend's wedding has continued to text me everday. that would make it over a week since we first got to know each other. he asked me out to party on saturday night but i just wasn't feeling up to it. and he texted me later in the early morning to find out if i was hanging out somewhere else.

as for my family friend's setup, i kinda like him... but i think that if i'm gonna continue to do so, he really needs to step up his game and start impressing. i mean we go dutch. and if he drives me to work, i'll have to buy him lunch. i'm not materialistic but i don't view that as coming from a guy who is interested in a girl. which then leads me to think that perhaps he's just not interested. and that means i really need to reel back any feelings i have and move on. it's best for me.

bad dates, guys you're giving a chance even if you're not sure if there's a future, guys you're not even sure if you should give a chance to, guys you like but aren't sure if they like you back...

gosh dating can really be hard...

****

my not-so-platonic ex-friend came back online. and it really made me smile. it was so good to know that he came back to talk to me bout his bad day. i'm not sure if this means he'll be back again but it was nice to have him back even only for a while...

back to reality...

so for those who were wondering where i've poofed to... well i was away on a company trip... it was only for 4 days but it was still nice to know that i've been missed here...

the trip was good. i really needed a break. it probably would have been better if it was with my own friends instead of the office people but thankfully i bonded with the new girl so it wasn't that bad.

in between free moments i found myself missing my not-so-platonic ex-friend and texted him. turns out he was thinking of me too. i think in some ways we are still thinking of each other. it's just that due to the extreme complication of things and things being extremely wrong, we're just trying not to go there again. doesn't stop my brain from playing tricks on me. in fact one morning i could have sworn that i got a text from him. but in actual fact i didn't. it was just a blurring of dreamscape and reality.

that said, i did get some texts from the guy i met via online dating who said that he likes me. he was flying away on a business trip the day i was flying back. so that means we won't be chatting online this week like we have been doing loads of that lately. he seems like a nice guy even though i'm not sure if i have any special feelings for him. but we're arranging to meet up soon. we'll see what happens...

i miss my interesting lunches

every morning on my way to work, i plug in my earphones and i'm transported into a musical world of my own...

this morning finch's letters to you was playing... a song i haven't heard in a while... but where the lyrics always captured me...

"i want you to know that, i miss you, i miss you so"

and at that point i felt the pain of missing my not-so-platonic ex-friend. i nearly wrote him an email. i could certainly feel an email drafting in my head. but thankfully for these things, by the time i get to work and get caught up with other stuff, the feeling fades a lil. afterall i'm sure he wouldn't respond...

****

when i saw my family friend's setup come online just before noon, i decided to say hey. i haven't talked to him in what seems like a while and besides i'm usually the one to say hey. we had a bit of a chat bout what we were up to during the weekend (mine included meeting up with pool boy and some of his friends for a local gig. that was pretty fun.).

then somehow it wound up that i had to lunch alone. not that i mind 'coz sometimes i really like to get out alone to have my own space and clear my head. when i told my family friend's setup that i was heading out alone for lunch, he said that he always believed that lunch shouldn't be consumed alone. so i cheekily asked if he felt like driving out. in the end since he works nearby, he wound up picking me up for lunch.

though it wasn't too long a lunch, it was good fun as usual. we do absolutely get along. even if the conversation topic didn't go much beyond new jobs, running shoes and the difference in the age at which men and women peak sexually. i love interesting lunches.

when the cosmics come out to play...

i thought yesterday was gonna be just like any other normal day when i got home tired out from having to go to school after a full day's work.

then i noticed a text that i had missed earlier...

family friend's setup: yo *insert names of a few people that we drank with previously including my family friend* and myself are at *name of particular bar* near *particular location*.. you wanna join us after your class?

gosh did i ever. i could do with a beer... and i don't even usually drink beers.

and i do admit that i was interested to see my family friend's setup again even though it was in a group.

the sweet guy surprised me by volunteering to pick me up from my place. yeah well my place was pretty near the location of the bar but i thought it was nice of him to volunteer anyway 'coz i really didn't think of asking him to at all.

i wasn't at the bar long but it was still a pretty good time.

****

just when i was thinking of him... my friend turned not so platonic friend turned not quite friend anymore... coincidence would have it that i should meet him. we tried to act normal. but in some ways i could tell things weren't really normal.

after seeing him i was left with strange feelings... i've definitely missed him... missed his friendship and advice... so later i dropped him a friendly text... he replied and i replied back.

that was it.

not-so-platonic ex-friend is definitely keeping a distance. that much i can really tell. it makes me sad... i wish i didn't have to lose his friendship...

when you're blue

maybe there was a reason why all along i used to think that it was not a good idea to get involved with a friend. 'coz if you're comfy enough to start getting involved, when you get uninvolved you lose everything, including the friendship.

i should have known. but i didn't. and got myself even more entangled by getting into something that was so wrong.

he was away on business over the weekend. he was still texting me then. the usual.

today he appeared on IM for the last time. he said that it was the worst weekend he ever had. he had given it immense thought. and as painful as it is, he's decided he's gonna say goodbye. he gave me a last IM kiss (and i suppose a last kiss in general), told me to take care and bid me farewell.

his parting words came from a song...

"pretend you're happy when you're blue"

with that, the tears fell...

the big secret

in recent months there's sorta been something going on... which then heightened in the last 2 weeks. it's something i've been holding as a secret. only 2 people in the entire world know. me and him. only 'coz it's so entirely wrong. and a secret it's going to stay. but i feel like i'm gonna burst if i don't at least try to sort all the thoughts in my head.

last night it came a time for a possible forced conclusion.

i hate it when it has to be all or nothing. but he can't do middle ground. he quoted lobo's don't expect me to be your friend...

"i love you too much to ever start liking you
so let's just let the story have an end
i love you too much to ever start liking you
so don't expect me to be your friend"

since last night my body and mind have been all outta whack. he sent me the song and hearing it made me cry. my emotions are all crazy.

and i don't even know why.

is is 'coz despite how wrong it is, i did develop some feelings for him?

is it 'coz i would be losing him as a friend? i've learnt to regard him as a close friend and confidant. and it kills me to think that i won't have that anymore.

i just wished we could rewind time to a month ago where we were good friends and nothing more had happened between us. but i suppose if we had continued being this close friends, something would have happened eventually. especially when he confessed that he had been denying his feelings for me for 10 years. way back when we barely even knew each other...

given his professions of love it's probably unfair of me to want to at least remain close friends. and given the circumstance perhaps even good friends is potentially wrong. on one hand i don't want to lose his friendship. on the other hand i'm not prepared to take this further 'coz it's just so wrong. too wrong for me to handle. and truthfully not the way i imagined things to be. not the way i imagined myself to ever act.

and that is why this secret will remain with me... and him. the only 2 people in the entire world to ever know.