reeled back in again

for the second night in an almost row, i received an impromptu IM from drummer boy.

this time an all too friendly query on my work. which then turned into a relatively long-ish IM conversation regarding work and just a bit of what we were up to. same old i suppose. the conversation was nothing to shout home bout, but it was one of the "best" in a long while with him.

my reaction was the expected "oh crap" feeling. oh crap 'coz i can't believe that he's now attempting to be a bit friendly. oh crap 'coz i don't know what's going on. oh crap 'coz a part of me wishes he wouldn't make me suffer. but most of all oh crap 'coz a greater part of me can't help but be glad to hear from him again.

so yes, i admit that a part of me still misses him and a part of me still likes him. it's the part of me that doesn't make any sense at all. it must also be the part of me that is a sucker for pain.

but yet at this point i'm not strong enough to truly let it go. to delete his name from my IM list, to delete his photo from my phone, to delete him from my life.

somehow in some way i must be holding on. holding on to what i don't know. afterall, it can't be hope can it?