ring ring, reality's calling

i like to think that i'm a relatively good girl. relatively. but i have to admit that in the past i have certainly not always exercised the best of my discretion. i have taken part in some pretty common behavior and made some pretty common "mistakes", all in the course of casually dating.

dating the alpha boy has been good for me. especially since he's as proper as he is. he made me realise that not everyone was just like the people i was familiar with in the party scene, that there were indeed other people out there who weren't players engaging in random behavior.

since then i've also had time to personally reflect upon my own past behavior, acknowledge the mistakes i made and to be responsible for my dating failures. maybe this is making me more sensitive to what i may deem as other people's dating mistakes.

the "booty caller" is one such train wreck. he and i got to know each other online almost 2 years ago. time has since flown by and though we chat online occasionally, we've never met up in person. initially i would have, until i started feeling like all he wanted to do when we met up was to make out with me. and while i may have engaged in random making out before, i feel it's kinda strange and somewhat pressurising to have a relative stranger tell me that online. i probably didn't immediately block and delete him maybe 'coz somehow he amused me with his conversation bout girls.

recently he IMed me and shared that he just got laid. brilliant. power to you mate. now, he's shared before that he's slept with around 40 women which he doesn't consider to be a lot. me being the prude, thinks that that's a heck of a lot. but i don't judge 'coz frankly i don't care. and i care even less bout him. that's all well and good and all except that he finds the need to then whine that the women he's been with were just using him for his body and how he feels used.

hello? reality check? it's not like he was an unwilling party in all of this. sure, the girls may have proposed the one night stands and subsequent friends with benefits situations but in which part of this did he not get a say?

when i called him out on this, saying that he isn't exactly taking sex seriously anyway and therefore probably exactly isn't in the position to "complain", he protested that he does and that he is just "spreading the love" (and by the way, eww, if i may say...). yeah that still doesn't hold any water. he claims that he wants to find a girlfriend and all that but seemed surprised when i pointed out that maybe his actions doesn't really make him seem like a good boyfriend material. afterall as much as you're choosing someone, someone is choosing you too.

dating can be hard but i'm pretty sure last i checked, nothing says "date me" like promisciousity...not.

5 days into the detox and...

so i'm back from my short beach holiday with 5 other girl friends and it was a great time. it was amazingly chilled even though we managed to finish the following amounts of alcohol:

• 1 carton of beer
• 1 bottle of red wine
• 1 bottle of white wine
• 1 bottle of champagne
• 2 bottles of macallan
• 2 bottles of vodka

no one got drunk or puked or met anyone or madeout randomly with anyone. then again maybe 'coz we finished all that alcohol by ourselves in the villa laughing and playing card drinking games.

when i got back online again, one of the guys from the online dating site who i have been chatting with for a few months promptly IMed me. after the usual pleasantries, he asked...

guy: how's your schedule to meet up this week?
jo: bout meeting up, i'm kinda taking some time off for a while from meeting up...
guy: okay sure :)
jo: perhaps end april if you still wanna
guy: sure
jo: cool! thanks for understanding :)
guy: if you are not fussy about how a guy looks :)
jo: haha!

we were always talking bout meeting up and one day even actually came really close to it except that at the last minute he cancelled. i pretty much gave up after that and frankly didn't really bother too much bout it either. but all the same i'm glad that i was given a chance to practice my i'm-not-dating-right-now speech. all in all i think it went pretty well.

and then i got to say it proper...

"booty caller": still want our makeout session? :p
jo: so bout that...
jo: i'm making some changes to my life and i think at this point, that isn't something that will be beneficial to me
"booty caller": huh?
jo: yeah
"booty caller": ????
"booty caller": :(
jo: i'm also taking some time off from meeting up
jo: but if you still want to meet and for us to get to know each other better as people and not just a makeout thing then i'm fine after april
"booty caller": after april?
jo: yep taking a month off from meeting up
jo: going to concentrate on myself
"booty caller": so make out after a month?
"booty caller": i'm confused
jo: nah i meant that after a month, i will consider meeting up with guys again
jo: but the making out will still be for when something more is established
"booty caller": what happened
jo: nothing happened
jo: i think it was something that should have come bout a long time ago but i just got a lil lost along the way
jo: but now it's time to clean up my act and find myself again

the conversation carried on. where basically he said that it was just a kiss and that we promised each other and that he would take care of me and that he was waiting so long for me and how he felt conned and asked if i could just go with it for one last time. what a stellar guy. but i held my ground. and i told him bout how him just wanting a makeout session and seemingly thinking that i'm just good for that and not wanting to get to know me as a person made me feel used. i don't think he understood at all or didn't even try to.

i think there's a very high chance that i won't hear from him again. especially since he suddenly went offline after telling me that he didn't think of me that way and that if he just wanted a makeout then he would have met me a long time ago. yeah except that he's forgetting that i've always been the one holding him off on the meeting up. anyhow no loss since we never really established anything more than just flirty IMing on his part bout making out. we never met each other. we never even exchanged phone numbers. it's like in each other's world, the other doesn't even exist. he may hate me for thinking that i led him on. he may in time learn to respect the fact that i respected myself. it doesn't matter. all that matters is that i think i just took a big step in the right direction. and i'm immensely proud of myself for that.

but it doesn't help me to stop thinking of the swedish guy. i thought bout him even while i was away. it's frustrating really. and it's really depressing to know that he probably doesn't really care too much bout me anyhow.

and then there's the case of the alpha game player confusing me. he calls or texts me almost everyday. it's like we're just friends. and yet i'm not so sure. especially with his occasionally flirty texting or IMing bout how he was so lonesome when i was away. and yet we've technically never had a date. just 3 dutch meeting ups. maybe it's just all a game. and even if it weren't, i'm not sure how to take it.

i also learnt that my best friend's divorced 60 year old mother just found a boyfriend (her first since the divorce a few years ago. and he is 10 years younger to boot). she's great and deserves to be happy and while i'm happy for her, i can't help but think that there must definitely be something wrong with me if it takes me longer than she does to find someone.

i really wished i could escape from all these feelings inside me...

it's either sink or swim

in the past year i've felt that there were a number of times where my mojo kinda just packed up and took a vacation. in fact on friday night, my party girl and i discussed this and were both shocked at how little new men we met last year. we concluded that there was hence a direct corelation to the amount of alcohol we injested and the men we were able to meet.

so when i lose my mojo, i seriously think that my "game" tanks. nevermind the fact that i usually have no "game" to speak of to begin with. and frankly, i had almost gotten used to not having any mojo (not that i'm happy bout it but i had just bout began to embrace it) so friday night really surprised me. it was like my mojo came rushing back. it was swim all the way like michael phelps on his way to his olympic gold medals.

i met up with my party girl for dinner and then headed to a bar where we knew that in all probability a few of the old regulars who used to hang out at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar would be there. they were. and we just hung out there chilling and chatting.

it was there that i met this 21 year old local guy of mixed ethnicity. yes, i realise that i know how to pick 'em young ones haha! honestly i don't think there was any other interest on both our parts other than friendship. we just got along really well and was chatting the whole night. heck, we chatted more than i have ever done so with any of the other guys i've known for years. before my party girl and i left, we exchanged numbers where we were supposed to catch each other again later in another bar. however that didn't happen and he called later and said that perhaps we'd hang out the next day. well he definitely seemed cool enough so why not? (except that in the week the whole weekend passed and he didn't contact me again. oh well.)

so my party girl and i head on to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. that place is no longer the place that i knew and loved. the owner changed (though i know the new owner as well... he's the older guy whose girlfriend is a bisexual who i've kissed before), the name changed and the whole vibe of the place changed.

we sat ourselves at the only 2 places available by the bar which happened to be right in front of te dj console. cozy hole-in-the-wall bar's new owner's son has been spinning there for a while. and so technically he should have seen me around before. but for some strange reason, this was the first time when he hit on me.

he kept looking at me and smiling and touched my hand and held my face in his hand while he said that i was very beautiful. he asked for my business card and i don't like the whole giving out business card thing 'coz the last thing i want is a relative stranger to know is my full name and work place. so when i said that i didn't have one with me, he then asked how to find me via the online social utility site. (which btw he didn't)

now, this guy is a cutie. granted, he's gotten less cute as time passed, but a cutie nonetheless. but he's also an immense player. oh the stories i've heard bout him. so while i'm definitely not gonna be suckered into his game, a part of me is happy that at least a player thinks i'm beautiful (please ignore the fact that that just makes me sound like such a loser). the dude has a girlfriend who is both hot enough to be a beauty pagaent queen and yet brainy enough to be a vet. obviously his girlfriend wasn't there that night. he asked me and my party girl to a house party after and while initially we said yes, later we decided to head on to another club to meet up with another friend.

and so we made our way to the other club. we met up with our friend who then decided that she was leaving. and we ran into another guy who we knew years ago and haven't seen in years. and then this guy approached me asking me to dance.

i love to dance and he's a great dancer and so we danced a lil. but i was also a lil worried that my party girl was alone so i kinda made sure that we were always around her. i really wanted to let loose and dance but it was slightly annoying that the club was so crowded that there wasn't any room for that. the guy was pretty fun though i wasn't particularly attracted. he talked bout wanting to kiss me and i'm glad that i didn't go with that. in the end he kinda got lost in the crowd somewhere.

so i guess even though seemingly i swimmed, technically i really sank... and the one person i really wanted to swim with... well i tanked.

i have no idea what's going on with the swedish guy. in the end we did meet on sunday... but 'coz (sad to say) i texted him on saturday asking if we were still on. he hadn't heard back from his friend (that's my excuse for him) but once he did, he texted me later that night to say that we were on with our plans.

we had lunch near his place and then headed back to his place to watch an old movie. and then we headed back out again to town 'coz he needed to buy some books for his bookclub reading. honestly i'm not sure what to make outta it. granted he was pretty tired out but yet i'm not sure if it's maybe just that he's not as interested as he might have been before.

i can't help wondering if it's me. am i not interesting enough? sometimes i do feel like i don't have heaps of different interests to make me seem like a really interesting individual. am i not pretty enough? am i not whatever enough?? but then i try and convince myself that i am enough... though frankly it doesn't always work.

it's tough. tougher 'coz i had this sudden realisation that crap! the swedish guy has creeped into my heart. yes, he has joined the ranks of dj guy and drummer boy to make it to my heart.

and i hate it. 'coz it makes me vulnerable. it's especially bad when i'm having this feeling that he's not interested the way i am. i'm basically screwed... and not in a good way.

i'm fighting the incredible urge to just have a random makeout... maybe with the "booty caller" since he's the one that i think i can count on to be still interested in that. and yet i fight it 'coz a part of me is still holding out for the swedish guy. for whatever reason, i don't know.

well i'm the fool. hence i'm the one that's drowning...

is it even worth it?

*warning: this post is a few weeks late so it's all old news

so 2.5 weeks after i emailed doc and not hearing from him, i kinda just bout almost forgot bout him. to a point that my memory was only jolted when my ex classmate asked me bout him on saturday. and even then i had to think for a bit before i knew who she was referring to ('coz initially i thought she meant the med student but i'm sure i never told her bout him).

it's not like i meet heaps of new guys all the time or that i'm getting guys knocking down my door to ask me out... it's just that sometimes i tend to "forget" when i've made a "move". call it my defence mechanism if you will. i kinda just try and block it out so that when he responds, it's a surprise bonus.

which was exactly what it was when i received doc's email just before christmas (and yes i know i took a while to blog bout it).


hi jo,

i apologise for the late reply, coz was on a tight schedule.
hope to meet up soon and stay in contact.
wishing you a merry christmas and a happy new year

sincere regards
*insert doc's name*


not exactly brimming with warmth and friendliness, but not exactly cold and curt either. and "hope to meet up soon and stay in contact"? what's that supposed to mean?? great, this just gives me more to overanalyze.

i replied. of 'coz. i mean i can't not reply. to be honest i'm not sure if anything will even come outta it. i mean maybe he has a wife and 5 kids or a girlfriend at least...

****

the "booty caller" never fails to amaze me. i mean like seriously. i wonder if he's for real. just before christmas he asked me again if i wanted to meet up... once again bringing up bout how we owed each other a kiss and attempting to sweet talk me by saying that my kiss would be the best christmas present. he also talked bout "watching" a movie and something bout having 2 hours to kiss.

geez. and all the while how could he not have noticed that my IM name stated that i was down with a cough and cold?? and when i mentioned the obvious (being my reason for not meeting up), he was kinda like okay without an ounce of concern (fake or otherwise). it's almost like he doesn't even really wanna talk and get to know me. he just wants someone to fill in the gaps of loneliness (horniness?).

i've never met someone who seems hell-bent on kissing me but sure has no idea how to woo me. it's almost amusing, really. if it weren't slightly pathetic that i sometimes actually let the thought of meeting him cross my mind. if nothing, it will help in my occasional boredom. but i'm wondering if i'm that bored enough to be interested.

what can i do?

i was having a brief IM chat with my family friend when he invited me over to his place on sunday for one of his usual group gatherings. incidentally it was in one of those group gatherings where i first got to know my family friend's setup. since i'm more of a backup then the lead, i haven't hung out with this group in at least over a year.

i guess any anticipation on meeting my family friend's setup again was quickly squashed upon hearing this...

family friend: but *insert my family friend's setup's name* and *insert a girl's name* will be there fyi
family friend: i don't think its an issue, but just to let you know

i saw that IM too late and by that time my family friend had already logged off. and i thought it would seem too eager if i texted him asking who was that girl? 'coz i don't know who she is. and i'm dying to know who she is. 'coz the way my family friend put it, it seemed like she was my family friend's setup's girlfriend or something.

i'm not sure how to feel. but i would also be lying if i said that i didn't feel a thing.

my family friend's setup was the first guy in a long while who made me think that there was real potential. in fact he's probably the second guy to ever really make it to my heart. and in some ways he's left his mark there. so yes, i feel strange at the possibility of him having a girlfriend.

but of 'coz i gotta get real right? i mean it's obvious that he was never really into me. we were probably always just friends... and not even really good ones at that. but i guess it still sucks.

recently ecrivain's post where she said "had this sense of being left behind, you know? like, everyone else is pairing off and there i am, left off of noah's ark, waiting for the flood to wipe me out completely." has left me thinking and realising that that is exactly how i feel.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this way and everyone would probably tell me that i'm awesome and it just takes some time but i'll be able find someone... but honestly geez why does it have to take that long?? and frankly sometimes i'm almost convinced that there must be something wrong with me.

it seems like i just don't seem to be able to find any guy who really does like me. most just fizzle away quickly. and the ones i do like never seem to like me back or at least not even close to being in the same measure of my liking 'em. and it's not like guys are knocking down the doors to ask me out. i just seem to lead a really solitary life.

and sometimes it's just really frustrating.

i wanna try again but i fear that maybe a part of me still isn't ready to try again yet. at least judging from the way my recent foray back into online dating is going. i'm bored with the choices out there in the virtual world and frankly i don't even get many hits anyway.

but i also miss the feeling of possibility... the way my heart feels when it... feels... even if i'm scared that it will just all come crashing down. i also miss making out... but yet while it can be fun sometimes, i'm a lil tired of the random tipsy makeout.

should i fake it till i make it? or should i just give up at least for now ('coz fully giving up makes me think that i would really wind up walking the earth alone and that scares me) till i feel i'm more ready or whatever?

i don't even know what to do anymore.

****

the "booty caller" has struck again. he asked me over IM if i wanted to meet up tonight. the plan was to head to the beach (seriously i have no idea what's his fixation with the beach) and the implied plan was to make out.

the thing is that both of us had our own dinner plans. so the plan obviously didn't include dinner. and since he doesn't drink, i don't suppose it includes drinks either. so i can't help but feel a lil "used" when it seems like he doesn't intend to buy me dinner or drinks or even attempt to get to know me and yet i'm supposed to make out with him. i mean maybe that might actually fly if i were already tipsy or he's an absolute hottie, but i'm not and he's not.

however i am missing making out and after 3 months of no action whatsoever, i'm starting to think that i'm waay outta practice... and yet tempting as it may be to break this drought, i'm not sure if the "booty caller" is the right person for the job.

and neither is the guy who was looking for "chats of a naughty nature". he just told me over IM that he was offering his services to me should i feel any urges.

er... thanks?

****

it's been bout 4 months since we met randomly and the med student and i have still been continuing to IM ever so often. we've never met again (though yesterday we were both in the same relatively large bookstore at the same time) but strangely i can't help but still feel a certain connection with him.

maybe it's 'coz we have a fair amount of similarities... and there's definitely still a certain attraction (at least on my part). if he wasn't attached, i would be even more tempted to give it a try with him... not that he's really asking of 'coz...

but i have to say that as i think of guys that i'm attracted to, i'm reminded of what i do want in a guy. and while for the most part i do think that my standards are achievable, i sometimes wonder if there is anyone out there for me...

falling out of this and ready to fall back in...

you know how sometimes “falling for” someone kinda just creeps up on you? yeah well sometimes i think that getting over someone can also kinda just creep up on you too.

i’m not sure when it started or why. maybe ‘coz i started getting busier at work. maybe ‘coz i started liking cutie aussie colleague. maybe ‘coz i started repeating to myself one of my fave avenue q songs. but somehow one day i kinda just realised that hey, maybe along the way i sorta got over drummer boy without actually realising it.

the memories don’t come as easily as before. and even when i try to remember, they don’t hurt as much anymore. i don’t think of him or miss him as much and even when we do IM, there isn’t a whole torrent of warm feelings rushing back.

but there are still some latent feelings. i reckon that for some guys, in some ways, they will always have a special place deep inside my heart. while i’m starting to forget him, i don’t deny that a part of me will probably still accept him again.

it’s kinda like the lyrics of anytime by eve6…

your face fades away
flicker flicker dimmer fade to black

anytime you think you’d change your mind
anytime you want
jump back to me anytime

but i just think that i’ve come to decide that i don’t think that drummer boy will find anyone else better than me. i’m sure he will find someone else and he might even be very happy with her. but i just don’t think he will find anyone else better than me.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not perfect nor do i ever profess to be. but frankly i do think that i’m a pretty darn good catch. and in the larger scheme of things, i don’t think that drummer boy is intelligent enough, eloquent enough or motivated enough for me. hence the reason why i think that i’m probably the best girl he can ever find.

and maybe he knew that... and knew that ultimately he couldn’t match up… though that doesn’t stop me from still having feelings for him though…

but i think that i’ve reached the point where i’m ready to start falling back into it again. “it” being the whole trying to date thing. i’ve wallowed, i’ve focused on myself and girl friends, i’ve kept myself busy at work… but i think it’s now time to get back on the horse again.

and to mark that, i decided to log back into the online dating site…

i scanned through the profiles (btw i have to add that the ad-man is still on that site!) and in a non too discerning (and yet still somewhat discerning) manner, i winked at a number of guys who i thought seemed relatively interesting.

soon enough i had a couple of requests from guys i didn’t wink at to add me on IM. one guy i talked to seemed nice enough though i’m not feeling his picture. another guy i talked to seemed like we might be able to hit it off. another was just strange.

he never offered his name and i didn’t ask either. i learnt that he was looking for “chats of a naughty nature” and i informed him that i wasn’t that type. but he never tried to veer our pretty crappy conversation in that direction so i didn’t think too much bout it. in our second conversation i learnt that he was attached and was looking for the last fling before he tied the knot next year. and i still don’t know his name.

stellar guys i tell you.

between him and the “booty caller” who every now and then asks if i wanna meet up for that “passionate kiss” but otherwise doesn’t seem particularly concerned bout anything else in my life (and apparently still dating the other girl or at least enough to still be fighting with each other), i’m not sure how this whole online dating thing is working out for me.

a waste of time

the "booty caller" officially annoys me.

we sorta kinda maybe made plans to meet today only that he apparently couldn’t seem to make up his mind. sometimes he makes references to us meeting and then other times there’s this…

jo: hey are we still supposed to meet tomorrow?
"booty caller": u can?

of ‘coz i can that’s why i suggested that day in the first place and that's why i'm trying to confim now!

"booty caller": how abt today?
jo: i can’t today ‘coz i have a work dinner

and btw i’ve already told him before that i couldn’t make it on tuesday!

"booty caller": sigh
"booty caller": okok
"booty caller": well i NEED to gym tomorrow
jo: you NEED to gym so you’re gyming?

i mean seriously? can he just tell me yes or no? ‘coz this girl has her own plans as well and in fact my best friend’s sister asked me out to watch the new bond movie but i turned her down ‘coz i thought i was meeting up with the "booty caller".

jo: please let me know if we’re meeting tomorrow or not ‘coz i need to plan my schedule
"booty caller": oh
"booty caller": mm
"booty caller": okok

geez is that an answer??

jo: er… is that an okay we’re meeting or an okay i’ll let you know again? haha!
"booty caller": wahhaha
"booty caller": mm
"booty caller": ets meet another time
"booty caller": i badly nee to gym
"booty caller": unless u can meet me lates

i can’t believe that i actually thought bout that for a minute. but i couldn’t help but have that avenue q (btw love the musical!) song playing in my mind…

there’s a fine fine line
between love and a waste of time

this isn’t love at all (though a certain drummer boy does fit the bill of the lyrics perfectly) but it’s starting to feel to me like a waste of time.

jo: okay let’s meet another time then

frankly i'm not sure if i even care anymore.

the funny thing is that it's actually his birthday. and the fact that he would rather go to the gym than to spend it with me says a lot.

but i'm trying... and i'm still dying to know

it's strange how open i am being with the "booty caller" with regards to my "dating" history. all this and we haven't even met each other face to face yet. but maybe it's precisely just that... the safety of being behind the IMs that makes it less scary to talk bout stuff.

anyhow i suspected he was almost wanting to engage me in a lil IM sex. i mean it certainly seemed like it was leading to that what with him declaring that he was feeling naughty and asking me what i was wearing. yes it's nearly 2am and i'm in my sleepwear...

but the strangest thing of all was that while all of that was going on, i was actually being reminded of drummer boy. (and no, attempted IM sex does not remind me of drummer boy, i'm just reminded of him quite a lot in general.)

initially i thought that if i cried, i would feel better and get over it. then again i cried once for drummer boy and that didn't help me get over him. this time i was listening to unwritten law's rest of my life.

cause i know
i'm so slow
but i'm trying
and i'm still dying to know
say you won't leave for the rest of my life

it's a band that drummer boy introduced to me. and somehow just accidentally coming across that track hit me. it hit me hard enough for the tears to start falling...

red flags

if the red flags didn't already go up for the "booty caller", they are certainly going up now...

in a recent conversation, he said that he had broken up with the other girl. i'm not sure if they were ever officially together in the first place but that doesn't matter. afterall i know all too well the grey area of a pseudo relationship and it doesn't make the hurt any less real or painful.

so naturally i asked what happened and he said it was a long story and didn't go into details (which is fine really 'coz i mean whatever right?) but he did say that she asked him bout money. specifically why he still didn't have any money despite working for that long.

now i know that money is one of those big issues in relationships. i don't know what his finances are but i must admit that having the other girl ask bout it makes me wonder. i mean i'm not exactly making a mint but i like to think that generally i've got quite a good saving system going on. and i would like my guy to be financially stable as well.

but beyond all that, i was kinda amused that he asked me if i was free tonight 'coz he really wanted some "beach company and a good kiss".

i mean seriously? dude you just broke up like 2 seconds ago?

and better yet, when i gave him my reason for heading home as 'coz i had been sick enough to take a sick day off the day before and i wanted to rest, he didn't even think to ask me how i was feeling until much later. which just shows his general lack of concern. couple that with his apparent only concern being his pleasure, i'm seeing red flags galore.

and all this even before any face to face meeting...

quality of men

sometime it’s really hard not to be jaded especially with all the men i seem to “get”.

i’ve had the married with kid, married, attached, sorta maybe attached, single and psycho and single and i-don’t-know-what’s-his-problem types who have been into me at some point.

so the latest in the list of strange men is this guy from the online dating site. and though i normally only christen the guys with a moniker after i’ve met up with ‘em, i've already nicknamed him in my mind as the “booty caller”.

not that there’s actually been any real booty calling being done. it’s more likely to be making out IMing. right from the start he’s always focused on my looks and my previous dating history. and he’s made it clear that he thinks i’m sexy and i “turn him on” and that he would love to kiss me.

but the thing is that he’s sorta seeing another girl. to be more precise he’s sleeping with her. though they fight all the time. maybe that’s why it’s not a good idea to get into such complicated pseudo relationships. but last i heard, he was thinking of maybe giving her a chance and getting together with her officially.

then again in our last conversation yesterday, the girl was away for work, he was feeling frustrated and wanting to have some company and thought of heading to the beach with me. yeah, i don’t think he’s frustrated at work and that we’re gonna be heading to the beach just to talk the whole night.

i already had plans and told him so. he tried to get me to change my plans but i wasn’t really into switching my schedule. if he wants to meet me then it will have to be on my time. afterall he doesn’t seem to be wanting to switch schedules around to meet me. and one time i even gave him a specific day that i would be free but he never got back to me.

honestly it doesn’t really matter anyway. i mean he’s seeing someone. and it’s kinda obvious what he’s looking for. i may be suffering from some make out withdrawal symptoms but i’m gonna try and hold out till the guy actually means something to me… or that i’m drunk haha!

turn me on

it seems like recently i've been turning a few guys on in my IM conversations. not that i'm doing it on purpose much less some cyber sex chat thing. but apparently just chatting with me makes my not-so-platonic ex-friend "horny for" me and talking bout our past "dating" history gets this guy from the other online dating site "turned on".

which of 'coz then led to both of 'em essentially asking me out for a makeout session.

the decisions weren't exactly too hard to make...

i told myself before that i'm not gonna go there again with my not-so-platonic ex-friend. he's too wrong and it's wrong and i don't want to participate and perpetuate the cycle of wrong. besides he's a friend and i think it's best we leave it at that.

as for the guy from the other online dating site... well i admit that i was mildly tempted. i was feeling almost a bit reckless and possibly looking to shake things up. but at the same time i had to remind myself that i've never actually met him before. and a promise of a makeout session even before i even met the guy wasn't really an expectation i could handle. plus he was starting to kinda see this other girl...

and apparently even though the med student didn't ask me out for a makeout session, i still managed to "turn him on" in our IM conversation...

the med student: wait a min, i gtg bathe... i dun wanna my BO to diffuse all the way to ur computer
jo: hahaha! alritey :P
the med student: ur invited to join me if u wanna
the med student: its lonely to bathe alone... :P
jo: haha! well you're a lil far away...
jo: plus you don't remember me... and you shouldn't bathe with strangers right?
the med student: well... if we do share a hot shower, im sure ill remember u for life
jo: and if you have a cold shower alone, you'll definitely remember me for longer than that haha!
the med student: woah... ur so damn witty... wat a turn on

maybe i should stop engaging anyone in real life and keep it virtual since i seem to be scoring so well there...