shattered

i'd be lying if i said the past almost 2 months have been easy. they haven't. my on/off connection/disconnection with the ad-man have left me in a fairly emotional mess. and the disconnection seemed to have gotten worst recently. so as i start to face the very real possibility that i have to let go, get over him and move on, i must admit that it's killing me to have to try and do this.

that's when it kinda hit me...

i've always felt that i was damaged, my heart shattered. and yet i never quite understood why. or maybe deep down i did, but i was just afraid to bring up all that pain and emotion. among all the guys i "dated", i can't say that anyone of 'em particularly hurt me. not even prick04, who i deem as the biggest prick i've ever known and believe that everything bad that i've gone through is directly related to him. and yet i can't say that my heart was shattered by him.

no, i realise now that it's hope that shattered my heart. through the years there've been times where i was truly interested in someone and some of those times, the guy actually made it to my heart. my hopes were raised. but each time when things didn't work out, a part of my heart was broken. it gets increasingly harder each time. and that's why i try not to get emotionally attached. 'coz i'm worried that my heart can't take another broken hope.

there is so much love inside of me that i'm longing to give. but i can't seem to find someone who will be gentle with this love and love me back. and i worry that 'coz i have so much love that i want to give, that i don't dare to love 'coz i'm scared to let someone inside 'coz i know my heart can't take any further shattering.

i've been trying to mend the broken pieces of my heart. but just like a vase that has been shattered, you can glue back the broken pieces to form some semblance of a vase... but it will never really be that original vase again...