living life

according to my parents, i was always a cautious kid. i would never simply jump off a ladder or a swing. what i did instead was to survey the situation and then put my foot out cautiously...

so much of that character trait still remains today. well okay so maybe i've grown up to be a bit crazier in general. but as a kid, what kept me from cuts and bruises and broken limbs, as an adult, has kept me from sometimes truly living life.

i view myself as pretty risk adverse. i like to know the pros and cons before jumping into anything. in fact i seldom jump into anything. on the up side, i rarely make mistakes so devasting that i can't undo. on the down side, i can take so long to access the situation that i could 'miss the boat'.

it's kinda the same with guys... since i was young, i told myself that i was gonna have standards. not that it's wrong to have standards. i still maintain that i'm not bout to just settle for any ole guy. and i still don't think that my standards are largely unachieveable either. i mean is it too much to ask for a nice guy who i get along with and feel attracted to and vice versa? if it is, someone better tell me soon so that i can settle for any port in the storm.

what this cautious and risk adverse side of me has brought about is this mental pros and cons checklist. same religion? check. sense of humour? check. cute? ooh check check check. drinks, smokes and swears like a sailor? check. crap.

but if i actually like the guy, maybe that should count for something? perhaps i should do more of a weighted average kinda scale? i'm kidding. really... i am.

after everything i've gone through, i think that i really need to learn to open my heart more... even if it means risking possible heartbreak in the future. to go more with my feelings even if the checklist doesn't seem to tip in favor of the pros. 'coz i've learnt that there's nothing like feeling really strongly towards someone. and i don't think that that feeling comes around ever so often. and it's only with passion that i feel i've truly lived.