mutual liking in the same measure

sometimes when i'm crazy busy the way i can be sometimes, i don't even have the time to think. but on a rare slow day at work, i found myself revisiting this thought. it's always been there... in the back of my head... only to resurface every now and then...

do you ever find that sometimes you like someone more due to 'coz he likes you rather than 'coz you actually do like him.

well sometimes i find that's the case for me. prick04 being the most obvious case. though on hindsight i'm not even sure if i could trust whatever he ever said bout being in love with me.

maybe it has something to do with what i always hear people say bout finding a guy who likes me more than i like him. so i happen to find such a guy. and i try to like him. 'coz he likes me and is sweet to me. i try to like him. maybe i even do succeed in doing so a lil... but he's still not the person my heart chooses.

no siree... 'coz my heart instead chooses to truly like the guys who i can't have. or the guys who won't have me. yes, my heart has a mind of it's own.

this whole realisation wasn't triggered by any particular event. i mean it's not like at the moment i'm trying to like a guy i don't really like just 'coz he likes me. though i admit that the thoughts probably stemmed from when i was thinking bout how it's been one week since he and i stopped contacting entirely.

what's more disturbing bout this realisation is that i realised that that's the case for most of the guys i've dated. it's like somehow i never really did truly like anyone i ever dated. and that realisation kinda makes me sad.

i guess that's why it never did work out with any of those guys i've dated. i couldn't just settle for 'em liking me more than i liked 'em. 'coz all i really want is just a guy who i really like to really like me back... equally.

but i don't know if it's possible... maybe there will always be one party in the relationship who likes the other party more. and for me, there's just this chance that since i can't seem to settle, it may be me that's the party who likes the other party more...