loving too much and not enough

it was weird but i could have sworn that i saw the engineer-turned-teacher at the same bus stop as i was. and we took the same bus. and alighted at the same stop.

that's when i turned one way and he turned another, crossing the road.

okay so i did 'stalk' him on the bus as he sat in front and i sat nearer the back. and i turned back to see where he walked when we alighted. i would have considered staring him down a lil harder and maybe smile and wave if it was indeed him. but given the fact that he never called after our 'date', i decided not to bother.

but i admit that i wondered why was he around my place? granted we live kinda near to each other... but he was around my place. he must be here for a reason.

****

lately i haven't been in the best of moods and have been having that rollercoaster feeling all over the place. this is largely due to work issues. and it's not my purpose to talk bout work issues (or any other issues except guy issues) here in this blog but let's just say that recently i've been feeling like the idea of not ever having to work is starting to look more and more attractive.

so in a recent IM with the guy based in missouri, one of the questions he asked was what was my long term goal (i assume he meant career wise since we were talking bout work before his question) . i told him that i wanted to be a lady of leisure. a wife of a rich man who could support me in the style that i could get accustomed to.

he laughed and asked how was my dating life coming along. well you all know as well as i do that there is no dating life to speak of.

jo: i'm super single
guy based in missouri: you're too hot to be single
jo: haha! thanks... but i really AM super single
guy based in missouri: well come out on a date with me then
jo: hahaha! long distance date??
guy based in missouri: fly over here!

seriously i think if i felt that kind of chemistry with the guy based in missouri, it might actually work out pretty well since he's "right on paper" and all that...

****

but it's as if i'm not pathetic enough, 'coz i still think bout dj guy all the time.

yesterday i met up with my best friend's sister to watch dan in real life (she's kinda like my movie buddy since my best friend moved). the theme was bout love. specially love at first sight that could blossom in 3 days. well i don't know bout the love at first sight nor the 3 days part but somewhere along the way of the movie when the guy kept repeating "i love her, i love her, i love her", that just really got to me. it almost sounded like me.

but then my rational mind takes over and says that i can't be in love with him. we weren't ever together and i don't know him all that well. but yet, my heart tells me that even though it's crazy, it's also very real.

"there's rightness in our wrongness"

and it just hurts.

"is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? that there's something keeping you apart? that there's something about this person that you can connect with? and whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, and you know that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?"

okay so i'm not sure if it's the best possible version of myself, but he makes me feel like i can actually be myself. which is more than i can say for most guys.

i guess i just keep getting brought back to that quote i love and find to be so true...

quand on n'aime pas trop, on n'aime pas assez

when you don't love too much, you don't love enough