Sunday, January 06, 2008

a lookback on the past

i was all raring to go on my new new year's 'resolution'. but friday kinda messed me up.

firstly it started with getting an IM from my family friend's setup. don't get me wrong, it was really nice to know that i hadn't been totally forgotten. while he never mentioned bout my birthday wish text, he did ask me how my exams went. we had a brief IM conversation which i was struggling the entire time not to feel too much.

and then at night i was out with the yummy mommy in our usual friday night fun to celebrate the end of my exams. my party girl couldn't join us which then 'forced' us to make more one-on-one conversation than perhaps we normally would have had the chance to.

that was when she suddenly told me that during one of those moments when i was making out with dj guy, she told my party girl that i was going to get my heart broken. i really wanted to ask her what made her say that but i didn't dare to. i wasn't sure if i was ready to hear it. what would she say? that he was a bad boy?(not that i ever thought otherwise) that he was playing plenty of other girls at the same time as he was making out with me?

so i shelfed my burning question and we carried on partying. we were actually having a pretty good time bar/club hopping. then she decided to make a detour for cigarettes before heading to the club that dj guy now works in. and who should we see at the convenience store but dj guy. he was on the phone (though strangely not talking) and he stuck around for a while so we all gave him hugs. it might be my imagination but i thought there was a nice lil linger of his hand on my waist. i've missed that. anyhow i was very pleased with myself for playing it so cool. we went to the club that he now works in though we didn't stay long. but before i left, i thought that dj guy was nearby but i didn't even give him a second glance.

by that time the yummy mommy and i both had quite a nice buzz. so i decided to just ask her bout why she said that dj guy would break my heart. she said that he wasn't ready for a relationship but that he really really liked me.

okay so not exactly the answer i was looking for. that totally messed me up again.

i had hoped that maybe she would have talked bout another girl. so maybe i could feel a bit better at my own 'betrayal' or maybe angry that he had a double standard. just something that will result in me getting an eventual closure. but no... she told me that he really really liked me. i'm not sure if he actually told her that 'coz they are pretty close. or was it just something she inferred. but either way, that realisation didn't help me at all. i mean that's the big reason? the reason why he would have broken my heart? did she realise (even before i did) that i was starting to have really strong feelings for him and was afraid that i would be heartbroken to find out that he wasn't ready for a relationship? then again i don't think i would have necessarily minded since i myself wasn't entirely sure if i was ready for a relationship with him then.

i have no reason to believe that she would lie to me... or to mince any words... that's just not who she is. and more than anything else, i know she wouldn't have wanted me broken hearted and continue pining. so i have to presume that she was telling the entire truth.

but that still messed me up. even though i carried on partying in another club and even made conversation with some guys who came up to talk to me. i was having a good time. and on the surface i seemed perfectly fine.

but later i found myself crying alone in bed. it just freaking hurts. to still feel so strongly for him and to know that he indeed did really really like me. and then have it not work out 'coz if he did really really like me, i must have caused him so much hurt and pain that warranted that heartbroken look on his face which i can't ever forget.

and yet i know he made a choice. and the choice wasn't me. he chose not to truly forgive me and try and make it work.

how do you move on after all this?

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At 1:33 AM, Blogger Scotty said...

Its hard to move in, its not easy. Time helps, spending time with your true friends, keeping busy, keeping your eyes open to other boys... those are things that I think may help.

Hope you're doing ok over there, hang in there...

At 1:45 AM, Blogger The Ambiguous Blob said...

I don't see this as a lost cause. He over reacted to you kissing his friend and maybe someday, he'll 'get' that. You two were not an item- it never even came up that you should be exclusive! It still upsets me that he was such a child about the whole thing.

At 2:28 AM, Blogger Miss Pickle said...

Argh, it bothers me that he's being such a douche about the whole thing!!

Moving on sucks, and I know it sounds corny, but time is really the only thing that will help.

Hope you're doing OK, sending good thoughts your way! :O)


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