the draft series: feb 2007

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original date: 22 feb 2007
title: growing up
tag: insights into jo

i've known my best friend all my life. in fact our moms have been friends since they 'emselves were young. we were kinda just thrown together as itty bitty kids and somehow managed to keep the friendship going thus far.

so for the last over month my best friend has been back home 'coz she was depressed over a guy she liked. we've met up a couple of times but since mostly it was in a big group, we only got a chance to talk proper once. since she's leaving this weekend, last night was the only chance we got to catch up proper once more.

it was definitely a good time. i'm not a girl who likes to talk. ironic in a way since i seem to 'talk' a lot here. but perhaps this is where i get my release and hence i'm usually all 'talked' out. but there are times when things start festering and i need to let it out to an actual real-life person.

my best friend and i definitely had our issues especially during the time she was back home. but typical of us, we would rationalise for the other person and not say anything till it reached boiling point. it was bout boiling point for the both of us. so it felt great to finally just let it out. doesn't mean we love each other less. but we just needed to sort out the petty issues we had with each other.

she also told me the full story bout what happened between her and the guy she liked. as suspected it wasn't platonic at all. he has a girlfriend and i'm not judging her for whatever happened but it did set me thinking.

how things have changed... and how we've grown up. things that we used to say wasn't 'acceptable' has become all grey areas and we've become more 'accepting' of those very things. you grow up saying that you wanna avoid certain things but then sometimes life throws you in for a loop and you find yourself in a situation that you never thought possible. but then you adapt. 'coz that's what happens. but how much can you adapt without losing yourself entirely?

i think i have 'guidelines' for myself so i don't veer off course. but of 'coz i'm not perfect. and i don't beat myself up too much if i fall off the 'line'. perhaps i'm idealisitc. and i try to learn from the mistakes that people around me make so that i myself don't make those mistakes.

i guess i'm just in a philosophical and pensive mood...

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in many ways this is an interesting post for me to rehash at this very choice time. first of all, though unrelated to the topic, the best friend and i have drifted for quite a while now and recently went through further issues. though we haven't had a massive falling out and are civil, it's bout suffice to say that she's pretty much now the former best friend. it's sad and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't hurt but i guess that's life. that's growing up... and growing apart.

the other interesting thing is that it took me bout 3 months after writing that post to veer off course so to speak. overall 2007 was a year where i quickly learnt that there are times when you really do find yourself in a situation you never thought possible and find yourself doing things that you never thought you would. i'm glad to say that by 2009 i had mellowed a lot and became back to the me i was more used to.

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original date: 27 feb 2007
title: i have a problem
tag: insights into jo

recently i was texting my best friend and telling her bout the making out adventures between the youngest one and myself.

best friend: goodness girl how can you not have emotional attachment?
jo: he asked me the same thing too. how not to have emotional attachment. haha! well it's not easy. i am emotionally attached a lil.

much as i always like to talk bout emotional detatchment and how you (really meaning myself) can't really afford to get too emotionally attached, i admit that i'm probably one of the first ones not to heed my own advice and wind up getting emotionally attached.

and i think i've realised what the exact cause is.

lately i've been talking to guys a fair bit. and i don't mean just meeting a new guy in the club and idly chatting. i mean really talking. a 45 min conversation with key account executive. few weekends of communicating with the youngest one, including middle-of-the-night conversations. long IMs with shy colleague. and then there were some text messages exchanged with the friend of my party girl's guy friend that i met some weeks back at the club. while he seemed perhaps a lil sleazy then (possibly due to high alcohol levels in his bloodstream), when he initiated a text conversation with me the next day after we met, he seemed nice, sensitive even. it was perhaps sorta odd that he started telling me, a virtual stranger, bout his upcoming holiday plans and his family. but at the same time it made me consider for a moment going out with him (not that he asked or even contacted since) where initially i wouldn't even have bothered too much.

the thing is, the more i talk to someone, the more i find out the lil quirks, the more i wind up getting emotionally attached. and the more i want to talk to the person. but the problem is that just 'coz i had 1 or 2 (or even 3 or 4) good conversations and a seeming connection, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. i think for some reason, i place too much value on good conversations... and of 'coz a needed level of attraction. sadly i can't say that my previous conversational connections have turned out all that well. for the most part it just fizzles away... taking the great conversation with it... but since i already got emotionally attached, that just leaves me a lil disappointed.

i don't want to be disappointed time and time again. that takes up too much energy and a certain essence of me. that's probably why i just keep telling myself not to get too emotionally attached...

but the truth is...

oops... too late.

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i still love good conversations. there's just something bout it. but i've also learnt that sometimes it's hard to continuously have good conversations with the same person. somehow it just comes to a natural lull at some point. and sometimes, i'm just simply talked out.

i'm not sure bout emotional attachment though. it's been a while since i've had to think bout it or to stop myself from it happening.