i had a dream

last night i had a dream bout dj guy which i still can't quite shake it off. and no, it wasn't that kind of dream... it was all PG haha!

but it was sweet... and at times intense... just like how dj guy and i are like in real life. it made me miss and crave those real life times...

my heart aches, i really do miss that guy...

so my best friend called me and i shared with her bout my dream. as we were talking, i was reminded bout how i realised previously that i can't quite trust myself. i think i've been single too long that i'm almost used to not having to 'answer to' any guy. i can choose to date anyone casually or just have a random makeout session or maybe even a constant not-so-random makeout session. but i never felt guilty 'coz i wasn't really with anyone. i'm single and technically free to do whatever i want.

i guess maybe that's where the whole complication set in after that incident with dj guy... when i realised that strangely i felt 'guilty' for all that happened. granted it was not all my fault, but i have my share of the blame to take as well. and i can't understand why i should feel 'guilty'. i mean technically i didn't do anything wrong. but yet it's been hard to convince myself totally. and somehow even harder to convince dj guy.

and then i realised there's this newly added worry that maybe 'coz i've been single too long, perhaps i don't know how to be attached. i really don't want to cheat or to be cheated on. but i worry bout what if i lose control for a moment and then something happens? yes i realise that i'm just pre-empting. i mean it's not like i'm even close to being attached at the moment. but what if that whole incident with dj guy was just showing me who i really am?

maybe that's why it's been bothering me and eating into me more than i thought it should. i liked him and i can't believe that i did that to him... and to myself. i guess i'm also ashamed at myself for losing control for that moment.

i know i should move on... but somehow i just can't deny that i still have very strong feelings for him... feelings that haven't even begun to go away...

and that's the toughest thing that i have to live with... if only there was some way to turn back time...