dating issues

i really, seriously, honestly need to date.

i'm not kidding. i need to get back into the swing of things even though i never really got into that swing to begin with.

but i've just been increasingly starting to realise that i've been increasingly left out in many things in life. it's all too easy to just let life past you by with each passing day. i feel like i'm so busy. and yet when i really think bout what am i actually doing, i can't come up with a whole lot besides some vague answers.

so why dating?

well for one, it would give me more stories to talk bout here...

and for another... as much as dating scares me, i think imagining a lifelong of walking alone scares me more. besides i mean i see most everyone doing the dating thing. so why can't i? why haven't i?

the problem with dating is 'coz there's that whole thing where you actually need a guy to be involved as well. and dealing with another person can be tricky.

i've long been considered to be a rather private person. i think i'm scared that if someone really knew me, maybe they won't like me afterall.

perhaps it has to do with past experiences or whatever, but i approach dating with an almost 'fatalistic' manner. i try not to get too emotionally attached. though of 'coz that's a load of rubbish. 'coz who am i kidding? i totally get emotionally attached. i think i'm just the type to get emotionally attached easily. my main fear of opening up is that i could get my heart shattered into a million pieces when he walks out. and due to this pesky ability to get emotionally attached, i think my heart has been broken too many times. each time serves as a reminder of how i really shouldn't get emotionally attached. but i guess i just can't help myself.

and the environment at large doesn't help much...

all around i see people casually randomly hooking up. it just seems so easy to randomly meet someone and just make out or hook up or whatever. and to be honest, i can't even say that i haven't done the random thing. but where does dating come in? i've never actually dated anyone i've randomly made out with. well okay so there was just one guy. not-so-shy texan. and even then we didn't really date. we only went out once long after the first time we met when we made out. and it was probably only 'coz we kept running into each other after that time. in fact a month ago i just ran into him again. we exchanged numbers again (for like what seems to be the 5th time) and a week later he texted me saying that we should meet up again. i politely agreed. he never actually asked again with a definite day in mind so i'm just not bothering too much.

but i suppose at the core, i'm not really looking for just a casual random one-time thing. i want that feeling of possibility. to give my heart a chance to really feel (as scary as that may be) and to feel that he too feels strongly for me.

i think maybe it should be a sin for someone to express initial interest and not follow through.