Wednesday, June 17, 2009

you know that you really have to move on when you find out that he already has...

we all have that someone in our lives... that someone who we consider our woulda coulda shoulda. that someone who may or may not have been our first loves and may or may not have ever been with but nonetheless the one person we think bout every now and then.

i've known my someone for over 12 years. and for practically the entire time, i've irrationally liked him. when we first met, i thought that maybe he could have been slightly interested. but nothing happened. i made excuses but it wasn't till a long time after that that i finally admitted to myself that it's blatantly obvious that he's never really liked me. afterall he never quite made an effort to keep in touch and any time we actually did see each other, was mainly orchestrated by me. but for some reason it was practically impossible to move on entirely. somehow i always just "loved" him, was "in love" with him and saw all the ways why we would be good together.

of 'coz i dated here and there in these 12 years. and at times i even let in some guys into my heart. i "loved" some of them, was "in love" with some of them but never quite saw the ways that i would be good together with some of them and was never quite "in love" with 'em for as long. someone still dominated the larger part of my heart. and knowing that he was still single the entire time somehow gave me some false hope and happiness.

then enter the alpha boy and our relationship. and while i "love" him and am committed to him and in making it work... honestly? i always knew that a part of me was still hung up on someone.

i always dreaded this day... the day when i find out that someone is no longer available for my forever fantasy. a lil status update on his online social utility site page burst that bubble. i can't lie and say that i'm not affected. maybe it's hypocritical of me to have wanted him to be single even while i wasn't. but i'm affected all the same. it almost feels like a part of my heart is breaking.

i wonder if i will ever really truly truly get over him. or is it just one of those things that i will have to live with for the rest of my life. never quite relinquishing that special place he has in my heart. i have this strange feeling that a part of me will always be "in love" with him...



At 8:12 AM, Blogger audrey22 said...

jo i understand where you are coming from. i too have that shoulda woulda coulda, even though i know nothing could ever happen between us he always crosses my mind from time to time and i feel safe imagining that he will forever be eternally single (of course thats not true). it sucks that you had to see that status tho, but on the bright side your with someone that you "love" and there is a reason the other guy is a shoulda woulda coulda

At 8:34 AM, Anonymous silencio said...

I don't have a shoulda woulda coulda but I do know what you mean. He was a part of your life and you'll always remember him and it's ok that he crosses your mind every now and then. There's always that someone we wish something could have happened with, though in my case it's more like there's potentially a bunch of really great guys out there but they all have girlfriends, so no one in particular for me. But like audrey said, you're in a wonderful relationship now with someone who loves you and actually wants to be with you :).


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