what can i do?

i was having a brief IM chat with my family friend when he invited me over to his place on sunday for one of his usual group gatherings. incidentally it was in one of those group gatherings where i first got to know my family friend's setup. since i'm more of a backup then the lead, i haven't hung out with this group in at least over a year.

i guess any anticipation on meeting my family friend's setup again was quickly squashed upon hearing this...

family friend: but *insert my family friend's setup's name* and *insert a girl's name* will be there fyi
family friend: i don't think its an issue, but just to let you know

i saw that IM too late and by that time my family friend had already logged off. and i thought it would seem too eager if i texted him asking who was that girl? 'coz i don't know who she is. and i'm dying to know who she is. 'coz the way my family friend put it, it seemed like she was my family friend's setup's girlfriend or something.

i'm not sure how to feel. but i would also be lying if i said that i didn't feel a thing.

my family friend's setup was the first guy in a long while who made me think that there was real potential. in fact he's probably the second guy to ever really make it to my heart. and in some ways he's left his mark there. so yes, i feel strange at the possibility of him having a girlfriend.

but of 'coz i gotta get real right? i mean it's obvious that he was never really into me. we were probably always just friends... and not even really good ones at that. but i guess it still sucks.

recently ecrivain's post where she said "had this sense of being left behind, you know? like, everyone else is pairing off and there i am, left off of noah's ark, waiting for the flood to wipe me out completely." has left me thinking and realising that that is exactly how i feel.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this way and everyone would probably tell me that i'm awesome and it just takes some time but i'll be able find someone... but honestly geez why does it have to take that long?? and frankly sometimes i'm almost convinced that there must be something wrong with me.

it seems like i just don't seem to be able to find any guy who really does like me. most just fizzle away quickly. and the ones i do like never seem to like me back or at least not even close to being in the same measure of my liking 'em. and it's not like guys are knocking down the doors to ask me out. i just seem to lead a really solitary life.

and sometimes it's just really frustrating.

i wanna try again but i fear that maybe a part of me still isn't ready to try again yet. at least judging from the way my recent foray back into online dating is going. i'm bored with the choices out there in the virtual world and frankly i don't even get many hits anyway.

but i also miss the feeling of possibility... the way my heart feels when it... feels... even if i'm scared that it will just all come crashing down. i also miss making out... but yet while it can be fun sometimes, i'm a lil tired of the random tipsy makeout.

should i fake it till i make it? or should i just give up at least for now ('coz fully giving up makes me think that i would really wind up walking the earth alone and that scares me) till i feel i'm more ready or whatever?

i don't even know what to do anymore.

****

the "booty caller" has struck again. he asked me over IM if i wanted to meet up tonight. the plan was to head to the beach (seriously i have no idea what's his fixation with the beach) and the implied plan was to make out.

the thing is that both of us had our own dinner plans. so the plan obviously didn't include dinner. and since he doesn't drink, i don't suppose it includes drinks either. so i can't help but feel a lil "used" when it seems like he doesn't intend to buy me dinner or drinks or even attempt to get to know me and yet i'm supposed to make out with him. i mean maybe that might actually fly if i were already tipsy or he's an absolute hottie, but i'm not and he's not.

however i am missing making out and after 3 months of no action whatsoever, i'm starting to think that i'm waay outta practice... and yet tempting as it may be to break this drought, i'm not sure if the "booty caller" is the right person for the job.

and neither is the guy who was looking for "chats of a naughty nature". he just told me over IM that he was offering his services to me should i feel any urges.

er... thanks?

****

it's been bout 4 months since we met randomly and the med student and i have still been continuing to IM ever so often. we've never met again (though yesterday we were both in the same relatively large bookstore at the same time) but strangely i can't help but still feel a certain connection with him.

maybe it's 'coz we have a fair amount of similarities... and there's definitely still a certain attraction (at least on my part). if he wasn't attached, i would be even more tempted to give it a try with him... not that he's really asking of 'coz...

but i have to say that as i think of guys that i'm attracted to, i'm reminded of what i do want in a guy. and while for the most part i do think that my standards are achievable, i sometimes wonder if there is anyone out there for me...

and i'm a lil girl again...

you know how as kids, lil boys would tease and pull the hair of the lil girls they liked? yeah well suddenly i'm wondering if i'm experiencing this at the "ripe old age" of 28... then again the med student is a whopping 4 years younger...

we were on one of our usual marathon and very engaging conversations. then he started teasing me to no end. saying that i had a deep husky voice that sounded like a man's, (which btw i don't sound like a man! i'm just not high pitched...) though he did add later that he found it rather quirky. saying that i sounded pertually anal (which btw i'm so not!). saying that i'm a freak (just 'coz i have this memory for trivial like what is the lead singer's name of a band). i know he was joking around and i decided to joke around and pretend to be upset...

jo: omg have you nothing nice to say to me?
jo: you're taking my self esteem for a ride here
the med student: well.. im trying to be mean to u, so that i won't fall for u
the med student: reverse psychology eh
jo: haha!
jo: i'm sure you don't have to try that hard
the med student: well.. i think i do..
the med student: cause u seriously seem like my soulmate
the med student: except ur manly voice
jo: haha! maybe especially my manly voice

i know we have quite a fair amount of things in common... but soulmate? wow... you know, i've never actually had a guy tell me that before... and especially in this case, that's kinda complicated and scary...

is this a joke?

sometimes i'm not sure if i can tell if someone is joking anymore...

in a recent conversation with the med student, we suddenly wound up on the topic of sex. or more importantly he started interrogating me on my views bout various things relating to sex.

now as long as i'm relatively comfy with the person, i'm not really that embarrassed talking bout sex and relationships. it's just that generally i'm not exactly an open book so it's hard for me to open up and share. but since i'm definitely very comfy with the med student, i was somewhat surprised that i found myself being able to share with him pretty openly.

but i must admit that i wondered how the heck did this conversation come bout and if there was any hidden agenda.

we were chatting all fine and dandy when his IM decides to go cranky on him and refuse to let him sign in. just as the conversation was getting interesting. soon enough i received his text and we started on a lil back and forth texting. and then...

the med student: so here is the offer. if ya need an awesome time, ya most welcome to find me, but must get my gf approval 1st :P

say what??? was that an indecent proposal that i heard?

jo: what?? r u kidding?? how did this suddenly come bout?
the med student: kidding. anyway, seeking approval from my gf is like courting death so its impossible

so does that mean that if he didn't have to seek approval, it wouldn't be impossible?

jo: now i dont know if ure joking or not. was ur offer for real?
the med student: of course its a joke rt, how would ya even have to guts to approach my gf with such an audacious request.
jo: haha! well tt clears things up :)

at least i thought it did...

the med student: well. if i dun have a gf i probably would have offered.

we texted a lil more and then...

the med student: but anyway, i think ya very attractive personality.
jo: thanks. i think e same of u too.
the med student: at this rate we r flirting, i so forsee us sleeping together.

what??

so basically i have no idea anymore if he was kidding or not. but it doesn't hide the possibility that we are mutually attracted to each other.

****

but i think that drummer boy must be kidding me...

someone who takes that long to reply to an open honest email pouring out my heart, just mustn't be interested enough to bother to reply timely.

it's not like he's drafted out the reply email and then spent days thinking bout whether to send it and when. that's my job. i'm sure coming up with an email takes him all of 2 seconds. he just can't be bothered to find that 2 seconds.

thanks a lot. that freaking hurts. i thought that he was different. i thought that he actually truly cared and liked me. but turns out he's pretty much the same as the rest of 'em before. he couldn't even keep his interest for more than a month. i'd like to think that i'm more deserving than that.

i don't regret all that happened. but i think i just might regret that i got deeply emotionally involved. and now i'm just trying so hard to forget him. and to ignore every stab in my heart when i suddenly find myself thinking of him and the places that we went...

turn me on

it seems like recently i've been turning a few guys on in my IM conversations. not that i'm doing it on purpose much less some cyber sex chat thing. but apparently just chatting with me makes my not-so-platonic ex-friend "horny for" me and talking bout our past "dating" history gets this guy from the other online dating site "turned on".

which of 'coz then led to both of 'em essentially asking me out for a makeout session.

the decisions weren't exactly too hard to make...

i told myself before that i'm not gonna go there again with my not-so-platonic ex-friend. he's too wrong and it's wrong and i don't want to participate and perpetuate the cycle of wrong. besides he's a friend and i think it's best we leave it at that.

as for the guy from the other online dating site... well i admit that i was mildly tempted. i was feeling almost a bit reckless and possibly looking to shake things up. but at the same time i had to remind myself that i've never actually met him before. and a promise of a makeout session even before i even met the guy wasn't really an expectation i could handle. plus he was starting to kinda see this other girl...

and apparently even though the med student didn't ask me out for a makeout session, i still managed to "turn him on" in our IM conversation...

the med student: wait a min, i gtg bathe... i dun wanna my BO to diffuse all the way to ur computer
jo: hahaha! alritey :P
the med student: ur invited to join me if u wanna
the med student: its lonely to bathe alone... :P
jo: haha! well you're a lil far away...
jo: plus you don't remember me... and you shouldn't bathe with strangers right?
the med student: well... if we do share a hot shower, im sure ill remember u for life
jo: and if you have a cold shower alone, you'll definitely remember me for longer than that haha!
the med student: woah... ur so damn witty... wat a turn on

maybe i should stop engaging anyone in real life and keep it virtual since i seem to be scoring so well there...

what i'm doing

i admit that i was a lil nervous going into the office on monday morning… random makeouts aren’t exactly new to me… but never with a colleague. never with someone who i’m gonna have to face almost every day and actually work on the same project with for the next 2 months. and to make matters even more complicated, i actually sorta kinda like cutie aussie colleague.

come monday, things seemed alright. he acted like everything was normal and i followed his cue. i suppose in a way it’s slightly disappointing. maybe i would like to think that the kiss meant something more. but i’m a big girl… and if it doesn’t, then i can deal with it. but it's harder than expected though. not when i have to face him everyday. not when i have to face him everyday being attracted to him. and then being reminded of what happened. and what did not happen.

anyhow he’s leaving in mid december... and long distance isn’t really the best thing. besides he travels around so much for work projects and vacations in between that that i have a feeling he’s not really the commitment type anyway.

****

in other news, the med student and i have still been having fantastic conversations and finding even more things in common (even he acknowledged that). a recent conversation took a more joking / flirty turn as we joked bout being "sisters".

the med student: i dun mind u helping me file my nails, shave my eyebrows, giving me a facial n foot massage
jo: hahaha! i'm not your beauty therapist
the med student: n maybe we can have a pyjamas party, n sleep on the same bed
jo: hahaha! slumber party!
jo: you sleeping with your nightie? haha!
the med student: my nightie is nothing but my bdae suit...

that tone carried on for quite a while even as we talked bout other stuff such as hair and hair removal. of ‘coz i know that he’s just joking around. i’m just joking around too. though it’s possible that on some level maybe he’s just as attracted to me as i am to him. but since he has a girlfriend and ‘coz we’re now kinda “friends”, we aren’t gonna act on it.

so is all this wrong? joking / flirting a lil where one of the participants is attached?

well yeah i suppose technically in some way it’s kinda wrong… afterall to be honest i wouldn’t want my guy to be out doing that with other girls. but i’m single and i know my limits. and maybe in some way, sometimes for now i just don’t always think too much of a lil harmless flirtation.

****

which brings me to the point where i’m wondering if anyone out there wonders if i’m this totally confused child and what the heck am i getting myself into.

sometimes i wonder myself.

there i am making all this effort with drummer boy… and yet there i am randomly making out with the younger brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar and cutie aussie colleague. and then i’m chatting regularly and flirting a lil on IM with the med student, an attached guy i met in the club who i happen to be rather attracted to.

what am i doing?

i don’t know. being single? then again that’s the only thing i’ve ever known. which definitely makes me wonder if i can ever be capable of being in a proper relationship?

i like drummer boy. seriously i do. i could probably wind up liking cutie aussie colleague or the med student more if they showed interest or weren’t attached but that doesn’t look like it’s happening. which is silly i suppose since it’s not like drummer boy is showing interest anymore. but ‘coz my heart’s wired that way, since he already wormed his way into my heart, it’ll take nothing short of an army expedition of wrenching out to get him outta there.

if drummer boy was willing, i think at this point i would probably be willing as well. willing to try and give this proper relationship a shot. willing to try to learn to even be in a proper relationship. but in the meantime, i’m possibly back to my old ways of being very concerned not to get my heart shattered, trying to distract myself and being kinda unbothered bout what i do to help achieve all that.

4 guys to fulfill it all

the med student and i have been chatting on IM a fair bit and i must admit that it's really a joy to talk to him. and it seems like we can pretty much just talk bout anything at all.

somehow we just get along. we have similar interests and a strange number of coincedences. we're both somewhat athletic (acutally he's quite an uber athlete), support the same world cup sports team since the same season, have some similar church values (though he's catholic and i'm christian), love to read and go to the museums. and it's funny that he's a med student with an interest in the business side of things while i'm a business graduate with an interest in medical jargon.

so we were on one of our marathon conversations recently where at one point he "joked" that he believed in polygamy (yes i realise it's clearly not one of those church values haha!).

now i'm all for monogamy. i believe i'm the true blue monogamist type and i want the same for my partner as well. but later in a short break from our conversation, i thought bout it and decided that maybe it wasn't that bad an idea afterall...

maybe i could have one guy to have really good conversations with me, one guy who is a total hottie for the physical chemistry, one guy to provide the money and one guy to treat me really well. yep those 4 guys should settle all my needs.

i think we all search for that one guy to fulfill all those needs... but maybe it's easier to find 4 separate guys instead? haha!

****

maybe i should add one more to the list... one guy to make me laugh?

i had an impromptu lunch meeting up with pool boy who happened to be passing by my workplace location. and then we followed up with some IMing at work. i may not have a whole lot to say to him but one thing's for sure... the boy always cracks me up. that deadpan humour is freaking hilarious.

****

but no amount of laughing really makes me get over the fact that drummer boy still hasn't mentioned a damn thing bout the email!

seriously i'm sad and disappointed in him and that it turned out this way. it's like what my best friend said...

jo's best friend: i thought he was diff too. like someone who would make an effort and not be afraid or at least have the decency to face it when it's time

and i'm also wondering if it's me that no one ever thinks i'm so freaking awesome that they just have to be so proactive and be with me...

yes, i definitely wanna hit someone over the head with the ball...

been up, been down

in the last few days the med student and i have been chatting on IM. it's actually been a joy to talk to him. he's been providing me with some much missed intellectual stimulation. he's jaded and perhaps even a bit of a player but at the same time his honesty is refreshing.

but of 'coz a hot intelligient doctor-to-be can't possibly be single... and i was sadly right. he's been going out with his girlfriend for 2.5 years... quite the record for a player type who thought relationships could only last months... nevermind that he's already feeling a lil stressed out at how long his current relationship has been going on. and a doctor-to-be has gotta date an equally intelligient girl right? yep his girlfriend is a lawyer.

so unfortunately this med student is out of bounds for me... but all the same i enjoy talking to him.

****

which i can't say the same for this guy from the other online dating site who has been IMing me. okay so it's not like i totally hate talking to him... it's just that he comes across a lil strange to me sometimes.

he's been continuing to rave bout how he thinks i'm hot and really funny and all that. and then outta the blue he asked me if i've ever kissed a guy.

er... okay... so yes he had asked previously how many relationships i've had in the past and i've told him that i normally don't do proper relationships. it's natural for most guys (and possibly girls as well) to be curious bout that. but it's funny when he asked if i have ever a kissed a guy. i guess most people kinda just assume that just 'coz i don't normally do proper relationships doesn't mean i haven't kissed a guy.

so then after we establish what is a kiss (peck on the lips vs french. where i normally only really consider it to be a kiss if it's french.), he starts telling me bout his first kiss and asks bout mine. frankly, i can't really remember. and why would i even tell him? much less when he asked how many guys i've kissed. are you kidding me??

and then he asked me out for dinner. but i told him that i've been pretty busy lately and that it was too soon for me. i guess i'm just not sure bout meeting him...

****

but i was sure that i wanted to meet the guy who i winked at on the online dating site some time ago and who sent me an email over a month ago and who i've been chatting via IM very briefly on/off with (and who i promise you will have a shorter nickname soon haha!)... i was in fact looking forward to meeting up with him. there were the usual slight "first date" jitters... i even wore a cute new dress.

however i must say that it did annoy me that by 4.45pm today, he still hadn't contacted me bout our supposed meeting up tonight. that's something i don't get. i mean i know you're busy and all that but really, is sending a text or IM to confirm simply just too time consuming?? seriously i can't be set up just to be knocked down.

in the end i couldn't help myself. i mean this girl has a life and needs to know the plan... even if the plan is to just head home. so i texted him to ask if we were still on for dinner. honestly i don't like doing that. he was supposed to let me know and he didn't. if there was a points system going on, he just lost some brownie points.

bout 45 mins later he replied with a "definitely" and said that he would let me know the venue soon. well okay... but i couldn't help feeling in part that the initial excitement wasn't really there anymore.

after i left my office, i received a call from him and he very nicely offered to come down to where i was and then we head off together to the restaurant location for dinner where he had made reservations. i was once again impressed with his proactive-ness and my mood improved.

i actually did have a pretty good time. dinner was lovely and he was great company as well. it's relatively easy to talk to him and we even shared a few good laughs. unfortunately we only spent 2 hours together before he had to head home to finish up some work. to be honest his job is a lil confusing for me but the main essence i got from him was that he was into the whole motivational speaking thing.

i must say it was a lil strange meeting up with the motivator (i did promise you a shorter nickname didn't i?). strange 'coz it's the first time i met up with someone since the whole confusing pseudo relationship with drummer boy.

as for my thoughts on the motivator... he wasn't as eloquent vocally as i had expected but on the whole still above average. i did find him attractive though if seemingly a lil on the shorter side of taller than me (or maybe i'm just used to standing next to drummer boy who is relatively tall). i was also curious bout his interests in salsa dancing and playing the trumpet. overall he seems like a guy with possible potential. the only thing is that i'm not big on the whole motivational speaking thing and i'm wondering if there's such a thing as too motivated?

i'm not sure how things might go... i guess it really depends on how soon he asks me out again (assuming that he does) given how busy he is since it's obvious that he's really busy. but that said i did have a pretty good time...

even though initially i did find my mind subconsciously drifting to drummer boy... and after as well...

****

yes, drummer boy somehow manages to still occupy my heart and mind.

i still don't know what's up with him and "us". i texted him briefly during lunch and then later after work but that was bout it.

i should probably play it cool for the next 2 days till saturday when we're supposed to meet. (dang how do i play it cool when we're supposed to decide where and what time to meet on saturday?) if i'm feeling really brave (and i need to feel really brave... for real!), i might try to hopefully get to talking to him proper.

sigh why is it all so tough?

looking forward

maybe i shouldn't be excited... but sometimes it's hard not to be especially when you're so confused bout a pseudo relationship which has in recent weeks seem to be taking a turn where the guy doesn't seem as interested as before and you're doing all the work. sometimes i just want to relax and have fun.

the guy who i winked at on the online dating site some time ago and who sent me an email over a month ago and who i've been chatting via IM very briefly on/off with (i promise you he will have a shorter nickname soon haha!) and i have decided to meet up on wednesday for dinner. and i'm excited bout it. as he asked me some questions, i could tell that he was actually planning it. he asked me what cuisine i liked and where i lived and then said that he will look for a place to have dinner. i really like this kind of proactive-ness.

jo: thanks for planning :P
guy: look fwd to our dinner on wed!
jo: yeah i'm looking forward to it :)
guy: my utmost pleasure and privilege

and when he said...

guy: i think u are a natural strong communicator with high level of eloquence and linguistic capacity

i thought that that was a great compliment. he's certainly someone with an equally high level of "eloquence and linguistic capacity" which is something i value.

****

but apparently all that supposed natural strong communication and high levels of eloquence and linguistic skills that i supposedly possess doesn't seem to help me to communiate with drummer boy...

he and i practically had an entire sunday go by without texting each other. i nearly decided not to but then i thought i should be nice and check in if he was feeling better. i texted him at bout 5.30pm and 4 hours later he still hadn't replied. since i felt that wasn't really like him, i decided to call and turns out he didn't receive my text. we didn't chat long 'coz he was having dinner with his friend. but later he IMed me.

and 'coz i'm masochistic that way, i decided to ask him if he wanted to head to this interactive science playground next saturday. we had previously (back when things were good) talked bout going there 'coz we like it and since i had just gotten some passes which would give us a 50% discount, i decided to bring it up again.

so yeah, that's the supposed plan.

jo: we can probably decide on the details later or something...
jo: but yay! i'm looking forward to it :)
drummer boy: orh ok

yeah i'm not sure if that was an okay-we-can-decide-details-later or an okay-i-have-no-idea-how-to-respond-as-to-why-you're-so-excited kinda thing...

but i think that somehow with this one, i just gotta try. give it my best to try and see if i can make it work out somehow. but of 'coz i'm gonna need drummer boy to want to make it work out too... and given the way he's been acting in the last few weeks, i'm really not sure if he wants to even try at all...

****

which is probably why i have a slight case of "wandering eyes"... i still can't help but be curious bout the med student... all weekend i was wondering if he would contact me... and then after the whole "3-day rule", i decided to just contact him instead just for the heck of it.

i'm glad that i did. 'coz turns out that dorky me actually keyed in my number wrongly. and it wasn't 'coz i was tipsy... not really... i wasn't that tipsy and besides i've always gotten my number right before. it was purely a typo error on my part. guess i wasn't used to handling his phone.

so i don't know if he even tried to contact me (which i doubt but oh well...) but i'm glad that i "made the first move" so i'll really know in future if he doesn't ever contact me again. but for the time being, we did have a relatively nice text conversation...

****

recently this guy from the other online dating site started IMing me on/off. while he seems alright i suppose, i'm slightly unnerved that he keeps commenting on my looks and smile. it seems like he's been "stalking" my pics that i've posted on the online social utility site. and when i call him on it, he "blames" it on the fact that i'm pretty and he loves my smile.

is it weird that sometimes i get all shy when someone comments on my looks? i mean it's nice and all that guys don't usually think i'm such a troll or whatever but i've always found it sweetest when i get commented for other things like my personality or intellect.

but hey, i'll take whatever i can get...

so i lied...

i was going to do everything in my power not to suggest to drummer boy bout meeting up on friday. but my resolve started to weaken...

on thursday i joked with him bout him being so busy and then he told me that he was free on friday. then i joked if he was asking or telling and he joked back that he was telling. i honestly wanted to bop him over the head outta frustration. and that's no joke!

you would think that that would strengthen my resolve right? but noo... 'coz i'm masochistic like that, i actually IMed him later asking if he wanted to meet up.

maybe it was in part 'coz i really wanted to give it another shot. i guess i just don't know when to quit. in another part it was 'coz a guy who i winked at on the online dating site some time ago and who sent me an email over a month ago and who i've been chatting via IM very briefly on/off with finally tentatively asked me out for coffee on saturday.

i know i said that i didn't really want to "date" other guys. but i did tell myself before that if this particular guy did ask me out, i'd go 'coz i was attracted to him (as much attraction as you can get without a face to face meeting). afterall technically i've known him before this whole thing with drummer boy. i guess i'm just not really into actively going out to try and "date" other guys.

which is part of the reason why i lied to my party girl and bailed out of our friday night plans. i knew right from the start that i wasn't up for it. first of all i wasn't too keen on the other girls hanging out with us. and secondly i just didn't feel like drinking.

lately i just haven't been feeling like drinking. partly 'coz my finances have been pretty tight. and partly 'coz i don't want to get into another one of those too tipsy makeout sessions. i just don't feel like meeting some random guy in a bar/club and the whole making out thing or exchanging of phone numbers when half the time he doesn't call or even if he does, it doesn't really get much further than 2 dates. somehow all that has lost it's appeal. call me an old fart or maybe i'm maturing or whatever but i'm really increasingly starting to feel like i want to "settle down". i want to learn how to be in an actual relationship. i blame this pseudo relationship with drummer boy... it made me realise how nice something non random could possibly be.

but of 'coz it's also a whole lotta heartache when you realise that things seem to be going south...

****

anyhow in the end drummer boy came down with the sniffles and he called off the meeting up. he assured me that he wasn't lying and asked me not to be mad.

i wasn't mad. i was disappointed. partly 'coz i missed him and i was looking forward to seeing him. and partly 'coz i had been thinking of actually talking it out with him (even though i have no idea how but i need him to actually respond!) and this just means that i still have to carry around with me the burden of being confused bout the whole situation (though maybe even if i did meet him, i might still be confused). and partly 'coz i'm not sure if he will actually even try and reschedule. it took a lot outta me to ask him for friday night... and it's sad if he doesn't at least try and ask me out again like he used to...

****

i really wanted to just head home and mope or something. but at the advice of my best friend, i decided to head out with my party girl, the yummy mommy and some other friends of friends for a spot of friday night partying.

that turned out to be pretty crazy. at one point my party girl's friend's (i've met her once before) guy friend asked if i was lesbian. seriously i have no idea where people get this from. is it 'coz i check out girls? heck i check out guys too! or maybe is it 'coz i'm more comfy having a girl invade my personal space rather than a guy? or perhaps is it 'coz all the girls that night (and my girls are all total hotties) somehow wound up in dresses while i was the only one rocking in jeans? anyhow he's quite the player though and decided that he should kiss (just a peck!) me in order to find out. well he also kissed the yummy mommy so whatever.

by the end of the night, the yummy mommy and i were dancing with 2 young random boys. at first it started out with me dancing with the taller guy, since i'm taller and all. and then i have no idea how it happened but shortly after we switched partners.

the other guy might be shorter (he's still taller than me though) but i immediately found him very attractive. he turned out to be a 24 year old medical student who also liked to do triathlons. and i'm such a sucker for athletic guys. this boy could also really dance. i mean you don't normally see guys dancing all that well but this one definitely had the moves. and as i ran my hands down his arms, chest, abs and back, i could tell (or feel? haha!) that he had just the kind of lean muscled body that i like. cute, smart and a nice body? dang!

we exchanged numbers but i'm not sure what's gonna happen, if anything at all. i'm definitely curious bout this one...

****

the guy who asked me out for coffee on saturday couldn't make it in the end 'coz of some work and social commitments. he asked me for lunch instead but there was no way i was up to dragging myself outta bed that early after the night of partying i had. it was amazing in itself that i saw his text at 9.30am on a saturday morning. in the end we settled for a weekday dinner though the day isn't fixed yet.

****

i must admit though that i'm sad that i didn't hear from drummer boy at all the whole of last night as well as this morning. i caved in and texted him after lunch to find out if he was feeling better and all that and he finally replied that he was feeling worst. i called him and the poor boy sounds sick... or maybe 'coz he was kinda sleeping... now i just feel bad. well he did refuse my initial volunteering to nurse him back to health...

i can't help it. despite everything that has happened or not happened or whatever, i really do still care a lot bout him and he still means a lot to me.