Tuesday, December 16, 2008

what can i do?

i was having a brief IM chat with my family friend when he invited me over to his place on sunday for one of his usual group gatherings. incidentally it was in one of those group gatherings where i first got to know my family friend's setup. since i'm more of a backup then the lead, i haven't hung out with this group in at least over a year.

i guess any anticipation on meeting my family friend's setup again was quickly squashed upon hearing this...

family friend: but *insert my family friend's setup's name* and *insert a girl's name* will be there fyi
family friend: i don't think its an issue, but just to let you know

i saw that IM too late and by that time my family friend had already logged off. and i thought it would seem too eager if i texted him asking who was that girl? 'coz i don't know who she is. and i'm dying to know who she is. 'coz the way my family friend put it, it seemed like she was my family friend's setup's girlfriend or something.

i'm not sure how to feel. but i would also be lying if i said that i didn't feel a thing.

my family friend's setup was the first guy in a long while who made me think that there was real potential. in fact he's probably the second guy to ever really make it to my heart. and in some ways he's left his mark there. so yes, i feel strange at the possibility of him having a girlfriend.

but of 'coz i gotta get real right? i mean it's obvious that he was never really into me. we were probably always just friends... and not even really good ones at that. but i guess it still sucks.

recently ecrivain's post where she said "had this sense of being left behind, you know? like, everyone else is pairing off and there i am, left off of noah's ark, waiting for the flood to wipe me out completely." has left me thinking and realising that that is exactly how i feel.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this way and everyone would probably tell me that i'm awesome and it just takes some time but i'll be able find someone... but honestly geez why does it have to take that long?? and frankly sometimes i'm almost convinced that there must be something wrong with me.

it seems like i just don't seem to be able to find any guy who really does like me. most just fizzle away quickly. and the ones i do like never seem to like me back or at least not even close to being in the same measure of my liking 'em. and it's not like guys are knocking down the doors to ask me out. i just seem to lead a really solitary life.

and sometimes it's just really frustrating.

i wanna try again but i fear that maybe a part of me still isn't ready to try again yet. at least judging from the way my recent foray back into online dating is going. i'm bored with the choices out there in the virtual world and frankly i don't even get many hits anyway.

but i also miss the feeling of possibility... the way my heart feels when it... feels... even if i'm scared that it will just all come crashing down. i also miss making out... but yet while it can be fun sometimes, i'm a lil tired of the random tipsy makeout.

should i fake it till i make it? or should i just give up at least for now ('coz fully giving up makes me think that i would really wind up walking the earth alone and that scares me) till i feel i'm more ready or whatever?

i don't even know what to do anymore.

****

the "booty caller" has struck again. he asked me over IM if i wanted to meet up tonight. the plan was to head to the beach (seriously i have no idea what's his fixation with the beach) and the implied plan was to make out.

the thing is that both of us had our own dinner plans. so the plan obviously didn't include dinner. and since he doesn't drink, i don't suppose it includes drinks either. so i can't help but feel a lil "used" when it seems like he doesn't intend to buy me dinner or drinks or even attempt to get to know me and yet i'm supposed to make out with him. i mean maybe that might actually fly if i were already tipsy or he's an absolute hottie, but i'm not and he's not.

however i am missing making out and after 3 months of no action whatsoever, i'm starting to think that i'm waay outta practice... and yet tempting as it may be to break this drought, i'm not sure if the "booty caller" is the right person for the job.

and neither is the guy who was looking for "chats of a naughty nature". he just told me over IM that he was offering his services to me should i feel any urges.

er... thanks?

****

it's been bout 4 months since we met randomly and the med student and i have still been continuing to IM ever so often. we've never met again (though yesterday we were both in the same relatively large bookstore at the same time) but strangely i can't help but still feel a certain connection with him.

maybe it's 'coz we have a fair amount of similarities... and there's definitely still a certain attraction (at least on my part). if he wasn't attached, i would be even more tempted to give it a try with him... not that he's really asking of 'coz...

but i have to say that as i think of guys that i'm attracted to, i'm reminded of what i do want in a guy. and while for the most part i do think that my standards are achievable, i sometimes wonder if there is anyone out there for me...

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4 Comments:

At 5:12 AM, Blogger Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Seriously. Drop this booty caller guy. "making out on the beach"? Is he mental, or just 12?

He's out for what he can get, some internet fun time probably... and not a lot else...

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger SaneAndSingle said...

This sentence really hit home with me... "i just seem to lead a really solitary life."

It is frustrating. And I really don't know what to do anymore either.

 
At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Ecrivain said...

You're not the only one who misses the feeling of possibility...that sentence alone conjures up so many mixed feelings.

And I'm with saneandsingle-- "I just seem to lead a really solitary life" sort of touches a raw spot with me.

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger jo said...

please don't eat with your mouth open: yeah the "booty caller" is a lil strange. i mean if he had wanted a more proper meeting up i would have been cool with it.

saneandsingle: join the club of the perpetually confused...

ecrivain: yeah i want that feeling of possibility... without all that feeling of hurt and rejection that so far seems to come with it after that...

 

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