first time

recently i've been obsessed with lifehouse's new song first time. i've been playing it on repeat.

"looking at you i'm holding my breath, for once in my life i'm scared to death, i'm taking a chance letting you inside"

even as i bop happily while listening to the song... i realise that in some ways it's more than just a a song... i think a part of me is taking a chance. a part of my heart is opening up and it's really scary.

and scarier still, i realise that it's my family friend's setup that i'm thinking of... and possibly letting inside.

"like being in love with you for the first time"

i'm not in love. not even close to it. but it feels like for the first time in a while i met someone who i felt had a potential. the first time in a long while that i'm opening my heart.

and it's scaring me.

i don't wanna get hurt. it seems that everytime i open up my heart, i just wind up getting hurt. maybe in some way my heart has since decided to close for a while. and i don't wanna open up my heart too much especially when i have no idea how he feels. he's nice and all but all the same doesn't seem like totally interested and jumping to ask me out. and i just don't wanna get hurt.

i feel a part of me wanting to go back to my usual way of dealing with such uncertainty... that moment when i realise that i'm starting to like someone too much... the worry that usually makes me decide that i need someone new to help me stop liking that person that much...

but that would kinda defeat the whole purpose of an open heart right?

lifehouse sings it correctly... i'm scared to death...