Saturday, January 03, 2009

oh happy day

happy new year and all that jazz.

it seems like the past few days (or maybe weeks?) have been spent partying. on new year's eve i met up with my party girl, the yummy mommy and bunch of other girls (some i knew and some i got to know). it was a pretty fun time. as long as i don't have to spend it alone (and family doesn't count though fam time is awesome and all), it's all good.

last night i went out partying with essentially the same bunch of girls again. and again, it was a pretty fun time.

don't get me wrong, i guess i do have my fun when i'm boozing (in somewhat moderation) and dancing (in no real moderation). but it would have been a lot more fun if i had my mojo.

yes, my mojo has left me once again. left me quite badly i must say. all my girls were getting hit on left and right and i was the only one who no one hit on. it felt like being left on the shelf. i should know shouldn't i?

dammit why do i have to have such hot girl friends? it's not that i think i'm unattractive. it's more like recently i've been feeling unattractive. maybe it's a vicious cycle. mojo leaves me, i feel unattractive, hence i lack confidence (or whatever), guys avoid me like the plague, it validates my feelings of unattractiveness... lather, rinse, repeat. not that i should be validated by guys, but you know what i mean...

i'm trying to get outta this sick cycle carousel. i promise that normally i'm a lil more well adjusted than this. really.

but i just can't help feeling the way i do at the moment. when everything seems to be in the dumps. when i'm fighting against a welling sense of panic and desperation. when i can't even seem to get the attention of anyone these days. when the past seems to haunt me more than i dare to admit. seriously it's not even funny.

so yes, i'm sad. there i said it. i'm just plain sad. and i can't quite admit it to anyone else except here. no, to everyone else, i put on my happy face. game face on right?



At 11:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hate that you are sad jo. i know it is a vicious cycle that we all go through. trust me i still feel unattractive & unloved even in a relationship.

your situation with your friends made me think of the analogy of the apple tree. all the best apples are at the top of the tree and only the best men are willing to climb it.

one day that wonderful man will climb up that tree for you :)

At 3:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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