the power of passion

last night was the usual friday girls night out. we bar/club hopped a lil. it was fun as usual. though gosh i just kept seeing couples making out around me. it was really hard not to miss those times... and not to want a good make out session myself.

we were intending to head into the club dj guy now works in... i had hoped that we would... but then my party girl commented that it was pretty empty so we decided to head to another club which i haven't gone in at least half a year. it used to be one of our usual stops to end off the night. but since dj guy and i started on our making out sessions, i haven't been there 'coz i let my party girl and the yummy mommy go on without me while i made cozy hole-in-the-wall bar my last (and only) stop for the night.

it's a pity that i didn't get to see dj guy... i wanted to have give myself a chance to act normal with him again...

****

this evening my best friend long distance called me. she had just finished having tea with some friends and the topic of the guy she used to like came up and she suddenly felt herself missing him. this was the guy she was with despite him having a girlfriend. the guy who she felt a lot for and did a lot for.

so in our conversation we talked bout chemistry. my best friend admitted that while she is happy with her current boyfriend, she did miss that raw animalistic chemistry that she had with the other guy. i totally understand what she means.

jo's best friend: i want the slam you against the wall type haha!
jo: hahaha! so do i... and i want to slam him against the wall too!

all this just reminded me of how much i miss dj guy. he was so perfect for me in those ways. sometimes i wonder if i lost my one true chance at that kind of passsion. i think that maybe you can grow to love a person... and you can even grow to be more attracted to a person... but with passion, it's either there from the start or not. maybe we all 'settle' in that sense... 'coz there is no one perfect person. and ultimately a lot of people do sacrifice passion for stability.

but will i? i think at the very end of the day, if the person i have passion for isn't a "right paper" guy, i think i just might sacrifice passion for stability.

and strangely that makes me sad...

****

i've been thinking a lot... and i think with dj guy, i just got scared. it's funny 'coz i think he and i felt exactly the same thing. we weren't ready in that sense for anything more. yet we couldn't help but feel that much. and we both just got scared of our emotions.

i liked him too much... more than i even dared to admit to myself. and when i start to realise that i'm liking someone too much and it doesn't seem like it's going to work out, i freak out. i try and stop it somehow. be it trying to convince myself that i don't feel that much or trying to find someone new to help me stop liking that person so much.

i'm just really bad with emotions and i try to avoid my feelings. ultimately i'm just really scared to get hurt. which i suppose is ironic in that sense... since i ended up not only hurting him but also hurting myself...

****

in other news, the chatty triathlete texted me to let me know that he's attached.

he's been attached for a month and she is a new member of his church cell group. it was never going to work out with us anyway. and recently i had suspected that he must have found someone else 'coz he had stopped contacting me. but despite all that, actually hearing him say (or texting) that he was attached kinda stabbed me a lil.

perhaps i'm just envious. i want what he has. happiness with someone. and for things to just work out so quickly.

but honestly i am happy for him. and i hope that we can still remain friends. even though our impending meeting up next week seems so much like a break up where we return each other their stuff...