oh happy day

happy new year and all that jazz.

it seems like the past few days (or maybe weeks?) have been spent partying. on new year's eve i met up with my party girl, the yummy mommy and bunch of other girls (some i knew and some i got to know). it was a pretty fun time. as long as i don't have to spend it alone (and family doesn't count though fam time is awesome and all), it's all good.

last night i went out partying with essentially the same bunch of girls again. and again, it was a pretty fun time.

don't get me wrong, i guess i do have my fun when i'm boozing (in somewhat moderation) and dancing (in no real moderation). but it would have been a lot more fun if i had my mojo.

yes, my mojo has left me once again. left me quite badly i must say. all my girls were getting hit on left and right and i was the only one who no one hit on. it felt like being left on the shelf. i should know shouldn't i?

dammit why do i have to have such hot girl friends? it's not that i think i'm unattractive. it's more like recently i've been feeling unattractive. maybe it's a vicious cycle. mojo leaves me, i feel unattractive, hence i lack confidence (or whatever), guys avoid me like the plague, it validates my feelings of unattractiveness... lather, rinse, repeat. not that i should be validated by guys, but you know what i mean...

i'm trying to get outta this sick cycle carousel. i promise that normally i'm a lil more well adjusted than this. really.

but i just can't help feeling the way i do at the moment. when everything seems to be in the dumps. when i'm fighting against a welling sense of panic and desperation. when i can't even seem to get the attention of anyone these days. when the past seems to haunt me more than i dare to admit. seriously it's not even funny.

so yes, i'm sad. there i said it. i'm just plain sad. and i can't quite admit it to anyone else except here. no, to everyone else, i put on my happy face. game face on right?