it's not that i care, i'm just curious

the online social utility site is an amazing stalker device. and i'm not even gonna deny it, sometimes i do stalk.

recently i realised that i have a "favorite" person to stalk. i don't stalk that person often but on the off chance that i do see any status update, i do take a peek into the person's profile and see what other updates i've missed.

and i'm not exactly proud to say this but that person is the ad-man.

now that's someone who i haven't talked bout in bout a year. and that's simply 'coz i don't care. okay maybe i might since i'm still checking out his profile every now and then. but i've justified this as 'coz being as eloquent as he is, his status updates and comments are generally well thought out and interesting (at least as much as it can get in a couple of sentences). and being as attractive as he is, his pictures are visually appealing. and okay okay i'm also curious bout his love life.

sue me. i think mostly i'm just still slightly disgruntled bout how things ended between us (that is assuming that we even started). as in they didn't really end. we went from chatting online for hours every day for months and meeting up with each other semi frequently to him suddenly not even appearing online at all (i highly suspect that he blocked me). that's enough cause for a girl to go a lil bat shit crazy wondering what happened. as far as i could tell, nothing happened. we didn't have a falling out. he wasn't offended by something i said. i didn't stalk him. i believe he just met someone else and got attached soon after.

which is fine. i mean come on, i'm a big girl. you don't even have to have any kind of talk with me where you let me down gently bout how you don't think this will ever work out and all that jazz. all it would have taken was a simple mention bout a new love interest or girlfriend and i would have gotten the hint real quick. i would have wished him all the best, set my own feelings aside and continue being friends. but no, he did not even have the decency to do that.

knowing his track record of past girlfriends and how half of them only lasted a month makes me extra curious bout how long the next girlfriend will last. the one he coupled up with right after he poofed on me lasted a month. and then he was single for a while (i don't know how long, i don't stalk that much). and then some time back (i don't know when, 'coz like i said, i don't stalk that much) he got coupled up with another girl who from my stalker skills i have inferred that he probably have known since his teenage years. she seems normal and they seem like they are still going strong so at least that breaks his one month record.

actually i don't really care too much. he lost so much points with me for showing poor character that in my eyes, there's no way he could ever redeem himself anymore. but i suppose i'm just curious. 'coz this is the one guy whose disappearing act made such an impact on me given the depth of our previous interactions and my subsequently growing feelings. this was someone i initially thought had great potential.

so yes, i guess maybe i just still like to know what he's up to. even if i don't ever want to talk to him or see him again. and maybe i even secretly wish that he would fail in love as some kind of payback for the way he treated me. perhaps that's why i check back in every now and then to see if his "in a relationship" status has since changed...

"beauty kings"

i'm not particularly keeping in contact with the rich kid anymore but since we're friends on the online social utility site and it is such a great stalking device, i inevitably learnt that he recently took part in this "men we love" contest held by a local magazine. there were even pictures of him sans shirt being posted online. excellent. i didn't even have to go down and see him playing tennis to see him shirtless.

so of 'coz i heckled him a lil on IM and he sent me a link to an article...

and get this. the rich kid with the "shy smile" won!

all this kinda made me wonder what was up with such contests and men i know?

afterall the ad-man was featured in a local female fashion magazine as one of the 50 most gorgeous people. though i'm not sure if he won any prizes.

it's almost like these guys are just trying to make me feel damn unpretty haha!

a day with the past

especially in the last month, i've been nothing like my supposedly usual borderline alcoholic self. nothing wrong with that. i suppose recently i've entered into a phase. a phase of settling down. a phase of which i fully blame drummer boy for making me want that and then suddenly taking it away.

but come wednesdays and i tend to feel a lil in need of some mid-week drinking. especially when it's ladies night in many bars and there are free drinks galore for all the ladies in the house.

it was just one of those wednesdays. i knew that i had been exceptionally boring for the last few weeks and really needed to get my fun on... even if my fun was really just chilling out in the bar and taking it really easy. somehow i managed to convince my party girl to head down to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar for a few drinks.

as i made my way there from my workplace, who should i run into in the train but the ad-man. we did manage to have some kind of a relatively nice chat where he told me that he might be heading back to canada for good in a few month's time. he also said that it was his birthday the following day and that he was meeting up with some friends to celebrate.

i knew it was his birthday the next day. and just over 2 months ago i would have definitely wished him. but given everything that has happened, including my high suspicions that he has blocked me from seeing him on IM and that he's online dating up a storm, i had no intentions of wishing him. but of 'coz that was before i found myself face to face with him. so i wished him before we parted ways.

it was nice to chill out in cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. nothing exciting at all. but kinda nice all the same. i saw the younger brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar... the one i kissed on my birthday. actually i had to be reminded by my party girl who he was. so apparently i don't quite remember what he looks like... but even when i'm sober, i still find him kinda cute. we chatted for a short while. obviously he remembers me more than i remember him but nothing happened there.

at least that was better than the other guy i totally forgot. he actually came up to me and asked if i remembered him. i didn't. but subsequently there were lil jolts in my memory. it confirmed it for me when i found out that he's aussie and works in the golf industry.

yeah i kinda remember him... not a whole lot though... just that i remembered he was kinda touchy feely the other time i met him and i didn't really like him too much.

but the guy i do like? yeah well it's tough when for some reason my parentals just like to constantly ask bout drummer boy. even when they know full well that we're in a state of dire disconnect.

i can't even begin to describe the amount of self-control and willpower that i've been exercising. honestly half the time i think i'm fighting a losing battle in trying not to contact him. this is beyond hard. i keep wanting to cave in. but i know the "right" thing to do is to give him time and space or whatever. i guess i just can't get over the fact that he still hasn't mentioned a thing bout my email!

haunted by the past

recently my IM went all wonky and i somehow lost all my blocked contacts list. this basically means that all the people i've blocked before are now able to see me online.

that's not good news 'coz that means that i'll be getting unwanted IMs from guys that i've previously blocked... and i already have gotten quite a few.

it's time to re-block 'em...

****

on friday night i met up with my party girl and the yummy mommy. we wound up at the bar that dj guy now works in. i realise that much as i'm really glad to see him again, sometimes i come off as standoffish 'coz nerves just take over. actually that can be said for any guy i like. anyhow dj guy and i did have some time for a quick chat that i initiated. i was wearing a dress (and i rarely ever do) and he told me that i looked good in a dress. that was when i realised that dj guy makes me feel beautiful.

later as he walked past me, he playfully grabbed the back of my neck. i know he's engaged and all but i suppose in some weird way i was glad that at least that lil playful bit of "affection" maybe meant that he too was reminded of the feelings we once had for each other.

****

i'm purged outta my feelings for him and all but i must say that i was a lil "affected" at not seeing the ad-man online recently as i normally would. nevermind if he ignores my messages or if we don't talk but normally i'd still see him online.

this made me wonder if he took up my advice on blocking people.

anyhow i saw him wandering around the isles in church today. so i decided to text him...

jo: why r u parading around in church? haha!
the ad-man: haha i waaa looking for my firends, glad you're here

glad you're here?? ha! if he were really glad, he wouldn't have been exhibiting such a lack of character now would he?

but the bad thing is that i suppose a small part of me is still attracted to him. yeah i knew this would come and haunt me again.

though i try and tell myself that his relationship with his most recent ex-girlfriend didn't even last as long as my pseudo relationship with drummer boy. but of 'coz this pseudo relationship with drummer boy is currently on the rocks...

****

and yes, things with drummer boy are still in limbo. we still text each other quite a bit daily. but oh well i don't know.

i go back and forth with wanting to try and "date" other guys in order to help me be less emotionally attached to drummer boy but at the same time a weird part of me just can't seem to do that. it's almost as though i actually want to try and maybe make this work... even though i don't really know why and if it will actually even work at all...

thoughts & dreams

last night i dreamt that the ad-man leaned over and kissed me...

and i didn't enjoy it.

so much for not thinking bout him.

but then i woke up thinking bout drummer boy...

i told you so

i rarely feel this but i mentioned that recently i've been feeling like drummer boy and i need to be having some kind of talk soon.

at the advice of my best friend who suggested that i should tell him that he's allowed to ask me any question and i will try and answer it, i decided to bring it up in my IM conversation with him...

jo: i just wanted to let you know that i know that i'm generally quite bad at the whole erm... talking thing haha!
jo: but i've been trying to work on that...
jo: so therefore i've decided that if you want you can ask me whatever questions and i'll try to answer 'em if that makes any sense at all haha!

but problem is, i'm not sure if he caught that. 'coz somehow at the same time we wound up getting preoccupied with a question of his (that he asked before i mentioned anything) asking if i was angry with him.

that said, i'm pleased that i did manage to say a bit of what i felt bout our disconnection...

jo: i was getting a funny feeling from you... like something was wrong
jo: maybe i just felt like it didn't seem as easy as before to talk to you or something
jo: and i like it best when i find that i get to see the you beneath the surface or whatever
drummer boy: ah er... ok
drummer boy: so deep

so his replies weren't all that satisfactory... probably 'coz he was watching online tv. but in a way i'm glad that i kinda said something. maybe it was my imagination but it seemed like our IM conversation did get better after that. but then come sunday he was supposed to let me know how his first martial arts class went but practically a whole day had passed and i hadn't heard from him until i texted him. oh well...

but in our IM conversation last night, he asked me a question that i was expecting that he wanted to ask. so apparently he did hear me afterall when i said that he could ask me whatever question.

i answered his question as honestly as i could though admittedly we were both talking in riddles a lil but i doubt that one didn't fully understand what the other was saying. i think my answer to his question is a "problem" for the both of us. more so for him. i'm not sure if i'm overthinking it or whatever but i still feel that he's distancing himself from me as compared to how he was 2 weeks ago.

and the biggest problem is that somehow i like him enough that all this is bothering me...

****

yesterday i found out from a status change in the online social utility site that the ad-man is now unattached.

i had to laugh at that.

seriously i thought it was ridiculous. even though i had my suspicions that they wouldn't last long. in fact my intuition even told me that they would break up soon after he got back from his month long trip back to canada. and i was right.

i have no idea what happened there. afterall we haven't contacted at all since he turned all unfriendly towards me. but i'm suspecting that perhaps the girl broke up with him after realising that he has waaay too many female friends that he's too close to.

even though i believe that i'm more or less purged outta any feelings i used to have for him, i must admit that for a moment there i thought bout what happened if he started to get back in contact with me... and what happens if say he decided that he was interested in me?

yes, i realise that it's quite silly to think this way... but oh well...

if he wanted to get back in contact with me, i'd certainly keep in contact with him. afterall it's undeniable that he remains one of the very few people that i can just talk to. the tricky part is if he were interested... at this point i'd say that i'm not interested. but i don't know... i mean the ad-man is "right on paper" and in many ways i do think we're suited to each other. but of 'coz there's that whole matter of he suddenly totally ignoring me that showed a lack in character. i think that whoever becomes his girlfriend has to contend with the fact that he has a lot of female friends who he's probably "led on" by virtue of his good looks and eloquence.

but right now i'm not really thinking bout him anyway...

disappointed, maybe deceived & drummers

the ad-man left yesterday night for a month long trip back to canada and i thought i wanted to be nice and say goodbye before he left or something. so when i saw him online on sunday night, i sent him a message. he ignored me AGAIN. what the heck? but he's definitely online 'coz he's having activity on the online social utility site.

and then i "stalked" his page and saw some wall messages from his girlfriend. oh my gosh please... the girl can't even construct a freaking sentence properly... and it's a wall message that we're talking bout, not an essay. and she sounds soo childish with all the "hohoho" and "ckckckck" (which btw what the heck does that mean??) and i don't know what else. the more i see it, the more i'm thinking are you kidding me?? this is who i lose out to?

okay so maybe i'm being bitchy here. maybe she's a really nice person. but actually i'm not pissed at her. i'm not even pissed that he decided that she was better than me. i'm pissed that he doesn't even seem to want to keep a friendship with me. i mean what's up with that? i thought we were actually pretty good friends. we talked so much. and then suddenly he's ignoring me and all that? i have half the mind to send him an email telling him off (nicely... 'coz i'm nice), but at the same time i wonder if i should even bother and even think to let him know that i'm affected by this whole ignoring me business.

but of 'coz i'm affected... i mean if we had a random tipsy makeout session and he decided that he wanted to ignore me, i am totally equipped to handle that. but to talk to me so much for a few months and then turn around to suddenly ignore me? that i have no idea how to handle. but i guess i just have to learn to handle this. the price you pay for opening up your heart to someone and entrusting 'em with your emotions. the costly price of having the door slammed in the face of your heart.

i'm disappointed 'coz i thought he was better than this. i thought i could open up my heart to him and entrust him with my emotions... and i did. but now i realised that he might be just as big a jerk as some other guys i've met.

i think in some warped way, maybe i'm glad that it all happened this way. so that i could see him for who he really is. so that i can once and for all know what's happening. so that i can truly move on.

****

but of 'coz i couldn't truly move on until i gave him one last final chance. i meant it. one last final chance. i texted him yesterday night before he left...

jo: hey just wanted to say have a safe flight n a good trip back to e home side...

i nearly expected him to ignore that as well. i mean it wouldn't be a surprise to me and possibly make things easier for me to just write him off. but he (shockingly) replied...

the ad-man: hey jo long time no chat... thanks for the send off wishes... i hope you revelation comes to be or becomes clearer when i see you next. take care jo

i thought if he were to reply, it would be a cursory one so i was surprised at the friendly nature of the text. the whole revelation thing was taken from my status on the online social utility site. i didn't even know he saw that. "long time no chat"? duh and whose fault is that? and "when i see you next"?? what is that even supposed to mean?

but of 'coz i replied anyway... and i couldn't resist taking a lil dig at him...

jo: yeah its been ages since we last chatted. ure a difficult person to find online... i wld have thought u were ignoring me haha! u take care too!

i wondered how he would respond to that...

the ad-man: haha yeah saw your IM msg a couple of times... sorry was no there to reply... and i didn't follow up. oppss my bad haha kay going off take care

well okay. i guess i accept his apology or whatever. i think it might be a bit bullshit but i accept that. and we'll see if we can actually maintain a friendship...

****

yesterday night i was online chatting with drummer boy when he suddenly asked me out for an impromptu meet up. he volunteered to drive over to my place to pick me up even though i live practically on the other end of town from him.

i decided to just roll with it, afterall it's not always easy to meet up with a guy who doesn't seem to like to plan too far ahead. and i admit i was curious.

so he picked me up and we headed to a bar/cafe nearby where we had a beer and fries and just chatted. it was fun. it's definitely easy to talk to him. i don't think i can confide in him or whatever but he's nice to just talk "nonsense" with.

he proved to be slightly surprising when i found out that this hardcore rock drummer boy is also kinda shy and not into one night stands and girlie bars. i found myself thinking that that was cute.

after he sent me back, we were texting each other for over an hour.

distract, delude & date

so i thought that maybe it'd be easier if i had been "serial dating" before i found out that the ad-man is now attached. but on hindsight maybe feeling the pain and then "serial dating" immediately after isn't too bad an idea either.

i feel considerably less in pain now. and i'm not sure if it's 'coz i'm distracting myself by "serial dating". or maybe it's 'coz i've moved on to more than just being sad at being rejected by someone i really liked, but being sad that i've lost someone that i could talk and open up to. i mean i'm a big girl, if he's not interested, that's fine, i can handle it. but losing a friend is proving to be harder than i thought.

that said, i'm surprised that i'm purged outta this faster than i expected. oh i'm sure the feelings will come back to haunt me from time to time, just like it always has with guys who made it to my heart. and everytime i try and make a new connection with a new guy, it will be a reminder to me as to how there was just an instant rapport with the ad-man. and everytime i have a superficial conversation with a new guy, i will miss the kind of conversations that i used to have with the ad-man. and everytime i wonder if i will ever find someone who understands me and accepts me for all the not-quite-open-book that i am, i will think of what the ad-man told me... that people would know me not 'coz of what i tell 'em but 'coz they understand me.

but even as i would be reminded of all the great things bout the ad-man, i will also remember the way he chose to approach this situation. i will remember that his new girlfriend isn't all that hot afterall and that i don't believe i'm any less awesome than she might be. and i will remember what the guy based in missouri said...

guy based in missouri: as for *insert name of the ad-man*, if a guy doesn't have the guts to tell you that he isn't interested anymore, it shows a lack of character
guy based in missouri: which i think you are going to be quite happy without

****

in my first foray back into "serial dating", i started with someone who normally wouldn't be my type...

on his online dating site profile he had stated "single", but in his email to me he 'fessed up that he was divorced. i admit that i had to stop and think for a bit. on one hand i was initially interested enough to have winked at him and he in return sent me an email telling me the truth. was i going to veto him immediately 'coz of his failed marriage? i decided to just give it a try and after a few emails we decided to meet for lunch on friday.

lunch was short but the divorcee proved to be cute (though on the short side), eloquent and seemingly nice enough. it's hard to tell in an hour. we didn't immediately have a whole lotta things to say but found some common ground when we realised that we went to the same school (he is 2 years my senior) and hence knew a few mutual friends. most shocking of all is that i realised that i knew his ex-wife. in fact at one point she and i actually did get along quite well. she was a year older and as a teenager, i looked up to her 'coz she was beautiful, smart and could get any guy she wanted.

i wanted to ask what happened and so at the first opening i got, i tentatively approached the subject. he didn't seem too open yet so i didn't push it. all he said was that they drifted apart. i have a feeling that he's still in the process of getting over the 4 year marriage. afterall he actually called her his "wife" when (hopefully) by now she's supposed to be his ex-wife.

i'm not holding my breath for this one. maybe he himself might not be ready. and maybe despite all my evolving, i may not be ready for a divorcee either. but that said, if he asks, i will definitely meet up with him again.

****

this guy emailed me some time ago and i didn't respond for a month. i admit that i had been contemplating. i wasn't really attracted to him, that was probably what held me back that long. and yet i couldn't deny that i had to give him props for originality in his email. he seemed fun and i was in the confused state with the ad-man so in the end i decided to reply to his email. he graciously accepted my apology for not responding earlier and we exchanged a few emails and brief IM conversations before he asked me out for dinner on saturday.

the indian lawyer was more attractive than i expected and we did have a pretty good time talking and laughing. we even wound up clubbing which i suppose is quite strange for a first date. it certainly felt strange that he should see me in my "party persona" so soon. anyhow it was all pretty fun though i think i might be getting the just friends vibe. afterall he didn't think to send me home in a taxi when it was 4am nevermind me not living on the same side of town as he does. anyhow if he asks me out again, i'd definitely go out with him.

****

while i was out with the indian lawyer, i received a text from a guy at bout 3am. he's a guy that i got to know from the online dating site who i've been IMing pretty regularly. i don't really know that much bout him (other than besides a day job, he's also a drummer in a band), our IM conversations have always been a lil flirty. but recently we've been texting each other. and so at 4am in the morning we were texting each other. it's not a booty call, it was 'coz he was aware of my nocturnal behavior. he called me at 5am and we chatted for an hour. the conversation was better than i expected.

drummer boy and i have been talking bout meeting up but so far nothing has been definite. he doesn't seem like he can plan too much and i'm not sure bout him. but so far, i'm okay with the way things are. with us IMing or texting throughout the day.

****

and in line with trying to keep myself busy with new boys, i have another date lined up on tuesday and this new guy who i find interesting emailed me. sometimes i think it's tiring... trying to make new connections with new guys. and it's especially tiring when there i thought that i had made a great connection with the ad-man and allowed myself to be deluded for an instance that maybe that was all the connection i really needed to make. i guess i don't have a choice but to keep trying to "serial date" or whatever and hope that eventually something works out somehow.

what i hide...

i still can't quite believe all that has happened. i seem to spend every waking and sub-conscious moment thinking bout it. almost willing it not to be true. but it is true. and the fact remains that the ad-man did not tell me bout it himself. i feel almost disappointed at the way he's choosing to approach this... which is by ignoring my IM messages. and to think that we used to chat for hours online talking bout everything and nothing at all. how did that happen? besides losing someone i really liked, i also feel like i lost a friend that i could open up to.

so i told the guy based in missouri bout what happened...

guy based in missouri: how can anyone not pick you!
jo: sigh i don't know
guy based in missouri: hey you're better than he is
jo: how so?
guy based in missouri: because it shows he needs someone more than you need someone!
guy based in missouri: he's more desperate than you
jo: he's always needed someone more than i need someone
jo: or maybe i hide it better

and that's when it hit me...

i think like everything else i've hidden, i've usually managed to hide the fact that i do need someone. i just choose to pretend that i don't and that i'm okay. 'coz it seems easier to wear that mask then to show my real face.

it's not that i simply can't survive without someone. afterall i always have survived. but while the single life is nice in some ways and i have still been able to keep myself relatively busy with friends, family and plenty of alone time, it would be nice to have someone. i'm tired of wondering if there's something wrong with me. i'm tired of wanting to love and be loved back. i'm tired of merely surviving. and most of all i've scared that what happens if i'm destined to walk this earth alone?

so i'm not any less in need of someone than most anyone else. and i'm not any less desperate than most anyone else. i just hide it better.

and now i know what pain feels like...

maybe i have some sort of ESP... 'coz recently i had been thinking to myself that maybe the ad-man has gotten attached. just one of my weird random thoughts. i mean if you prepare for the worst, then at least you're prepared right?

yeah well no one could prepare me for the pain.

today i found out from a status change in the online social utitlity site that the ad-man was attached. i couldn't see her profile but from her profile pic, she's hot.

and then i felt the stab in my heart.

okay this hurts. it seriously freaking physically hurts. i find the one guy who i really really liked and thought that we would be good together and he winds up getting attached?

of 'coz the ad-man was multi-dating. i didn't expect him not to. i was the only idiot who felt guilty when i was making out with shrek boy 'coz i really liked someone else. and the worst part is that i don't even get to date other guys before i found out that the ad-man is attached? this is stupid timing. i mean couldn't it even wait 2 days?? i lined up 2 dates this weekend in my own attempt to "serial date". but now the rejection is a bigger slap to my face 'coz like an idiot i didn't "serial date" while i was "dating" the ad-man.

so i put my emotions totally out there only to get all this pain in return. i'm finding it increasingly difficult to find it all worth it.

[edit]

so i listened to the rascal flatts song bless the broken road and finally cried. i wonder if i'll ever be able to sing that song and truly mean it.

shattered

i'd be lying if i said the past almost 2 months have been easy. they haven't. my on/off connection/disconnection with the ad-man have left me in a fairly emotional mess. and the disconnection seemed to have gotten worst recently. so as i start to face the very real possibility that i have to let go, get over him and move on, i must admit that it's killing me to have to try and do this.

that's when it kinda hit me...

i've always felt that i was damaged, my heart shattered. and yet i never quite understood why. or maybe deep down i did, but i was just afraid to bring up all that pain and emotion. among all the guys i "dated", i can't say that anyone of 'em particularly hurt me. not even prick04, who i deem as the biggest prick i've ever known and believe that everything bad that i've gone through is directly related to him. and yet i can't say that my heart was shattered by him.

no, i realise now that it's hope that shattered my heart. through the years there've been times where i was truly interested in someone and some of those times, the guy actually made it to my heart. my hopes were raised. but each time when things didn't work out, a part of my heart was broken. it gets increasingly harder each time. and that's why i try not to get emotionally attached. 'coz i'm worried that my heart can't take another broken hope.

there is so much love inside of me that i'm longing to give. but i can't seem to find someone who will be gentle with this love and love me back. and i worry that 'coz i have so much love that i want to give, that i don't dare to love 'coz i'm scared to let someone inside 'coz i know my heart can't take any further shattering.

i've been trying to mend the broken pieces of my heart. but just like a vase that has been shattered, you can glue back the broken pieces to form some semblance of a vase... but it will never really be that original vase again...

another wave of online dating

an update on the non discerning approach to online dating "experiment" aka wink like i've never winked before...

of all my winks, i've heard some form of replies from 3 of 'em. add that to the one guy who emailed me a month ago and who i finally replied to, that's 4 guys that i'm sorta contacting. well okay the truth is i've only actually been chatting "regularly" with one guy. i've exchanged some emails with the others but i realised that i'm not very good at talking bout myself via emails. i'm probably failing to impress. i promise that i'm far more engaging on IM or in person.

anyhow it's sad that out of all of 'em, i still fail to find that natural effortless rapport that i had with the ad-man since the very first time we chatted on IM. i'm already getting bored with this online thing. but i keep pressing on. every online dating "manual" will tell you that you need to start up another wave of winks soon after the prior wave. and so that was what i did.

i started up another bout of winking. but this time winking at far less guys. i'm seriously running out of potential here. even when i'm being non discerning.

once again i saw that the ad-man had logged on recently. i'm thinking to myself "dude what is wrong with you? can't you see that i'm awesome and you should stop looking??" yeah well but he's not. and to make matters worse we've been increasingly more disconnected despite short bursts of connection when we talk... but the problem is we haven't been IMing. i try and be proactive and initiate a conversation but he doesn't always respond. and frankly i'm getting tired of being the one to make the "first move".

this sucks. i mean seriously, this sucks. go figure i had to find that one guy who i actually thought had the best potential ever and nothing is happening. i can't help wondering why the heck is it always so hard for me? i see things work out so easily for my friends and can't help wondering don't i deserve that? but sometimes i just feel like it's a conspiracy theory to just make things difficult for me.

wishful dreaming

once again i did not do a single social thing over the weekend. what i did instead was dream...

i dreamt that the ad-man in essence told me to give him some time. where basically i inferred that he was interested in me but he also wasn't prepared to be interested in someone and he just needed to settle some stuff first.

i think boredom and a general lack of excitement has caused my mind to drift in my sleep...

what does all this mean?

recently i had some pretty good IM conversation going on with the ad-man. though it did leave me a lil confused and pondering...

the ad-man: so glad to see you... ish
jo: haha! ish?
the ad-man: not really seeing you...
jo: now i really feel special... ish
jo: haha!
the ad-man: aww kinda

and then in a later conversation, he invited me to join his church group meeting. so last night i joined 'em. they were pretty nice and friendly people and i like to think that i got along relatively well with 'em. my mom asked if the ad-man ignored me in any way like the rich kid did. honestly i had forgotten all bout that time... 'coz that's how important the rich kid is to me now. but having mom remind me made me glad that i could say that the ad-man most certainly did not ignore me. in fact i think it was a good balance of him talking to me and us talking to other people.

our talking together was of 'coz limited as compared to when we're out together alone but there were times when i felt a lil nervous. i'm not sure if it's perhaps 'coz we didn't meet up with each other in bout a month. and that we didn't chat as much on IM as we used to either. or maybe it was 'coz it seemed like he was standing surprisingly close.

when we were on the escalator, i realised that he stood on the same step and as we talked on the escalator, it seemed like suddenly his face was pretty close to mine, his eyes looking a lil too deep into mine. i struggle to remember if there have been other such times but i can't remember. now i'm not complaining. of 'coz i'm not! but i admit that it makes me nervous precisely 'coz i like him and i can't tell what does all this mean.

today i chanced upon an article on the "6 suave dating behaviors to show you're interested". it was written by a guy, perhaps for guys (unless women are supposed to be suave) but i think it's generic enough to apply to women as well. the 6 ways stated were:

1. lean towards your date
2. smile or laugh a bit when your date says something funny
3. when your date says something intriguing, comment on it
4. challenge your date a little bit
5. keep your body language open at all times
6. bring your date "into your space"

now no offense to the person who wrote this, but i think it's kinda silly. silly as in it's pretty obvious that you should be doing all that right? heck shouldn't you be doing all that when you're talking with anyone? which brings me to my point that i don't think you can count on those 6 things to know that someone is interested in you. sure you can count on those 6 things to know that the person doesn't absolutely loathe your company and is waiting for the first chance to run in the opposite direction. but those 6 things just don't show if the person is interested interested or just interested in friendship.

i wish there was a surefire way of knowing when the guy is interested. well of 'coz there's always the obvious way of him just telling me. but better yet, i wish there was a surefire way of knowing when the guy is interested in only me.

don't exactly have a choice

it's been over a week and i've only chatted on IM with the ad-man once. granted that's weird for me, i'm "used" to chatting with him more. and yes, i do feel disconnected from him. and admitedly i am emotionally attached. but yet strangely, i'm dealing with all this remarkably well if i may say so myself. must be all these years of practice. don't underestimate years of disappointment.

and it's not like my life has gotten any more exciting. i still continue to spend way too much of my way too much free-time watching tv online. and it's not always neccessarily outta choice. no, i don't exactly have a choice.

in our last IM conversation, the ad-man mentioned that he's been so busy with social stuff that he's feeling a lil overwhelmed. well hey, that's not a problem that most people have. in fact right bout now, that's not even looking like a problem to me. the only problem is that i so obviously have such a low priority in his social life.

my mom asked if i was going to call him. er... no. my dad suggested that i send him a card that said "thinking of you". hell no! it's scary when the parentals get this way. then again i suppose i should see it from their point of view... they are slowly watching all hopes of their daughter being coupled with the ad-man slipping away. and what bigger dread than the thought of me being left on the shelf.

but i'm just trying to give him space. especially in light with him feeling overwhelmed from social stuff (*rolls eyes*). i'm not going to "chase" him like my mom suggested, which in itself is hilarious 'coz my mom has long believed that girls shouldn't be too forward. look how desperation to marry me off has turned the tables. but i guess i just don't see the point in "chasing" him. i've done all i could without coming off as pushy or stalkerish. and i'm back to the same conclusion i've had years before... if the guy really likes you, shouldn't he try and make an effort??

so i think i don't exactly have a choice but to just give up.

the night this girl found her mojo and then realised she might lose it again

i've admittedly been boring for at least 1.5 months. sure, i've partied a few times but i never really had the crazy fun that i've been accustomed to. and that is unacceptable. what is acceptable, however, was me finding my mojo on friday night.

the yummy mommy and i headed to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. i haven't been there much lately and it was strange to realise that the regulars there now are a totally different set of regulars that i knew from the time when i was a regular there.

i got to know a few girls who were quite a fun frisky lot. the yummy mommy herself was feeling frisky. we practically had to hose her down haha! this guy and his girlfriend who i got to know previously were there as well. he's an older guy... his sons are bout my age. in fact one of 'em is the new dj in cozy hole-in-the-wall bar and he's a total cutie. the older guy's girlfriend is probably in her 30s and right off when i first met her there was just this draw bout her. it wasn't a surprise to learn that the older guy and his girlfriend has an open relationship and that she's bisexual.

somehow when there's enough mccallan on the rocks, my mojo comes running back to me. this time the older guy's girlfriend, the yummy mommy and i were having a lil "threesome girl time" fun. so i went from not kissing a guy in 1.5 months to kissing 2 girls. that's not too bad haha! but i still miss some makeout session with a guy.

later the yummy mommy and i left to head to 2 other clubs. i had some vague memory of flirting with a guy at the bar and dancing with another guy on the dance floor. sometimes i think maybe it's good that i have this selective memory...

****

so i was supposed to meet up with the ad-man on saturday to party. he predictably flaked on me when he texted me on saturday 3pm...

the ad-man: hey jo, can we postpone out drunken binge to another night! think i should get well a little more before anything else. sorry at that. but you have fun yeah!

somehow i suspected that he would bail. and strangely enough i have this feeling that he probably made plans with some other friends, nevermind that we supposedly planned this drunken binge 2 weeks ago. i mean if he didn't have any plans, he could have just suggested we go for dinner and hang out or something without the whole drunken binge thing. well i guess i should know where i stand with him... which is obviously nowhere.

well i didn't really mind staying home especially with friday night's escapades but a call from my party girl changed all that when she suggested us 3 girls head out together with a good guy friend of my party girl (who we all know) who happened to be in town.

it's amazing how my party girl, the yummy mommy and i haven't partied together in ages. back in the day we used to do our weekly friday night partying. but since my party girl got busier in her unpredictable job and the yummy mommy has been having her kids over more often, the 3 of us haven't really partied together like we used to. and with the yummy mommy soon to be having her kids over every weekend and my party girl soon to be planning to move to canada, it looks like things aren't ever really going to be the same again.

it was a quiet night out on the town. for the most part we were actually more concerned with trying to find food for our suddenly very hungry selves. we didn't really party hard but it was still pretty fun despite me being totally tired out from a too-exciting friday night.

i know i'm gonna miss these girls and the times we've shared... it makes me sad to think that it might be the start of a totally different and separate life for us. and yet, through it all, i feel like i'm still stuck in the same place...

i don't know how much more of this i can take...

late sunday night (or rather early monday morning) the ad-man and i made plans to watch a movie on monday night. we had been talking bout that for the past week but had yet to set a day. i told him to let me know the time and place to meet. but come monday evening 6pm, i had yet to hear from him.

this is the thing i never quite understand bout guys. how they have the ability to somehow totally forget that they were supposed to let you know the time and place to meet. it's almost as though they can't be bothered to remember their plans with you in the first place.

so i was doing some "game playing" by seeing how long i could refuse to contact him. obviously i'm a loser in this "game" so i gave in and contacted him as i expected i would. he remembered the meeting up but forgot that he was supposed to let me know the time and place to meet. well given the fact that he was feeling a lil sick and had been pretty much sleeping the day away (a fact that i only knew later when i met up with him), i decided not to get mildly annoyed.

the movie and dinner though rushed was pretty good. seriously, i wished he would just hurry up and realise that he likes me.

****

in other news, it's amazing what you can learn through the online social utility site. and the last thing i expected to learn was that dj guy is engaged... to his ex girlfriend no less!

of 'coz i'm assuming she must be his current girlfriend... or fiancee or whatever now. and apparently he did get past the whole she cheating on him twice thing. (yes, i admit that i'm a lil sore that i don't get offered the same level of forgiveness for doing something far less hurtful.)

but it's a lil strange i must say... 'coz i'm reading the messages she left on his site and the most recent one had her actually questioning his engagement...

dj guy's ex girlfriend: wat?!? ur engaged????......

you would think that if she was the one being engaged to him, she'll know right?

and since i was there, i saw another message she left a month ago...

dj guy's ex girlfriend: i shall always Luv u... u shall always be a part of me and my life... keep in touch my darlin luv... am missin u deeply... am luving u til i take my last breath

okay that was a lil too much mush for me.

so how do i feel bout all of this? honestly i would be lying if i said that this didn't affect me at all. 'coz as strong as my feelings are for the ad-man and as much as he helped me "get over" dj guy, the feelings i do have for dj guy never really did truly go away. i suppose just like any feelings you have for any guy that made it to your heart, they never really truly go away even if you've found someone new who is so much better for you.

in some weird way, it's almost as though it has come full circle for the complication that is dj guy and me. afterall how we started in the first place was when one day he suddenly asked me if he had ever told me that he was engaged 'coz if so, that wasn't him.

and now, he's really engaged... or maybe he's not... i don't know, it's too complicated... just like it's always been with me and him. but yes, i don't deny that as crazy as it is, he's still in my heart...

[edit]

and 'coz i exhibit stalker tendencies like that, i just checked out dj guy's page on the online social utility site and i found out that the message from his ex girlfriend questioning his engagement (to her no less!) has been deleted making it seem more like they are really engaged. except that i did see that deleted message... which makes it seem more than ever like he's trying to get rid of someone's unwanted affection?

that's the draw of dj guy that i never quite figured. somehow this bad boy type (maybe that in itself explains it?) just gets all the girls falling in love with him... and i hate to say that even i wasn't an exception...

insecurity

so you know what's the problem when you meet someone from an online dating site and then wind up really liking said person? do you know what's the real problem? it's when you realise that they've just logged into the online dating site just an hour ago.

okay so it's a lil like the pot calling the kettle black. who am i to hold the ad-man to a standard that i don't necessarily hold myself to? afterall wasn't i too logged into the online dating site? i was just checking out a new wink from someone whose profile didn't seem too bad but who didn't post a picture and i'm just wondering if i should take the risk to wink back.

i'm generally confident in myself and what i have to offer to a partner (which not to toot my own horn but i think is quite a fair bit) but every now and then we're allowed to be a lil insecure right? and i'm not going as far as to say that i'm really insecure, but when it comes to the ad-man, i'm admittedly a lil insecure at times.

not that i think he's a total player. in fact i do believe that he's one of those true blue types. but i think the "insecurity" is just one of those side effects of really liking a person who you don't know if he likes you back. it's the side effect of knowing that there are probably better girls out there in the online dating site than there are men and hence he's likely to be more successful than i would be. the side effect of acknowledging that honestly he's one of the hottest guys around. and i'm not just saying it, i mean he's hot enough to have been approached on a street a few years ago to be featured in a local female fashion magazine as one of the 50 most gorgeous people. while i'm not unattractive by most standards, i know my place and it's not exactly in the lineup of 50 most gorgeous people.

****

yesterday night's IM conversation with the ad-man left me a lil sad and a lil hopeful.

i admit that i was a lil sad when he said...

the ad-man: but then my good pal jo comes online

i mean... ouch! good pal? that kinda stings...

but then i was almost a lil hopeful when he said...

the ad-man: man we should go drinking together

i mean drinking together usually speeds things up... or sometimes seals the deal in pure platonic friendship. or maybe i'm already just his good pal... i don't know... i guess we'll see...

of becoming boring...

lately my thoughts and emotions have just been bouncing all over the place.

i admit it, i'm concerned. i'm concerned that i'm becoming boring. lately i haven't really been going out much. i'm not really feeling the friendship love... or even the romantic love (of which let's not even get into just yet). i seem to be spending waay too much time at home online or watching tv. i haven't had an alcoholic beverage in at least 2 weeks which is normally unheard of. and to top it off, i think i've lost my mojo.

so things with the ad-man hasn't been all that promising lately. sure we've been leaving messages for each other via the online social utility site. but strangely we never really IMed properly since he got back over the weekend.

i hate that part of my emotional wackiness has to do with him. i mean that just proves what i've long known... that i'm already emotionally attached. for the first time ever, i'm attracted to someone in every way and honestly i think i might have finally found what i'm looking for... except that i don't know if he feels the same way.

so what bout "the solution" right? well i'm really trying. but i'm beginning to think that attempting to "serial date" is proving to be increasingly more challenging.

i reckon that i'm just bout ready to give up attempting online dating. each time i log in just to check what's out there, i'm faced with tons of all the same profiles of which i'm not even remotely interested in. and even my "trusty" bar/club random guy happenings isn't happening if i've lost my mojo. it's like i'm fighting a losing battle here. i either have to suddenly figure out a way to be attracted to guys i'm normally not attracted to or else i have to face the fact that there is just a very very small pool of guys for me out there that i would even be vaguely bothered with.

maybe all i need is just a drink... or maybe 5 drinks... and then in an inebriated haze make out with some guy and then delude myself for a while that the ad-man doesn't mean as much to me as he really does... but really where's the long-term game plan in that?

a date or not a date?

on friday i passed up another chance to go drinking with the yummy mommy to have dinner and catch a movie with pool boy. it's just that i was going to have a really early start on saturday for a one-day road trip with some friends... and i haven't really been feeling like drinking much lately. shocker i know!

so pool boy... that's not a name you hear mentioned all that often. well bout a month ago i ran into him in a sports shop and we grabbed a quick cuppa and had a quick chat. since then it's almost as though we were suddenly reminded of each other's existence once again. so in a failed movie attempt the week before, we decided to catch a different movie this time instead.

honestly i didn't think it was a date. i mean it's pool boy... i kinda think of him as a friend... who i probably started off kinda "dating" in the beginning... all of one date. the very few other times that followed, it was kinda a group thing. meeting up with him wasn't all that bad. i admit that i had some concerns bout what we were going to talk bout. but somehow we managed to keep some kinda conversation going. and it helps when you're being entertained in a movie for almost 2 hours.

but strangely at the end of the night, i found myself wondering if maybe it was kinda sorta a date? i mean he paid for me entirely and sent me home in a taxi (though i could justify that by pointing out that he lives pretty near to me). maybe it seemed like a date but my intention wasn't really a date intention. i guess i'm left wondering if it was a date or not a date.

****

the one-day road trip on saturday was quite a bit of fun. through the course of the day's conversation, i learnt something from my journalist friend who quoted to me what her gay friend said to her... "lazy girls don't get married".

it was hilarious... and just bout enough to propel me and my journalist friend to almost want to do something. afterall we both share some similar characteristics such as even though we're both rather outgoing and friendly, when it comes to guys, we are totally shy and can come off as too calm (this is something the guy based in missouri said bout me and i guess i can consider him the authority on what i'm like in a dating situation since we dated and we're now good friends) or like we don't bother... even when we like the guy.

so we decided perhaps we should take a page outta our cute sweetie-pie friend's book... she recently sent the guy she liked (and has been kinda dating for the last 2 months) a card. the cover had a cartoon picture of a movie theatre and 2 characters sitting side by side with the girl's head on the guy's shoulder and the words "muack! muack" above. the title read "let's go on a date". the inside of the card left space for you to fill in the date, venue and time as well as an rsvp. the card was too cute. and my journalist friend and i were joking bout buying that card in bulk to send out to various guys. but honestly i think if it were to come down to it, we might just chicken out. i mean giving a guy a card like that just bout shouts "i like you". i might as well wear a big sign across my forehead with the words "i like you!".

but that said, i can't help but remember the now-famous words of one gay guy... "lazy girls don't get married"... and maybe it's those words that will replay in my mind and nudge me every time i decide to play it too cool to bother...

and that was probably why i texted the ad-man this morning just to ask him how was his recent 4-day holiday trip and essentially to welcome him home...