art exhibitions bring out my reflective and pensive side

i may not have seen my family friend's setup for 2.5 years but when we finally met up again, it was like we were never really apart. sure, there seemed to be a fair amount of catchup and conversations beginning with questions such as "so what has happened in the last 2.5 years?" but in the main, we just got along as wonderfully as we always had.

that's the thing that always got to me. how well we get along. in one of our first few solo meetups, we spent a whopping 8 hours together with no clue how time just passed like that. and that's the way with us. we can spend hours with each other and just laugh and have a great time. i think we're fairly similar with the same kooky sense of humor. it just works.

but it didn't work. back then i was always wondering if we were strictly platonic (we certainly acted it, even down to going dutch) or if we were platonic with a possible potential for more. i guess the "answer" that i got in the end was that we were platonic, seeing as how he never really made a move.

and yet, it's true that the chemistry and "compatability" is undeniable. even right now, after years of not meeting up and an additional few years before that since we were "seeing each other", i can still feel it and i don't think i'm lying to myself when i say that i reckon he feels it too. maybe i'm overthinking this but i think that there was always a part of him that was somewhat interested in me. granted, it wasn't enough for him to make a move but i would find it hard to beleive that he wasn't at all interested.

looking back, i kinda think i might even know why he wasn't more interested. simply put, back then i wasn't always quite the girl a good guy might date. and i reckon he's a relatively good guy. 4 years ago i was living the party lifestyle. i knocked back drinks hard and fast. i had my fair share of random makeouts. and even though i was always quite the prude, there was still some questionable behavior. i guess i just wasn't at the right place to get committed, i wasn't the right girl to get committed to. and he was too busy in his life as well.

maybe he's still too busy. he has a girlfriend of on/off 2.5 years who moved to another country to work a year ago. she realised that she didn't like the place and decided to come back in a few months time. she had previously hinted that she wanted to settle down but he wasn't ready. i get the feeling that he still isn't ready. that is somewhat evident when he answers with a "we'll see how it goes when she gets back."

it brought me back to the age old question... how do you know if it's 'coz you're just not ready or if it's not the right person?

this is how the universe must be playing it's little april fool's joke on me

when i was younger i used to have this little april fool's joke that i would play on my best friend. it was the same every year. not so much an actual prank or joke but a pathetic joke between us. every year i would tell her that someone professed his interest in me. we all knew that it couldn't be true. afterall if it didn't happen for 10 years, it's likely to ever happen. and yet, it was our own little joke.

so this morning i was wondering if i should pull the same "joke". maybe i'm too old for this. the joke isn't even valid anymore since both of us have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years... to different people. as i walked into the office thinking maybe i was indeed too old for april fool's jokes anyway, i was at the receiving end of not one but two jokes from the universe.

i checked my online social utility site only to find a personal message from dj guy asking me how i have been. and barely before i got over that shock, i received an IM from my family friend's setup (who i last shared an IM conversation a few months ago but who i last saw 2.5 years ago when we went for an art exhibition together) essentially asking if i wanted to go for that same art exhibition we went to last which comes round every 2 years.

amazing. 2 guys who at one point in my life, i really liked and made it to my heart. but whose heart i ultimately never managed to capture.

yes, the universe has it's own lil way of playing a joke on me.

now i just need the swedish guy to contact me too. third one would definitely be a charm.

this is where we've been and look where we're going

it's amazing how time flies. this blog has been home to my thoughts on dating and relationships for the last 4 over years. and it's grown to become a special and important part of my life which i hide from everyone else in my "real" life.

recently i've been reading through my past entries, looking back on where i've been, how far i've come and it's been an interesting walk down memory lane. some random guys i could hardly remember, others who i wondered what on earth came over me to be so smitten with them, and a few that back then took a shine to me.

but i suppose for the most part, there's no real loss. the guys themselves have moved on. most vanished completely from my life, a select few who i still "keep in touch" with (or at least i still could if either of us wanted to) as technically they are still on my IM or online social utility site friend list, and some others who i make a point to know what's going on in their lives even if they don't always know it (yes, i "stalk" haha!).

it was in mid-walk of this memory lane that i decided to try and hunt down past people that i "dated" randomly, basically the boys that i've mentioned here in the last 4 years. some of them i already pretty much knew where they were at now but others weren't on my friends list (and even after hunting them down, i still wasn't intending to add them) and i thought it would be interesting to try and see if i could even find any information on them.

and here are the results of my find:

dj guy - i may not have seen or talked to him in at least over a year and even back then he was already engaged. but from my own nosy sleuthing i know that he's since broken up with his fiancee and has a new girlfriend.

london guy friend - he's on my friends list which have led me to find out that his (i think) german girlfriend gave birth to their son in february. they got married a month later. seems like the wedding must have been quite a surprise to even his friends.

texas curly - based on our last email "communication" in january, he told me that he got married in april 2008. he's also since started a tailor shop making custom made suits. a lil research (it's not really considered snooping if he gave me his company name to begin with haha!) showed that he came in second place in a new entrepreneur of the year award and made me even more impressed. i also found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic of a fun picture with him and his gorgeous wife. did i mention that she's gorgeous? i thought for a very long time (and trust me, i really did) and in the end decided to add him to my friends list... and hope he never really wonders how on earth i found him online...

marvy's setup - i found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic. he's looking good though (to be fair, he always looked better in pictures than in real life) and also looks like he's happily attached / married. i'm not sure if she's the "love of his life" from china that he met right after he got set up with me.

(now ex) key account executive - i keep in touch with him on IM every now and then when he signs in. bout a couple of years ago he had a kid but is still continuing to battle marital woes.

the aussie podiatrist - i couldn't find him on the online social utility site and for some reason, i was determined enough to dig up something that i googled him. i didn't realise that he's been responsible for giving the expert's opinion on certain podiatry related press releases. i found out that his (now not so) new workplace is actually rather close to mine. there was also a picture of him. he's not looking as good as before... i think he's balding.

family friend's setup - i'm still in contact with the friend who set us up and very occasionally i drop an IM to say hey to my family friend's setup (in fact just after writing bout him, i dropped him another IM). but from our friend, i found out that he has a slightly on/off girlfriend. our friend doesn't even know what's going on. sometimes it's good, then it's off, then it's on again. apparently she's a great girl though.

the french banterer - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have 2 mutual friends (though i only really consider one of those girls my friends. i'm pretty sure he knows her through work.) i browsed through a few of his photos. somehow he looks different or maybe i just can't recognise him anymore. i'm unsure bout his relationship status though.

poet guy - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have a mutual friend... incidentally it was my uni classmate that i "dated" who since got married to our uni classmate. i couldn't see much other than his profile pic but he looks like he's happily attached / married.

chatty triathlete - i found him on the online social utility site, and as expected, we have a mutual friend in the form of my friend's (who was formerly based in dubai who subsequently became my colleague) husband. and as i heard, i saw evidence in photos that he got married in dec 2009, a year after he got together with her. he doesn't look too bad but i'm still definitely way cuter than her.

the serious one - not that he's important but i've been running into him recently near wherer i work in town. in any case, he's on my friend's list and it was there that i learnt that he's engaged. i think she works near my workplace.

drummer boy - the only one who i'm actually quite in touch with over IM. and well i already mentioned that he's thinking of getting married in 3-5 years time.

the swedish guy - the last time i saw him was in december 2009. that said, i do think bout him every now and then. he's on my friends list and ever so often i'd see a status update stating that he was off to another one of his short holidays. i still think that's the main reason why we didn't get more serious. he claimed that he was ready for a girlfriend, but his lifestyle showed otherwise.

i guess the main theme is that almost everyone that i "dated" in the last 4 years is now coupled up be it married, engaged or just attached. it's good to know that i didn't remain completely single either.

this has definitely been one very interesting nostalgic walk.

without you

i think i'm in one of my don't-feel-like-trying moods. i mean i go back and forth on that so many times like a see-saw. but somehow it also teeters on the side of not wanting to try.

sure i've been partying. but while i might have previously attempted to flirt and not beyond a random makeout, now i just seem to stay clear away of any eye contact or guys in general.

sure i've been chatting on IM with a few guys from the online dating site. and some of 'em do seem reasonably nice enough. and some of 'em has asked to meet up. and i have sorta agreed except that no firm date was set.

and yet nope i don't really feel like trying.

perhaps i'm still not truly over drummer boy. i wished i could sing the lyrics of hinder's without you and truly mean 'em.

it's safe to say that i'm ready to let you leave

without you, i live it up a little more everyday
without you, i'm seeing myself so differently
i didn't wanna believe it then
but it all worked out in the end
when i watched you walk away
well i never thought i'd say
i'm fine
without you

heck what am i saying? i know that i'm not truly over drummer boy. and recently the memories have started flooding me again. and the what ifs. and along with 'em some tears fell.

it is arguable that i might not know what love is, but i'm pretty sure that this comes up to one of the closest i've ever felt (or thought i felt) to being in love.

it didn't help when somehow in an IM conversation with my family friend's setup, the drummer boy situation was outlined briefly.

i haven't been chatting with my family friend's setup. not since early last year. and since i found out that he has a girlfriend, i've pretty much decided to avoid contact a lil. so sue me, it still stings a lil 'coz i did have pretty strong feelings for my family friend's setup.

anyhow he initiated an IM conversation recently. and somehow it got to asking bout my love life (or lack thereof as it obviously is) and somehow it led to drummer boy. talking bout it doesn't help it hurt any less.

well turnabout is fairplay and i found out that he's been seeing someone for the last few months. the funny thing is that i have this feeling that she was introduced to him by my family friend... the very guy who introduced my family friend's setup to me.

i think i'm pained till i'm almost numb.

but yet even though i'm still thinking of drummer boy and missing him and not being truly over him is playing a part, there's still something more...

i think i might be interested in the swedish guy. shocker i know. when did "just nice" turn into attraction? and even more shocking of all, when did i morph into a "monogamistic dater"?

this is me we're talking bout. i'm supposed to be more of a "serial dater" type. of 'coz when you've been single for all your lifetime, and happen to meet up with a few guys at the same time (like say 4 "dates" in a week?), then yeah, you're supposedly "serial dating". but apparently somewhere along the way i must have changed without even realising it. i don't even know if that's a good thing. i mean should i be "closing off" options? and yet why bother if i just don't feel it right?

but who knows what the swedish guy is feeling. for me or otherwise.

he admitted that while he's not ready for marriage or whatever as yet, he does think he's ready for a serious relationship (despite all that travelling that he does). and i guess yeah, i think i'm ready for a serious relationship too. only with who, i don't know...

i just want this pain to stop.

what can i do?

i was having a brief IM chat with my family friend when he invited me over to his place on sunday for one of his usual group gatherings. incidentally it was in one of those group gatherings where i first got to know my family friend's setup. since i'm more of a backup then the lead, i haven't hung out with this group in at least over a year.

i guess any anticipation on meeting my family friend's setup again was quickly squashed upon hearing this...

family friend: but *insert my family friend's setup's name* and *insert a girl's name* will be there fyi
family friend: i don't think its an issue, but just to let you know

i saw that IM too late and by that time my family friend had already logged off. and i thought it would seem too eager if i texted him asking who was that girl? 'coz i don't know who she is. and i'm dying to know who she is. 'coz the way my family friend put it, it seemed like she was my family friend's setup's girlfriend or something.

i'm not sure how to feel. but i would also be lying if i said that i didn't feel a thing.

my family friend's setup was the first guy in a long while who made me think that there was real potential. in fact he's probably the second guy to ever really make it to my heart. and in some ways he's left his mark there. so yes, i feel strange at the possibility of him having a girlfriend.

but of 'coz i gotta get real right? i mean it's obvious that he was never really into me. we were probably always just friends... and not even really good ones at that. but i guess it still sucks.

recently ecrivain's post where she said "had this sense of being left behind, you know? like, everyone else is pairing off and there i am, left off of noah's ark, waiting for the flood to wipe me out completely." has left me thinking and realising that that is exactly how i feel.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this way and everyone would probably tell me that i'm awesome and it just takes some time but i'll be able find someone... but honestly geez why does it have to take that long?? and frankly sometimes i'm almost convinced that there must be something wrong with me.

it seems like i just don't seem to be able to find any guy who really does like me. most just fizzle away quickly. and the ones i do like never seem to like me back or at least not even close to being in the same measure of my liking 'em. and it's not like guys are knocking down the doors to ask me out. i just seem to lead a really solitary life.

and sometimes it's just really frustrating.

i wanna try again but i fear that maybe a part of me still isn't ready to try again yet. at least judging from the way my recent foray back into online dating is going. i'm bored with the choices out there in the virtual world and frankly i don't even get many hits anyway.

but i also miss the feeling of possibility... the way my heart feels when it... feels... even if i'm scared that it will just all come crashing down. i also miss making out... but yet while it can be fun sometimes, i'm a lil tired of the random tipsy makeout.

should i fake it till i make it? or should i just give up at least for now ('coz fully giving up makes me think that i would really wind up walking the earth alone and that scares me) till i feel i'm more ready or whatever?

i don't even know what to do anymore.

****

the "booty caller" has struck again. he asked me over IM if i wanted to meet up tonight. the plan was to head to the beach (seriously i have no idea what's his fixation with the beach) and the implied plan was to make out.

the thing is that both of us had our own dinner plans. so the plan obviously didn't include dinner. and since he doesn't drink, i don't suppose it includes drinks either. so i can't help but feel a lil "used" when it seems like he doesn't intend to buy me dinner or drinks or even attempt to get to know me and yet i'm supposed to make out with him. i mean maybe that might actually fly if i were already tipsy or he's an absolute hottie, but i'm not and he's not.

however i am missing making out and after 3 months of no action whatsoever, i'm starting to think that i'm waay outta practice... and yet tempting as it may be to break this drought, i'm not sure if the "booty caller" is the right person for the job.

and neither is the guy who was looking for "chats of a naughty nature". he just told me over IM that he was offering his services to me should i feel any urges.

er... thanks?

****

it's been bout 4 months since we met randomly and the med student and i have still been continuing to IM ever so often. we've never met again (though yesterday we were both in the same relatively large bookstore at the same time) but strangely i can't help but still feel a certain connection with him.

maybe it's 'coz we have a fair amount of similarities... and there's definitely still a certain attraction (at least on my part). if he wasn't attached, i would be even more tempted to give it a try with him... not that he's really asking of 'coz...

but i have to say that as i think of guys that i'm attracted to, i'm reminded of what i do want in a guy. and while for the most part i do think that my standards are achievable, i sometimes wonder if there is anyone out there for me...

friendly weekends

so one of the main ways i've been trying to get back on track is to spend more time with friends, especially girl friends. and last weekend was fabulous at that.

since i decided that one of the key ways to stay drama free and on track would be to limit my drinking, i've been actively deciding not to drink too much... besides i haven't even been feeling like drinking much at all lately.

on friday i made plans to meet up with one of my close friends in uni for dinner and one drink. lately it seems like we've been reconnecting. and since she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years bout 3 months ago, she's probably having more free time on her hand and we've talked bout the possibilities of making a short group trip or going speed dating together.

on saturday i met up for brunch with my new party BFF, her good friend who i've met quite a few times before (who i shall now christen as ms cool cat) and another one of their girl friends who i've met once before in the club and hit it off. it was a really great time. i'm loving the fact that my new party BFF and ms cool cat aren't just all bout the partying together but also seem to like to have these lil girl time meeting ups over meals. it makes me wish that my party girl and the yummy mommy were more like that 'coz it seems like we hardly meet up unless there's drinking involved.

sunday i went for this art exhibition with my family friend's setup. in fact i was the one who asked him if he would like to go 'coz i was looking for someone to go with me and remembered that he's kinda artsy.

so yeah we haven't heard bout him for a while. in fact i haven't seen him in at least over 6 months. but things were just as comfy as they were before. we never had a problem talking or getting along.

i'm not sure if there's anything there. thanks to a heavy downpour, we both wound up sharing an umbrella where i wound up holding his arm yet again. that was nice. but i'm still kinda inclined to think there isn't anything there. it was actually kinda funny 'coz the person we were talking to at the art exhibition counter (probably thinking we were a couple) suggested that we check out another one of the exhibition sites where it was romantic. and i could feel like maybe we were both a lil embarrassed and kinda sniggering to ourselves. so yeah i think i'll go out on a limb and say that we're kinda platonic.

but it was a great weekend. a weekend filled with friends. i'm hoping to have more weekends like this.

****

just as i'm trying to stop trying to "date" and yet acknowledging that i would definitely miss the making out, i had to go and have a dream bout just that.

i think i dreamt that cutie aussie colleague said that he liked me or something like that and we wound up at his place making out.

gosh i'm so attracted to him. hearing his voice every day is audio pleasure. i'm such a sucker for aussie accents and coupled with his chirpy baritone voice is enough to get me. and then that messy hair and tall somewhat athletic (though he really isn't athletic) stature...

okay i think this missing making out thing is going to be harder than expected...

****

come monday morning, i barely signed into IM when i received a message from drummer boy. he talked bout how he was very near my place (like very near... literally in my estate area) on sunday to help his friend help his fiancee (that would be his friend's fiancee and not drummer boy's fiancee haha!) move outta her place.

i found it a lil strange that he would suddenly chat with me bout that. but it was nice 'coz for a while it was back to the usual drummer boy conversation that i like... where he was more open and communicative and giving me an insight to what he was up to and his thoughts.

so yeah it's tougher than i imagined trying to gett him outta my heart and mind...

closing the chapter of guys

i admit it... i did spend some time thinking bout what to wear this morning. afterall i was supposedly supposed to meet up with my family friend's setup. even if it was just a meet up and not a date.

but even up till 5.15pm, i didn't hear a thing from him. i told myself to hold back and refrain from contacting him. afterall wasn't this planned 2 weeks ago? and i thought it was confirmed a week ago when he texted me that he couldn't make it and suggested next week.

in the end 'coz i just had to know my plans, i relented...

jo: so hey are we still supposed to be on for today?
family friend's setup: oh you didn't remind me! you were supposed to.. i'm not feelin too well.. can feel the flu bug gettin to me. think i'll have an early night.. sorry!

it's not bout him bailing out 'coz he was feeling under the weather. but it was obvious that he didn't remember our meeting up at all. and if he didn't remember, i'm chalking it up to the fact that i'm obviously not important enough.

jo: i thought last week was the reminder haha! oh well you get well soon!

anyhow it's back to my decision that if he wants to find me, he'll know how to find me. i'm done with this. trying and hoping is useless.

but i was still very much in the mood to head out. i contacted a few friends but no one was available or simply uncontactable. i did mention before bout what "wonderful" friends i have right?

however i've learnt that if i'm in the mood, i'll go out alone even if i have to. and so i made my way to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. it was very quiet as it usually is. for the most part it was just me and the bartender. incidentally she's sorta known to be bisexual (though mostly straight). in fact we've shared an inebriated kiss before. i've known her for a while but never really got a chance to chat so it was nice to finally get that chance. (hmm maybe it's a sign that i really should go for girls instead?)

but i guess i was feeling like looking for some trouble and strangely decided to text not-so-shy texan.

jo: hey howz it going?
not-so-shy texan: hey! i been thinking about you lately :) i am free thur night around 8 and suppose to fly off fri. start new job late next week. you free?
jo: tomorrow ain't good for me... i'm chilling at *insert name of cozy hole-in-the-wall bar* now tho haha!
not-so-shy texan: darn :) ok i can be talked into big drink night tonight at *insert name of club where we first met and where he hangs out on wednesday nights* then if you keen. else then next week when i back
jo: haha! i can't do big drink... only lil drink haha! where you at now tho?
not-so-shy texan: always like that. ok i text you again next week then. have fun.
jo: i can't big drink 'coz tomorrow i still gotta work... bleah haha! but if you want we still can have some drinks...
not-so-shy texan: no busy now at home until later then if i go out i just go *insert name of club where we first met and where he hangs out on wednesday nights* i not sure yet.
jo: alritey... well you have a good trip and a good new start to your job

personally i think he's just being difficult. in fact i can't imagine why i even bother (okay i can... it was boredom kicking in full swing) 'coz he's always been difficult. so well that's another chapter of guys in my life that i'm closing... and in his case, for like the 5th time.

in the end i didn't stay long at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. just long enough to nurse a whisky dry and then i went on my way home.

oh yes what fun times.

so why bother?

my good friend predictably flaked on me again last night. really, why should i even be surprised? i mean we were supposed to catch up proper after her wedding (and honeymoon) but she's flaked on me so many times before that i think i must be the fool to even think that she wouldn't flake. anyhow once again i'm done there. i tried to be a friend but since she's not much of one, she's gonna have to decide when to meet me next (and possibly flake on me again).

anyhow that kinda left my wednesday night free. and my family friend's setup did initially ask to meet up so i decided to drop him a text to ask if he was still free. to cut a longer story short, turns out he wasn't. so we decided to meet next wednesday instead as planned.

and then i decided to meet up with my not-so-platonic ex-friend instead. okay so that part is a bit complicated. 'coz technically my not-so-platonic ex-friend did text me to ask what i was up to before i asked my family friend's setup if he was free to meet up. but i mean that conversation i had with my family friend's setup where he asked if i could meet was before my not-so-platonic ex-friend even suggested anything. i like to say that i have a "first come first serve" basis, though in this case even though it was that, it was probably 'coz i would have much rather gone out with my family friend's setup.

but even though i wasn't really feeling it, boredom drove me to meet up with my not-so-platonic ex-friend. we met up for beers and dinner with his colleagues. at some points the conversation got boring when they were talking shop. and then my family friend's setup turned up. kinda made me wonder if that was why he told me he wasn't free in the first place.

my not-so-platonic ex-friend's colleagues left and the three of us wound up at another bar for chivas. a female friend of my not-so-platonic ex-friend joined us there. a young, cute female friend. 'coz that's really anyone that he hangs out with. he did put some moves on me by constantly telling me privately that the way i smell drives him wild. yeah well he's still wrong and i think i'm not going down that path again... even if i haven't made out with a guy in too long.

so we just played card games and drank. i was definitely keeping the alcohol in check since i haven't exactly been feeling in the pink of health lately and wasn't really in the mood to get crazy drunk. for the most part i think i was just bored.

boredom drove me to head out... but boredom also drove me to head home.

at 12.15am i decided to call it a night. normally my family friend's setup sends me (and my not-so-platonic ex-friend) home since we live on the same side of town. but he was waiting for my not-so-platonic ex-friend to call the shots and he (my not-so-platonic ex-friend) didn't wanna head home yet. so i decided to find my own way back home alone.

the journey back allowed me some time to think. i laughed at myself for ever once thinking that my not-so-platonic ex-friend meant anything to me. or me to him for that matter. he's very wrong. that's always been a given. but even if the situation weren't wrong, he's still a very wrong guy in general.

as for my family friend's setup, there are still times when i remember why i ever thought that he had real potential. so maybe i don't see that much especially when he's with my not-so-platonic ex-friend who by the way is a terrible influence. but that said, i know that i just have to be unbothered with him. if he wants to, he knows how to find me. but it doesn't seem like he really wants to.

at 1.30am i received a text...

family friend's setup: hey i apologize if i said anything offensive tonight... a bit on the high side

only that he didn't say anything offensive (then again i'm not easily offended). he wasn't on the high side when i left him but he certainly was by the time he sent this text haha! gotta love the tipsy text.

i replied 'coz i'm nice like that and 'coz well... a part of me still does like him (dammit!!)

jo: offensive? nah not at all... i was just really tired and needed to call it a night. anyhow hope you guys had fun...

but honestly all this is just reminding me how i really just shouldn't bother. it makes me wanna date like a man. multidate. makeout without regrets. only that i don't have any candidates...

it just might be that he missed me...

... even if it's just a lil...

but i'll take that. i'll take whatever i can.

it was a pleasant surprise to see my family friend's setup come online. and even more pleasant when he IMed me. we began a friendly banter where i kinda took a dig at him not being around...

family friend's setup: harlow
jo: hey stranger
family friend's setup: whoa just 'coz haven't seen u for some time i'm now a stranger
jo: hahaha! out of sight out of mind?
family friend's setup: thanks for reaffirming that i'm so forgettable

then we did the quick catch up on what we've been up to and how we spend our time during the week.

family friend's setup: try and fit in other friends
family friend's setup: sounds like i don't even fall into that category

hmm i took it as a hint that he was "missing" me.

jo: you do!
jo: but you're so busy
family friend's setup: that's your assumption
jo: last time you said that you'd let me know
family friend's setup: it's funny how we just assume that
jo: so i'm letting you let me know

that was my way of saying dude you gotta step it up.

so in the end we decided the only mutual free day of the week we had was wednesday. next wednesday i'm supposed to meet my good friend (who is unfortunately very flaky) so i scheduled my family friend's setup to the following wednesday.

unfortuately he's bad at anything planned 2 weeks beforehand so i guess i'm not holding my breath either. but it was decided that i would remind him nearer the day. well we'll see what happens.

but something has to be said bout actually being excited at having an IM conversation with him as opposed to one with the guy based in missouri who i was chatting with at the same time.

i don't know... i just feel like it would have been good if i felt chemistry with the guy based in missouri 'coz he's just "right on paper" (minus the whole pesky long distance thing) and i know he would treat me well. but dammit if as yet i can't seem to be attracted to someone like that.

snowball

no longer being able to IM at work (or even go online in general) has made me rather cut-out from the world at large. admittedly one of the things i missed was the occassional chit-chat i would have with my family friend's setup.

not that we talk a whole lot... but it seems like that's just bout the only times we ever do communicate. 'coz it's not like we're phone buddies (text or calls). and it's not like he comes online at night either.

so admittedly i did wonder if he wondered where i was in the last 2 weeks... but i was determined not to do a thing bout it. i have a phone. he knows how to find me if he wants to. and afterall he was one of the guys i wanted to forget this year.

recently i saw him online at night. i held on to not doing a thing bout it... and then he IMed me. we wound up having a pretty good chat. the kind that makes me laugh and remember all the reasons why i liked him in the first place... 'coz we just get along easily.

turns out he was away snowboarding in japan for the last 3 weeks. so much for my hope that maybe he missed me on IM.

a lookback on the past

i was all raring to go on my new new year's 'resolution'. but friday kinda messed me up.

firstly it started with getting an IM from my family friend's setup. don't get me wrong, it was really nice to know that i hadn't been totally forgotten. while he never mentioned bout my birthday wish text, he did ask me how my exams went. we had a brief IM conversation which i was struggling the entire time not to feel too much.

and then at night i was out with the yummy mommy in our usual friday night fun to celebrate the end of my exams. my party girl couldn't join us which then 'forced' us to make more one-on-one conversation than perhaps we normally would have had the chance to.

that was when she suddenly told me that during one of those moments when i was making out with dj guy, she told my party girl that i was going to get my heart broken. i really wanted to ask her what made her say that but i didn't dare to. i wasn't sure if i was ready to hear it. what would she say? that he was a bad boy?(not that i ever thought otherwise) that he was playing plenty of other girls at the same time as he was making out with me?

so i shelfed my burning question and we carried on partying. we were actually having a pretty good time bar/club hopping. then she decided to make a detour for cigarettes before heading to the club that dj guy now works in. and who should we see at the convenience store but dj guy. he was on the phone (though strangely not talking) and he stuck around for a while so we all gave him hugs. it might be my imagination but i thought there was a nice lil linger of his hand on my waist. i've missed that. anyhow i was very pleased with myself for playing it so cool. we went to the club that he now works in though we didn't stay long. but before i left, i thought that dj guy was nearby but i didn't even give him a second glance.

by that time the yummy mommy and i both had quite a nice buzz. so i decided to just ask her bout why she said that dj guy would break my heart. she said that he wasn't ready for a relationship but that he really really liked me.

okay so not exactly the answer i was looking for. that totally messed me up again.

i had hoped that maybe she would have talked bout another girl. so maybe i could feel a bit better at my own 'betrayal' or maybe angry that he had a double standard. just something that will result in me getting an eventual closure. but no... she told me that he really really liked me. i'm not sure if he actually told her that 'coz they are pretty close. or was it just something she inferred. but either way, that realisation didn't help me at all. i mean that's the big reason? the reason why he would have broken my heart? did she realise (even before i did) that i was starting to have really strong feelings for him and was afraid that i would be heartbroken to find out that he wasn't ready for a relationship? then again i don't think i would have necessarily minded since i myself wasn't entirely sure if i was ready for a relationship with him then.

i have no reason to believe that she would lie to me... or to mince any words... that's just not who she is. and more than anything else, i know she wouldn't have wanted me broken hearted and continue pining. so i have to presume that she was telling the entire truth.

but that still messed me up. even though i carried on partying in another club and even made conversation with some guys who came up to talk to me. i was having a good time. and on the surface i seemed perfectly fine.

but later i found myself crying alone in bed. it just freaking hurts. to still feel so strongly for him and to know that he indeed did really really like me. and then have it not work out 'coz if he did really really like me, i must have caused him so much hurt and pain that warranted that heartbroken look on his face which i can't ever forget.

and yet i know he made a choice. and the choice wasn't me. he chose not to truly forgive me and try and make it work.

how do you move on after all this?

some sort of a new year's resolution

so as i finished the last of my exams yesterday (yes, those evil powers-that-be scheduled my exams to ensure that i had neither a christmas nor a new year celebration), i poked my head outta my "hibernation" and had that first taste of true freedom...

what better way than to send fun emails to my best friend... gotta love that...

jo: so guess what day is today?
jo's best friend: hmm let me see... *insert someone's name* birthday... why are you still remembering?
jo: apparently YOU'RE remembering too haha! i can't help it... i think it's one of those dates that is just gonna be stuck in my head forever. shall i tell you when *insert the variation of dj guy's name that we've given him* birthday is? let's just say 2 days after yours haha!

but you would be glad to know that thus far i have not wished someone. it's crazy how i do this every year. remembering and resisting the urge to do the friendly thing and wish him. some years i succeed in ignoring it completely (if you don't count the fact that i totally remember it). other years i cave in and wish him.

oh and my family friend's setup has returned from being missing in action and has been sighted on IM. i'm pretty sure he must have been away on holiday the past over week... not that he cared to tell me. nor did he respond to my text wishing him happy birthday. and even though he's back from wherever, he hasn't IMed me so i'm gonna be resisting to contact him first.

well this year is the year of me not being a doormat. the year of me (in the words of incubus) not letting "fear take the wheel and steer" but breaking away from the conditioning and realising that "i should be the one behind the wheel" and hopefully "find that when i drive myself my life is found".

so i'm trying not to bother with boys that don't bother with me. and i've decided to try and pretty much do whatever i want, whenever i want, however i want. so i'll be good if i want to... and i'll dirty up that clean slate if i want to. i want to play by my rules and only answer to me.

i claim that i don't really do new year's resolutions... but has that turned into some sort of a new year's resolution??

au revoir 2007, bienvenue 2008

it's amazing how time flies... and yet another year is coming to an end... and it's always around this time that i get nostalgic...

2007 has been purely crazy. a lot of things happened and didn't happen but it was almost always eventful in some way or another.

on the guy front... this year has seen a lot more introductions of new guys than any other year. as well as more alcohol, more hormones, more questionable behavior, more mistakes, more emotional attachment, more open honesty and more heartbreak. it was also a year that saw more exits of guys. as well as less discernment, less holding back and less bothering bout questionable behaviors.

so i told myself that i had till the end of the year to get rid of the baggage and residual emotions for past guys.

afterall why bother with a guy who says that you guys should go out but doesn't follow up on it. someone who doesn't tell you how he feels bout you after you've pretty much expressly told him how you feel bout him. and then when a drunken mistake happens after his best friend hits on you, acts as though you've utterly wronged him beyond redemption even though there was no commitment in the first place. and yet despite the fact that he's so wrong on paper, manages to make you somehow 'fall' for him which ultimately leaves you heartbroken.

and why bother with a guy who confuses you so much on whether you guys are on a 'date' or not 'coz you guys go dutch. someone whose company you obviously enjoy and who seems to enjoy your company as well but you can't even tell if it's totally platonic or platonic bordering on the maybe future not so platonic. and yet somehow he worms his way into your heart. makes you open that heart in a long while. only to leave you wondering where he's suddenly disappeared to 'coz he hasn't replied to your text wishing him happy birthday.

and definitely don't bother with a guy who you've liked for almost 11 years ago. the guy who you would have been willing to give up all that sometimes meaningless partying and making out with random guys. so what if he means that much to you? he's never even been interested.

so yes, the only 3 guys to have ever really made it to my heart. each and every one of 'em has to be yanked out.

tabula rasa. it's time for a new slate...

and as we say hello to 2008, i wonder what next year will be like. will i resolve to be good this time (goodness knows i wasn't exactly all that good in 2007) or will i continue on with even more antics 'coz 2007 was certainly a record high.

as every new year dawns, i can't help but remember what my good friend joked with me 2 years ago...

a new beginning with a new clean slate. ready to dirty it up?

hmm... i don't know... i just might be...

weekend happenings

it was supposed to be a quiet night in cozy hole-in-the-wall bar on friday... that was what the yummy mommy told me... i guess i really needed that after recent bouts of crazy.

i suppose it was kind of a quiet night... as quiet as it can get when the very cute part-time bartender was pouring us vodka limes with the glass 3/4 filled with vodka. and when another regular kept topping up our drinks with more vodka.

that said, it still wasn't crazy. sure, the yummy mommy and i got to play dj and play our favorite dancing songs to dance to. and we had some fun times with the very cute part-time bartender. in fact there were a number of times where he and i were play fighting and he just carried me up. he's very cute... and too young (22 years old) and sadly attached. but it was all in the name of fun and i still went home with my memory intact.

too much of my memory intact i think...

somewhere along the way, the bar manager told me that another guy was not *insert dj guy's name* enough for me. that just unleashed a floodgate of memories of dj guy. as it is, it's really hard not to think of him when i'm in cozy hole-in-the-wall bar (and i love the atmosphere in this bar too much to stop going). to make matters worse, the bar manager decided to remind me once again bout the time when dj guy and i made out for 35 mins in full view of everyone in the bar.

it's just tough. somehow strangely, on my part, too much real feelings were involved for dj guy. way too much than i even dared to admit. so i decided that before the year is over, i'm gonna just try and contact him again. it's probably stupid and pathetic and chances are high that it's not even gonna work. but he means too much to me for me not to give it another try to see if he will give me another try... at least till the end of the year is what i tell myself...

with that, when i saw him online on saturday afternoon, i decided to IM him. he didn't reply for a few hours. which is normal 'coz sometimes when he's online, he's not really online. but eventually he did. and i found out that he just started a new job 2 weeks ago in a club that i used to frequent a lot. well i suppose at least now i know where to find him. even though i'm trying to tell myself not to subconsciously want to go there to see him. that said, i do like that club. at first the conversation was me asking the questions and then i fell quiet for a while, running outta questions. then he surprised me by asking me how was my sport coming along. that's always been one of our topics to talk bout. all in all the conversation was brief. but i'm glad we had it anyway.

and i still miss him...

****

saturday night i met up with my family friend's setup, his friend (who i've met for dinner before) and his friend's wife for a movie and dinner. it was funny 'coz when his friend introduced me to his wife, he jokingly introduced me as my family friend's setup's wife. and we even got a couple seat in the movies, courteosy of his friend. it was actually kinda funny. almost like as though we were 2 couples going out.

not that i minded too much...

my family friend's setup was rather sweet at some points. but i still don't get any vibe if he's interested. so i'm just trying not to think too much and just go with the flow. whatever it may be. afterall i really do enjoy his company.

****

my best friend has been wanting to set me up with her boyfriend's 21 year old friend. she says that i would like him. nevermind that we are totally long distance.

so this weekend she surprised me by sending me a text message with his picture. dang he's cute! she asked me to send her a text message with my picture. i wasn't exactly looking my best but just for the fun of it, i decided to just take a picture with my camera phone and text it over to her. apparently i got a couple of nods of approvals haha! i wonder how many people she showed my picture to.

well even if nothing comes outta this (and i mean we are long distance and he is 21 years old...), it was still fun for that moment...

blanks in the memory bank

since my family friend introduced me to my family friend's setup, he's never really asked me what i thought bout him. okay well maybe that's not entirely true... he might have asked what i thought of my family friend's setup soon after my family friend introduced us. but it was too soon to really tell.

somehow yesterday during an IM conversation with my family friend, my family friend's setup was mentioned. that's when he asked...

family friend: what do you think of him anyways?
family friend: what's your impression after all this time?
jo: i think he's really easy to get along with and talk to
jo: nice guy
jo: he's a bit laidback though... and i can't even say if that's good or bad haha!
family friend: much better to be laidback than high strung
jo: well i like 'em laidback haha!
family friend: so you're comfortable with him on the whole?
jo: yeah i'm comfy with him
family friend: ok cool

now i have no idea why he suddenly asked. i mean it's probably nothing too big a deal right? but for some strange reason, i felt into a bit of self disclosure...

jo: honestly didn't expect to be that comfy with him as soon as i was. but he's just easy to get along with i suppose
family friend: yeah
family friend: he wormed his way right into my heart too
family friend: from about the first time i met him
jo: hahaha!
family friend: and you know how i am

so maybe it wasn't only me feeling 'chemistry'. maybe it's just part of my family friend's setup's natural charm. he can even 'charm' the boys. and granted my family friend isn't exactly the most tolerant person around.

jo: yeah well you know how i am
jo: i don't let people in that easily either
family friend: yeah
jo: i mean i'm pretty friendly in general and probably can talk to most people
jo: but for the most part i don't let anyone too close to my heart
jo: but when you get there, you're pretty hard to get out of my heart

and indeed that's true. this brought me back to the time where i first suddenly realised that i was starting to let my family friend's setup inside my heart. and how despite everything, it has been hard getting him out of my heart 'coz he already got in.

we may not have that raw physical chemistry that dj guy and i had. but there is still a certain amount of chemistry and attractiveness that i can live with. except that it still doesn't seem to be working out and he's only got until the end of the year before my new resolution means that he's gotta be yanked outta my heart...

****

and i'm certainly living up to what i said bout dredging up all the past boys...

last night i had a mid-week drinking session with 2 of my close ex-colleagues. it was a long time coming. we've been talking bout it for forever. even got down to planning a few times. but somehow or another, kept on cancelling. this time we actually managed to go.

we headed to our 'fave' place for mid-week drinking which incidentally is the place where i met the youngest one.

drinks with the girls was good. but then one by one their husbands came to pick 'em up. i then decided to check if the youngest one was gonna be in the club. he was. and so i hung out with him and his friends.

that's when it all gets fuzzy. i have some snippets of memory here and there but for the most part, seriously... i don't remember.

okay yes, i drank quite a bit. but it wasn't that much as to have bouts of memory blanks. i've drank as much before or even more and i still can remember. but this time i'm just blank.

since i woke up i've been trying to remember if anything happened between the youngest one and me. i'm quite sure we didn't kiss. i would like to think that i would remember if we did. but that said i believe we were a lil huggy. yes, when i drink i get a lil aggressive too.

so i texted the youngest one asking him to refresh my memory... hopefully i get some answers. but really all i wanna know is did we kiss??

[edit]

okay so i finally got my answer...

at first all the youngest one would say was that nothing much happened. but i decided that i had to know if we kissed so i just straight up asked him.

and yes. apparently i kissed him. and apparently it was more than just a peck. a bit more than a peck was how he put it. i wonder what that means.

but i can't believe that i don't remember. 'coz normally i definitely remember if i kissed someone. and it's a pity that i don't remember 'coz from what i remembered previously, the youngest one is a damn hot kisser. the only other person i've ever felt hotter kissing chemistry with is dj guy.

now i wonder how many times did i kiss him. and if i just bout totally jumped him in my tipsy state. oh man...

as i told him, if i don't remember, it doesn't count. i need a do-over!

till the end of the year

neither my party girl nor the yummy mommy was looking to head out on friday night, so it seemed like an opportune time when my family friend asked me to join him and a few other friends (some of whom i know including my family friend's setup) to party.

i was much earlier than the rest so while waiting, i spent some time staring at a fountain nearby. now, i love water bodies. i've always said that when i'm in the water, i'm in my element. which might be a lil ironic (or perhaps just makes a whole lotta sense) since i'm supposed to be a fire sign. not that i really believe in any of that. but i digress... anyway so i'm staring intently at the fountain, losing myself in the flowing water and drowning out the busy sounds around me to just only hear the sound of the rushing water. it's amazing. i felt so calm.

and then i started thinking...

it occured to me with a bit of a shock that since i first liked someone in the beginning of 1997, i've never really been fancy free. that's close to 11 years of for the most part at least having some sort of a crush. i wonder if i've forgotten how to be truly fancy free.

i thought bout how i really need to start over, wash the slate clean just as water washes things clean. and it seemed fitting that it's nearing the end of the year. what better way than to start the new year afresh. to rid myself of the guys baggage, to be fancy free.

but of 'coz a lil cheeky thought crept into my mind... that means from now till the end of the year i get to dredge up as much past guys as i want haha!

and i think i almost did...

it was my first time partying with the guys and for the most part it was kinda fun. there were quite a few young girls there as well and they just seemed so... young. i say it like i'm really old but somehow sometimes 22 year old girls just come across as so immature. so i just pretty much left my not-so-platonic ex-friend to chat with the young girls, one of whom is his colleague who he admitted to me does it for him. yes, that's just the charm of my not-so-platonic ex-friend. he's too wrong and i couldn't be bothered anyway. besides that just means i'm safe from any of his blatant attempts to try and hit on me right? yeah well in a way i suppose... 'coz by the end of the night he did kiss me on the lips twice. thankfully no one saw... i hope...

but aside from young girls and trying to avoid my not-so-platonic ex-friend, it wasn't too bad. one of the guys who i know told me that he was glad that i was there 'coz he was starting to feel like he was babysitting the young ones. i was glad that he was there too 'coz we get along pretty well. he's a funny fella.

and i was especially glad that my family friend's setup was there. and even more so when it seemed that we got along really well. maybe it's the alcohol but it was all very jokey and friendly... and maybe even a wee bit flirty? perhaps it's in my mind, but i liked his eye contact. i felt completely at ease with him. which is probably dangerous coupled with my attraction to him 'coz i'm sure i was pretty cheeky and somewhat touchy feely. but then again when i'm comfy, that's just me. i hug my male friends so it's not that big a deal to me. but later i wondered if it was a good idea to have hugged my family friend's setup after he walked me to my doorstep. i'm just not sure what's going on in his mind.

i like him. i definitely like him. i just have till the end of the year to indulge myself in such thoughts before his mark on my slate has to be wiped clean... but i still keep hoping that he will step up to the plate...

weekend endings

maybe i'm paying "penance" as a friend put it... but on friday i didn't party at all.

okay so i did contemplate going down to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar after school. but my party girl who was already there was heading back home. and the yummy mommy would only arrive later. and i didn't feel like sitting there alone when most of the regulars weren't there... and neither was dj guy.

my party girl informed me that dj guy quit. and no it had nothing to do with me or that incident. the bar still owed him money and my guess is that he probably just got annoyed at constantly having to work his butt off managing everything alone and not getting paid on time. i don't blame him. but that said, i also know money is an issue with him, so i texted asking what happened and if he's okay.

he never replied. honestly i didn't even expect him to. that might actually be too much for him... to actually reply.

anyhow with him no longer working in cozy hole-in-the-wall bar, i don't know when i'll ever see him again. in fact cozy hole-in-the-wall bar might be closing by the end of the year so i don't even know where i'll hang out or if i'll ever hang out like that again.

maybe in a way it's good. to just end it like that. but another part of me already misses him...

****
on saturday i met up with my family friend's setup. we were supposed to have dinner and then watch a movie. in the end a friend of his invited himself along with us for dinner. didn't really matter to me too much... though i did hope that my family friend's setup and i could have had more time on our own to catch up. it's been so so long since we last met up.

but all in all it was fun. his friend was pretty nice and dinner conversation flowed pretty easily. the movie was good as well. we were near his house and the movie ended relatively late so he offered to go home and take his van and send me home.

so yes i still do like him. which sucks 'coz nothing is happening and we're still going dutch and more likely than not we are probably just platonic friends. but yeah i do like him and still think he has some potential.

3 shots & an uncertain number of vodka cranberries

my party girl's german friend who is based in australia is in town. and last night my party girl, the yummy mommy and i brought him to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar.

the german/aussie turned out to be a really nice guy and a lot of fun to hang out with. it was supposed to be a chill out time. but somehow we wound up getting plied with a lot of drinks. after 3 shots and an uncertain number of vodka cranberries, i kinda lost touch on the drink count.

i was kinda having fun. chatting with the german/aussie as well as one of the owners of the bar. once again one of the topics was the mystery of why i'm still single. yes, i get it. big surprise. whatever. heck i'm surprised.

okay maybe not... seeing as how i really have the worst taste in men.

dj guy's ex girlfriend was there. it wasn't exactly hard to guess who she was. he behaved closer to her than any other girl i've ever seen before... well except for me perhaps. except that he wasn't behaving close to me last night (other than a lil hug and rub on the neck when he walked past behind me). and it wasn't exactly hard to see either that it seems that she's still into him. i'm not so sure if he's still into her. a part of it seems like maybe. and yet he also seemed like it was more him trying to be civil towards her.

i have to admit that it threw me off. nothing like some good healthy 'jealousy' to make you realise in dismay that once again you got sucked into that whole emotional attachment thing and actually wound up liking the guy you were making out with despite a lack of future. gosh and they wonder why i hate emotions.

before i left, i gave him the usual hug and cheek-kiss goodbye and asked quietly if he wanted to walk me out ('coz i'm bold like that). but he said that he had to do some work. well maybe 'coz his ex girlfriend and the bar manager were nearby...

i should have left it as it is... but after 3 shots and an uncertain number of vodka cranberries, my mind wasn't exactly thinking too clearly. but my phone was definitely too accessible. so i tipsy texted him...

jo: so straight up... i kinda like you... which is probably crazy... though then again i'm not always sane... anyhow just wanted you to know... take care!

i know! slap me! i woke up wanting to kill myself for my honesty. probably more so since he didn't respond. which i suppose there lies my answer. why am i not surprised?

there are only 3 courses of action now... stay away from cozy hole-in-the-wall bar, carry on and act like nothing happened or find a new guy to make out with to distract me (yes, apparently i'm the window shopper type haha!).

i feel totally sucky today... and i think it's more than just the 3 shots and an uncertain number of vodka cranberries... today is also kind of the 2-year 'anniversary' of the day that dj guy and i first met...

[edit]

and here the latest news just in... my family friend let slip that he's trying to fix up my family friend's setup with this cute girl from his office. though my family friend admits that my family friend's setup is sometimes hot and sometimes cold. ha! you think?

thanks... that's another piece of excellent news i needed to hear to complete my day. another boy i can write off. a boy that i actually really liked as well...

a 'them' update

sometimes my best friend's email cracks me up...

jo's best friend: how are things with you and erm... them?

indeed... how are things with... erm... them?

well... the guy based in missouri and i are still pretty actively chatting on IM. in fact he's asked me again to move there or visit him.

chatty triathlete has been calling me pretty frequently. he likes to chat on the phone. and he also makes it clear that he wants to meet up with me pretty often as well. i'm probably evil for saying this but sometimes i wished he wasn't so into me 'coz it's a lil stressful and overwhelming. i guess you just can't win.

during my recent vacation, i met up with my bodybuilder friend who i got to know via an online networking site. he's from here but is studying over there. anyhow we got along pretty well face to face. there was always something interesting to talk bout. but i'm beginning to realise that it's really different via IM. it's funny 'coz we first started chatting on IM. but lately i feel like it's just all him being suggestive which gets real boring real fast. he's interested in me... or at least in sorta hooking up with me... given all the suggestions of massages in hotel rooms and spanking my nice ass... but i'm starting to actually recoil from the idea of meeting up with him again when he's back for a holiday next month... i mean i have zero attraction to him and really just wanna stay platonic friends and stay away from the suggestive stuff..

my family friend's setup seemed to have pretty much disappeared from the face of earth. okay well he hasn't really. i mean i still see him online. and once in a while i actually do start up an IM conversation with him. but so far it hasn't been all that engaging. it's such a pity... he had such possible potential...

as for the guy who's been occupying most of my mind... well no new developments with dj guy... then again i haven't been to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar yet...

maybe it's time for someone brand new?

that restless feeling

i've noticed that of late i've been becoming more restless on a wednesday night.

last night wasn't really supposed to be a night to head out... but i was restless and anticipating an early morning on friday so i suggested to not-so-platonic ex-friend to bring forward our meeting up tonight to yesterday night.

he had made informal plans to meet my family friend's setup and couldn't quite give me an answer though he suggested perhaps we all meet together. but in the end he decided to have a boy's night out in the girlie bars.

for some reason i was more 'affected' by it than i should be. afterall it's not the first time i've heard of boys and those girlie bars. i knew staying at home would have made me even more restless and unsatisfied. i just had to get out for a beer. but even as i made plans to meet up with my party girl, i could still feel myself being slightly 'annoyed'.

i can't quite pinpoint it... i mean i fully expect girlie bars to be not-so-platonic ex-friend's thing. and 'coz he's so wrong that i don't even think bout it, therefore it's okay. maybe it was just the feeling that i'm getting more and more distant with my family friend's setup and that i start to wonder if he's capable of the things not-so-platonic ex-friend is capable of.

it turned out to be pretty fun with my party girl. just what i needed to distract myself. we had a couple of beers in a bar that i've never been to before heading over to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar to chill out.

the bartender aka dj guy did a good job of distracting me. after most everyone had left except for a bunch of youngsters we don't know (as in they weren't the regulars) lounging around upstairs, we made out at the bar. the process of me actually getting out of the bar turned out to be a 15 mins affair 'coz i kept getting distracted by dj guy's kisses. it was sweet. a lot of soft kisses (he says he loves my lips) and a few intense ones thrown in for good measure. it was also cheeky in that playful biting way. we almost couldn't quite stop kissing.

but eventually i got out of the bar and not into the store where he half wanted to bring me to... and i half wanted to follow him into...