haunted by the past

recently my IM went all wonky and i somehow lost all my blocked contacts list. this basically means that all the people i've blocked before are now able to see me online.

that's not good news 'coz that means that i'll be getting unwanted IMs from guys that i've previously blocked... and i already have gotten quite a few.

it's time to re-block 'em...

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on friday night i met up with my party girl and the yummy mommy. we wound up at the bar that dj guy now works in. i realise that much as i'm really glad to see him again, sometimes i come off as standoffish 'coz nerves just take over. actually that can be said for any guy i like. anyhow dj guy and i did have some time for a quick chat that i initiated. i was wearing a dress (and i rarely ever do) and he told me that i looked good in a dress. that was when i realised that dj guy makes me feel beautiful.

later as he walked past me, he playfully grabbed the back of my neck. i know he's engaged and all but i suppose in some weird way i was glad that at least that lil playful bit of "affection" maybe meant that he too was reminded of the feelings we once had for each other.

****

i'm purged outta my feelings for him and all but i must say that i was a lil "affected" at not seeing the ad-man online recently as i normally would. nevermind if he ignores my messages or if we don't talk but normally i'd still see him online.

this made me wonder if he took up my advice on blocking people.

anyhow i saw him wandering around the isles in church today. so i decided to text him...

jo: why r u parading around in church? haha!
the ad-man: haha i waaa looking for my firends, glad you're here

glad you're here?? ha! if he were really glad, he wouldn't have been exhibiting such a lack of character now would he?

but the bad thing is that i suppose a small part of me is still attracted to him. yeah i knew this would come and haunt me again.

though i try and tell myself that his relationship with his most recent ex-girlfriend didn't even last as long as my pseudo relationship with drummer boy. but of 'coz this pseudo relationship with drummer boy is currently on the rocks...

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and yes, things with drummer boy are still in limbo. we still text each other quite a bit daily. but oh well i don't know.

i go back and forth with wanting to try and "date" other guys in order to help me be less emotionally attached to drummer boy but at the same time a weird part of me just can't seem to do that. it's almost as though i actually want to try and maybe make this work... even though i don't really know why and if it will actually even work at all...