case of the ex

what a difference a few days make... whatever the elation (albeit confusion) i felt since friday night, monday night sent me crashing down to earth.

crashing.

i had one of those bad days at work and the yummy mommy and i decided to head over to the club that dj guy now works in for some drinks and to watch a pool competition. dj guy was there and we had our usual cheek kisses. all platonic. but it was good to just chill out with the yummy mommy. nothing like some whisky dry to help me unwind.

and then dj guy's ex girlfriend turned up.

i've never talked to her before. i've never even really been introduced to her before. but yet she knew my name when she introduced me to her friend. and well... i know her name too. i guess we must have kept 'tabs' on each other somehow. i'm not sure if she knows bout dj guy and me... but i reckon she must have... somehow...

she's actually rather nice. friendly with a good sense of humor. i can see why dj guy got together with her in the first place. and frankly perhaps her background is more suited to him than i am.

but while we all did have some good laughs and i admittedly liked her company, it was really hard to hear some things. like how she came by to bring dj guy dinner. and how she hangs out with him weekly during her off days.

i ended the night early 'coz i still have a long week ahead. and while i could have just taken a taxi home, i chose the train 'coz i really needed the ride back home to think.

i don't know if he's confused. or if he's a jerk. or if he's a confused jerk. but he's definitely confusing me.

he's still obviously close to his ex. the kind of close where they meet up weekly and she brings him dinner. and it's obvious that she's trying to get him back. though he's said before that he won't get back with her again. so then why is he still meeting her weekly and letting her bring him dinner? i get that they are still friends... and i can even deal with that... but is this kind of friendship with your ex even normal?

and most of all what was that kiss he gave me on friday night? did it mean anything at all? or just some latent random feelings?

what kind of game is he playing?

i don't know if i can take all of this anymore. it's affecting me too much. i like him, i really do. too much even. and it scares me that i do. but i can't afford to invest my feelings in someone who i'm not even sure what he's thinking or feeling and who i haven't even gone out properly with.

maybe i should just give it up. i don't even wanna 'fight' with his ex for him. she has too much personality... and too much past with him for me to even compete with. maybe i should just forget the chemistry. that amazing draw when i see him. the feeling that i know it's mutual. yes, chemistry and passion may come once in a lifetime... but is that worth the confusion and mental torment?

and don't even get me started on the heartbreak... it breaks my heart to even think that i have to forget him and move on. strangely it's just too hard.

i guess this kinda just leaves me in middle of nowhere once again. maybe i should just give up on hoping to find and holding out for someone who i have that chemistry with and who is right for me. perhaps something somewhere's gotta give... and maybe someone who is right for me and cares for me should be enough for me... even if i'm not in love...