what i hide...

i still can't quite believe all that has happened. i seem to spend every waking and sub-conscious moment thinking bout it. almost willing it not to be true. but it is true. and the fact remains that the ad-man did not tell me bout it himself. i feel almost disappointed at the way he's choosing to approach this... which is by ignoring my IM messages. and to think that we used to chat for hours online talking bout everything and nothing at all. how did that happen? besides losing someone i really liked, i also feel like i lost a friend that i could open up to.

so i told the guy based in missouri bout what happened...

guy based in missouri: how can anyone not pick you!
jo: sigh i don't know
guy based in missouri: hey you're better than he is
jo: how so?
guy based in missouri: because it shows he needs someone more than you need someone!
guy based in missouri: he's more desperate than you
jo: he's always needed someone more than i need someone
jo: or maybe i hide it better

and that's when it hit me...

i think like everything else i've hidden, i've usually managed to hide the fact that i do need someone. i just choose to pretend that i don't and that i'm okay. 'coz it seems easier to wear that mask then to show my real face.

it's not that i simply can't survive without someone. afterall i always have survived. but while the single life is nice in some ways and i have still been able to keep myself relatively busy with friends, family and plenty of alone time, it would be nice to have someone. i'm tired of wondering if there's something wrong with me. i'm tired of wanting to love and be loved back. i'm tired of merely surviving. and most of all i've scared that what happens if i'm destined to walk this earth alone?

so i'm not any less in need of someone than most anyone else. and i'm not any less desperate than most anyone else. i just hide it better.