the crush

sometimes i think i'm prone to the sudden ferocious crush. i like the rush of meeting a new interesting guy and thinking bout him. the way he makes me feel. the way possibility makes me feel.

i crush with a passion and i like that kind of passion. but it's also my demise.

recently i haven't really been able to get the mind-reader outta my mind. he shows some signs of being a possible player type. it's strange 'coz i don't really get that vibe from him too much when i see him. but when i don't, i get that vibe. or maybe it's just me assuming that all bad boy perpetually drinking guys are players.

but i've been thinking bout him with a frequency that is starting to scare me and make me wanna find someone new. i wanna hang out with him. actually even considering to ask him out.

i don't know if it's 'coz i'm just really attracted to him. or if it's 'coz he totally read me like an open book. or maybe 'coz i knew that i was absolutely suffering from performance anxiety during our bathroom escapade that i want a do-over (though i might need to drink a bit more first haha!). the performance anxiety which he straight up noticed and even pointed out a possible explanation for. an explanation that immediately brought me back to a time and place in feb 2004, where something happened with prick04 that caused us to originally crash and burn. a time and place i thought i had moved on from but maybe i really hadn't... maybe in some subconscious way it has affected me. just like so many other things that has happened with prick04.

that's probably why i felt vulnerable with the mind-reader. within a short time, he had tapped into 'scars' that i don't talk bout. brought to mind an incident which took me 6 months to even tell my best friend bout. and even scarier still, he made me almost wanna share the incident and my thoughts and feelings behind it.

perhaps that's the type of connection i felt. and when i feel a connection, it's hard to untangle myself. even if i think he could be a player type who isn't really giving me the time of day.

and that was evident over the weekend.

i was out chilling out with the yummy mommy and a bunch of older guy friends on friday night. there was a lot of drinks and it was pretty fun even if there was absolutely no one i was interested in. but when i get that much drinks in me, i kinda want to find someone i'm interested in. hence i texted the mind-reader who an hour later replied. turns out he was quite a distance away but was intending to head over to my side of town and said that he would call later. well he never did.

on saturday he came online and chatted with me. neither one of us mentioning how he was supposed to call on friday night. through the course of our conversation he kinda mentioned that if i was free, to come down to a club that night where he and his friends would be at. so the yummy mommy and i went down. but he didn't answer my text and we didn't meet him. he still hasn't answered my text.

which is when i think that i should just give it up while it's still 'early'. dang i hate crushes.