Sunday, March 15, 2009

is it my turn yet??

i think that if i'm completely honest with myself, i'd admit that i'm barely holding it together. i'm a complete mess, falling apart and my self esteem is taking a nose dive.

maybe in part it's what the alpha game player said to me. yes, even though he's hardly mentioned, we are still in contact and do have lil quick impromptu meetings. i'm pretty sure he's not interested and i'm pretty sure i'm not interested either. but somehow he says these things that can have the latent ability to affect me. i can't even always remember what he says exactly. i mean he could pass remarks like how i'm hot like fire but we gotta go shopping. or like how i only attract a very select few men but with my "method" (which btw there is no "method"), i would lose guys.

see, i already know that with my type of quirkiness, it's not easy to find guys who will like that. all the years of singledom is testiment to that. but this just makes me feel even worse. and i wonder if maybe i should play the game or market myself better or make my interest more known. but the thing is that i just don't know how to do it. i've pretty much always just been me. and it makes me think that being me isn't good enough.

and if this isn't enough to make me feel like such a failure, there's other things in my life to remind me of that. it's tough. i mean seriously. i feel like i'm suffering in despair. and it's taking all the effort in the world to keep carrying on.

and of 'coz i'm still juggling between my latent feelings for drummer boy as well as my current feelings for the swedish guy. both of whom aren't giving me the time of day. and honestly i just don't get it. i mean i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. why don't i deserve a happy ending for once??

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At 6:36 AM, Anonymous Ecrivain said...

You know, it's interesting that you say you wonder if you need to "market" yourself better -- I actually considered that when I was writing my online profile...but you know what? In trying to answer as honestly as possible, I realized that I wanted someone who would see me for who I am and accept me either way.

I know what it's like to feel like it's taking all the effort in the world to keep carrying on -- but somehow, you do because there's no other choice really. It's either sink or swim -- and I think you're a swimmer.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger jo said...

ecrivain: you hit the nail on the head. i too just want someone who would see me for who i am and accept me either way. and truth be told, i really don't think that i'm all that hard to love and accept. i mean i see these other girls who are so bitchy and make things difficult for their guys and yet they are the ones with the guys fawning all over 'em.

usually i'm a swimmer... but sometiems i feel like doing the dead man's float.

At 6:11 AM, Blogger audrey22 said...

jo i understand how you feel, lol hence the name of my blog "is it my turn yet". i too wonder if i can market myself better sometimes. maybe be more outgoing, or fun, or carefree i dont know. the point is i can market myself better but what would i gain in return? someone who falls for a false image of myself. i dont want that. i know it might not mean much but ur not alone with feeling the way u do.

At 9:26 AM, Blogger jo said...

audrey22: i was totally channelling your blog name when i named this post haha! and it does mean a lot that you and others feel the way i do. which is probably why i feel as comfy as i do writing bout it here. 'coz a lot of the time i don't think that anyone would understand...


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